Weighed In

I decided to bite the bullet and weigh in last Thursday on my weigh in day. I'm telling you people - the scales just don't make sense. I am going to quit trying to figure it out and just hop on every week and see what it says. (Uh huh, sure I am. HA!)

My weight was 141lbs. Higher than I would have liked - of course. But lower than I expected. I was within my range as an added bonus. Honestly, it was a shock to me. I swear I am not as lean as I was as my clothes fit differently. I don't think this is my imagination either.

Remember a pound of fat WEIGHS the same as a pound of muscle, but that pound of fat takes up more room than that pound of muscle. It's a volume thing. I see people say "muscle weighs more than fat" - not true. A pound of anything weighs the same as a pound of something else, it's just that one "pile" may be bigger than the other. So while my weight is within my range I do think I am *fatter*.

So, what am I going to do about it? Hit the gym. I went 4 times last week and am working toward getting my mileage up and my speed down to where it was before. I look forward to January. I like it when there is a huge influx of people at the gym - many people don't - but I find it somehow motivating....I keep forgetting that this coming week is Christmas. I don't know what it is, but it just doesn't 'seem' like it.

Ah-Ha Moments - Good Read!

So, I have a Kindle (which I love) and I'm an avid reader. So, I troll around a lot just looking and sampling books. I stumbled across a book called: "Secrets of a Former Fat Girl" by Lisa Delaney. I read the free sample and something about the book just grabbed me. So, I bought it and read the book. I had alluded to having some ah-ha moments in my last post and the source of those was reading this book. (I highly recommend it.)

Even though it's intended for those that are on or starting their journey, there's a lot of good stuff here that really made me think. Here's a couple examples (quoted text is from the book):

On weight loss: "The real issue was not "How do I lose weight?" it was "how do I begin to think about myself as someone who can lose weight?" She goes on to talk about she is convinced that it's how you think about yourself and how you carry yourself that leads to being a "former fat girl". Well, my ah-ha here was, "HMMMMMM, I don't think I think of myself as a former fat girl." I think that deep down even now I think that the weight will come back - it's only a matter of time. This is not good and something that I am working on changing. I agree that this "fear" is a defeatist attitude and will eventually lead to failure. Not because I can't do it and keep the weight off, but that I *think* I can't. Interesting stuff for me...

On her birth order: "Sandwiched in the middle was me---the peacekeeper, the please, the good girl, the one who didn't want to make any waves. I craved my parents' approval, but I was uncomfortable being singled out for any reason, good or bad." - WHOA! This struck home with me. I am middle child and good grief this is me. To this day I get uncomfortable being singled out and I am also all of those things that she described.

And this one I had never heard anyone say, but wow is this me. It's about her brothers and how they treated her. "...comments that might have rolled off other kids penetrated my spirit like needles in a cushion." My brothers TERRORIZED me with taunts and teases of "fat", "pig", etc. And guess what? I wasn't. I have always struggled with my weight, but managed to keep it relatively in check until I was hit with major depression (that's somewhere in my blog if interested). But it was nice to hear someone validate this as I seriously just thought it was me and I was 'too sensitive'.

Loved this in regard to her exercise. There are a lot of spots in the book that made me chuckle. I seem to recall that her goal was 3 miles or something. So she's describing a workout and recalls her thoughts at the time: "After all, we've made it through two whole miles. That's like fourteen in the Fat Girl time/space continuum, right?" ---OMG, that is funny isn't it??? Haven't you thought that exact same thing?????

And my new mantra: "It's not an option." Referred to in acronym form: INO. For me that's things like: Exercise = INO; Making good choices most of the time = INO, etc. Meaning exercise is not an option. It is the norm. Meaning it will happen because it is not an option, but a requirement. I plan to work on more detail of my "real" INO list.

Ponder this: "When I think about it now, I wasn't as much putting others before me as I was putting myself last. That might seem like a game of semantics, but it's not. My lack of self-confidence and self-respect made me feel like I didn't deserve to be first." Ah ha?

Another mantra: "How I spend my time is my choice." She goes on to talk about you need to realize that for the most part your "lack of time" for the most point is the result of your own choices and related to the previous blurb about "choosing" to put other people's need above your own. Hmmmmm

There are just so many others! "When in doubt, laugh." "Choose you. Choose you. Choose you."

Consider getting this book. For me, if I get one or two things out of a book it was worth the read. There were wayyyyyy more than that in this book.

Thanks Lisa!

What?!

How can it already be the middle of December? OK, first I didn't hit any of my goals for November. That's right. Not one of them. I'm not proud of it, but I'm also not disappointed. I'm just OK. And, you know what? That's OK!

So, what's been up? We decided that we are going to stop the bi-state thing (yipppeee!) and going to make it Texas. So, since that we have:

• Found a house, put in an offer, and close on it later this month.
• Prepared one house for selling AND put it on the market. (Fingers crossed it sells in a decent amount of time!)and

When I see it like that, it doesn't look like much. But it was a ton of work in a short period of time. I stayed in Texas the entire time working and taking care of the prep work on the house while hubby had to be in the other state and traveling. So my priorities shifted. Between work and cleaning, etc. there just wasn't time to get to the gym. I was tired and stressed. I'm not going to lie, I could have gone and I might have even felt more stress, but I just was not in a place to force myself.

I acknowledged these feelings and said to myself to go to the gym if I want to and if I don't so be it, but that once every item was done on getting the house on the market, no excuses - back to the gym. Today was that day back and I figured I should also get back on track with the blogging while I was at it!

I didn't weigh in the entire time. I just didn't need the added stress. (This would have led to stress about not going to the gym, potentially gaining weight, feeling guilty, beating myself up, etc. etc.) Between sickness and all of this crap, I had not been to the gym in some time. And yep, I feel it. But I was back at it this morning and will be back there again tomorrow. I'll possibly weigh in Thursday, but I might also give myself a 'grace' week as long as I am continuing to eat what I am supposed to. (Note to self: you just need to be in your range. You do not have to be suddenly at the low end or below. Within the range is GOOD and it is your plan.)

I'm reading a good book too. I've had some 'a-ha' moments. I'll have to blog about that another time. Off to catch up on everyone else!

Jumping on the "band" wagon - bandster quiz

1. How long have you been banded? 4 years and 5 days. (OK, I don't really count the days, but it was just 4 years for me and I thought it was kinda funny.
2. What was your highest pre-band weight? / Current weight now? / Total lost to date? 234 lbs / 138.5 lbs / 135.5 lbs
3. What is your best "go-to" food to get in your protein? Any meat that is not overcooked. It does the best job of keeping me full for the longest period of time. Hmmm, ya think that's why they want us to eat it? ;)
4. What is your favorite protein brand/shake? I use low carb Slim Fast - chocolate - in the can. I only use liquid when I have to. For example, had a bad pb experience, tight following hormone patterns, etc.
5. What food do you miss the most now being post-band? None. I can eat anything I want in a small amount. The key is to make 'good' choices most of the time and when the choice isn't the best (and can bypass the band which the yummy stuff usually can) I am sure to watch portions.
6. What is your favorite "mushy" food? Soup, but I've always been a soup freak. When I have it, I make sure that it is either one of those healthy canned ones (Obsessed with Progresso Sante fe Chicken) or I make it myself.
7. What was your worst PB experience? The most recent one is here (a year ago!), but I bet there are others somewhere in my blog.
8. What has been the hardest part of this journey so far for you? Honestly - I think it's all hard. You have to want it and no matter what anyone tells you, you earned your success. The band is not magic. (Maintenance is also hard!)
9. What is your best NSV to date? Hmmmm, there are so many. I'll go with the cliche answer of looking good in my wedding dress.
10. What is your top non-weight goal for your band? Man, this quiz is kinda hard. I can't think of an answer to this---maybe it's just from being at goal for a while.
11. What is your goal weight or size? My goal weight that I set with my surgeon was 149lbs. I stayed there for a while and decided that I wanted to go to 139lbs. I am considering at the beginning of the year when all the weight loss insanity starts to consider seeing if I can get to 134lbs (100 lbs lost and see how that goes). I currently maintain between 138-142 lbs.
12. What band "rule" do you live by (i.e. don't cheat on)? There isn't one because I'd be lying if I said there was. Sometimes I eat more than I should and sometimes I have soda - (alcoholic drink mixer, but I stir it well with a straw to get a good amount of the fizz out)
13. What band "rule" do you not follow as much or aren't so good at? See above.
14. What is your goal "reward"? You know - I didn't set one for myself. Or at least if I did, I forgot and don't recall getting anything. Maybe I should get one NOW! : )
15. What are you most thankful for? All the other band bloggers out there and the comments that are left now and then on my blog. I enjoy reading everyone's journey!

FOUR YEARS!

Wow, I just realized that I missed my four year banding date! It's hard to imagine that it's been that long. Feeling better, but chest crap takes a lot out of you and makes exercise tough - direct path to fits of coughing.

So, I'm not going to hit my workout goal for the month. My attitude is good though - it's oh well, out of my control. Oh, oops - not my posting goal either. : (

I'm within my goal range though (139 lbs), so some good news. Man, I have over 600 entries to read! I'm off to catch up on everyone else.

Sick!

Really bad bad chest cold and sinus infection. All bets are off at this point. Dang it! But I feel like crap and am giving into it. : (

Bad Case...

Of the "I don't wannas". I have now been sitting here reading for two hours dressed in my gym clothes. The problem is that I haven't been to the gym. And, unfortunately just putting on the clothes doesn't count as exercise. Man, what a great thing if it did though!

As of right now, I can't say one way or the other for sure if I will go to the gym today. It may or may not happen, but what I have decided is that I am not going to stress about it. I am using today to 'veg'....heck, I really don't even have anything to post, but at least I can check the box on the daily posting activity for November.

What I need to put in perspective is that I set a goal for 20 workouts for November. It's still reasonable that I will attain it, but it's also reasonable that if I end up close that is (and should be) good enough.

Exercise so far for November:

1 - Off
2 - 65 mins - 4.6 miles
3 - 65 mins - 4.6 miles

4 - 65 mins - 4.8 miles
5 - Off
6 - 65 mins - 5.3 miles
7 - 65 mins - 5.3 miles
8 - ?

In looking at this, I think I should consider a week to start on a Sunday. Therefore, for 'last' week, I totaled 5 hours and 25 minutes of exercise for a distance of 24.6 miles. Back to vegging in my workout clothes!

Do you ever wonder...

if banded people that used to blog, but don't anymore achieved their goals or maintained their loss? I can tell you that I sure do. Many say they are 'too busy with life' or that their life 'no longer revolves around the band'. I'm not sure if I buy into either of those.

Am I busy? Sure, but I was busy before. And, I don't consider that my life ever 'revolved around the band'. I'm not saying that I wasn't focused on my goal, etc., but just like everyone my life is and always has been busy and full.

Maybe I am just being b@tchy this morning and this is a b@tchy post, but I do wonder. I wonder if some *disappear* because they have re-gained. (I hope not as I want everyone to achieve their goal and maintain!) Going back through my blog you can see that I gained something like 12-15lbs at one point. It was a major funk, but I got out of it and learned from it, got focused, setup my weekly weigh in, and my range that I had to stay in.

I'm not saying in any way shape or form that somehow I am 'better' than the people that no longer blog (and good grief, I hope this doesn't read that way), but I can tell you that I get reassurance and motivation from the blogs I read (regardless of whether or not they have a band). The consistent theme that underlies all the blogs when you sit back and think about it is that regardless of how you get healthy getting there and staying there takes a helluva lot of hard work.

I also find that my blog helps me to keep *me* and my *health and wellness* a priority and I like to think that those that have started or are in the midst of their journey are somehow helped by my stumbles and successes along the way. So, while there may be breaks in my blog, I will continue to share my struggles, frustrations, and successes.

To anyone out there that was blogging and isn't anymore: HEY, give us an update! Even if it's once every couple of months, we'd love to hear from you! We hope you have been successful and wish you well, but if you weren't - remember we are also here to help and support you!

Off to the gym!

What is it...

About Broccoli Slaw?!?! Yep, it's my recent addiction. All I do is take the slaw and mix it with Maple Grove Farms of Vermont Fat Free Balsamic dressing. The dressing is super awesome (yes, I am a valley girl tonight)! It has 40 calories for the ENTIRE bottle. Yep, 40 calories. And it tastes great!

Anyway, broccoli slaw in a bowl, add some dressing, and instant healthy salad. The other reason I like it vs. regular salad is that I can't eat much at a time. It keeps well for days. (If you are banded and can't eat broccoli slaw, couple things to consider: Are you chewing enough? If you are, then you can nuke it to essentially steam and soften it, then cool, add dressing, etc.)

Exercise:

• 65 mins - 5.3 miles - 16 more days to go

Accepting Reality

Well, I did NOT get to the gym yesterday. A friend of mine called and she was really down and stressed. She asked me what I was doing and I said nothing - which at the moment was true - and she asked if I wanted to go grab some dinner. Yes, I could have said I need to go to the gym or that I needed to go to the gym first, but she was coming from work. She's a good friend, so I decided to say come over.

Since last night I have thought a lot about this. Working out at varied times wasn't so much of a challenge when I was younger. So what has changed? I have a varied group of friends - sizes and fitness - so, it's not that they 'just don't workout and are unfit'. But what is different in my opinion is that as you get older there is just more 'stuff' going on: more work obligations, spouses, kids, friends with limited time/availability, etc. And, in the end, 'sacrificing' yourself is just the easiest one to go with.

All that being said, I don't feel like I sacrificed to be there for my friend in this case. I did the 'right' thing. But it is just one of many examples of what comes up that gets in the way of me going to the gym. So, I have to accept the reality: if I don't make going to the gym in the morning a priority, it just isn't likely to happen that day. Accept it and move on.

I think there are many other 'realities' that I should take the time to jot down, but right now - I'm heading out the door to the gym! : )

What realities have you had to face on your journey?

Weekly Weigh In

I was pooped last night and thought I'd be able to get up to go to the gym first thing this morning. The alarm went off and I could have forced myself, but I decided that it would likely just carry over to Friday morning. So, after a long discussion in my head about am I *really* tired or am I on 'gym avoidance', the conclusion was truly tired and I slept in.

I WILL be going to the gym later this afternoon though or during Survivor to ensure I get to my 20 workouts for the month.

After candypalooza I decided it was not in my best interest mentally to get on the scale until my 'standard' Thursday weigh in and to just focus on eating right and exercising. The last weigh in I show is from October 21 - I was at the low-end of my range at 138lbs. Today - I'm at 140lbs which is right smack in the middle of my goal range (138lbs - 142lbs). So up two lbs from that last weigh in I show on my blog, but still within my range.

I'm relieved that I am within my range, but still feeling like I am detoxing from all the sugar. My pace has definitely suffered and I need to work on that. When? That'd be later today when I go to the gym! ; )

I love my Keurig!

Early this week, I got a new coffee maker. It's a Keurig Special Edition Gourmet Single Serve Coffee Maker. (How's that for a mouthful?)

Here's their description of it:

The Special Edition Brewing System is our mid-luxury home brewing system that offers a blend of styling and convenient features. The Special Edition features chrome accents, a blue, back lit LCD display and three brew size options.

Programmable features include a Digital Clock, Adjustable Temperature and Auto On/Off. The 48 oz. removable water reservoir holds up to eight cups before refilling and for the removable drip tray allows for easy cleaning and the use of travel mugs.

Here's mine - You put in this thing called a 'k-cup'. It really looks like an oversized creamer container. It has coffee in it, but they also have tea, hot chocolate, chai latte, mocha, etc. Put down the handle, press a button, and voila! There's my coffee.

I used to have an addiction to venti lattes from Starbucks. Then I got married and just had a problem rationalizing spending 4 bucks a day on coffee---the 'my' money vs. 'our' money; please note though he had no problem with it - he's a good husband. I had thought about getting something that would make a latte, but I decided that coffee made more sense and that I could have a Starbucks on special occasions.

This thing will have paid for itself in a month. From that point onward, I will continue to save 100 dollars a month by replacing my Starbucks.

A k-cup works out to $.60 each, but that is not getting them on sale (which you can a lot of the time) or from Sam's. If I get them at Sam's, they go down to $.40 each.

Exercise:

65 mins - 4.8 miles - 17 more days to go.

I am finding that my goal of posting every day is helping me get to the gym. This morning I almost did the 'I'll do it later today' thing to sleep in, which for me never happens, but I had committed to my daily posting and it really did help get me out of bed!

Biggest Loser - OK, for the record, I was not a big Tracey fan. She just bugged me with her wide-eyed 'what do you mean' looks and stuff, but WOW did she look good! I think there are going to be some shocking reveals at the end of this season.

I will not be a statistic!

Well, at least a bad one! I can't remember who's blog it was that posted this (sorry), but he or she (sorry again!) was having the psych evaluation in anticipation of having surgery and one of the things that was brought up was that after 2 years of hitting goal weight that *most* people gain back 20% of the weight that they lost. (Dang, I sure wish I could remember the blog, so I could get it right and ask about it!)

Anyhoo, seeing that has helped me to recommit (the funniest things seem to trigger me) and motivate me to keep on track and within my goal range of 138 - 142 lbs. I have not been on the scale since 'candypalooza' as Thursday is my official weigh in day. I figured I might as well just stick to that and *maybe* I'll luck out and be within range when I weigh in on Thursday. : ) And - note to self - If I am not, I only have MYSELF to blame from candypalooza.

(Yikes, my goal weight was 149lbs. If I gained back 20% of what I lost to get there (85lbs), that would be 17lbs to bring me to: 166lbs! Uh, no way jose.)

So, my immediate goals for November (thanks to all the people that have been posting monthly goals - that also has triggered me!) are as follows:

• Post a blog entry once a day.
• Workout at least 20 days this month (5 days a week).
• Workout a minimum of 60 mins each time.
• On Thanksgiving (November 26), target weight is 138 lbs - low-end of target range.
• Setup a cool virtual route like Julie.

Exercise so far:

• November 1 - uh, none (Not a good start! But Sunday is usually a rest day for me.)
• November 2 - 65 mins (4.6 miles - in anticipation of setting up virtual route.) - 19 workouts to go.
• November 3 - 65 mins (4.6 miles) - 18 workouts to go

Candypalooza!!!

That's right. I started on Friday and kept on eating a TON of frickin' candy through last night. I am still trying to figure out why it turned into such a binge of crap, but once I had all that stupid sugar it just kept on keeping on. I said to myself, "OK, eat it. You can keep on eating in through Sunday night, but you are going to have to live (and accept) with the repercussions."

Whoa, am I feeling it today! I'm also sure it's going to continue for a couple days at least while I detox from all of this. Sugar - as in candy and crap like that - has a double whammy for me as I am hypoglycemic.

So, as far as the why. I'm stressed and missing my hubby. If I am honest, it got to a point where I was medicating how I was really feeling. Oh well, I'm human.

Good news - I did get up and go to the gym today. It would have been really easy to continue 'the funk' and not gone. It's amazing how badly 3-days of crap eating makes me feel! Oh well, the first step in getting back on track completed. Detox has begun!

Halloween..."Before" / "After"

Well, the one in the all black is me in my fat suit Halloween costume. OK, not really, but I seriously couldn't resist. (I have a weird sense of humor.) This is me at 234 lbs.

The other one is me in my Halloween costume from last year (2008). Yep, still camera shy people. I want to keep my anonymity. I am 145 lbs. in this picture. What a difference 89lbs. makes.

I need to take a pic of my 'before' jeans and my 'after' jeans. Now that I think about it, I haven't even put them on since I *had* to wear them. That's kinda weird in a way too.

I'm in a reflection mode at the moment. I can't believe that I am nearly 4 years out. I currently stay within a goal range of 138 - 142 lbs. (Less than even this picture AND the outfit is much looser in the waist and hips.)

So, I'm going to answer my yearly questions. Any questions? Please let me know. Nothing is off limits.

Official weigh in stats:
Height: 5'8"
Starting weight: 234 lbs
Current weight: 138 lbs
Overall loss: 96 lbs
Lbs to goal: 0

Current goal: Maintain between 138 lbs - 142 lbs

BMI: 21.0 - (Normal weight = 18.5-24.9)
Clothing size: 6. Sometimes even a bit loose and end up in a 4.

Shirt: S

How many fills have you had?

• 1st fill – 1.2cc
• 2nd fill – 1.8cc
• 3rd unfill - was just too tight - went to 1.4cc
• 4th unfill - dilated pouch - complete unfill
• 5th fill - .6cc
• I think I went up some from here to about .8cc; then unfill to about .4 cc; then another to .2 cc - that's where I remain. There is .2 cc in my band. It's pretty much empty.
  

Are you going to stay at your current fill level?
Yes.

What are you going to do next?
Work on my "mojo". I need to set some new goals and figure out how to maintain my motivation.

What size clothes are you wearing?
6 pants/dress (sometimes a 4).

Shirt - Small

What do you eat in a typical day?
I always start with weight control quaker instant oatmeal with 1/2 oz of dried blueberries or cherries for breakfast. (Good source of fiber. Keeps me full without being too substantial to feel uncomfortable.) For lunch, pretty much whatever. If I'm tight - which you can tell over time - I'll have something soft. For dinner, I'm loosest then and eat pretty much anything. I pretty much stay away from pasta and bread entirely. When I do eat some, it might be a bit of pasta or crackers---pasta always has a lot of sauce. Dry meat has to have sauce. Chicken breast is tricky some days. Dry meat of any kind is a problem, but as long as what I eat is chewed well and within the amount I am supposed to have - I don't have any issues. (Update: Same answer as last year, but I have added more fruit to my diet.)

Was it worth it?
Yes, it was. I stress though that I would only recommend it as a last resort. I felt I was there. I could get the weight off, but just couldn't keep it out without exercising and watching what I ate ALL the time. Now, I live a life of moderation on everything and the weight stays off. Other than the gain of 15lbs that was totally MY FAULT and choice (via bad choices and not working out) I have remained the same weight or lost a bit. It was worth every penny and I was self-pay. (Update: Keeping this one the same as well. I need to go back and read that post about the 15 lbs.)

Have you had any problems?
Yes. You'll see in the beginning of my blog that shortly after my surgery I swore my stitches in my port popped. Everybody told me no way and not to worry about it. When I went in for my fill, it had. So it is on it's side. I still have not had it fixed, but you can now see a lump from it when my shirt is off and FEEL it. Feeling it is the grossest. I am considering getting it fixed. I have also had some problems with pouch dilation. People being too tight is BAD. The other thing is that your portion size is also very important. It can also lead to stretching of your pouch. Signs? Eating more than you used to and getting heartburn (aka - reflux). (Update: I haven't gotten my port fixed. I might, but I'd rather have some new boobs - lol!)

Have you pb'd?
Yep. When I was too tight, a lot. Now, I pretty much know how and what to eat depending on the tightness of my band. When/if I have problems, it is around my period. I have learned sometimes it is best not to fight it and let it happen. This seems to work for me and then does not lead to repeated pb's or irritation. Be sure to follow your surgeon's instructions for when this occurs. I find that I get very tight (swollen and irritated) and need to follow the instructions. I'll stay on fluids for a number of hours and then depending on how bad it is (believe me you get to where you know) I'll put myself on self-imposed soft foods for a day or two. Usually within a day I am totally back to normal. (Update: I'm not sure, but I'd guess that I've have 2 episodes in the past year.)

What rules do you follow?
Eat slowly. Take small bites. Don't eat first thing in the morning. When I feel full - stop. Don't drink with meals. No soda. That pretty much sums it up. There aren't a lot of them. These are pretty much the standard bandster rules. The latest addition is the first bite rule. I am sure to chew well and make sure it is small. There is some suspicion that not doing this may have contributed to the dilation. Again, no one knows for sure. (See the side.) (Update: Since my band is essentially empty, I focus on good choices and eating the *right* amount. If I eat hard foods like I am supposed to, guess what - full. If not, I have a little snack.)

Do you have loose skin?
Surprisingly, I'd have to say no. I wear a bikini and look pretty damn good for my age. Over time since I hit goal and continued to workout, I'd say that I even look better. Now, that being said, I'd like to have a boob lift. I don't think that has anything to do with the band though. Just age and gravity. Believe it or not, my boobs are THE SAME size they were before banding. (Update: my boobs are smaller. Seriously. I'm essentially the same weight, but I'm smaller - less fat I figure. So, my boobs don't fill the bra cups like they were. Me wanting new boobs is getting higher on the list.)

Do you 'diet'?
I guess most people would say yes. I'd say no. The bottom line whether you have a lapband or not is you have to make good food choices. I roughly follow Weight Watchers that my friend gave me all the scoop on. The daily points with the flex keeps everything in check. I have journaled my food and exercise since I was banded - except for the time that I put on the 15lbs. This is very successful for me. Conscious eating is critical. (No Update)

So what is all this about this 15lbs you gained?
Well, for about 5 or 6 months, I didn't work out, log my food, or make good choices. The good news is that I only gained 15 lbs. In the past, this would have been much worse. I also avoided the scale, so it was my clothes screaming at me that they were tight that woke me up. There were a whole lot of factors that contributed to my not caring - work stress, break up, just not caring - in fact, I think I was in a bit of a depression. Well, I kicked myself in the ass and got things under control. That is what you see referenced in the past 12 weeks or so. In those 12 weeks, with dedication and effort - and following all the rules - I lost 15.5 lbs. (Update - huh, guess this is what happened. It's funny how you forget things and how a blog can help you remember.)

Lack of Payoff?

Thanks for the comment Julie:

"I was just talking to a friend last night about maintaining weight loss. She said the same thing - that it's harder to maintain than to lose. However, she couldn't explain why. What you said about lack of payoff makes a lot of sense. Is there a way to still get that payoff while maintaining?"

I have friends that 'do' Weight Watchers and it seems to be a feeling that many people have at goal. You know how you are losing weight and you are looking at the scale and going, "OMG, I have worked so hard there better be a loss" and then there is? Payoff. The compliments you receive on your journey? Payoff. The milestones you receive? Payoff. The clothes that now fit? Payoff. The smaller sizes? Payoff. The NSVs? Payoff. Etc. etc.

Well, almost 4 years out and over 2 years since I hit (and surpassed) my goal, it's different. You are just 'you'. People are now used to you. You are at goal weight. Your goal is to maintain your current weight and remain in your current clothes. Compliments are few and far between. Heaven forbid you put on weight, cause look out! Then, "Did you notice? So and so is gaining weight."

All of this really is kinda stupid (I recognize that), but it's also the reality. I give myself a pat on the back for staying within my range (138-142) for all this time, but sometimes I just get plain old worn out. And, I am sure people are thinking, "Well, get over yourself, I'd pay money to get where you are." Well, first of all I did pay money to get where I am! OK, I couldn't resist that 'banded humor' as I am self-pay. : )

As we all know - or are learning - the band is not magic. It's work. The band is a tool and nothing more. You can eat around it and do all sorts of things that are going to lead to weight gain (what I refer to as self-sabotage - cause hello? you put a frickin' band around your belly - there has to be some self sabotage there!). I *should* be proud that I have avoided that and I am....well, kinda - ha!

But banded or not, staying at a healthy weight and fit at almost 41 years old is work. Will I continue? Sure I will. But I will have my ups and downs and general bitchiness about what it takes to stay in my range.

Thanks for your post as well "Dinnerland", but it's not so much about having a goal as I have one - to stay within my range - it's just hard to explain. I do think it's feedback and something outside of 'me' that made losing 'easier' vs. maintaining.

How exciting is it to come back to my blog each week to find out that I stayed within my range? To me, not much. I'd much rather read about the people that are losing and making progress (and I do - way to go all of you!!!). I know that sounds stupid as there is this 'you need to do it for you' mantra. I agree 100%. I did this for me. I got to my goal for me. I stay in my range for me. But bottom line - it's hard.

I'll have to think more about it. Like I said, I do think it's a funk, but it's also a valid 'feeling' that I just can't adequately describe and is there, but not really talked about. Counseling anyone? (ha) I think I just need a swift kick in the butt, a 'get over yourself', and keep on keepin' on. But this is what my blog is for, right? To *talk* about the 'stuff' that is really going on inside of me. So that's what I'm doing.

Thanks again to Julie and Dinnerland. I appreciate your feedback and duly noted. I need to figure out how to get the 'payoff'. Overall, I do think I am OK, but thought I'd share a bit about this inner struggle? challenge? whatever you want to term it that is somewhere deep inside of me.

Oh wait, here's the exciting news: I'm within my range as it is weekly weigh-in. And, go figure, low end: 138 lbs. See, not so exciting, huh? : )

Work, work, and wait - more work...

Last week sucked. I wasn't able to workout and I can prove it wasn't 'just an excuse' this time as well. I ended up practically working around the clock Monday - Friday. I slept about 12 hours between Monday night until Friday night (when I got a whopping 6 hours). It couldn't be avoided, but was a stress on me and also my poor hubby.

Not sleeping, stress, not exercising, and not the best eating is likely going to reflect itself on the scale this week. I must focus on it being out of my control and something that doesn't occur very often....*sigh* - I have to tell you that maintaining SUCKS! I've said it before and I'm saying it again. As weird as it sounds, there is this lack of 'payoff' or 'something'. It's hard to explain. If someone out there can relate and explain it better, please do so! (Then again, maybe I am in a big ol' funk from not sleeping, stress, not exercising, and unscheduled weird eating - it's not that I'm eating crap, just that everything is off.)

Testing, testing, 1-2-3?

I have noticed that I have a bad habit. Every now and then I 'test' my band. I think this is a bad practice and something I need to stop doing. It's not good overall as it can lead to PB'ing and/or pouch stretching (dilation) - both bad things overall. Therefore, going forward I will not test my band anymore. I will remember:

• The band is in there and it is doing it's job.
• There are days that I have more tightness (restriction) than others. My personal experience and opinion is that this has to do with 'lovely' woman hormones.
• I need to eat what I am supposed to and also the amount that I am supposed to period. If I do, then I'm done. I will and can (giving myself permission) to eat more later if needed.
• Eating too slow is as bad as eating too fast. I can't remember the 'eating time' that I was given, but I think it was 20 mins max.
• Am I really hungry or am I emotional? Do my test - do I want something good for me or crap? If crap, not hungry period.
• If I HAVE to have crap. Then make it a portion-controlled conscious decision.

What brought this up? I've just been reflecting on my journey and what I can do to further my long-term success since I am almost FOUR years out. Wow! I can't believe it has been that long. Some people may say, "Well, maybe you need a fill?" My response to that is no. (See this post.) When I have gained weight, the honest answer is cause I have been eating CRAP and a lot of times compounding that by not exercising. Getting a fill, in my opinion, is not an appropriate response. The behavior needs to be corrected. Am I hungry sometimes? Sure, but sometimes it is head hunger and other times it is 'real' hunger. When it's real, I have a small snack and it passes. Good enough I say. : )

The scale is whacko right now. I am still within my range, but yesterday (official weigh in) it said 141lbs and today it said 138lbs???? Nope, I'm not weighing every day, but I was just curious this morning as I have been diligent for the past couple of weeks on both eating and exercising and expected that I would see a lower weight. (Oh wait, don't we all??? (ha))

The increased diligence has been greatly caused by my hubby going around saying he was 'fat' (which he's not) and his decision to exercise more and eat better. Nothing but a good thing for me! BTW - boys SUCK! He has lost SEVEN pounds. That's right people, 7 frickin' pounds by a few dietary changes and exercise in two weeks. Venting now: and my results? Uh, nothing!!!!! : )

SALT!

Emotions - OMG, I am UP 2.5 LBS from YESTERDAY morning????? WTF?????

Emotions - OK, get off and try again. Scale has to be WRONG!!!

Emotions - OMG!!!!! Still the same - f-ing 142 lbs. That is HIGHER than last week. WTF? WTF? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Brain - OK, CALM down! There is NO way I gained 2.5 lbs in one day when I have been making good eating choices and exercising since the last weigh in a week ago.

Emotions - Well, you remember what Jillian on Biggest Loser says - something to the effect of the scales don't lie. You weigh what you weigh. It's all excuses.

Brain - True. You weigh 142 lbs (which by the way is technically within your range), but at least 'some' if not 'most' of that weight is likely water retention from the salt gorge (soup at lunch very high salt content and dinner was a packaged meal also with very high salt content) which you normally monitor so the body is reacting. To gain 2.5 lbs, you would have had to eaten an EXTRA 8,750 calories!!!!

Emotions - Well, I don't like it!

Brain - Well, too bad! Get over it!

Emotions - Well, I'm not gonna! Cause the scale RULES me! I don't wanna weigh 142 lbs. I'm fat.

Brain - That's just stupid. The scale is only one measurement. How are your clothes? How has your eating been? How has the exercising been?

Emotions - Fine, fine, fine. Don't care, still don't like it.

Brain - Well just keep doing what you are doing. It will be fine.

Emotions - Don't like it. And, ya know what? Now I just wanna not exercise and not make good food choices? Where's the ice cream?????!!!! Candy????!!!! (MmMMM, candy corn)

Brain - You are going to exercise and you are going to make good choices. No ice cream and no candy. HA! This is why there isn't any in the house and HELLO? it's just you EMOTIONS!!!! Quit being a big whiny baby and get over yourself. Just move on and keep on doing what you are doing.

Emotions / Brain - I will eat as planned today. I will drink extra water. Exercise is done for the day, but I will go again tomorrow. The scale while not "lying" will go back down in a couple days.....uh, and try to quit sneak weighing which you keep doing when you are on the high end of your range. Then again, it does keep me focused on staying to the low end.

To Emotions AND Brain - Shut the hell up and focus on something else!!!

: - )

Sometimes...

You just HAVE to tell yourself 'good job', right? Well, I did today. Nothing big really, I was just sore and having the 'I don't wannas', but I got myself on the treadmill and did a workout. I'm not going to lie - I was not into it! So, I told myself: 3 miles. The faster you do it, the sooner you are done. Warm up, 10 minute mile, 9 minute mile, 8:30 minute mile, cool down, and DONE!

I just felt good about having done it more than anything. I also found that putting it in the post earlier today served as an incentive. It's funny how that works. The same thing happens with my food journal. Sometimes it is quite a magical tool that keeps me on track and prevents from eating stuff that I shouldn't (encourages good choices)...Well, at least most of the time!

Gotta watch Survivor! Yep, I'm a junkie. Same with Biggest Loser. : )

Weekly Weigh In and Weeeeeee!

Well the scale showed a 1 pound loss down to 141. Still within my range 138-142 and going the right way. I'd like to get back to the low side and am working toward that.

The 'weeeee' is really a reference to my new Nintendo Wii!!! I had considered getting a WiiFit as well, but had used it at a friend's house in the past and it was a ton of fun, but it didn't seem like much of a workout (for me - and not a comment on anyone that finds that it helps them toward their goals, if so - great!). So, I went with EA Sports Active.

I've added the 30-day challenge within the 'game' to my treadmill workouts. I'm doing the hard level and whatever it throws in front of me. The good news is that it is definitely engaging muscles that are not engaged by my treadmill work. How do I know? Cause I can feel it!!!

Overall I like it so far, but the resistance band that is included is a joke. I am planning to go get one to replace it with to increase the resistance. As long as it has the handles, it should work as a replacement without an issue (I think anyway!). With all the lunges, I am getting a good lower-body workout (that's where I feel it), but the upper-body due to the lack of resistance isn't so good.

It does take some practice to get into the rhythm of the system as the controllers have to be held still, correctly, and in time. I am still trying to get the hang of it and more importantly trying to not focus so much on the controllers that I forget about my overall form. Only 27 days to go! (HA!)

Workouts:

• Monday - 4.6 miles treadmill (60 mins including warm up and cool down)
• Tuesday - 4.8 miles treadmill (60 mins including warm up and cool down) / 30 mins Wii EA Active Sports
• Wednesday - 4.8 miles treadmill (60 mins including warm up and cool down) / 30 mins Wii EA Active Sports
• Thursday - pending - I *might* take a day off - if so, then note to self: MUST workout Fri/Sat

What a difference a week makes!

And I don't really mean that in a good way. Man, vacations are hard. I eat poorly and no 'real' exercise - and you know what - that's OK in my book. The problem though is getting back on track - it's HARD!

The funny thing? I feel yucky by the end of a 'break' - bad food and no exercise = feeling fat and about 110% of the time weight gain as well. Guess what? No difference this time around. I'm feeling fat and I am at the top end of my maintenance range (142 lbs).

And in full disclosure, I really could have worked out on Thursday of last week, but I had a serious case of the 'I don't wannas'. Bottom line - I'm human and normal just like everyone else, but I did force (and I mean force) myself to the treadmill this morning. Repeat to self again: I'm human and normal just like everyone else. : )

I am hoping that the next few days will require less and less 'force' as the days pass. Using the power of positive thinking: "I'm sure it will"....and I just need to focus on my Thursday weigh in. The scary thought, as all of us know, is that my weight *could* be higher and that was a low weigh in from the damage. Man, now that is a scary thought!!!!

Physical Inactivity Poses Greatest Health Risk to Americans

Translation: All we do is sit. And I believe we eat more. Eating more and moving less = weight gain. Here's a snippet from the article:

Research has shown approximately 25 percent to 35 percent of American adults are inactive, Blair said, meaning that they have sedentary jobs, no regular physical activity program and are generally inactive around the house or yard. "This amounts to 40 million to 50 million people exposed to the hazard of inactivity," Blair said in an interview. "Given that these individuals are doubling their risk of developing numerous health conditions compared with those who are even moderately active and fit, we're looking at a major public health problem." Link to entire article here.

I don't make excuses for getting fat. Bottom line - I was eating more (and it was crap - plain and simple crap), severely depressed, and not moving period. I have nobody to hold accountable for that other than myself. Up through my 20's that had not been the case and not any major weight issues. It was a slippery slope and a downward spiral that was further exacerbated by the depression. Excuse? Nope. It's the explanation. I own up to it and took what honestly was drastic steps to get back on track and out of my depression.

The real point of my post though is that I think there is way too much focus on food and weight in the media vs. the lack of MOVEMENT. When you think about it, all the foods that are 'bad' have been around for a number of years. Yes, the portion sizes have also grown, but ultimately everybody has to be accountable for the choices they make when eating. In other words, this crap about taxing 'bad' food pisses me off. Just because you tax it doesn't mean people are going to stop eating it. And, who the hell in the government is going to decide what a 'bad' food is that warrants this tax? Stupid I tell you.

And as far as kids go, I'm old. When I was a kid it wasn't until my early teens (I think) that Atari was even around (that's a game unit like Wii and XBox for any youngsters that may be reading). Therefore we were always playing. And that meant riding bikes, chasing each other, and even some rough housing (ha). But the play was physical. When you think about kids today they are plugged in all the time. TV, gaming, texting, chatting, etc. etc. It's no wonder to me that kids are much heavier.

Bottom line - We need to look at the bigger picture of overall eating habits (choices) and exercise. And yes, I bet some people are saying, "well, easy for you to say you have a band." Well, my band is empty. I have minimal restriction that is only triggered when I eat a big bite of something that is not well chewed (and it's only protein like chicken or beef) or frankly just eat like a pig. And the stuff that got me fat (candy, ice cream, etc.) will go right through regardless of how tight my band is. As I've said in previous posts, variety is important for everyone in what they eat for overall health. But I have also harped on exercise. Some may be able to get to goal without exercise, but I believe that is a small number. I also believe that long term success is ultimately tied to exercise.

Man am I on my soap box? : ) And truth be told, I am NOT a fan of exercise. I just do it cause I need to, it's good for me, and at the end of the day makes me feel good. So my soapbox summary is: generally make good choices - which personally I find is WAY easier on the days I do exercise for some reason - and MOVE people!!!

Exercise today:

• Tuesday - Steep incline - 60 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 4.6 miles

Workout Post

In an effort to stay on track, there might be a whole lotta here's what I did posts. I find like many others that it increases my initiative, etc. I'm going away for a family visit from Friday - Tuesday (Labor Day weekend here in the States), so there will be no 'defined' exercise and likely not the best choices in food available, so I am attempting to take a pre-emptive strike at the damage.

• Friday- Plod (again) - 60 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 4.6 miles
• Saturday - jog - 15 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 2.5 miles / 1 hour walk on beach
• Sunday - 1 hour walk on beach
• Monday - varied - 70 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 5 miles

I want one of those tracker things that Nike makes and goes on your shoe (it fits on some Nike shoes, but that is not my shoe of choice). The problem is the stupid thing works with a Nano, iTouch, or iPhone. I have a Shuffle that I use when I work out and have an iTouch. But I am not a fan of having to strap a gadget to my arm and if you have seen an iTouch/iPhone, they are pretty big. I'm not even totally convinced that I'd like a Nano on my arm and it would cost roughly $140 for that and another $20 for the Nike gadget. OK, I think I have convinced myself it is a definite luxury item. But it tracks miles and stuff and syncs to a website...yes, I know I'm a nerd. : )

Scale - Friend? Foe?

I refuse to let the scale rule my life. Therefore I only weigh in once a week no matter what. That day is Thursday. While I have managed to stick to the once a week weigh in for several months now, I just can't seem to get over the trepidation of the damn thing. It's that feeling of: "OMG, did I gain weight?" and then either the feelings of happiness or disappointment that occurs as a result. I guess it is normal, but somehow it bothers me that a stupid scale and a number influences how I feel after I get on it.

I can't remember which magazine I was thumbing through (wish I could!) when I stumbled across a story that essentially followed this chick around for a period of time. I seem to recall that pictures were taken maybe once a day of her in a swimsuit to document what she looked like. Then each day she would say how she felt: skinny, fat, etc. The funny thing is that she looked EXACTLY the same from picture to picture. I am trying to remind myself of this story because it is important. Bottom line if I stay within the 138-141 lbs range I AM going to look the same as well.

Another weird thing - when I do weigh in on the low side of my range it is like I don't believe it. I have to stand on the scale a few times to 'make sure' it is right. *SIGH* This is just the stuff that is going through my mind at the moment. Bottom line: the scale really isn't just a number. But then again, without it I can easily see how my weight could (OK would) creep up on me. In reflection, when I was gaining and heavy I NEVER stepped on a scale - if I didn't know what I weighed - somehow I could avoid the reality. Can you say DENIAL? : )

So, I have decided that with the good and the bad, the scale is my friend. : ) Weekly weigh in on Thursday will continue and as long as I am within my range I am OK. Workout goal: 4 times a week (That does not include walks or other activities, but real "I am working out" times). Anything above that is bonus.

• Weigh in Thursday - 138.5 lbs
• Workout - Thursday- Plod- 60 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 4.6 miles

Stress!

This week has been very stressful on the work front. After a weekend of not making the best choices food wise and little exercise, I am a bit concerned if I am in my weight window. Oh well, I will find out tomorrow. I thought as a reliever though and reinforcement of getting on track with exercise for the week that I would post progress so far. Maybe this will trick me into working out again tomorrow and Friday. Well at least I can hope!

• Monday - Speed - 60 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 5 miles
• Tuesday - Distance - 75 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 6.5 miles
• Wednesday - Hills - 60 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 4.75 miles

I find that variety in both food and exercise is important. If you do the same exercise day in and day out (as well as food), your body gets used to it.

For exercise I change the goal (speed, distance, hills, etc.) and as appropriate also the duration. After my slacking off last week, I can definitely feel the workouts in my legs this week. I plan on doing a 'plod' tomorrow - which I define as easy pace for an hour on the treadmill that still gets in exercise, but in a way gives my body a bit of a rest as well.

On the food front, this being married "thing" helps out a lot. I think some people might find that strange as I have heard people say they got married and gained weight. For me, I find it helpful. Go figure? Because I like to cook and have someone to cook for, we eat at home except for 1 or 2 meals a week. Everything I cook is healthy and I cook enough for us to eat at dinner and then leftovers are usually used for lunch. So every night tends to be something different.

Planning on checking back in tomorrow. : )

All Better!

Well, much much better from my horrendous stuck pain tummy experience. There is some residual stress about "I wonder if there is something wrong with my bad? Did it move? etc etc.", but I am just trying to get past it. I am not having any pain nor any reflux, so I figure things are good. I am planning on eventually getting around to contacting my provider though to get a band checkup. I like to have it looked at once a year for peace of mind that the band and pouch are OK.

I slacked quite a bit on exercise this past week, but with the multiple days of liquids I managed to stay within my 138-141 pound range at 139.5. But now there are no more excuses other than me being a lazy a$$ and I need to get to it!

Off to read other people's blogs!

Yep, it still happens...

Nearly 4 years later and yep - food still gets stuck. That's right people - I got stuck. Chicken skewers with some sauce. That's all I had. For me, the mistakes are as follows:

1. I usually try to have a mixture of food. It seems to keeps food moving. Eating just one type of 'real' bandster food can lead to getting stuck for me. Everyone is different.
2. Eating at a bar at the actual 'bar'. Too many people and NOT paying attention. Talking and eating. What I refer to as not eating consciously.
3. Hindsight - eating too fast, not paying attention, bites too big, not chewing enough, not eating consciously...what does this mean? STUCK!!!!

I felt fine at first, but a while later you banded readers know all the symptoms and what happens without me going into the details. It was NOT pretty.

Funny thing (ok maybe ironic) - I swear this was the worst stuck experience I have ever had (Yep, worst than this one, but look - similarities!). My stomach hurt so badly afterwards and the next day that I honestly started to panic. I did the "absolutely nothing" for 4 hours and then sipped some water. It went down, but I still felt like crap. Had a few sips of water after that and nothing else period. All I had the next day was liquid and not a lot. My stomach still hurt. I figured OK, still keeping down liquids. Just give it some time.

Day 3 - still liquids, but tummy is feeling better. That night I had some mushy stuff and all still good. It's day 4 and I'm still only doing liquids most of the day with mushies in the evening. Feeling much much better - back to normal essentially and will try regular bandster food tomorrow.

I just wasn't in the mood to pay the $150 bucks to get essentially the instructions that I followed--my provider says that as long as you are keeping down liquids see how it goes. I am not advocating the approach I took above at all nor my provider (you should always follow the guidance of your provider), I'm just explaining why I didn't go to the doctor. (And, I'm writing like there are readers. That kinda makes me chuckle.)

I do expect that I will feel tight when I eat bandster food tomorrow. Let's be real - there HAD to be some major irritation, but if it is in anyway just not 'normal' tight I'll be making an appointment. The past few days have put a wrinkle in not only eating, but also going to the gym. The last thing on my mind was working out (ha). Going to try to get back to the gym as well tomorrow.

WID...

I have been doing what I KNOW is emotional eating - I am pretty sure it is separation anxiety from my new hubby, but am still mulling it over. I think I added insult to injury on those days by not going to the gym. I was 'supposed' to on those days and it just seems to throw me off. Even if I don't get the best work out in, any kind of workout makes a difference and I have to force myself to go on planned days. (No excuses!)

Thank goodness I got myself back on track relatively quickly. How? Stern talk with self: "What the HELL are you doing???? Just go!" and forced myself to go to the gym even though it was the LAST thing I wanted to do. Lucky me it worked and helped get me back on track. I am forcing myself to weigh in on Thursdays and also blog a bit more for the next month in the hopes that it will give me an extra boost of accountability while hubby and I are apart.

And, go figure? I'm at 139 lbs for the week. Funny how sometimes when you don't eat the best or workout as much that as long as you get back inline quickly there doesn't seem to be much damage. In my case, I'm down .5 from last week. More stern talk here though: MUST focus!!! Need to stay within my set range of 138-141.

(Secret thought though - man, it would be a good use of this month to get back around 135. But I don't want to put more pressure on myself, so will just see how it goes.)

WOOT!

Weighed in at 139.5 lbs. I'll take it! I'm within my window and all the freaking out was for nothing! I need to remember at this point that what I am doing works for long term maintenance and to quit freaking out. Reminders to self...

• Always eat correct portion sizes.
• Don't drink while I eat period.
• Make good healthy food choices (variety, variety, variety) and eat protein first most of the time.
• Hungry between meals? Ensure that it is 'real' hunger vs. 'head' hunger. Good choices = real. Bad choices = head. If good, then have a snack.
• Exercise a minimum of 3 times a week for 1 hour (5-6 miles jogging). 4 is better, but 3 is the minimum.
• The scale is only a number and does not dictate how I feel. Remain in window of 138-141, but know that a zillion factors can make the scale fluctuate. (That being said, don't rationalize a gain if/when there is one if behavior has not matched these basic items outlined in this list.)
• Remember other measurements such as clothes and fitness.
• Maintenance is hard. Weird how a goal to maintain just doesn't provide the incentive that losing does.
• Give myself a pat on the back now and then. I have been at my surgeon's goal weight for 2 years now. That goal was 149 lbs. I personally reset that goal lower and have maintained that for some time. My ongoing weight goal is 138-141 lbs.

Weight In Day...tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is the day. I am going to jump on the scale and see where I am after not weighing in for about 6 weeks. The funny (as in stupid) thing is that since I made the decision to weigh in, it has filled me with anxiety! I feel like I have been eating everything in sight. I have been eating more and I think it is a combination of the weigh in and also separation from my husband.

We are going to be separated for five weeks seeing each other only twice (two weekends) during the entire time. Longer apart than we've been married! I guess I should be used to it with how our relationship has been "doing the long distance thing", but this is a long separation even prior to us getting married. I get lonely at night and then ya know what happens!!! The food gremlins overtake my mind!

The good news is that while I have been eating more it hasn't been crap! (Yeah me!) But calories ARE calories. I will focus on the scale showing 141. Anything below that icing on the cake. Anything above - I think I will have a bit of a meltdown, but will just need to step it up and get more control over the eating and work out a bit more to get back within my range (138-141). I'd really like to be at the 138 regardless, so if I'm not I think for the next 4 weeks (this week we were separated as well) focusing on weight loss again for a bit.

Other things I need to remember when I weigh tomorrow (so I can re-read if I freak out!):

• My wedding dress was a size 6 and fit perfectly.


• My clothes all fit and are a size 4-6.


• I can easily jog 6 miles in under an hour. (Translation: I'm pretty dang fit for 40!)


• The scale is only one measurement (re-read the bullets above)

Enough rambling! Until tomorrow...

Note to Dalia: Congratulations on your banding! I am sure you will do great. Please let me know if you have any questions. Thanks so much for the compliment and good wishes. I had hoped that my blog would be useful to someone. I'm glad you have found it helpful.

MARRIED!

Thanks for all the good wishes! I did get married and couldn't be happier! My dress did arrive - actually dresses - and I tried on the one that I liked the best as well as all my friends and it fit perfectly. Like it was made for me even, so that's the only one I tried on. (Picture to the left (not me) - it's from JCrew.) Funny what happens when you follow the size chart that they provide and use a measuring tape? : )

A week before the wedding and since then, I have found it pretty easy to stay on my routine of 4 or so workouts and good food choices most of the time. I swear that I have lost weight - clothes are looser - but don't have my scale with me to check. I thought about getting a scale, but figured that I am better off with just one that I go by. I guess I am feeling more 'stable' for lack of a better word and that is helping me stay on track.

I plan to weigh in next week though and see where I am. I'd like the looseness of my clothing to translate into a change on the scale, but as long as I am within my 138-141 range I'm good. (I'd rather have 135 though! Not going to lie!) I am definitely in much better shape, I can jog 5 miles in under an hour without a lot of effort. I need to consider increasing my intensity a bit or at least put in some intervals or something on some of the days. I'll have to think about that more and report in.

I do want to get on my soap box for a minute though as I read a lot of blogs etc. and speak about fills.

First the not going to mince words - No one should be tight enough that they are not able to eat solid food period. That is not the purpose of the band. Everyone should be able to eat *most* foods and should be eating a well-balanced diet.

Being at the right fill level and eating what I am *supposed* to has been key to my success. Did I have some bumps along the way? Sure. But I firmly believe that my long-term success has been that I recognize and live by the band as being a tool. It is still up to me to make good choices.

Think long and hard about whether or not you really need a fill or do you need a head adjustment? Are you eating what you are supposed to? Both in types of food and amount. (Remember - hard foods are what works - eat your protein first, have some veggies, etc.) Are you exercising? It is my opinion that if you are relying on the band to do all the work for you that you will not be as successful than using it as a tool. And don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people that are using the band that way, I just had to get this out cause it has been bugging me (again).

For anyone that is reading this and wondering, "Well smarty pants, how much do you have in your band?" I have about .1-.2 in my band. It's pretty much empty in other words. I am able to eat pretty much anything (some times of the month I can have problems with bread), but I ensure that I stick to the right amount of food (see right side of blog). I think that keeping my "pouch in shape" has also helped me tremendously. If I get hungry, I make sure I am craving 'real' food and not crap. If it is crap, then I am not hungry - it's my head/emotions. If it is 'real' food, then I have a snack.

Am I perfect? FAR from it! I have crap now and then in moderation, but since I am at goal and working out this works. It's a reasonable and healthy way to live without feeling deprived. Honestly, I think a before and after pic would go a long way to proving these points, but I am not comfortable with that. That being said, I am considering setting up a separate blog that I would lock down and provide access to people with their email address. If you are interested, please comment.

Here's some info from a previous post (guess this topic comes up now and then for me!) that I think provides some additional info...

Do you really really need a fill? Or maybe you just need...

• An eating change
• A behavior change
• An activity change

An eating change

• Are you eating what your provider told you what you are supposed to eat? Or are you eating crap? Be honest.
• Are you avoiding liquid calories?
• Are you eating the correct portion size? Seriously, try it. You will likely see that if you measure everything and quit when full or when the food is gone that within about 15-20 mins that you are full. (Brain delay is what I call it.)
• Are you avoiding soft foods?

A behavior change

• Are you eating only 3 times a day? Or if truly hungry and not head hungry making a wise choice in snacks?
• Are you eating breakfast? (Even if a liquid one...My experience anyway was without breakfast of some sort it stalled my weight loss.)
• Are you eating CONSCIOUSLY? Paying attention to indications that you really are full? (Some people experience a runny nose, a burp, etc.)
• Are you grazing between meals?
• Are you drinking liquids while you eat?
• Are you eating when you aren't hungry?

An activity change

• Are you moving? Like real exercise?
• Walk. No excuses not to. Work up the time if you have to, but I'd suggest 30 mins every day or with one day off. If you increase the time, then you can shorten the number of days.
• Get a pedometer. Walk 10,000 steps a day.
• EVERYONE has the time. Be honest about how much you sit around or watch TV. You can watch the TV at the gym while you are walking on the treadmill.

Bottom line - if you are or are not doing the things above as appropriate to what I suggested and are not losing weight, then I think you need a fill. If you aren't doing these things and aren't losing weight, then I don't think you need a fill. That's my two cents and I'm sticking to it!

I'm Getting MARRIED!

Yep, that's right people, I'm officially engaged! And my wedding is the first weekend in July. Um, nope not of next year - that is THIS year! There is no reason to wait. It makes the bi-state working less stressful for me (my boss is great, but working in another state for your husband instead of your boyfriend just has a better ring to it).

I don't want a traditional wedding and *shock* didn't even want an engagement ring. I'd rather use the money toward us buying a house wherever we decide to live. Oh, but don't fret, if I change my mind, I get one. He's feeling bad about not getting me one - says I deserve one, etc. (sweet, huh?). I kinda want one and then I go nope, but I just think it is cause I don't have a ring on my finger. When I have my wedding ring, I think I'll be fine. If not, I'll just get one, but I'd rather be sure. :-)

So what about him? It's a first wedding for both of us, but thankfully he doesn't want all the drama and complexity of a wedding either. If it was important to him, I would definitely do it. Thankfully it isn't.

We are having a ceremony and some hoopla, but it is only us. I think it is going to be great and am excited! I was hoping that I'd be more of a traditional bride with a big huge desire to get on a 'wedding diet', but unfortunately that isn't me! In fact, I am having to battle not eating crap 'cause some of it is stressing me out.

I'm waiting for some dresses to arrive and will post my final decision. No veil or anything and a simple dress that is something that is 'me'. I will be carrying a bouquet as well. I want the damn things to get here. I think the dress is stressing me out the most. I still suffer from some dysmorphia and didn't know what size to order. I forced myself to trust both the sizing chart and the tape measure. We'll see, but I just wish I had a dress selected that looks good and fits well. Worst case, delivery will be Monday. I'll update and I'll either be relieved or freaked out...

Just being...

That pretty much sums it up. I've been busy with life. From my job to a cross-country relocation trip (7 states and 3,000 miles) with my BF as he starts a new job. Movers took care of the 'stuff', but the vehicle had to be driven. Everyone had said that one of the 'best' tests of a relationship is a cross-country trip together in a car. I'd have to agree. There were some bumps along the way, but we managed to make it through them and compromise (both of us!) and look back on it with amazement in the journey and also what we accomplished in a short time once we got here in getting the place ready.

I will still continue to travel between two states as we figure things out. I have been settled in TX for a long time, friends, have a house, etc., but am very fortunate that my job will also be flexible should we decide that relocating is the next step (and has been flexible in letting me work remotely from another state). The delay in the decision to relocate is around his job. He needs to be sure that he likes it, etc. and that we can plan on a 2-3 year time period. It just seems to make the most sense to both of us.

I mind and don't mind the long distance. The 'I mind' part is when I start freaking out about where is this going and what am I doing. Which honestly is pretty stupid when we are both committed to this and are planning to eventually get married. That being said, it is hard to be so independent and then co-dependent (not in the bad sense, but from the perspective of taking into account another person - you married people know what I mean). The toggling is hard and vulnerability in general is hard for me as well because of some experiences in my childhood. Anyway, I've asked for a plan as it will help me feel like things are more stable. So, we are working on that.

I'm sure I'll have more blabbing about this as things go on...On the band front, really no news. I am still below my goal weight - guess I should just start saying that this is my goal weight rang - and stay within 138-141 lbs depending on what has to be water weight as my clothes continue to fit fine. So for now I am focused on maintaining. Maintaining to me is eating well most of the time and exercising most of the time. I check my weight and make sure my clothes are still fitting OK. It seems to work, so I am sticking with it for now. Bottom line - (and not to be a negative Nancy) - band or no band - diligence is important. Diligence and consciousness is important otherwise it's a slippery slope...

Funk...

I've been in a funk. After the surgery and the complication and a long separation (which is still going) from my guy, I just landed in a funk. I'm not sure why. A few things that I have thought of:

• Surgery and while I didn't 'want' kids I always thought it would be my body going through menopause rather than a hysterectomy that would make that decision for me. (Yep, I know adoption is always an option, but unless you have been through this it is hard to describe the emotions, etc.)
• Complication - the on-going discomfort kept me from getting back on my schedule of at least exercising by working out.
• Anxiety because of separation from my guy. Is it real? Will it work out? When will he change his mind? (Yes, I have some baggage, but I am hoping it is carry-on size.)
• Bottom line - I went into a funk which really was a bit of depression. (Have been severely depressed in the past - medication, etc. - so knew the signs.

So what did I do? I looked for something to get me going. I decided that a new gadget might help me and I got myself a GoWear fit - It's essentially just like a BodyBugg, but much cheaper. (Essentially same functionality, made by the same company, etc.). I've had it since about mid-April and I'll post separately on it, but here's some things I learned:

• I get a much better workout at the gym than outside. (I think I just work harder because of all the people around.)
• I have confirmed what I knew. I have the metabolism of a sloth. I guess you could look at it with a positive slant which is my body is extremely energy efficient and doesn't burn much. It's a green body. HA!
• It does kinda suck wearing it all the time on my arm, so I think long term it may be something that I wear just when I am working out.
• It was worth the money. I am back on track and overall I am feeling much better.

Geez - I have to get caught up on everyone's blogs! (Hey, if any of you are thinking of getting a BodyBugg or a GoWear Fit and have questions, please let me know. I'm happy to share my experience and opinion.)

Happy Easter or Passover!

I love this cartoon...I wish everyone a very Happy Easter and a Happy Passover!

All the test results are in. I have a bruised and an abraised bladder. Everything indicates it is healing, so there is nothing that needs to be done. It could take up to 3 months(!) for it to completely heal. At 3 months, they'll do another test just to make sure everything is OK. All good news as far as I'm concerned. It explains everything and the bleeding has gone down dramatically as well.

I have had some Easter candy this weekend. I am a SUCKER for candy and as all bandsters know candy goes right down without a problem. Oh well, it's a holiday, right? I'm planning on heading to the gym Monday, but doing 'strolls' in the meantime.

Huh?

First - Thanks for the good wishes!

Nope it wasn't an infection. All the lab work came back negative. I am having some tests today and tomorrow to be sure that there isn't any damage to anything in my urinary track (bladder, etc.). I am sooo excited! Uh, not, but at the end of the tests it will either confirm that there is something up or that it is residual and nothing is wrong that needs to be done. The positive is that by the end of the week I should know and then can just move on. I am looking forward to that for sure!

I have been weighed at multiple doctor's offices and of course every weight has been different. I bit the bullet and weighed in today. Last time I weighed in I was 141 lbs. (I was less than that prior to the surgery, but I am going to conveniently forget about that. HA!) Today, 142 lbs - And, I'll take it! I haven't been doing any exercise, so I am happy with this.

Not exercising has affected me. I feel like I have less energy and honestly I just feel FAT! Something about working out for me addresses all that and I feel energized and healthy. Oh - and my sleeping isn't as good as it is if I'm working out either. If everything goes well this week, I'm back at it on Monday---not psycho, but build up working out. (I have taken some strolls around the lake, but definitely not exerting myself.)

Not surprised...

Have an infection and hopefully that is all it is. I'll take the antibiotics for 7 days and it should clear everything up. If not, then back to the doctor for more tests. Fever was over 101 this morning at the dr's office which explains why I have been feeling like dog poop. Doc said I'm cleared to go back to the gym when I feel like it. Right now - I don't. So, I will be vegging for a few more days.

Nope...

I still haven't weighed in. I continue to watch what I am eating and follow the rules, but I am guessing the lack of exercise is having some effect since my surgery. I just don't want to add the stress to myself right now of a weight gain because I need to take it easy until after my doctor's appointment tomorrow. I have been having this weird discomfort - hard to describe - but I just don't feel right and am feeling tired all the time. (Hmmm, maybe the tiredness is due to a lack of exercise? ha) I thought the best thing to do was just go in and have the doctor check me out - my appointment was a couple weeks out, so I just moved it up. I want to ensure that I don't have an infection.

If I get a green light, then back to the gym Wednesday morning. My plan for this week is to walk an hour on the treadmill. My goal is in the next 45 days to have my mileage back up to where it was which was around 40 miles per week minimum. If I have gained anything, this will take care of it I'm sure. Funny thing is that my clothes still fit, so I am hoping the damage - if any - is minimal.

Dawn, Melody, and Jody V - You ladies are all right! A BIG thanks for adding the comments. It helped a lot. I haven't told him as we are going to be apart for the next couple of months. I thought it best to tell him in person and when we will be together for a bit of time to answer any questions / concerns that he has. I really wasn't looking for an excuse, this just seemed better for ME as I would be wondering what he is 'really' thinking and driving myself crazy with it (seriously and honestly shows that I am thinking what I need as well which is not a normal practice for me!). I'll have a better idea what is going on if we are together. Stay tuned on that.

Traveling girl...

I have been essentially living between two states since November of last year. A guy who I used to date in 2006/07 re-entered my life after deciding that a long-distance relationship wasn't what he wanted. (When we met he lived in the same state as me, but work was taking him out of state.)

Well, needless to say - over time he realized that I super wonderful (of course - ha!) and that we should give it a try. This was more than fine for me as this guy is a keeper and one that I would marry. As someone that never thought she would get married (never really wanted to) and has actually been engaged twice (uh, yep, I'm the REAL Runaway Bride - Julia Roberts movie) this is significant.

So where do I think this is headed? Actually to marriage. We have had many discussions about it, what each of us want, etc. I don't want a 'wedding'. I'd prefer that he get a ring, 'officially' ask me, and we just go get married.

My recovery has been challenging for both of us and frankly a little scary for me. As a 40-year-old woman that has always relied on herself and is very very independent it takes a effort of my part to let my guard down and fully let him in. I've been getting better at this over time, but also realize I have some more work to do.

How does this relate to my blog? Well, he doesn't know about my lap band. Nope - not at all. There are only 7 people in my life (none of which are family) that know about my surgery. I'm not sure how he will react, what he will think, etc. Yep, I'm scared about telling him as well, but I am going to have to tell him. When will I get the nerve up to do it is the question?

Hormones suck...

Oh yes, to all women I am stating the obvious and every single woman knows exactly what a woman is referring to and can totally relate. Well, men can't. They say they do, but nope. I have two types of hormones:

1. I am going to cry and cry for no reason
2. I am totally on edge and anything you say might set me off

In both instances, it is horrible for people around me and I gladly own this 100%. The problem is the getting mad shit that can occur (and usually does) by the man.

As a lovely side effect of the surgery, although I was lucky to get to keep my ovaries, they have to switch blood supplies. During this time, some people (SOME people) get the joy of experiencing some menopausal symptoms. Guess what? I am SOME people!!!! I had a hot flash and said - I hope I don't have any more of these, which I haven't, but my hormones are OUTTA WHACK big time. Both 1 & 2 as described. UGH!

I have not been working out because I am still sidelined because of the surgery. I have been eating a lot better than I had been though and am hoping that I will end up maintaining as a minimum.

I'm Back!

Hoping that I haven't been gone so long that people gave up on me! I plan to spend the next couple of days catching up with everyone's blogs.

Where have I been? Working and traveling and just busy in preparation for my surgery which was Monday---puts me out for a couple weeks and then only 40 hours for the next 4. (40 sounds normal for most people, but I usually end up working closer to 60 each week.) My workouts went down a bit and eating went a little south as I was anxious about the surgery itself, but overall remained at my last reported weight. (Yeah on that!)

I am supposed to listen to my body and I should be able to start walking when I feel up to it. No jogging or anything until after 4 weeks. As long as I'm walking and watching what I am eating, I don't think this will be an issue.

I'd be wondering if I read on someone's blog what the surgery was - well, I had a hysterectomy. Turns out that I had cervical cancer come back for the third time and was sick of dealing with it. This is supposed to take care of everything. The downside is kids are not a possibility, but I'm old anyway and can always adopt. The upside - no more periods!!! (And yep, I did get to keep my ovaries.)

Please make sure that in addition to breast self exams that you are going in for your annual checkup which includes a pap smear. Honestly, if you have to have cancer this isn't a bad one to have. It is very slow growing and if caught early it's not so bad with a very good prognosis.

As if...

What I was dealing with wasn't enough. Guess what? As of this afternoon, absolutely NO voice at all. I am hoping that by the time I wake up tomorrow that some of my voice will be back. It kinda makes it hard to work without a voice. ;-) No fever - so must be viral. Bottom line - I need to quit whining and woman up. As I said in my last post, no weigh in, but have been doing some workouts at the gym this week - just not at my normal intensity. Bad storms (thunder, golf ball sized hail, and tornado threat) is headed my way shortly. This is normally spring type weather, but the weather has seriously been crazy here in Texas.

For those of you that are in Australia (and happen to stop by my blog now and then), I hope you and your families are safe. I knew there were fires going on from reading the news online, but recently there has been a lot of coverage on the news here in the US. A horrible, horrible situation.

Mel - Thanks for the good wishes on my last post. I appreciate it. BTW - I LOVE the new outfit. Take a look at the pictures again objectively--meaning as if they are someone else you are looking at--- and you can see how much the outfit really just doesn't fit (in a good way - way too big!). You look fabulous in the new one!

SICK!

That's all I can say. Between my cold and my allergies - which are totally outta control - I have done a whole lotta nothing. I am not weighing in. I'm not doing much of anything. Hoping the bit of rain today will help with my allergies because my medicine sure isn't.

Hope everyone else had a better week than me!

Weekly Weigh In

Well, turns out I did lose 1.5lbs of the Santa weight and trying not to beat myself up about the fact that it likely would have been more without the Taco Bell & Candy. Definitely progress though, so I will focus on that. I did take today off from the gym, but am considering a walk. I'll see how I feel and what time I get done working. Current weight: 141 lbs.

Super Bowl Sunday!

It's Super Bowl Sunday and I'm sitting here watching the pre-game show. I am totally exhausted. I want to finish up the sorting, but the worst room (office) is what is left. I finished the kitchen though. I might have to leave the office until next weekend, but plan to keep going in and out this afternoon in case I get a second wind.

I was planning that next weekend would be for cleaning since all the sorting was to be done. I'll have to see how it goes. There is definitely plenty of time to do the sorting as it's pretty much 10 hours of TV for the Super Bowl. Seriously, for those of you that don't realize the beating (I mean entertainment), it starts at noon. Kickoff is about 5ish and goes until essentially 10pm tonight.

So what's my problem? My problem is that I am having the desire to eat crap!!! I am going to do my best to refrain and remind myself that tomorrow is my weigh in day. I thought maybe if I threw it out here that it might help with the battle. Again, it's not hunger. It's emotional crap eating. The cool thing (trying to find something) is that I am so good at recognizing it BEFORE it starts. In the past, I would recognize it after the fact - so that's real progress! And I would have to say that I mostly am able to deal with it!

I worked out every day this week. Honestly - too much. It is contributing to the feeling of exhaustion and my legs are not sore, but just worn out. Hard to describe. Depending on how I feel in the morning, I might have to go ahead and take a day off to let my legs rest. Doing the elliptical is also an option. I jogged 54 miles this week. Too bad I ate all that crap on Saturday or I'd be more optimistic that I would see a huge loss tomorrow!! Here's the exercise stats:

• Mon - 80 mins
• Tues - 80 mins + 65 mins
• Wed - 120 mins
• Thurs - 70 mins
• Fri - 65 mins
• Sat - 65 mins
• Sun - 62 mins

Note to self: TOMORROW is weigh in day. Deal with your emotions in another way rather than eating them! (And get the sorting done! ha)

BWAAAAAA...

Not really anything else I can say and here's why: I have been eating right and exercising all week (yeah me). Then last night I went out with a good friend for a couple adult beverages. I was already hungry, but add a little alcohol to the mix and I was starved. On the way home....TACO BELL and then I proceeded to eat a TON of candy. I am not kidding you. I ball parked the calories this morning and estimate it was easily between 1500 and 2000 for the extravaganza.

Bottom line - I can't use the drinks as the excuse. I was hungry and made bad choices. The candy - for me that slides right on by the band. So doesn't matter if I am probably already full, it goes right on down. I just plain didn't want to and wanted to eat a bunch of crap. Well, mission accomplished.

The good news - I am back on track today. That's the trick - do it - get it over with - and get back on track. In all honesty though I did do the beat up thing this morning and then said to myself - GET OVER IT AND SHUT UP. Cause it is over and done with. Nothing can be done about it now. Sometimes the self-kick-in-the-ass is quite effective for me! HA

What did I have? Nachos supreme with extra beans and a ton of fire sauce (Taco Bell really is a weakness of mine), Reese's miniature peanut butter cups, and Cadbury's milk chocolate. MMMMMM-mmmm-good I tell ya!

So, I won't - or I shouldn't be - surprised if I have little to no progress on my weigh in on Monday. Just thought of this - I just had my Superbowl party early! There is a lot of crap at Superbowl parties and this year I have decided to just stay home so I can get some things done around the place at the same time.

I am busy sorting out the house today. My friend that was here helped me get the stuff that I had piled in the garage to the donation place this morning, so I am going through the rest of the house. I've lived in this house for 12 years and crap - crap that I don't need or use I might add - has piled up. I just want it out. So, if I workout today, it will be later. If I don't, then I will for sure tomorrow.

Here's my exercise so far this week:

• Mon - 80 mins
• Tues - 80 mins + 65 mins
  
• Wed - 120 mins
• Thurs - 70 mins
• Fri - 65 mins
• Sat - **
• Sun - **

**Workout at least one of the days.