Did I do the right thing by getting married? Is it normal for it to feel at times like it's a roller coaster? Did I make a mistake? Would I have been better off without him? I know I love him, but is that enough? I'm not so sure he truly loves me at this point vs. his desire not to fail at being married. (Heaven forbid! What would his parents think?)
When I married him, it was for the long haul for me. I knew there would be ups and downs and disagreements. I felt where I set the bar for success was reasonable and attainable. We had talked about this before we got married and honestly at the time it seemed like we were on the same page.
Strangely, I seem to be finding out that he has a fairy tale view of what being married should be like: always getting along, laughing all the time, etc. He has set the bar so high we cannot achieve it. I am just being realistic. It's life - it's not all this sugar plum Cinderella crap. He has set the bar is too high. It's unrealistic and unattainable. If he is not open to "re-setting" the bar to a realistic level this will not work.
If I have to, I can accept this not working. He will have to make the call though. What I don't like is the roller coaster. Yes, no, yes, no. That and hell I got married at 40. I had a very nice single life before getting married. ALL of that was given up by me. My house, etc. And yes, you could make the same argument for him, but it's honestly not the case. He got the house he wanted (I made a lot of compromises) and guess what? He still has his house from before we are married - it's just rented at the moment. It makes me frustrated and feel unsettled. If this doesn't work, I don't want the house we live in. Yet where the hell do I go? An apartment???? That makes me mad.
Whatever happens, I have always made it through the hard stuff. I will again this time. That's what strong women do. I don't "need" a man. I wanted a partner.
It's been an ugly few days.