Kindness and Massive FAIL!

I was out plodding along this morning, listening to music, and really enjoying my jog. I started thinking about recent trends in posts and what came to mind is how we are unkind to ourselves. Self flagellation really.

It's the holidays and I think it's fair to say that they somewhat (well at least here in the US) revolve around food. I am done feeling bad or guilty or whatever for eating a treat now and then. Just not going to do it. So I thought I'd jot down some of the strategies I have that I use to really keep this negative crap at bay.

The basics:

• On the day of the event, I eat like I normally would. I don't cut back on meals or whatever as it will lead to feeling more hungry at the event.
• During the holidays there is always "something" that comes up that gets in the way of exercising. Shopping, events, whatever. There is just a lot of stuff going on and everyone is busy. I set a goal of the number of times that I would exercise per week for the holidays. I then workout in the mornings. Period. Get it in and done. If I don't, it's easy to talk myself out of it. And, honestly, what else do I have to do at 5am in the morning other than sleep? ;)
• I make sure that I wear something that I am comfortable in when I go. I think this means something different to everyone. For me, it's something that I feel good in. Both in how it looks and how it fits.

The food:

I decide before I go what I am having. Huh? OK, I don't know what they will be serving, but here's what I do.

• Buffet - I am having 6 whatevers. (Savory, sweet, whatever - I get 6 - or some number.).
• Sit down dinner - I will eat a bit or two of everything on my plate. If something is super good, then I'll have more of that. And yep, I'm having dessert. I'll have a bite or two to determine if it's really really good. If it is, I enjoy what I want (even if *SHUDDER* it's the entire thing). If it isn't, I don't eat it because it's there or because I feel I have to. Bottom line, I don't. This took time to learn for me. The "rude" aspect of potentially insulting the host, etc. But I got over it, when/if I get a comment about how much (or little) I am eating, I just rave about how delicious it is and say that I'm full from the prior course. It has worked well so far!
• Drinks - I'll have 2 maximum.

Interestingly what I have found is that I actually eat less. Not because I have to, I feel guilty, or anything, just that I don't want to. Notice that I didn't say "can" have. I said I "am" having. It might be a minor distinction, but for me it makes a difference. I am trying to eliminate this "can" / "can't" / "good" / "bad" mentality.

But then, there's the major FAIL! That's right, no pictures. I am a TOTAL weirdo. I took a pic when I was getting ready on Friday and it started messing with my head and not in a good way. "Uh, it looks like THAT" and other crap like that, so I deleted the picture and said "screw it". Obviously, I still have work to do in this area and wanted to take a pic on Saturday, but we were running late and it just didn't happen. Oh well, if we do something for NYE, I'll try again...or maybe Christmas---Santa brought me a new pair of boots. : ) ....loooovvveee them!!!!

Notes to Self for this Weekend

Dear Fluffy,

So what you don't know anyone other than your hubby at all these events this weekend. You WILL be fine. You have suitable clothing (hopefully!) and have nothing to feel self conscious about. Just get over yourself and have a good time. You are NORMAL and have been for some time, you are stressing out over nothing.

How about taking some pics? You have very few of you and your hubby and both of you will be dressed up. Step 1 - get your camera and pack it. And, should you forget to do this cause you are an idiot, you have a frickin' phone. So NO excuses!

Go back and look at some pics. Take your own advice and look at how far you have come. Get going. And yes, you have eaten more crap than you normally do this week and will again this weekend. Big deal! It's life and it's the holidays. It's been reasonable. Again, get over yourself. In fact, according to your Polar you worked out 6 hours, 6 minutes for 3336 calories---you got in some bonus time and not because you felt like you "had to", but just cause you felt like it!

So, to recap, take a deep breath, finish getting packed up, relax and have a good time. And, one more thing - Get Over Yourself!

Happy weekend!

Procrastinating

There are about 8 bajillion things I could be doing right now, but I don't want to do any of them. So, instead I made a few collages of various pictures of the Christmas swag around the house...dang, I might just have to do one of those bajillion things now...(After all of this, I then forgot to hit "publish". HA!)

Behind!

The holiday rush is on. Presents, parties, etc. This past weekend we had a party here at our house. I think it went well and people had a good time. This coming weekend it's parties both Friday and Saturday. I thought it would be good to catch up on logging my polar results, and also write out what I am referring to as my holiday insanity plan to ensure that I don't lose focus on myself during this time of year which is my normal tendency.

Holiday Insanity Plan

• Movement is key for me. I need the stress relief and it makes healthy choices somehow easier on days I do. Exercise goal is a minimum of 4 times per week between now and Jan 1. Anything on top of that is bonus work!
• Maintain my weight, but do not feel pressure to weigh at all if I don't want to---once a week maximum. There are too many factors that WILL create weight flux (such as salt in the food I will have to eat at the dinner events) that will temporarily artifically inflate the scale. I will focus on how my clothes are fitting!
• I will be kind to myself. The holidays ARE stressful for me. I am acknowledging and recognizing that. I will try to ask for help and support as needed from my hubby.
• I am giving myself permission to eat treats. For me giving myself permission to eat whatever I want leads to me eating less of the treats, sometimes not any at all, and lessened guilt (I am still working toward NO guilt). Proof is in the pudding and I have to remember that. I can't remember when I fully adopted this change - it must be about 10 months ago now - and it has worked. I maintained and shockingly lost more weight which I didn't expect, but quite a few books have said that this way of eating can and usually does lead to exactly what I have experienced. Go figure.

Have you thought about your holiday insanity plan?

Last week (12/8) - Polar Round Up:
Time: 4 hours 39 mins
Calories: 2663

Prior Week (11/29) Polar Round Up:
Time: 4 hours 33 mins
Calories: 2663

Fingers? What are you talking about?

The birthday weekend was great, I'll post some pics in another post. But I have to tell you about my present. My hubby had been saying for a few days when he should give me my present. So, I said, on my birthday. It went on and on, but it was pretty cute because he seemed excited? Anxious? Not quite sure.

Anyway, he gave me this wrapped box which is about a 12 inch cube and it's heavy. I think I'm getting a kettle b3ll because it was on a list of ideas. So, ooo and ahhh first that he wrapped the gift himself which I appreciated and said I don't think it's a dog, so must be a bell. He got a weird look on his face and I didn't think much of it. Well it was a dog.

Not this dog (my friend's):

But this dog which we saw in a furniture store that I thought would look cute on the corner of the desk in the office:

I started laughing because of earlier saying about a dog to find this dog statue. Meanwhile my hubby keeps saying, do you know why he has on a necklace (which he did - plastic thing)? And I said, no. His reply - cause he doesn't have any fingers. Well he just keeps repeating this. And I am thinking, what the HELL? So next thing I know he's wiggling his finger and THIS IS WHAT I SAW!!! It was still on his finger, but you get the idea. Dang, I wish I could get a better picture of it, but this will have to do.

O-M-G!!!! I can't remember if I put this in my blog or not, but when we got married I had a wedding band. No engagement ring, just a plain old tungst3n band. Why? Because I liked the idea of him getting me a big rock and when we had selected it and he was going to get it, I told him I wouldn't wear it. Yep, I just knew that a solitare would drive me nuts in the long run and I wouldn't wear it. It just wasn't "me". But I had to KNOW that he was willing to fork over the money to get me one. As soon as he was ready, it just passed because it was the "right" ring for me.

I wanted a ring that was wide and flat and sparkly. I'd go through spurts of looking, but figured one day when I wasn't looking I'd find it and sure enough. We went into a store for the fun of it and there it was.

Needless to say when he gave it to me, I was SHOCKED! It was unexpected and I cried and cried. Honestly, I had no idea that I would react this way, but I have to tell you that this ring just made me feel loved. The diamonds, right? Nope, it's stupid, but it was him sneaking around getting it, getting it resized, the creative way he gave it to me and telling me - you ALWAYS deserved a nice ring. This is long overdue and I love you...

Step awaaayyy from the decorations!

Potato peels should not go in the garbage disposal. OK, I have been putting them in a garbage disposal forever. Seriously - as long as I have ever had a garbage disposal. I may have heard you weren't supposed to, but it had not been a problem...Until the night before Thanksgiving, trust me - do NOT put potato peels down your garbage disposal. Thankfully (ha ha - Thanksgiving and all) my hubby is uber handy. He was able to fix the problem without calling a plumber. (In my defense, the drain was super clogged already which I did point out to hubby while he was working on it...quickly followed by, but I WON'T do it again. I promise.)

Once I get started on decorating for Christmas, I get out of control. Like seriously Martha St3wart outta control. I was done. Then addressed the areas that I cut corners on thinking "that will be fine". To - huh, that needs lights. Oh wait, so does that area. To the yard which then led to oooooo - the house needs lights (will be up Monday). OK, this insanity has GOT to stop! Oh, and the garland stuff - nope, no store bought assembled stuff for me. I have to make it. Here's an example:

I'll put another big long obnoxious post with more pics when I have time. I'm trying to get work wrapped up so we can leave tomorrow for our getaway weekend. Might be nice if I got around to figuring out what we will need and start packing. Oh well, at least we're driving which provides more flexibility if needed. I seriously do not feel 42 (well, technically not until the weekend). But I find myself looking in the mirror at my face trying to determine if I look 42. As if there is some way 42 is "supposed" to look? Anyway, will hit the road tomorrow and will bring a camera...

T-Week Goals Hit

Thankfully I got my 5 exercise sessions in last week, because I sure as heck kept my other promise of eating on Thanksgiving! The meal itself was pretty healthy, it was me saving room for dessert! And, boy, was it good!

I didn't weigh and don't plan on it until later in the week or maybe even the week after---who knows. Bottom line - it was one day of crap fest and I worked out plenty.

This week there should be a couple spins on my new BIKE! Hubby has been wanting us to get bikes for some time. We went to look over the weekend and there were some good sales. We were all ready to get two on Saturday and the bike guy said he would hold them and to come back on Sunday and we'd save 20% more! I had picked out a different bike and then I saw the bike that another blogger had...it was the bell that was the clincher for me! (Sorry - can't remember who it was. I guess I wasn't kidding when I commented that I hoped you didn't mind if I got one as well!)

We spent the weekend getting the house decorated. Santa has definitely puked all over the place, but we now have to do the cleaning again from putting everything up. I complained the entire time, which is typical, but then as expected I like how it looks when it's finished. It's our first year in this house for the holidays, so we are having a holiday party in a couple weeks.

This coming weekend is my birthday. We're headed to Oklahoma to stay in a cabin for the weekend, so it will only be a 4 bootcamp week this week and next unless I can get myself motivated to go to one of the night sessions to get a 5th one in. If not, no big deal and we're planning (fingers crossed on decent weather!) on doing some hiking this weekend.

Polar Round Up:
Time: 5 hours 35 mins
Calories: 3054

WIW

Thanks for the comments on the last post. Good stuff by all, so thought I'd cover off on a few things first:

Cody - Banana R3public. Fortunately I am by an outlet though. I don't usually have an issue with the rise or the length and the pants are very professional looking, but yet can be paired with other "stuff" to look cool enough for a night out. Other favorites: Ann Tayl0r L0ft and JCr3w. (I hope you are feeling better!)

Justawallflower - Believe me I am a frugal gal! I buy expensive ones rarely and wear them until they just look worn out. I am going to bet though as you continue on your downward journey that you might start getting tempted as well! And most definitely, I highly recommend at least going and trying LOTS of stuff on. : ) I'll take some pics and also the ones that I did get.

Sam - As you shrink, I think you might like shopping a bit more. (I honestly am not a fan of it and do it more out of necessity.) And, you'll also find that your options for getting bargains really expand.

Matilda - Well said! That's my thinking as well.

I figured I should figure out where I am in advance of the holiday weight wise (Weigh In Wednesday). I don't plan on weighing right after the holiday until mid-week or so the following week. I just don't think it's a good idea as the day after I KNOW I will be up weight wise. There is just no way (ha) not to be with the sodium content, etc. and why put that stress on me. I don't weigh every week any more, just now and then to see what's going on and if I'm within my range. Today was a new low, 129 lbs. I seriously got on and off that scale 5 or 6 times, but everytime the same thing. Good cushion for the holiday season, but man that sure would be weird to stay in the 2's!

Happy Thanksgiving to people here in the States. And, to each and everyone that actually stops by and reads this - THANK YOU!

How Much Would You Pay?

A number of years ago I changed my thinking on work pants / slacks. For me, spending $80 - $100 on a pair of pants that fit well while expensive wasn't really that expensive if I factored in the number of times that I was going to wear them, the style, and the quality (cause hello - if I spend $25, but they don't make it past 5 times through the laundry, did I really get a good deal?).

It's kind of like a MPG calculation, I have a DPW (dollars per wear) calculation. Now, don't get me wrong, I really prefer spending much less and am always on the lookout for a bargain. (I recently got some work slacks that are priced at some insane price like $120 for $50 with a combination of a sale and a coupon. That's how I prefer to buy them and they will last for a year easily of wearing them all the time.)

But let's talk jeans. I can get cheap jeans, but when I hit my original goal weight, I got an expensive pair. Let me tell you there is a BIG difference between cheap ones and expensive ones. I kept looking and found a pair that I put on and MAGIC! They fit like a glove, were long enough (I carry my height in my legs, not torso), and made my butt look good. Sadly, that $125 pair of jeans is now too big...(oh, and I swear they just get better looking with more washing!).

So, I'm on a hunt for a new pair, but I'm struggling a bit. (1) how much is too much to spend? But if I get a classic cut (such as not skinny) they won't go out of style and I can keep wearing them for years---it's back to DPW. So this one is really do I like them enough and do they fit well enough. Which leads me to (2), spandex is evil in my book. Period. I honestly would prefer my jeans to be without it because I want to buy a pair and KNOW that the dang things fit and are not really too big.

(OK, this is where I fess up to buying a pair of $100 jeans last month, swearing they fit, kinda feeling like they were going to be too big, freaking out about the size - uh no way, can I wear smaller, getting them, and YEP - too frickin BIG! Not horribly big, but definitely big and not "the magic" that I was seeking.)

So, I went to a Tru3 Religi0n outlet and tried some on there. I found a pair I really liked, but at the outlet, these jeans are still massive cash. And the added bonus, NO returns. You buy them, they are yours. I didn't really have 2 hours to walk around the store wearing them while I figured out how big they would get with the spandex (HA), the chick thought I should go down a size, so I left them there.

(Funny story - these jeans come in sizes like men's jeans. Which is really great, if you actually know what size you wear. I went wearing a really lovely outfit (NOT!) of a big sweatshirt and some pair of jeans I just shouldn't wear anymore. I honestly told the chick I have no idea what size I wear, but told her my dress/pants size currently (and why do I find that embarrassing?). So she said try these. I put them on and they were huge. Keep in mind this is a young girl with the next part, so I wasn't offended by what she said, she'll learn as she matures---or gets a customer that gets pissed off....so I show her so she can get an idea of how big they are and she says. "Oh, you really are the size you told me." Like I said, I just let it go. Hoenestly, who is going to LIE when you are buying a massively expensive pair of jeans?????)

I am also not totally convinced that you can't get this brand at a decent price elsewhere where I can return them, so more searching must occur. So how much? Check out the pic below. GULP! Read the tag though, it really cracked me up----they better be some special jeans at that price!!!! (How much would you spend?)

PS - Workout 2 of 5 completed.

Just logging...

I cannot believe it's Thanksgiving week! And, OMG, I cannot believe that I am hosting dinner at my house and I was supposed to have Wednesday off, but it's just not going to happen. Too much work. Yep, kinda stressing.

I am going to have a little bit of whatever I want on Thanksgiving, but I'm planning to workout 5 times this week. During the holidays it's just too easy to slip into a slump and I have some events coming up that I have to dress for. It sure wouldn't be convenient if the outfits I got to wear suddenly didn't fit!

Hear that self? 5 times, period. No excuses!!! It would be soooo easy to start making them and it's not going to happen. You LIKE the way you feel after working out and it HELPS with stress management. You WILL not feel as good if you don't.

One workout down this morning. I also have one that I planning to do Thursday morning. I find that I make better choices and eat less overall on the days that I workout. On Thanksgiving, the workout is intended to be a stress reliever and a great start to the holiday festivities (oh ok, all the eating!)

Last Week's Polar Results

• 7 hours
• 3176 calories

I actually thought the calories would be higher, but it  makes sense. The workouts last week were really more strength focused and my heart rate overall wasn't as high as it normally is for sustained periods.

Got Attitude?

The bar was there in front of me, well over my head. It was taunting me. I didn't know if the chin / pull up "threat" from the day before was going to happen or not....but I sure as hell wasn't going to ask. I had a stern discussion with myself on the way over at o'butt crack thirty that went something like:

"Knock it off. Attitude is everything. If you *think* you can't do it, well then there is no way you are going to be able to do it. Mind over matter!...And, quit obsessing because you don't even know if you will even be doing it. grumble...grumble...wish I was in bed, etc."

We did a bunch of stuff and there was plenty of hard stuff. I figure I've dodged a bullet and that bar is just going to remain where it is. "OK Ladies" - queue evil music - there's the smirk. In my head: "OH NO" and the battle ensues - "SHUT UP, you can do this. Positive. Think positive. YOU CAN DO IT!"

"Today ladies we are going to do a chin up position. You will step up and hold yourself suspended above the bar...." I pass out...no, but I am kinda tuned out and back in my head at this point. And KNOW I am going to be first. UH YEP. Good grief....I can do this, I CAN do this. It's not a chin up. It's a hold yourself up there (she's gonna hit you with the full on another day). You are 105 lbs lighter than you used to be. Focus on that."

I get up there and I DID IT. I held myself up there a long frickin' time---probably 10 years, um, no just felt like it. Until my arms were shakin' (isn't that a song?) and I hung on a bit longer and down. WHEW! But ya know what, I did it, but this is where it got interesting. There's another lady in the class that's fit ---well, there are plenty of them that are---but it's important to know that she is fit.

It's her turn to go and before she steps up she says, "I can't do this." Class responds with "yes you can" etc. But guess what? She couldn't. And I know she physically can, but her mind won out. It was truly mental.

And, I hate to say that I learned something from her challenges, but I did. It illustrated the mental game outside of myself. A different perspective - more objective somehow - because I know she has the strength to do what we did based on the other amazing things I've seen her do.

And, it's bigger than these silly little challenges I talk about here. It's this whole journey weight loss, maintenance, health/fitness...life really. Attitude is everything and especially during times when I am thinking that I can't do something or struggling. I will use my boot straps, put on my big girl panties, and soldier on by remembering I CAN do anything I set my mind to!

OMG Moment(s) (play on NSVs)

• It was 5 years since my surgery two days ago and I didn't even think a lick about it since I did the 5 year post. Go figure!
• I am almost 42!!! Yikes, like in 3 weeks. It's mind blowing to me.

Suspension What?

This week I have been doing suspension training. Oh, the asskicker is loving torturing us---you can see it in her twisted  little grin. Small crew for this workout, but O-M-G it is hard. Pike, fly, curl, one-legged burpee, mountain climbers, squat, single leg squat, plank, you name it, we did it. And more torture awaits!

The system was developed by a Navy Seal...uh, never would have guessed THAT! If you're really bored, you can watch a video on the T-R-X system by going here. The featured one "what the T-R-X in action"---It has quite a bit of what we were doing which you mainly see men doing in the video...Hmmmm...come to think of it, if you look at what the majority of the stuff that features women, it's more just stretching. What's up with that?

We are also integrating the workouts with kettleb3lls which has been a favorite of mine for a while. Seriously, I like swinging those steel(?) bells around and on a bad day I imagine that I am whacking someone with them! All my whining aside, I am really enjoying the challenge and the workouts. I have to make that really itty bitty cause I sure as hell don't want the asskicker to know!

But when I was leaving today, the asskicker said something about pull ups tomorrow. Um, excuse me? I only graduated to real full on pushups this year let alone a pull up! I don't know if she was kidding or not or if I'll be able to do it, BUT if that is her evil plan, I am going to think POSITIVELY and tell myself that I CAN do it and see what happens...Have I said I'M SCARED!!!

I think I am ebbing and flowing through some band / weight paranoia. I can recall other times that I would have this happen: wasn't losing, wasn't losing fast enough, was hitting a weight where I was really internally freaking out (ding ding ding, we have a winner!), etc. etc. So, I am chalking up my last post the "what the hell do I need a fill?" to that. Yes, I am getting hungry between eating much more often and sooner, but like I wondered maybe that is just normal for where I am weight wise and my activity level. Only time will tell...

As much as I wish I could say there is a finish line to this journey, there just isn't and that's reality...But feeling so strong and healthy is oh so worth it...And looking good in clothes ain't so bad either!

Round Up and Raging

Man, I'm glad it's Friday. I was hoping things would slow down at work, but no such luck. I forgot my round up from last week, so putting both here so I have them logged.

I am convinced that I have no restriction at all as my appetite is raging. It just feels different and is a bit hard to explain. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it at this point.

I honestly wonder if they would even give me a fill and I am not a fan of the cattle call place that I go to for fills. I'd really like to speak to someone that will give me more than a blank stare as that's how I feel about the place I currently go to. I can't even remember the last time I went. It could be pushing 2 years at this point- YIKES! And, I am guessing I weigh about 15 lbs less from what I remember weighing in there.

Here's what I envision: I go in and PAY out of my pocket $120 bucks. I fill out the sheet with all of their questions. I go back to the "person" (hmmmm, I just realized I don't even know the credentials these people really have). Weigh. And the response is: you are right where you need to be - "no fill for you" (ha ha Seinfeld reference). Anyway, who knows, but I can tell you I would be PISSED if this happened, because if I do go in, it would be for an itty bitty tiny fill and that's what I'd be paying for.

Aaarrrggghhhh, I'm just going to think about it and if my weight remains stable, my clothes are fitting, and I'm not hungry 24 hours a day, then maybe this is really the right spot for me for now.

Rambling...babbling...that's pretty much where I am on my band at the moment.

Polar Round Up for This Week:

• 5 hours 45 minutes
• 3153 calories

Polar Round Up Last Week:

• 4 hours 21 mins
• 2463 calories

Dear Hubby...

While you think and say that Veterans Day here in the US is for those "people that get shot at", it really is about everyone that has served, is serving, or lost his or her life for our country. It's every single person in the military regardless of his or her role that makes it what it is. You spent years of your life serving your country full time as a military officer and deserve a "thank you" and even decided to continue your service since. While we have struggled with this first year or so of our marriage, one thing has remained steady for me. I have never doubted loving you (just sometimes didn't like you very much and wondered if we should really be married - HA!). I am proud of you and I thank you for your service.

To every single person that has served or is serving in the US military - thank you for your service. To those of you that lost a loved one, there are no words adequate enough, but please know that there are many people across the nation that are thinking of (and thanking) every one of them that made the ultimate sacrifice for our country.

Should you happen to see someone today that is part of the military today (or any other day), please consider saying "thank you for your service". I know that when my husband is in his uniform and people say things to him that deep down it means a lot.

Swinging

(Uh, no dirty dirty minds - not that kind of swinging!) I can't remember how I ever stumbled onto Gr33n M0untains' site, but there have been a number of posts out there that have either given me something to think about or respond with "yep, that's EXACTLY it"...um, not outloud, but in my head. Anyway, you get the point. This post on appetite swings definitely hit home with me today.

Some days I'm super hungry and other days I'm not. Over time I made a conscious decision that it is OK. For me, it goes back to my former dieting mentality - the "shouldn'ts" and "can'ts" and all that crap. But for some time now I've changed that. If I'm hungry, I'm hungry and I eat. Some days I may have 2 meals while other days I may have 6 meals, but ya know what, it works for me and my weight has stabilized. I should also say that it was very scary to switch to this way of thinking and there are times that I still struggle with it!

The only caveat is when I see myself veering toward crap. I try to do a gut check (HA) to see if it's hunger, emotional, or just a desire to want something not so healthy. For me crap generally means it's emotional or just that I want it.

If it's "emotional", that's when I put the brakes on--at least I try to! Cause the crap food just isn't going to make me feel better and might even make me feel worse. By worse, not necessarily guilty as I'm trying to work on that as well, but it's this feeling after eating the crap that is a realization that wasn't what I wanted or honestly even what I needed. I try to figure out what is really going on. This has been hard, but I can thankfully say that it's gotten easier with focus and diligence.

Part of my shrink/counselor work over the years was it being pointed out to me that I can't identify or misidentify my feelings. As weird as that sounds, I really struggle with it. I was told it was from years of denying my true feelings in my childhood and learning to bury them because nobody really cared. I don't focus on that part - that's an "is what it is" thing for me. I focus on OK here's the problem, so how do I address it. It was a huge thing for me to learn. Today I have a cheat sheet. It's a paper that has a whole ton of feelings listed on it. So when I can't figure out what it is that I'm feeling, I look at the sheet and it helps me identify it.

If it's the "I want it and gotta have it", then I'll have it and move on. For example, I wanted coconut M and M's last week. It was lunch time and that's what I wanted period. Sure, I could have had something healthy, but the reality is that I still would have wanted those damn things! So, I had them for lunch and moved on.

Baby steps, but progress nonetheless. Breaking the cycle and learned behaviors is really hard, but worth it. While my outside looks a heck of a lot better, in a way I feel prouder of these other changes. Hmmm, maybe it's that I'm happier? Hell, where's my sheet!

FIVE Year Bandiversary!

On November 16, 2005 I was banded. Hard to believe it's been 5 years (OK, close enough!). In honor of that I am going to do a reallllllyyy long post. The first part is my standard one that I have been doing every year, but at the end I am adding more additional thoughts...oh, and there's a few before/after (never been seen) pics...

Official weigh in stats:

• Height: 5'8"
• Starting weight: 234 lbs
• Original goal weight: 149 lbs (Sat here for a while in maintenance and then decided I was still a bit fluffy)
• Revised goal weight: 138 - 142 lbs (Stayed within this range for a while and picked up boot camp)
• Revised goal weight again - Current maintenance range  132-136 lbs.
• Current weight today: 130.5 lbs
• Overall loss: 100+ lbs
• Lbs to goal: 0 lbs

BMI: 19.8 - 20.7 -  (Normal weight = 18.5-24.9)

How many fills have you had?

• 1st fill – 1.2cc – 12/21
• 2nd fill – 1.8cc – 1/25
• 3rd unfill - was just too tight - went to 1.4cc
• 4th unfill - dilated pouch - complete unfill
• 5th fill - .6cc
• I think I went up some from here to about .8cc; then unfill to about .4 cc; then another to .2 cc - that's where I remain.

Are you going to stay at your current fill level? Yes. Although I think the added drop in weight, has resulted in no fill whatsoever. This might be OK, but if I am struggling to stay within my maintenance range or not feeling at all satisfied with bandster portions (which seems to be disappearing) then I am going to consider a smidgen of a fill.

What are you going to do next? Keep doing what I'm doing and determine some sort of additional fitness goals (see thoughts at the end)

What size clothes are you wearing?

• Pants: 2/4
• Dress: 2/4
• Shirt: S/XS
• A year ago, I'm pretty sure that I was a 4/6. While there is not a lot of weight difference there was a whole lot of shape shifting. I have boot camp to thank for that.

What do you eat in a typical day? There really isn't typical anymore, but I always eat 3 to as many as 6 meals. I listen to my body and if I'm hungry I eat. I should say though that "meals" is used loosely here. It could be a few nuts, a string cheese, a yogurt, half a bar, etc. - each is a "meal" - and I consciously make it a bandster portion.

Was it worth it? Yes, it was! It was much more expensive when I got it than it is today, but it was still worth every single self-pay penny!

Have you had any problems? Yes, but not anything horrific in my book. You'll see in the beginning of my blog that shortly after my surgery I swore my stitches in my port popped. Everybody told me at the surgeon's office no way and not to worry about it (there was a huge snow/ice storm when I was supposed to go in for my after surgery follow up). When I went in for my fill, my port was on it's  side. I still have not had it fixed, but you can now see a big lump from it when my shirt is off and FEEL it. Feeling it is the grossest. (I think many people refer to them as port baby or something? Well, mine is more of a tween!) I have also had some problems with pouch dilation. Turned out that it was likely a combination of being too tight and eating too much over time. Signs? Eating more than you are supposed to (and also could be in conjunction with eating too fast) and getting heartburn (aka - reflux).

Have you pb'd? Unfortunately, yes. More so when I was too tight. Currently only from stupidity.

What rules do you follow? Eat slowly. Take small bites. When I feel full - stop. Eat bandster amount. Don't drink with meals. (See the side.)... and: Eat CONSCIOUSLY - am I hungry? Am I full? Does it taste good? etc.

Do you have loose skin? I had said no previously. As I got thinner, my skin is not definitely that of a 20 year old, but I'm not 20 either! I'd have to say that the skin situation has improved more over time though. How is that? Exercise! Boot camp and jogging. The only time you can see a "skin situation" is when I'm in a certain position that I only do when working out. You can also see a bit of loose skin in the tummy area when I'm naked and leaning over (so you won't be seeing it!) which is not noticeable when i am standing up or in a swimsuit.

Do you 'diet'? Yes? No? Even if I only ate hamburgers, wouldn't that be a hamburger diet? The bottom line whether you have a lap band or not is you have to make healthy food choices most of the time. For a while, I was roughly following Weight Watchers that my friend gave me all the scoop on---the intent though was to become more in tune with what I was eating (the eating consciously crap). It was successful for me, but with all the exercise it just wasn't feeling right. It was feeling like work, so I just started listening (and trusting!) my body and eating when I am hungry---what you can pretty much think of as intuitive eating. Your call on whether or not it's a "diet", but there isn't anything that is restricted from my eating if I want it. But then again, sometimes I want a bunch of crap and I tell myself no. So you tell me.

So what is all this about this 15lbs you gained? Well, for about 5 or 6 months sometime in 2008(?), I didn't work out, log my food, or make good choices. Major, major funk city---ironically this is when there was a "break" in my relationship with my hubby. The good news is that I only gained 15 lbs. In the past, this would have been much worse. I also avoided the scale, so it was my clothes screaming at me that they were tight that woke me up. I just slapped myself upside the head and said: HELLO, get a grip. You spent a ton of money. You are being an idiot. Get back on track and do it NOW! You will feel better if you do. (I think I was in a bit of a depression.)Well, I did - I'm just stubborn like that. That is what you see referenced in a period of 12 weeks. During that time with a lot of dedication and effort - and following all the rules - I lost 15.5 lbs....and, felt a whole lot better!

Favorite Posts:

If I was going to point out a few posts to go read, it would be:
My thoughts on protein and some other opinions
Restriction
Craziness (IMO) of what WLS success is
Golden(?) rules
My Most Important Rules
Why Do You Exercise?
Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3

Accomplishments this past year:

• Stronger and fitter than when I hit goal originally. (I can do man push ups!)
• Look and feel healthy and fit.
• Found a workout I really enjoy - boot camp - and got over feeling guilty about the expense!
• Feel like I am getting on solid ground in maintenance. (I'm sure I said it and thought it before, but for some reason now it's different. It takes a lot to convince me something has really changed I guess!). I guess I feel this way because I really do pretty much eat what I want and I don't obsess over eating things that are not the healthiest of choices and my lack of dependence on the scale. And, I probably need to distance myself more from the scale if you read my post about freaking out about the low that has been repeatedly displaying.
• I have gone into stores and found clothes that I really liked, but at times instead of not having a large enough size, it's now because there isn't a small enough one. (It's weird.)
• I realized I didn't do one of these posts at 4 years. I don't know why 5 years "feels" so different---more of a milestone, it just does. I figure that 10 years will be the same.

What's next? Next year I want to have more strength overall (build more lean muscle) and possibly consider seeking out another fitness goal or activity. I want to continue on this maintenance journey eating food in a balanced way of eating healthy most of the time, but also not when I want to! Continue working on not speaking negatively to myself and in regard to my body (it's a sub-conscious thing and I do it out of habit. I've gotten better, but would like to stop doing it entirely.) Continue to blog! ... maybe learn how to include pictures in this blog so they look a little better! : )

Here's to another 5 years of successful maintenance!

Notes on Pics:

• Top 2 pics - I probably weigh more than 234 lbs  (my starting weight) in these pics, but that is my highest recorded weight which was after cutting way back on crap while thinking about WLS.
• 3 pics in black - those were when I decided that some before pics would be a good idea and had probably already lost 20 lbs. I'd definitely have taken these differently in hindsight (maybe tighter outfit and not black for sure). 
• Halloween Costume - that's from 2008 - I weigh 145 lbs in that pic. What a difference 10 ish lbs makes though between this and the next!
• Recent Pics - I weigh 132 ish in those pics as I hadn't weighed myself. I've been weighing in around 130.5 - 131 lbs.

Don't Wannas!!!....Holiday Season Blahs?

For the past few days I have been having a case of the I don't wannas. I'm honestly not sure what the hell my problem is. I think part of it is my job. While I am daily thankful to have a good job at a good company with decent benefits and pay (seriously, I am.). I'm just in a funk about it. I think it's a lack of a break. Remember when I did try to go on a vacation? It was pretty much the vacation from hell - ended up getting sick and it was FAR from relaxing. So, I think that's part of it.

Another part is the holidays. No matter how hard I try, I get stressed. It's baggage from my past surfacing and I know it and do my best to manage it. It's hard to describe, but it's in me and it's just a layer of anxiousness that sits there and it ebbs and flows. And, when I'm honest, every year I do get a bit better, but it's the beginning of "the season" so I am suffering from that initial UGH! Plus, I am still adjusting to my husband's family during the season as it is only year two. I'm just moody and emotional.

I'm fortunate though, the family is very nice, it's my own personal holiday angst(?) that gets "poked" somehow on the most simple things such as what are we doing on Thanksgiving *BIG SIGH*. So far the husband has done very well navigating my troubles and has been very supportive... Is it January 2 yet?

And then I also think my weight is a slice in there as an added bonus! It's not bad really (and many will likely think I'm just stupid! and "oh what a problem to have - shut up"), but I have been consistently weighing in at 130.5 lbs. And I am weirding out about it! And honestly I even feel stupid blogging about it although I have been thinking about it in my head A LOT. So I am just biting the bullet and putting it out here because I want to be able to go back and reflect, etc. Anyway, my range is 132-136 lbs. That's what I set for myself, 2lbs above or below 134 lbs. I thought 130.5 was a fluke the first time and just went on my way. Weighed in a couple weeks later and it was the same. Then last week and still there. It was this third time that it's done something in my head.

I haven't been trying to lose weight (oh look more eye rolls! ha!), just living and generally making healthy choices. I knew I had shifted because I have shrunk out of more of my clothes. Anyway, I just seem to be obsessing a bit. And I think that obsessing is really in regard to a WTF reaction. As in is this a REALISTIC weight for the long term? It has always been my personal goal to land somewhere reasonable. Somewhere that I could generally make healthy choices and exercise at a reasonable level without it being a burden. (And, while my level of exercise may seem high to some, I really enjoy it! So, I'm not going to cut back on something that I enjoy and IS good for me.)

I thought I had landed at the "right" spot, but now I'm not sure. SEE!!??!! Even after five )@#*($#) years, I still think crap like this!! So, my goal for the holiday season will still be my current range - 132 - 136 lbs period. And while I *could* say I have some pounds in the bank for the holidays that IS a slippery slope for me. So I'll continue on my path...but please note that I do plan to eat a bunch of my favorite not-so-healthy crap on Thanksgiving! (Mmmmm, pumpkin pie!)

Danger...Candy Ahead!

I'm not gonna lie, I LOVE candy. There really isn't one that comes to mind that I don't like, I just may not love it. So Halloween and throughout the holidays can be a bit of a danger zone for me. One piece here, another piece there, ya get the picture.

I have candy every now and then --- sometimes more "now" than "then"! --- but I just can't keep big bowls of it around. I have struggled with whether or not I should do the trick-or-treat thing and have decided not to.

I don't really want to do it. I find it to be a pain in the butt and it falling on a Sunday night just makes it less appealing (and, yep, maybe I'm a scrooge!). And if I did do it, if I am really really honest about it with myself my motivation is to have a few treats myself. Don't get me wrong, a few would be fine, but around a big huge bowl of yumminess it's hard for me to stop at a few...mmmm, candy corn---pure sugar loveliness.

Regarding Comments from My Last Post on "How Much?"
Thanks to each of you that took the time to leave me a comment on the post! Each one made a difference and reassured me that I am not a big weirdo about how I felt.

Ms. Julie - OMG, if I could just SLAP your boss I would!!! First you should be proud and you look fabulous! And, while I would gladly slap your boss, I want to say that I think you are giving him too much credit. Not to man bash (sorry any male readers, stopper bys, lurkers), but I highly doubt he meant it that way. I bet you a zillion dollars that he has NO idea whatsoever that you weigh 175. I bet you he estimates your weight much lower. I don't say this to validate or rationalize what or how he made the comment AT ALL, just that men don't do so well in my experience in that arena. (My husband for one can't believe that I "weigh that much" and I have to kick myself in the butt to translate what he's saying from man speak.)

As for the rest of the people, I wonder if everyone asked those questions because Holy Moly Girlfriend - you have done AWESOME!??? Were they simply fascinated by your success and how the "thing" works? Again, not rationalizing, just another side of it for you to consider. Cause it PAINS me and makes me want to slap all of them that you felt anything but good and proud!!!! (Link to Julie's blog: http://imlosingtheweight.blogspot.com/)

Polar Round Up for the week:

• 5 hours 28 mins
• 3020 calories

Man, You've Lost a Lot of Weight! ... How much?

I ran into an acquaintance from work. "Wow Fluffy, you have lost a lot of weight! How much have you lost?" "Uh, I have thanks. Good to see you, how have you been?"

It's probably some weird insecurity I have, but people asking me how much weight I've lost kinda strikes me as rude. I'm also likely taking it the wrong way as an added bonus. But for non-close friends (my inner circle) to ask me, it makes me uncomfortable. You know it's a lot, so why isn't that enough? Why is the number so important?

I have been at my job for over 16 years. People witnessed my roller coaster ride - thin, not thin, thin, not so thin, fat, not as fat, FATTEST ever, to now. There are a lot of people where I work, so you can go for a year or more without seeing someone that you know. And, don't get me wrong, I understand it's shocking if his or her memory of me is my "before" and it doesn't really bother me if there is an exclamation of "wow, you've lost a lot of weight" or whatever---I think that's a normal, honest reaction as I am kinda like a BL unveiling in that scenario. It's shocking, I get it - just not the "how much?".

I'll dodge it. I'll say quite a bit. I've said a 5th grader. But while I guess I am proud of losing over 100 pounds, I just don't like to advertise it. It's just not me. Am I being a hypocrite since I talk about it on my blog? To me, no. This is my place to put my thoughts, etc. And, one of the original hopes of this blog was that maybe it would help someone else that is either considering or newly banded, so talking about weight and clothing sizes and all that helps me remember and stay true to my journey and potentially others that you can lose the weight you need to by using this tool and making other changes...and, most importantly, maintain the loss 5 years later (and yep, for some reason I am kinda obsessed with this 5 year milestone, but that's another post).

But now that I type this out, I wonder do I think/feel this because of my shyness overall as I get embarrassed when people say anything if I am truly honest about it? Maybe...But in full candor in this meandering post, I also remember when I was about 50 lbs down that I was PISSED that a person in the "inner circle" had not said one dang thing to me. And, if it was someone that had a major weight problem, I'm not so sure I'd mind either. So go figure...Maybe I just need to get over it!

Do people ask you how much weight you have lost? Does it bother you? How do you handle it? Should I be responding differently such as providing "a number"? Should I just shut the hell up and get over it?

My Most Important Rules

I have been thinking for a couple days about what I think are the most important things I do with the band for success. So, this is my list. Some may agree or disagree, but when I think about what I do consistently, this is it:

• Measuring my food. My eyes are unreliable. I need to measure. Some people may say that sounds like a diet, but not sure how that is. It doesn't matter if the food is healthy or not so healthy, I still measure it. 1 cup of whatever total. Most times I finish it, sometimes I don't. If I get hungry later, I have a snack. (And no, I am really not as anal as this sounds, but I can't stress enough how key this is.)
• Eating slowly and consciously. Food needs to have a chance to move out of the pouch. But yet a meal should not last more than 30 minutes (well unless you are at a social event). There is also a Part B to this one - no drinking while eating. I drink all the way up to when I'm eating. Then not while I'm eating and then I try to wait until at least 30 minutes after I finish.
• Eating well most of the time. Essentially the 80/20 rule. If 80% of what I am eating is quality healthy food and 20% isn't, then I'm on track. I really might be more at 90/10 though.
• Moving. Exercise is my friend. Most of us weren't or maybe haven't ever exercised. Muscle (lean body) mass is important. Having more muscle burns more calories and there are other great benefits such as strength, looking more toned, etc. The only way to get more muscle is by exercising and doing strength training. Try lots of stuff. Find something you like!

I fear that the rest of this might be controversial here in blogland, but here goes anyway...

The band shouldn't be "telling me" how much to eat. That's on me. I have to eat the right amount of food. The potential problem with allowing the band to "tell me" is at that point I may actually have eaten too much (or if I have only eaten a few bites and this occurs frequently, my band is not adjusted correctly). I am guessing that I am more sensitive to this because of my own experiences. There was a time that I thought that the band should "tell me". I ended up with a dilated pouch.

It seems that most bandsters now get a fill without fluro. This was not the case for me (the protocol has also changed at the office where I used to get adjustments). So every single time I was adjusted, they saw the "health" of my pouch. My symptoms were not that pronounced and I had a "slight" dilation. I think it would have had to become much worse without the fluoro.

I have pondered why there has been a change in the protocol and the theory I keep coming back to is that when my pouch was dilated that this is technically a complication. It's been diagnosed and I wonder - do they have to report it? Let's be real, this is a business. Statistics are important. If they are having to report it and then "their" patients are having this complication it effects their numbers.

So now they relying on us, the patient, to be open and honest about everything that is going on. Then because of what is said, they might do fluro. But for me, my symptom (mild heartburn---heartburn is not normal) was sporadic, I didn't even think to tell them because from my perspective it was isolated and infrequent. I'm convinced that my dilation would not have been found as quickly as it was without the fluro. I'd encourage anyone that has heartburn to discuss with their doctor/provider and even to consider asking specifically about dilation. Hell, if there's a fluro machine in the office like there is at mine, I'd encourage you to even consider pressing them for a swallow to check it out.

I had my best success when I was adjusted correctly. I was able to eat the "bandster portions" and eat a variety of foods (not necessarily all, but most). I had energy and I was losing weight. It's not a race, but a journey. Enjoy the journey, eat food, learn stuff along the way, make changes, and move more to develop the foundation to make maintenance easier...

And even if you set your mind to "enjoy the journey", it is going to suck at times. It;s just life, so I try to do the best I can and always remember: Change is hard...But oh so worth it!!

Ah-Chooo!

This year my allergies have sucked. The worst they have ever been the entire time I've lived in TX. I swear it's not just me that thinks this year has been bad as many people I know have said the same thing. I am sneezing, coughing, etc. and nothing is working (two kinds of allergy pills - nope; nasal allergy spray - nope; allergy shot - nope). AND, to top that off - no voice for the 2nd time this year. I don't mean it's kinda there - I mean GONE! So, if you find my voice, please let me know and I'll gladly pay you for postage...or you might get more $$$ from my husband to keep it. ; )

And in "go figure, who knew" news: I learned at the doctor last year when I had no voice for an extended period of time that whispering is actually bad for your voice and you should either talk or in my case write things down. Oh and I found that out cause I kept whispering thinking no big deal, well that was a banner no voice time - uh, doctors orders TEN days NO talking period. I wonder where that dry erase board is anyway...

Polar Round Up for the week:

• 5 hours 50 mins 
• 3543 calories

Fat Free

I've mentioned at times about how I'm kicking my own butt when I start saying bad stuff about myself. The nit-picking that I think most women can relate to: I hate this..., I look fat in this..., I feel fat..., etc. It is so ingrained in myself that it takes a conscious effort to stop it. I'm a little better, but let me tell you I still catch myself doing it quite frequently. (This blog has a related post and many others that I can relate to. It's associated with Gr33n Mountain a women's healthy w3ight l0ss program.)

Negativity is also one of the reasons that I put the scale away to weighing once a week and even less now. I was letting that number set the tone of my day---feeling defeated, negative, failure, you name something negative and it was a thought inside my head. I'd also "say" to myself it's OK, but if I'm honest the other crap was really "winning". Now, some weeks I don't weigh at all, I talk myself through it. I've been mostly making healthy food choices, I've been exercising, clothes are fitting no tighter than the week before, etc. This has been helping to break the cycle.

Surprisingly when I did weigh most recently, I was on the low end of my maintenance range. This approach works for me, but it really was an evolution through what I'll refer to as phases in this journey. I have learned something in every one of the phases and have also tweaked my approach as the journey continues.

Do I think there is a "right" way? Definitely not. Each of us much figure out what works for us, but every single one of us must make changes. The "old" way definitely was not working and change was and continues to be required. Change is hard, lasting change is even harder, but I am dug in and going to make these healthy changes permanent....

Shhhhhh...

Don't tell Angela, but she is lovely - inside and out! On top of that, she's also a really smart gal (successful professionally to boot, and no surprise) and a whole heck of a lot of fun!

I think we were both a bit nervous, it's a little weird meeting someone from blogland in person the first time, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? I was definitely glad to have done it. Once we got rolling, we really seemed to just chat away.

Angela knows how to bake, but not how to cook. Having a baking foundation, I am confident that cooking is going to be a piece of cake (HA - couldn't resist) for her. We talked about getting together to cook. Don't get me wrong, I didn't cook a whole bunch either when I was single, but it's a nice option to have and can be fun.

I know that Angela is going to continue her great progress. She's already shrinking out of the pants she had on for lunch!

HA - just saw Angela's post. "Tiny" - that is very weird to hear! But thanks nonetheless Angela!

I'm Excited!

Guess who I am going to meet on Sunday for lunch? The lovely Angela from Repair and Renovation! This will be the first time that I've met a fellow bandster, so I am really looking foward to it. Plus Ms. Angela has been rocking the band and lost like 65 lbs since April! (Check out this post to see what I mean!) So, if you don't follow her, please go over and check out her blog.

Are there any other North Texan WLS Bloggers out there? If so, please let me know!

Polar Round Up for the week:

• 4 hours 21 mins
• 2462 calories

Larry & I...

I have a relationship with Larry. It goes many many years back. If Larry isn't on it, then I'm not eating it! Huh? Wait, aren't you married? (Yes.) Anyone know who Larry is?

He's the dude on the Quak3r 0ats box. Yep, seriously his name is Larry. And yes, Larry is related to this post, because much like my blog which is pink this month, so is Larry!

If you live in the US, unless it's under a rock, you know this month is Breast Cancer Awareness month. So, if you haven't done so, FEEL YOUR BOOBIES! (And this applies to everyone worldwide!).

As I continue to get leaner, my port is starting to bother me...again. Not physically, but cosmetically. At one point, I was going to go see the surgeon about it, but then I found out I'd have to pay for an office visit (self pay and insurance has covered nothing) and decided not to. Man, I found that post. It was 65 bucks and I decided not to go. Kinda funny, but I am pretty sure that I was thinking at the time that the 65 is just a drop in the bucket. Estimated cost was about $2K --- which I think is a lot for a stupid port. Especially when I factor in the risk for infection, etc. Anyway, just something that popped in my head...I seem to recall reading somewhere that they use a different technique for attaching the port now, so hopefully that has reduced this risk for people since.

Texas Fair

I did make it to the fair! Just a few blurbs about it and other thoughts at the end...

Big Tex!

Steer - $101,000. Nope, that's not a typo. Get this, the steer from the Fort Worth Stock Show usually goes for more than this.

Goat - I believe both the sheep and the goat remained for sale. I think goats are cute. I have always said to my husband I want a goat. He thought I was crazy. Then he saw this goat and others and now HE wants a goat. HA!

Pig - OK, this pig was big (and went for $10,000), but there was a pig that was seriously 4x the size of this one. It was kinda gross to me, it was just strangely BIG!

Food - 1/4 of a corn dog with mustard, 1 chicken strip, and about 4 fries. What I had was good, but I had enough. I didn't want anymore fried food EXCEPT the fried cookie dough. I didn't have the cookie dough though because I didn't think it was worth standing in line. I did check out the fried beer. My guess is that it was frozen and then sealed into ravioli pasta --- so, looked like beer filled ravioli to me, but I didn't see anyone eating it. The line for fried frit0 pie was INSANE! Seriously. I saw the battered and fried bacon - honestly, I thought it looked disgusting.

Other thoughts...

• Thanks for the nice compliments on my last post! I didn't plan to take it in a sports bra and when I went to upload the pics is when I noticed it, but said "what the hell". In reading some posts today, I consider this my exposed post. One thing I've been working on is ELIMINATING negative talk about my body. I immediately started picking at the pics and after the first thought in my mind yelled STOP. It's just a habit and a bad one and I'm just not going to do it anymore!
• I am a little pre-occupied with my 5 year (band) anniversary in Novemeber. I guess technically 5 years should be calculated from goal weight vs. banding date, but oh well --- maybe I'll just mark both. It's funny, the first year was a big deal and my recollection is that the others kind of came and went. This one is different. I think it will be the same for 10 years.
• Angela and Nella - Are you guys in North Texas?

Reflections...

On Saturday or Sunday, if I feel like it, I'll go on a jog. I don't count it in my weekly workout time/cals as the intent is for reflection and relaxation. It's one that's just for me.

I go to the same place that I started 5 years ago. It's a lake that has a paved loop around it that also has some incline and decline. It's quite pretty. Filled with geese and ducks and miscellaneous birds with a fountain in the middle. Most of the day, you'll see people there. These people are of all shapes and sizes and ages. The busiest time is the morning and evening when people are, I assuming, getting in their exercise for the day.

I'm one of those people (weirdos?) that will say hello, good morning, good evening, etc. to whomever I pass. I guess it's just a habit that I kinda like and have continued. Today was no different, but for some reason it triggered some thoughts for me today.

Five years ago, I started going around this lake. I started out walking around it once (it's a bit over a mile) and continued from there. I now jog around it easily 3 times in under 30 minutes and have been known to go around it 6 or 7 times. I saw a number of ladies today that don't appear to be as heavy as I was when I started, but nonetheless are not at healthy weights (whoa - hold on - not being mean!) I found myself when I said good morning to these ladies that in my head that hello really meant - please keep going, you can do it, I KNOW you can do it. When roles were reversed, I would see women that seemed to be "whizzing" by and think - "one day that WILL BE me". And today, I realized it was and started to cry. You are your best cheerleader, but I KNOW you can do it.

Happy Thanksgiving to anyone that happens to read this from Canada!

10-10-10 - How cool is that?

Fried Food Capital of Texas!

That's right. I'm off to the State Fair of Texas this weekend and it seriously is referred to as the "Fried Food Capital of Texas" (which is also a registered trademark reference so I don't get in trouble!). So you name it, they fry it. We're not talking Twinkies - that was loooooonnnng ago. I'm talking butter, cookie dough, bacon, cheesecake, etc. (No, I'm not kidding.) This year's winners: Most Creative is Fried Beer and Best Tasting is Fried Frit0$ pie.

I have no idea how the fried beer works - I'll try to find out, but I do know the fried Frit0$ pie is frozen first, dipped in batter, and then fried. And yes, for anyone that is going what the hell? Most are frozen, dipped in batter, and fried. Honestly, it's kinda disgusting to me, but I am fascinated by the whole concept of it. (If you do a search, you can find the website and the food section.)

I might have something, but didn't last time. My favorite thing at the fair is the roasted corn - not a bad thing to have as a favorite!

Polar Round Up for the week:

• 7 hours 58 mins
• 4341 calories

I've got...

Nothing! Seriously - Nada, Nen, Nichts or any other way to say it - that's what I've got. So for a check in I am going to tell you about oatmeal. Yep, oatmeal. Exciting, huh? You can barely stand it? Well, here we go...

Oatmeal is good for you. Lots of reasons - you can find the list if ya wanna on the net or just trust me. I like oatmeal and used to have it in the instant packages in the morning. Well, shockingly it started tasting sweet to me. Too sweet. Weird, but true (don't worry I still LOVE candy). So I needed to come up with a new breakfast "thing", but it was rough and figured out I wanted oatmeal. (I know you can hardly stand the excitement!)

So, I now make my own oatmeal in the microwave. Here's what I do Q*auker Oat$ 1 minute variety. I put 1/2 cup into a 2-cup microwaveable container (it's important it's 2 cups in size at least due to "oat expansion"). 1 cup of unsweentened almond b*reeze (it's nutty and only 80 cals, but you can use milk or water or whatever you want), and a dash of salt. I then put in the microwave for 2 mins. YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT. TRUST ME! It will make a mess if you don't. Usually about 1 min in, it will start expanding and I mix it to kinda deflate it. I continue to monitor it and mix it periodically. I like it at about 2 mins and 15 seconds, but I think there is a dependency to your microwave and also your personal preference.

But it looks so runny!!! Yep, cause it is molten lava at this point! Let it sit for a minute or two and it will be thicker. Depending on my mood, I'll add some dried fruit, cinammon, nuts, or whatever striikes my fancy.

It makes a pretty big serving (1 cup I'd say). Sometimes I eat it all, other times I don't. I just eat what I want and toss the rest. I'm just too lazy to figure out the right ratio to make less and usually there is only a few spoonfuls left. Enjoy!

Five years of blogging...

Go figure, since October of 2005 when I started this blog, they have added new features. I was just flipping around in the tabs and found the Stats page. Pretty interesting! Right off the bat I figured out there were some blogs that I wasn't following and some of them I actually thought I was. I also have everyone added to my Reader.

 

Is there any way to add everyone all at once that follows your blog? Anyone know? I try to go through it now and then, but honestly it's a pain in the butt and I quickly lose my place. (Thanks to all of you that follow my blog.)

 

I'm guessing that if you check the Stats that anything that is coming from Reader isn't registering, so please know that I'm reading your blog. If you happen to see I am not a follower on your page and would like me to follow yours "officially", please just let me know.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if Reader will automatically update with anyone that follows me but isn't already on the list? Sure would be nice if the two things worked seamlessly together!

 

In honor of the 5 years of my blog, I've gone through and listed all the followers blogs below. For some of you, you didn't have a link and I couldn't figure it out - (please provide it to me if you don't mind!)

 

You KNOW you want more blogs to follow! Get to gettin'!

Polar Roud Up for this week (Doubt I'll workout this weekend, if I do, then bonus. Numbers are lower because I just didn't work out as much. Weight: within range.)

• 5 hours 55 mins
• 2953 calories

Blogs to follow:

 

http://bandedconundrum.blogspot.com/
http://islandbandit.blogspot.com/
http://nellaskinnybitch.blogspot.com/
http://dinnerland.blogspot.com/
http://gettingmyskinnyon.blogspot.com/
http://gwens-wls-journey.blogspot.com/
http://lisetheloser.com/
http://www.girlmeetsband.blogspot.com/
http://myluckylapband.blogspot.com/
http://lapbandgalsjourney.blogspot.com/
http://justmeandmyband.blogspot.com/
http://bandmeimready.blogspot.com/
http://banded4me.blogspot.com/
http://mybigfatbandgeeklife.blogspot.com/
http://metamorphicjourney.blogspot.com/
http://sistersbandedtogether.blogspot.com/
http://db1119.blogspot.com/
http://iamsweetpea-seckert08.blogspot.com/
http://jennyr1222.blogspot.com/
http://byebyebiscuits.blogspot.com/
http://secretdiaryofabandgirl.blogspot.com/
http://sparklersstory.blogspot.com/
http://www.jenisgonnaloseit.com/
http://losingweightgainingtons.blogspot.com/
http://nwanonymom.blogspot.com/
http://graces-fat-chance.blogspot.com/
http://bandgroupiethesweetspot.blogspot.com/
http://andjustwhowereyouexpecting.blogspot.com/
http://girlmeetsband.blogspot.com/
http://lifeisgood1966.blogspot.com/
http://abrandnewroo.blogspot.com/
http://sosamalicious.blogspot.com/
http://skinnieminniebrisbane.blogspot.com/
http://jodyvworld.blogspot.com/
http://thelongroadtothenewme.blogspot.com/
http://slimmingcindy.blogspot.com/
http://jenniferx-journeytohealth.blogspot.com/
http://scrummybits.blogspot.com/
http://angiandthelapband.blogspot.com/
http://daggs2shaggs.blogspot.com/
http://downsizemystomach.blogspot.com/
http://bridgetparker.blogspot.com/
http://zenaharford.blogspot.com/
http://mylapbandblog.blogspot.com/

The Reluctant Commenter

This morning I officially diagnosed myself - yes, on the Internet - with Comment Reluctance. I read a zillion blogs, which really is only a bit of an exaggeration, through reader. I'll read posts and think: I've felt that, I had that struggle, Oooo - I found this worked, heck - I'd probably try this, wow - that's impressive, hey - look how far s/he has come, etc. etc. And you know what? I am reluctant to post a comment. Seriously.

I start thinking - who cares what I have to say, what if I offend s/he, what if I come off as a "know-it-all", does a one word comment really matter, the dreaded - will s/he think I am only posting to get a follower? etc. Well, today I am officially OVER IT! I realized this morning while reading Michelle's post on her blog that it's great she is really liking exercise and that I had a couple ideas she could try for the mild heartburn she is having and you know what? I put them in her comments. I realized that if nothing else she'll know I'm reading and she might: feel good as a result of getting a comment or even find a nugget of info to try out.

My thinking is pretty stupid really. Especially when one of the things I have said in my blog is that five years ago when I was banded there were very few blogs and the blogs were from people starting out like me. So, I'm kinda proliferating that in a way if I am thinking "stuff", but keeping in the shadows and not sharing my perspective/thoughts.

I am a work in progress as there unfortunately is no magic pill, but I'm going to work on putting the reluctance aside and assuming that when I do comment that the reader knows that even if the comment lacks eloquence that I have commented out of the best of intent: to help, share knowledge, and support.

BTW - (1) If you don't follow Michelle, go ahead and do so! (2) To each and every one of you that has commented on my blog, THANK YOU for not being a Reluctant Commenter! I do appreciate each and every one of them and the comments are what prompted me to start thinking more about this!

No Matter How Much I Lose...

I am going to look big next to a $martCar. I decided to randomly go into someone's garage and have my husband snap a picture of me next to it. Believe me??? OK, me either, but that's my new car!

Working from home has greatly reduced how much I drive. It was time for a new car, but I couldn't think of anything and why spend a bunch of money on a car that sits in the garage? I had to have something though that I wasn't going to be pissed driving. I drive a nice car now and if I switched to a cheap one that wasn't cute/fun to me I knew I was going to be pissed off every time I got in it. I know pretty stupid, but I had to be honest about it for my sake and his. This car pretty much cracks me up. That's a good thing. Everytime I go to get into it I smile! What more do you need?

Fake TOTM

So, I have fake periods. I can't really remember if I ever blogged about this. But since I had my hysterectomy (kept ovaries), I have what I call a fake period. At first I thought it was in my mind, but it seemed to keep happening and my doctor confirmed it during my last checkup. Which reminds me I am supposed to be taking primrose oil daily. I suck at daily stuff, but probably should reconsider because of what follows...

I am band lazy. I eat band portions, but 98% of the time I don't have to worry too much about bite size and chewing because I have so little in my band. And I don't mean that I take a huge bite, but a reasonable bite with reasonable chewing. I kinda thought I felt a bit tight and should have listened to my brain when it said that. Anyway, I went on my merry way and at dinner time something just didn't sit with me right and something got stuck. I could tell that I was super irritated from this so I spent a day on liquids and a day on mushy to give my tummy a break.

So the moral of the story for me is to LISTEN to myself, but it also shows no matter how far you are out on your journey you can still experience some bumps.

Looks like the Boobs had a lot of fun! I can't wait to see more pictures and you girls looked great in those shirts at the race!!!!

Polar Round Up for last week:

• 8 hours 24 mins
• 4486 cals

You Just Have to Laugh

Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself. Sometimes it even is out loud. I experienced that this morning when I got back from bootcamp and looked in the mirror. I thought, "Man, what's up with my shorts?". Upon further inspection, I figured out that indeed they looked weird...Cause I had put them on and worn them INSIDE OUT!

For a brief second I wondered if anyone noticed, and then I realized I ddin't care. And what good would it have been for anyone to tell me if they did notice? Not like I had a place to switch them around and honestly who cares? I'm there to workout not put on a fashion show. Dang, maturity (a.k.a. getting older) sometimes pays off.

Thanksgiving Day Race?

Here in Dallas there is a 5K and an 8 mile race that takes place on Thanksgiving day. When I first moved to Texas, I had participated in the 8 mile race each year. Then depression, fat, etc. so I stopped. This year I am considering starting up the tradition again. The 5K honestly would not be worth the effort and hassle of going downtown on Thanksgiving where there will be over 40K people in attendance, so it's the 8-mile race or bust.

I asked my hubby if he wanted to do it with me and his response was, "Who will be chasing me? 'Cause that's the only way I'll be going 8 miles." Which I found pretty funny actually. He'll do the 5K though if I decide to do the race.

Why am I hesitant? (1) I'm not really sure what is happening for Thanksgiving yet (did you realize it's about 10 weeks away?? Can you believe it???) and (2) I'm kinda scared. I know I can do it---as in finish, even if I have to walk. I am just worried about a totally pathetic finish time. My "worst" time to date is under 80 mins. And while I know all that matters is finishing, it still makes me hesitant. Honestly, I just need to GET OVER IT!

I'm a bit concerned that my weekly mileage is not really setting me up so well for an 8 mile race because boot camp will remain my focus. So, I might do a 10K in October and see how that goes. Who knows. I'm rambling and at this point no decisions have been made.

I hadn't weighed in a while---maybe not even since I returned from vacation, but the good news is I'm still within my weight range.

Polar Round Up for last week: Whoa - I didn't realize it was this much!

• 7 hours 53 mins
• 4565 cals

My Name is Fluffy and I am a Shoe Whore...

O-M-G, I love shoes. Seriously. Love, love, love. Unfortunately (hubby would say fortunately), I have a weird size foot and normal width shoes are challenging. Luckily I am too cheap to spend hundreds of dollars on a single pair of shoes, but if I win PowerBall watch out people!! (And, I will buy a pair for each and every follower! Don't get too excited, I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning.)

Anyway, I absolutely fell in love with a pair of shoes and they weren't horrendously expensive. So today at lunch, I went and got them. It's hard to tell if they fit well enough because I want them so badly. As long as I don't wear them outside, they can be returned. I brought them home and immediately put them on for a trial run.

OK, no big deal right? Um, well I pretty much work from home, so I threw them on with what I had on for work today. See below...

Oh and I don't have a full length mirror, hence the gymnastics to get a picture. And of course I had to provide a close up so you could have some mighty shoe envy (um yah, my arch is a little high as well, ignore that --- look at the shooooeeee)....oh and have you seen the boots this season???

Recognizing My Behavior

I need to write this down for me so that I can think about it more and come back to it at some point. When I look at the pics that I took in this post - I seriously think I look big. And nope, I am not looking for people to tell me that isn't the case (I'll explain further), but please know that I was sincerely touched by the comments that were left on that post. So, thank-you.

I know that what I am thinking/feeling is pretty illogical really and dysmorphic sounding, but it's true. When I look at my clothes as an object, such as getting them out of the dryer I seriously look at them quite often and think they look super small and wonder if they have shrunk and if I am going to be able to fit in them. And then, when I go to put them on, they fit and I am instantly relieved (uh, isn't that kinda PSYCHO?!). And at times, I look in the mirror -- dressed in these very same clothes -- and think wow you look big. Not really fat per se, but big. Uh, hello? You were just looking at the clothes thinking how small they looked???? (Again, I am red flagging myself here.)

What makes this stranger to me is that when I started this journey I had no aspiration to get to the size I am currently---heck even the weight I currently am. None at all. I was this size in college and figured it was in my past and I was totally fine with that---I was living going forward and not in the past and wanted to be comfortable in my skin and clothes. My real goal was simply to get to a consistent size 8.

So what happened? Hell if I know...HA! In pondering this now, I got to goal and was doing fine, but then I wanted to be fitter. Healthier and stronger---I wanted my chicken arms to have some muscle and strength. I was running and doing other gym workouts, but didn't feel fit. So that was my goal, but as I have worked at it (and frankly enjoyed it - as much as I bitch I realize in off weeks from bootcamp how much I miss it!) it has resulted in additional changes. (Feeling fitter and stronger overall, mus-cles, etc.). Maybe not necessarily a lot of weight loss, maybe further shrinking in size (body shifting as I like to call it)---my theory there increased muscle and decreased body fat, etc., but further changes.And believe me, I am not complaining about that - I am more flagging myself and thinking "What the hell is your problem-o?"

When I was going to a counselor, I got the dysmorphic diagnosis---the you are a whack job and part of your problem is you see yourself no matter what size you are as bigger than you really are. I am using my tools - look at the clothes, take pictures of myself and look at them, etc. but am finding that I am still fighting this demon. This doesn't mean that I am going to try to lose more weight or workout more---cause I'm not. I am just bothered that I am feeling this way---and I think the pictures actually kinda triggered more thinking about it as I feeling sick and blah, the bumps with hubby, etc. which is also adding to my frustration!

Anyway, since I use my blog as a journal of my journey. (HA - say that 10 times fast!) I decided it was important that I put this out here to come back and reread in a couple weeks when I am feeling better and if I can figure out more of what is going on with me. I'm not interested in more counseling. I know the problem, I have the tools, and I recognized and acknowledged what is going on. I was also told that I would likely have it come up now and again and it's expected, but that I am supposed to use the tools and techniques that I learned to manage it. I'm just frustrated is all...and hell, probably worn out too. :)

Bright side: I've acknowleged and recognized the behavior (hell, even journaled!), pulled out my tools, (kicked myself in the ass and slapped myself upside the head), and I am going to keep on keepin' on. It's just part of the journey, right? : )