Friday, September 10, 2010

Recognizing My Behavior

I need to write this down for me so that I can think about it more and come back to it at some point. When I look at the pics that I took in this post - I seriously think I look big. And nope, I am not looking for people to tell me that isn't the case (I'll explain further), but please know that I was sincerely touched by the comments that were left on that post. So, thank-you.

I know that what I am thinking/feeling is pretty illogical really and dysmorphic sounding, but it's true. When I look at my clothes as an object, such as getting them out of the dryer I seriously look at them quite often and think they look super small and wonder if they have shrunk and if I am going to be able to fit in them. And then, when I go to put them on, they fit and I am instantly relieved (uh, isn't that kinda PSYCHO?!). And at times, I look in the mirror -- dressed in these very same clothes -- and think wow you look big. Not really fat per se, but big. Uh, hello? You were just looking at the clothes thinking how small they looked???? (Again, I am red flagging myself here.)

What makes this stranger to me is that when I started this journey I had no aspiration to get to the size I am currently---heck even the weight I currently am. None at all. I was this size in college and figured it was in my past and I was totally fine with that---I was living going forward and not in the past and wanted to be comfortable in my skin and clothes. My real goal was simply to get to a consistent size 8.

So what happened? Hell if I know...HA! In pondering this now, I got to goal and was doing fine, but then I wanted to be fitter. Healthier and stronger---I wanted my chicken arms to have some muscle and strength. I was running and doing other gym workouts, but didn't feel fit. So that was my goal, but as I have worked at it (and frankly enjoyed it - as much as I bitch I realize in off weeks from bootcamp how much I miss it!) it has resulted in additional changes. (Feeling fitter and stronger overall, mus-cles, etc.). Maybe not necessarily a lot of weight loss, maybe further shrinking in size (body shifting as I like to call it)---my theory there increased muscle and decreased body fat, etc., but further changes.And believe me, I am not complaining about that - I am more flagging myself and thinking "What the hell is your problem-o?"

When I was going to a counselor, I got the dysmorphic diagnosis---the you are a whack job and part of your problem is you see yourself no matter what size you are as bigger than you really are. I am using my tools - look at the clothes, take pictures of myself and look at them, etc. but am finding that I am still fighting this demon. This doesn't mean that I am going to try to lose more weight or workout more---cause I'm not. I am just bothered that I am feeling this way---and I think the pictures actually kinda triggered more thinking about it as I feeling sick and blah, the bumps with hubby, etc. which is also adding to my frustration!

Anyway, since I use my blog as a journal of my journey. (HA - say that 10 times fast!) I decided it was important that I put this out here to come back and reread in a couple weeks when I am feeling better and if I can figure out more of what is going on with me. I'm not interested in more counseling. I know the problem, I have the tools, and I recognized and acknowledged what is going on. I was also told that I would likely have it come up now and again and it's expected, but that I am supposed to use the tools and techniques that I learned to manage it. I'm just frustrated is all...and hell, probably worn out too. :)

Bright side: I've acknowleged and recognized the behavior (hell, even journaled!), pulled out my tools, (kicked myself in the ass and slapped myself upside the head), and I am going to keep on keepin' on. It's just part of the journey, right? : )

1 comment:

-Grace- said...

I think it's understandable after struggling with weight for so long. I am glad you are using the tools you learned and are working through this. Slow and steady, right? :)