Monday, November 29, 2010

T-Week Goals Hit

Thankfully I got my 5 exercise sessions in last week, because I sure as heck kept my other promise of eating on Thanksgiving! The meal itself was pretty healthy, it was me saving room for dessert! And, boy, was it good!

I didn't weigh and don't plan on it until later in the week or maybe even the week after---who knows. Bottom line - it was one day of crap fest and I worked out plenty.

This week there should be a couple spins on my new BIKE! Hubby has been wanting us to get bikes for some time. We went to look over the weekend and there were some good sales. We were all ready to get two on Saturday and the bike guy said he would hold them and to come back on Sunday and we'd save 20% more! I had picked out a different bike and then I saw the bike that another blogger was the bell that was the clincher for me! (Sorry - can't remember who it was. I guess I wasn't kidding when I commented that I hoped you didn't mind if I got one as well!)

We spent the weekend getting the house decorated. Santa has definitely puked all over the place, but we now have to do the cleaning again from putting everything up. I complained the entire time, which is typical, but then as expected I like how it looks when it's finished. It's our first year in this house for the holidays, so we are having a holiday party in a couple weeks.

This coming weekend is my birthday. We're headed to Oklahoma to stay in a cabin for the weekend, so it will only be a 4 bootcamp week this week and next unless I can get myself motivated to go to one of the night sessions to get a 5th one in. If not, no big deal and we're planning (fingers crossed on decent weather!) on doing some hiking this weekend.

Polar Round Up:
Time: 5 hours 35 mins
Calories: 3054

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Thanks for the comments on the last post. Good stuff by all, so thought I'd cover off on a few things first:

Cody - Banana R3public. Fortunately I am by an outlet though. I don't usually have an issue with the rise or the length and the pants are very professional looking, but yet can be paired with other "stuff" to look cool enough for a night out. Other favorites: Ann Tayl0r L0ft and JCr3w. (I hope you are feeling better!)

Justawallflower - Believe me I am a frugal gal! I buy expensive ones rarely and wear them until they just look worn out. I am going to bet though as you continue on your downward journey that you might start getting tempted as well! And most definitely, I highly recommend at least going and trying LOTS of stuff on. : ) I'll take some pics and also the ones that I did get.

Sam - As you shrink, I think you might like shopping a bit more. (I honestly am not a fan of it and do it more out of necessity.) And, you'll also find that your options for getting bargains really expand.

Matilda - Well said! That's my thinking as well.

I figured I should figure out where I am in advance of the holiday weight wise (Weigh In Wednesday). I don't plan on weighing right after the holiday until mid-week or so the following week. I just don't think it's a good idea as the day after I KNOW I will be up weight wise. There is just no way (ha) not to be with the sodium content, etc. and why put that stress on me. I don't weigh every week any more, just now and then to see what's going on and if I'm within my range. Today was a new low, 129 lbs. I seriously got on and off that scale 5 or 6 times, but everytime the same thing. Good cushion for the holiday season, but man that sure would be weird to stay in the 2's!

Happy Thanksgiving to people here in the States. And, to each and everyone that actually stops by and reads this - THANK YOU!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

How Much Would You Pay?

A number of years ago I changed my thinking on work pants / slacks. For me, spending $80 - $100 on a pair of pants that fit well while expensive wasn't really that expensive if I factored in the number of times that I was going to wear them, the style, and the quality (cause hello - if I spend $25, but they don't make it past 5 times through the laundry, did I really get a good deal?).

It's kind of like a MPG calculation, I have a DPW (dollars per wear) calculation. Now, don't get me wrong, I really prefer spending much less and am always on the lookout for a bargain. (I recently got some work slacks that are priced at some insane price like $120 for $50 with a combination of a sale and a coupon. That's how I prefer to buy them and they will last for a year easily of wearing them all the time.)

But let's talk jeans. I can get cheap jeans, but when I hit my original goal weight, I got an expensive pair. Let me tell you there is a BIG difference between cheap ones and expensive ones. I kept looking and found a pair that I put on and MAGIC! They fit like a glove, were long enough (I carry my height in my legs, not torso), and made my butt look good. Sadly, that $125 pair of jeans is now too big...(oh, and I swear they just get better looking with more washing!).

So, I'm on a hunt for a new pair, but I'm struggling a bit. (1) how much is too much to spend? But if I get a classic cut (such as not skinny) they won't go out of style and I can keep wearing them for years---it's back to DPW. So this one is really do I like them enough and do they fit well enough. Which leads me to (2), spandex is evil in my book. Period. I honestly would prefer my jeans to be without it because I want to buy a pair and KNOW that the dang things fit and are not really too big.

(OK, this is where I fess up to buying a pair of $100 jeans last month, swearing they fit, kinda feeling like they were going to be too big, freaking out about the size - uh no way, can I wear smaller, getting them, and YEP - too frickin BIG! Not horribly big, but definitely big and not "the magic" that I was seeking.)

So, I went to a Tru3 Religi0n outlet and tried some on there. I found a pair I really liked, but at the outlet, these jeans are still massive cash. And the added bonus, NO returns. You buy them, they are yours. I didn't really have 2 hours to walk around the store wearing them while I figured out how big they would get with the spandex (HA), the chick thought I should go down a size, so I left them there.

(Funny story - these jeans come in sizes like men's jeans. Which is really great, if you actually know what size you wear. I went wearing a really lovely outfit (NOT!) of a big sweatshirt and some pair of jeans I just shouldn't wear anymore. I honestly told the chick I have no idea what size I wear, but told her my dress/pants size currently (and why do I find that embarrassing?). So she said try these. I put them on and they were huge. Keep in mind this is a young girl with the next part, so I wasn't offended by what she said, she'll learn as she matures---or gets a customer that gets pissed I show her so she can get an idea of how big they are and she says. "Oh, you really are the size you told me." Like I said, I just let it go. Hoenestly, who is going to LIE when you are buying a massively expensive pair of jeans?????)

I am also not totally convinced that you can't get this brand at a decent price elsewhere where I can return them, so more searching must occur. So how much? Check out the pic below. GULP! Read the tag though, it really cracked me up----they better be some special jeans at that price!!!! (How much would you spend?)

PS - Workout 2 of 5 completed.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Just logging...

I cannot believe it's Thanksgiving week! And, OMG, I cannot believe that I am hosting dinner at my house and I was supposed to have Wednesday off, but it's just not going to happen. Too much work. Yep, kinda stressing.

I am going to have a little bit of whatever I want on Thanksgiving, but I'm planning to workout 5 times this week. During the holidays it's just too easy to slip into a slump and I have some events coming up that I have to dress for. It sure wouldn't be convenient if the outfits I got to wear suddenly didn't fit!

Hear that self? 5 times, period. No excuses!!! It would be soooo easy to start making them and it's not going to happen. You LIKE the way you feel after working out and it HELPS with stress management. You WILL not feel as good if you don't.

One workout down this morning. I also have one that I planning to do Thursday morning. I find that I make better choices and eat less overall on the days that I workout. On Thanksgiving, the workout is intended to be a stress reliever and a great start to the holiday festivities (oh ok, all the eating!)

Last Week's Polar Results
  • 7 hours
  • 3176 calories
I actually thought the calories would be higher, but it  makes sense. The workouts last week were really more strength focused and my heart rate overall wasn't as high as it normally is for sustained periods.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Got Attitude?

The bar was there in front of me, well over my head. It was taunting me. I didn't know if the chin / pull up "threat" from the day before was going to happen or not....but I sure as hell wasn't going to ask. I had a stern discussion with myself on the way over at o'butt crack thirty that went something like:

"Knock it off. Attitude is everything. If you *think* you can't do it, well then there is no way you are going to be able to do it. Mind over matter!...And, quit obsessing because you don't even know if you will even be doing it. grumble...grumble...wish I was in bed, etc."

We did a bunch of stuff and there was plenty of hard stuff. I figure I've dodged a bullet and that bar is just going to remain where it is. "OK Ladies" - queue evil music - there's the smirk. In my head: "OH NO" and the battle ensues - "SHUT UP, you can do this. Positive. Think positive. YOU CAN DO IT!"

"Today ladies we are going to do a chin up position. You will step up and hold yourself suspended above the bar...." I pass, but I am kinda tuned out and back in my head at this point. And KNOW I am going to be first. UH YEP. Good grief....I can do this, I CAN do this. It's not a chin up. It's a hold yourself up there (she's gonna hit you with the full on another day). You are 105 lbs lighter than you used to be. Focus on that."

I get up there and I DID IT. I held myself up there a long frickin' time---probably 10 years, um, no just felt like it. Until my arms were shakin' (isn't that a song?) and I hung on a bit longer and down. WHEW! But ya know what, I did it, but this is where it got interesting. There's another lady in the class that's fit ---well, there are plenty of them that are---but it's important to know that she is fit.

It's her turn to go and before she steps up she says, "I can't do this." Class responds with "yes you can" etc. But guess what? She couldn't. And I know she physically can, but her mind won out. It was truly mental.

And, I hate to say that I learned something from her challenges, but I did. It illustrated the mental game outside of myself. A different perspective - more objective somehow - because I know she has the strength to do what we did based on the other amazing things I've seen her do.

And, it's bigger than these silly little challenges I talk about here. It's this whole journey weight loss, maintenance, health/ really. Attitude is everything and especially during times when I am thinking that I can't do something or struggling. I will use my boot straps, put on my big girl panties, and soldier on by remembering I CAN do anything I set my mind to!

OMG Moment(s) (play on NSVs)
  • It was 5 years since my surgery two days ago and I didn't even think a lick about it since I did the 5 year post. Go figure!
  • I am almost 42!!! Yikes, like in 3 weeks. It's mind blowing to me.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Suspension What?

This week I have been doing suspension training. Oh, the asskicker is loving torturing us---you can see it in her twisted  little grin. Small crew for this workout, but O-M-G it is hard. Pike, fly, curl, one-legged burpee, mountain climbers, squat, single leg squat, plank, you name it, we did it. And more torture awaits!

The system was developed by a Navy Seal...uh, never would have guessed THAT! If you're really bored, you can watch a video on the T-R-X system by going here. The featured one "what the T-R-X in action"---It has quite a bit of what we were doing which you mainly see men doing in the video...Hmmmm...come to think of it, if you look at what the majority of the stuff that features women, it's more just stretching. What's up with that?

We are also integrating the workouts with kettleb3lls which has been a favorite of mine for a while. Seriously, I like swinging those steel(?) bells around and on a bad day I imagine that I am whacking someone with them! All my whining aside, I am really enjoying the challenge and the workouts. I have to make that really itty bitty cause I sure as hell don't want the asskicker to know!

But when I was leaving today, the asskicker said something about pull ups tomorrow. Um, excuse me? I only graduated to real full on pushups this year let alone a pull up! I don't know if she was kidding or not or if I'll be able to do it, BUT if that is her evil plan, I am going to think POSITIVELY and tell myself that I CAN do it and see what happens...Have I said I'M SCARED!!!

I think I am ebbing and flowing through some band / weight paranoia. I can recall other times that I would have this happen: wasn't losing, wasn't losing fast enough, was hitting a weight where I was really internally freaking out (ding ding ding, we have a winner!), etc. etc. So, I am chalking up my last post the "what the hell do I need a fill?" to that. Yes, I am getting hungry between eating much more often and sooner, but like I wondered maybe that is just normal for where I am weight wise and my activity level. Only time will tell...

As much as I wish I could say there is a finish line to this journey, there just isn't and that's reality...But feeling so strong and healthy is oh so worth it...And looking good in clothes ain't so bad either!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Round Up and Raging

Man, I'm glad it's Friday. I was hoping things would slow down at work, but no such luck. I forgot my round up from last week, so putting both here so I have them logged.

I am convinced that I have no restriction at all as my appetite is raging. It just feels different and is a bit hard to explain. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it at this point.

I honestly wonder if they would even give me a fill and I am not a fan of the cattle call place that I go to for fills. I'd really like to speak to someone that will give me more than a blank stare as that's how I feel about the place I currently go to. I can't even remember the last time I went. It could be pushing 2 years at this point- YIKES! And, I am guessing I weigh about 15 lbs less from what I remember weighing in there.

Here's what I envision: I go in and PAY out of my pocket $120 bucks. I fill out the sheet with all of their questions. I go back to the "person" (hmmmm, I just realized I don't even know the credentials these people really have). Weigh. And the response is: you are right where you need to be - "no fill for you" (ha ha Seinfeld reference). Anyway, who knows, but I can tell you I would be PISSED if this happened, because if I do go in, it would be for an itty bitty tiny fill and that's what I'd be paying for.

Aaarrrggghhhh, I'm just going to think about it and if my weight remains stable, my clothes are fitting, and I'm not hungry 24 hours a day, then maybe this is really the right spot for me for now.

Rambling...babbling...that's pretty much where I am on my band at the moment.

Polar Round Up for This Week:
  • 5 hours 45 minutes
  • 3153 calories
Polar Round Up Last Week:
  • 4 hours 21 mins
  • 2463 calories

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Dear Hubby...

While you think and say that Veterans Day here in the US is for those "people that get shot at", it really is about everyone that has served, is serving, or lost his or her life for our country. It's every single person in the military regardless of his or her role that makes it what it is. You spent years of your life serving your country full time as a military officer and deserve a "thank you" and even decided to continue your service since. While we have struggled with this first year or so of our marriage, one thing has remained steady for me. I have never doubted loving you (just sometimes didn't like you very much and wondered if we should really be married - HA!). I am proud of you and I thank you for your service.

To every single person that has served or is serving in the US military - thank you for your service. To those of you that lost a loved one, there are no words adequate enough, but please know that there are many people across the nation that are thinking of (and thanking) every one of them that made the ultimate sacrifice for our country.

Should you happen to see someone today that is part of the military today (or any other day), please consider saying "thank you for your service". I know that when my husband is in his uniform and people say things to him that deep down it means a lot.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


(Uh, no dirty dirty minds - not that kind of swinging!) I can't remember how I ever stumbled onto Gr33n M0untains' site, but there have been a number of posts out there that have either given me something to think about or respond with "yep, that's EXACTLY it", not outloud, but in my head. Anyway, you get the point. This post on appetite swings definitely hit home with me today.

Some days I'm super hungry and other days I'm not. Over time I made a conscious decision that it is OK. For me, it goes back to my former dieting mentality - the "shouldn'ts" and "can'ts" and all that crap. But for some time now I've changed that. If I'm hungry, I'm hungry and I eat. Some days I may have 2 meals while other days I may have 6 meals, but ya know what, it works for me and my weight has stabilized. I should also say that it was very scary to switch to this way of thinking and there are times that I still struggle with it!

The only caveat is when I see myself veering toward crap. I try to do a gut check (HA) to see if it's hunger, emotional, or just a desire to want something not so healthy. For me crap generally means it's emotional or just that I want it.

If it's "emotional", that's when I put the brakes on--at least I try to! Cause the crap food just isn't going to make me feel better and might even make me feel worse. By worse, not necessarily guilty as I'm trying to work on that as well, but it's this feeling after eating the crap that is a realization that wasn't what I wanted or honestly even what I needed. I try to figure out what is really going on. This has been hard, but I can thankfully say that it's gotten easier with focus and diligence.

Part of my shrink/counselor work over the years was it being pointed out to me that I can't identify or misidentify my feelings. As weird as that sounds, I really struggle with it. I was told it was from years of denying my true feelings in my childhood and learning to bury them because nobody really cared. I don't focus on that part - that's an "is what it is" thing for me. I focus on OK here's the problem, so how do I address it. It was a huge thing for me to learn. Today I have a cheat sheet. It's a paper that has a whole ton of feelings listed on it. So when I can't figure out what it is that I'm feeling, I look at the sheet and it helps me identify it.

If it's the "I want it and gotta have it", then I'll have it and move on. For example, I wanted coconut M and M's last week. It was lunch time and that's what I wanted period. Sure, I could have had something healthy, but the reality is that I still would have wanted those damn things! So, I had them for lunch and moved on.

Baby steps, but progress nonetheless. Breaking the cycle and learned behaviors is really hard, but worth it. While my outside looks a heck of a lot better, in a way I feel prouder of these other changes. Hmmm, maybe it's that I'm happier? Hell, where's my sheet!

Thursday, November 04, 2010

FIVE Year Bandiversary!

On November 16, 2005 I was banded. Hard to believe it's been 5 years (OK, close enough!). In honor of that I am going to do a reallllllyyy long post. The first part is my standard one that I have been doing every year, but at the end I am adding more additional thoughts...oh, and there's a few before/after (never been seen) pics...

Official weigh in stats:
  • Height: 5'8"
  • Starting weight: 234 lbs
  • Original goal weight: 149 lbs (Sat here for a while in maintenance and then decided I was still a bit fluffy)
  • Revised goal weight: 138 - 142 lbs (Stayed within this range for a while and picked up boot camp)
  • Revised goal weight again - Current maintenance range  132-136 lbs.
  • Current weight today: 130.5 lbs
  • Overall loss: 100+ lbs
  • Lbs to goal: 0 lbs
BMI: 19.8 - 20.7 -  (Normal weight = 18.5-24.9)

How many fills have you had?
  • 1st fill – 1.2cc – 12/21
  • 2nd fill – 1.8cc – 1/25
  • 3rd unfill - was just too tight - went to 1.4cc
  • 4th unfill - dilated pouch - complete unfill
  • 5th fill - .6cc
  • I think I went up some from here to about .8cc; then unfill to about .4 cc; then another to .2 cc - that's where I remain.
Are you going to stay at your current fill level? Yes. Although I think the added drop in weight, has resulted in no fill whatsoever. This might be OK, but if I am struggling to stay within my maintenance range or not feeling at all satisfied with bandster portions (which seems to be disappearing) then I am going to consider a smidgen of a fill.

What are you going to do next? Keep doing what I'm doing and determine some sort of additional fitness goals (see thoughts at the end)

What size clothes are you wearing?
  • Pants: 2/4
  • Dress: 2/4
  • Shirt: S/XS
  • A year ago, I'm pretty sure that I was a 4/6. While there is not a lot of weight difference there was a whole lot of shape shifting. I have boot camp to thank for that.
What do you eat in a typical day? There really isn't typical anymore, but I always eat 3 to as many as 6 meals. I listen to my body and if I'm hungry I eat. I should say though that "meals" is used loosely here. It could be a few nuts, a string cheese, a yogurt, half a bar, etc. - each is a "meal" - and I consciously make it a bandster portion.

Was it worth it? Yes, it was! It was much more expensive when I got it than it is today, but it was still worth every single self-pay penny!

Have you had any problems? Yes, but not anything horrific in my book. You'll see in the beginning of my blog that shortly after my surgery I swore my stitches in my port popped. Everybody told me at the surgeon's office no way and not to worry about it (there was a huge snow/ice storm when I was supposed to go in for my after surgery follow up). When I went in for my fill, my port was on it's  side. I still have not had it fixed, but you can now see a big lump from it when my shirt is off and FEEL it. Feeling it is the grossest. (I think many people refer to them as port baby or something? Well, mine is more of a tween!) I have also had some problems with pouch dilation. Turned out that it was likely a combination of being too tight and eating too much over time. Signs? Eating more than you are supposed to (and also could be in conjunction with eating too fast) and getting heartburn (aka - reflux).

Have you pb'd? Unfortunately, yes. More so when I was too tight. Currently only from stupidity.

What rules do you follow? Eat slowly. Take small bites. When I feel full - stop. Eat bandster amount. Don't drink with meals. (See the side.)... and: Eat CONSCIOUSLY - am I hungry? Am I full? Does it taste good? etc.

Do you have loose skin? I had said no previously. As I got thinner, my skin is not definitely that of a 20 year old, but I'm not 20 either! I'd have to say that the skin situation has improved more over time though. How is that? Exercise! Boot camp and jogging. The only time you can see a "skin situation" is when I'm in a certain position that I only do when working out. You can also see a bit of loose skin in the tummy area when I'm naked and leaning over (so you won't be seeing it!) which is not noticeable when i am standing up or in a swimsuit.

Do you 'diet'? Yes? No? Even if I only ate hamburgers, wouldn't that be a hamburger diet? The bottom line whether you have a lap band or not is you have to make healthy food choices most of the time. For a while, I was roughly following Weight Watchers that my friend gave me all the scoop on---the intent though was to become more in tune with what I was eating (the eating consciously crap). It was successful for me, but with all the exercise it just wasn't feeling right. It was feeling like work, so I just started listening (and trusting!) my body and eating when I am hungry---what you can pretty much think of as intuitive eating. Your call on whether or not it's a "diet", but there isn't anything that is restricted from my eating if I want it. But then again, sometimes I want a bunch of crap and I tell myself no. So you tell me.

So what is all this about this 15lbs you gained? Well, for about 5 or 6 months sometime in 2008(?), I didn't work out, log my food, or make good choices. Major, major funk city---ironically this is when there was a "break" in my relationship with my hubby. The good news is that I only gained 15 lbs. In the past, this would have been much worse. I also avoided the scale, so it was my clothes screaming at me that they were tight that woke me up. I just slapped myself upside the head and said: HELLO, get a grip. You spent a ton of money. You are being an idiot. Get back on track and do it NOW! You will feel better if you do. (I think I was in a bit of a depression.)Well, I did - I'm just stubborn like that. That is what you see referenced in a period of 12 weeks. During that time with a lot of dedication and effort - and following all the rules - I lost 15.5 lbs....and, felt a whole lot better!

Favorite Posts:

Accomplishments this past year:
  • Stronger and fitter than when I hit goal originally. (I can do man push ups!)
  • Look and feel healthy and fit.
  • Found a workout I really enjoy - boot camp - and got over feeling guilty about the expense!
  • Feel like I am getting on solid ground in maintenance. (I'm sure I said it and thought it before, but for some reason now it's different. It takes a lot to convince me something has really changed I guess!). I guess I feel this way because I really do pretty much eat what I want and I don't obsess over eating things that are not the healthiest of choices and my lack of dependence on the scale. And, I probably need to distance myself more from the scale if you read my post about freaking out about the low that has been repeatedly displaying.
  • I have gone into stores and found clothes that I really liked, but at times instead of not having a large enough size, it's now because there isn't a small enough one. (It's weird.)
  • I realized I didn't do one of these posts at 4 years. I don't know why 5 years "feels" so different---more of a milestone, it just does. I figure that 10 years will be the same.
What's next? Next year I want to have more strength overall (build more lean muscle) and possibly consider seeking out another fitness goal or activity. I want to continue on this maintenance journey eating food in a balanced way of eating healthy most of the time, but also not when I want to! Continue working on not speaking negatively to myself and in regard to my body (it's a sub-conscious thing and I do it out of habit. I've gotten better, but would like to stop doing it entirely.) Continue to blog! ... maybe learn how to include pictures in this blog so they look a little better! : )

Here's to another 5 years of successful maintenance!

Notes on Pics:
  • Top 2 pics - I probably weigh more than 234 lbs  (my starting weight) in these pics, but that is my highest recorded weight which was after cutting way back on crap while thinking about WLS.
  • 3 pics in black - those were when I decided that some before pics would be a good idea and had probably already lost 20 lbs. I'd definitely have taken these differently in hindsight (maybe tighter outfit and not black for sure). 
  • Halloween Costume - that's from 2008 - I weigh 145 lbs in that pic. What a difference 10 ish lbs makes though between this and the next!
  • Recent Pics - I weigh 132 ish in those pics as I hadn't weighed myself. I've been weighing in around 130.5 - 131 lbs.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Don't Wannas!!!....Holiday Season Blahs?

For the past few days I have been having a case of the I don't wannas. I'm honestly not sure what the hell my problem is. I think part of it is my job. While I am daily thankful to have a good job at a good company with decent benefits and pay (seriously, I am.). I'm just in a funk about it. I think it's a lack of a break. Remember when I did try to go on a vacation? It was pretty much the vacation from hell - ended up getting sick and it was FAR from relaxing. So, I think that's part of it.

Another part is the holidays. No matter how hard I try, I get stressed. It's baggage from my past surfacing and I know it and do my best to manage it. It's hard to describe, but it's in me and it's just a layer of anxiousness that sits there and it ebbs and flows. And, when I'm honest, every year I do get a bit better, but it's the beginning of "the season" so I am suffering from that initial UGH! Plus, I am still adjusting to my husband's family during the season as it is only year two. I'm just moody and emotional.

I'm fortunate though, the family is very nice, it's my own personal holiday angst(?) that gets "poked" somehow on the most simple things such as what are we doing on Thanksgiving *BIG SIGH*. So far the husband has done very well navigating my troubles and has been very supportive... Is it January 2 yet?

And then I also think my weight is a slice in there as an added bonus! It's not bad really (and many will likely think I'm just stupid! and "oh what a problem to have - shut up"), but I have been consistently weighing in at 130.5 lbs. And I am weirding out about it! And honestly I even feel stupid blogging about it although I have been thinking about it in my head A LOT. So I am just biting the bullet and putting it out here because I want to be able to go back and reflect, etc. Anyway, my range is 132-136 lbs. That's what I set for myself, 2lbs above or below 134 lbs. I thought 130.5 was a fluke the first time and just went on my way. Weighed in a couple weeks later and it was the same. Then last week and still there. It was this third time that it's done something in my head.

I haven't been trying to lose weight (oh look more eye rolls! ha!), just living and generally making healthy choices. I knew I had shifted because I have shrunk out of more of my clothes. Anyway, I just seem to be obsessing a bit. And I think that obsessing is really in regard to a WTF reaction. As in is this a REALISTIC weight for the long term? It has always been my personal goal to land somewhere reasonable. Somewhere that I could generally make healthy choices and exercise at a reasonable level without it being a burden. (And, while my level of exercise may seem high to some, I really enjoy it! So, I'm not going to cut back on something that I enjoy and IS good for me.)

I thought I had landed at the "right" spot, but now I'm not sure. SEE!!??!! Even after five )@#*($#) years, I still think crap like this!! So, my goal for the holiday season will still be my current range - 132 - 136 lbs period. And while I *could* say I have some pounds in the bank for the holidays that IS a slippery slope for me. So I'll continue on my path...but please note that I do plan to eat a bunch of my favorite not-so-healthy crap on Thanksgiving! (Mmmmm, pumpkin pie!)