Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Don't Wannas!!!....Holiday Season Blahs?

For the past few days I have been having a case of the I don't wannas. I'm honestly not sure what the hell my problem is. I think part of it is my job. While I am daily thankful to have a good job at a good company with decent benefits and pay (seriously, I am.). I'm just in a funk about it. I think it's a lack of a break. Remember when I did try to go on a vacation? It was pretty much the vacation from hell - ended up getting sick and it was FAR from relaxing. So, I think that's part of it.

Another part is the holidays. No matter how hard I try, I get stressed. It's baggage from my past surfacing and I know it and do my best to manage it. It's hard to describe, but it's in me and it's just a layer of anxiousness that sits there and it ebbs and flows. And, when I'm honest, every year I do get a bit better, but it's the beginning of "the season" so I am suffering from that initial UGH! Plus, I am still adjusting to my husband's family during the season as it is only year two. I'm just moody and emotional.

I'm fortunate though, the family is very nice, it's my own personal holiday angst(?) that gets "poked" somehow on the most simple things such as what are we doing on Thanksgiving *BIG SIGH*. So far the husband has done very well navigating my troubles and has been very supportive... Is it January 2 yet?

And then I also think my weight is a slice in there as an added bonus! It's not bad really (and many will likely think I'm just stupid! and "oh what a problem to have - shut up"), but I have been consistently weighing in at 130.5 lbs. And I am weirding out about it! And honestly I even feel stupid blogging about it although I have been thinking about it in my head A LOT. So I am just biting the bullet and putting it out here because I want to be able to go back and reflect, etc. Anyway, my range is 132-136 lbs. That's what I set for myself, 2lbs above or below 134 lbs. I thought 130.5 was a fluke the first time and just went on my way. Weighed in a couple weeks later and it was the same. Then last week and still there. It was this third time that it's done something in my head.

I haven't been trying to lose weight (oh look more eye rolls! ha!), just living and generally making healthy choices. I knew I had shifted because I have shrunk out of more of my clothes. Anyway, I just seem to be obsessing a bit. And I think that obsessing is really in regard to a WTF reaction. As in is this a REALISTIC weight for the long term? It has always been my personal goal to land somewhere reasonable. Somewhere that I could generally make healthy choices and exercise at a reasonable level without it being a burden. (And, while my level of exercise may seem high to some, I really enjoy it! So, I'm not going to cut back on something that I enjoy and IS good for me.)

I thought I had landed at the "right" spot, but now I'm not sure. SEE!!??!! Even after five )@#*($#) years, I still think crap like this!! So, my goal for the holiday season will still be my current range - 132 - 136 lbs period. And while I *could* say I have some pounds in the bank for the holidays that IS a slippery slope for me. So I'll continue on my path...but please note that I do plan to eat a bunch of my favorite not-so-healthy crap on Thanksgiving! (Mmmmm, pumpkin pie!)


FitBy40 said...

Have you read anything about "Set point theory"? This may be your body's attempt to reset it's set point. Most people struggle to lose the last few pounds because their body is comfy hanging out at a certain point. Your body is probably doing the same thing, so it won't gain 2 pounds right now. Just hang out here for a while and don't fuss too much about it.

Silverhairedgoddess said...

So... you are upset because you are 2 pounds below the weight you want to be, right!

Are you afraid that you will eat back those 2 pounds by eating the wrong stuff and go out of control?

I always thought it was a good idea to be a couple pounds below your goal weight so that if you did indulge a little bit once in a while it would be okey.

But of course I have never gotten to my goal weight - not in all the years of my dieting... so .... but I think your scared of being out of control .... I don't think that will happen .... just read thru your own blog and realize what a strong woman you are !!!

Fluffy said...

FitBy40 - Thanks for the comment - helps me continue to work through this, I have heard/read of set point. Honestly, I'm not sure what I think about that either. It's not so much that I want to gain the weight back to be in my range (cause nah - don't need to do that!), it's something more about the weight/size thing and is this really realistic in the long term. I have "shrunk" a lot...more so than the scale reflects in my opinion. I guess it's the "OK, go get new clothes again in a smaller size, but "what if"" - It's really quite like during my journey when I'd hit a milestone and think "wow, new size--maybe I NEED to keep my larger clothes too - just in case!"

Silverhairedgoddess - Um, yep, I'm a freak/weirdo right now! My range that I set (which I had already revised down this year) is 132 - 136 (target 134), so essentially I am weighing lower than the set range. As I was saying to FitBy40, I really think it's this fear that NO WAY am I staying this size. Better keep the larger clothese. Some of that diet history most of us have! Thanks for the compliment on being a strong woman - most appreciated. BTW - I know you are going to hit your goal this time working your band!!!

Angela said...

It's crazy how fear can do such crazy things to the way we think. 130 is awesome. You can do it! You have too! Who else will I look up to if you don't? No pressure right?

Jody V said...

I can identify with the past causing Holiday anxiety...I have it too.

I can identify with the crappy vacation...my brother died on mine.

But...I truly hope someday to be at least close to my goal like you have. That seems so far away.