Danger...Candy Ahead!

I'm not gonna lie, I LOVE candy. There really isn't one that comes to mind that I don't like, I just may not love it. So Halloween and throughout the holidays can be a bit of a danger zone for me. One piece here, another piece there, ya get the picture.

I have candy every now and then --- sometimes more "now" than "then"! --- but I just can't keep big bowls of it around. I have struggled with whether or not I should do the trick-or-treat thing and have decided not to.

I don't really want to do it. I find it to be a pain in the butt and it falling on a Sunday night just makes it less appealing (and, yep, maybe I'm a scrooge!). And if I did do it, if I am really really honest about it with myself my motivation is to have a few treats myself. Don't get me wrong, a few would be fine, but around a big huge bowl of yumminess it's hard for me to stop at a few...mmmm, candy corn---pure sugar loveliness.

Regarding Comments from My Last Post on "How Much?"
Thanks to each of you that took the time to leave me a comment on the post! Each one made a difference and reassured me that I am not a big weirdo about how I felt.

Ms. Julie - OMG, if I could just SLAP your boss I would!!! First you should be proud and you look fabulous! And, while I would gladly slap your boss, I want to say that I think you are giving him too much credit. Not to man bash (sorry any male readers, stopper bys, lurkers), but I highly doubt he meant it that way. I bet you a zillion dollars that he has NO idea whatsoever that you weigh 175. I bet you he estimates your weight much lower. I don't say this to validate or rationalize what or how he made the comment AT ALL, just that men don't do so well in my experience in that arena. (My husband for one can't believe that I "weigh that much" and I have to kick myself in the butt to translate what he's saying from man speak.)

As for the rest of the people, I wonder if everyone asked those questions because Holy Moly Girlfriend - you have done AWESOME!??? Were they simply fascinated by your success and how the "thing" works? Again, not rationalizing, just another side of it for you to consider. Cause it PAINS me and makes me want to slap all of them that you felt anything but good and proud!!!! (Link to Julie's blog: http://imlosingtheweight.blogspot.com/)

Polar Round Up for the week:

• 5 hours 28 mins
• 3020 calories

Man, You've Lost a Lot of Weight! ... How much?

I ran into an acquaintance from work. "Wow Fluffy, you have lost a lot of weight! How much have you lost?" "Uh, I have thanks. Good to see you, how have you been?"

It's probably some weird insecurity I have, but people asking me how much weight I've lost kinda strikes me as rude. I'm also likely taking it the wrong way as an added bonus. But for non-close friends (my inner circle) to ask me, it makes me uncomfortable. You know it's a lot, so why isn't that enough? Why is the number so important?

I have been at my job for over 16 years. People witnessed my roller coaster ride - thin, not thin, thin, not so thin, fat, not as fat, FATTEST ever, to now. There are a lot of people where I work, so you can go for a year or more without seeing someone that you know. And, don't get me wrong, I understand it's shocking if his or her memory of me is my "before" and it doesn't really bother me if there is an exclamation of "wow, you've lost a lot of weight" or whatever---I think that's a normal, honest reaction as I am kinda like a BL unveiling in that scenario. It's shocking, I get it - just not the "how much?".

I'll dodge it. I'll say quite a bit. I've said a 5th grader. But while I guess I am proud of losing over 100 pounds, I just don't like to advertise it. It's just not me. Am I being a hypocrite since I talk about it on my blog? To me, no. This is my place to put my thoughts, etc. And, one of the original hopes of this blog was that maybe it would help someone else that is either considering or newly banded, so talking about weight and clothing sizes and all that helps me remember and stay true to my journey and potentially others that you can lose the weight you need to by using this tool and making other changes...and, most importantly, maintain the loss 5 years later (and yep, for some reason I am kinda obsessed with this 5 year milestone, but that's another post).

But now that I type this out, I wonder do I think/feel this because of my shyness overall as I get embarrassed when people say anything if I am truly honest about it? Maybe...But in full candor in this meandering post, I also remember when I was about 50 lbs down that I was PISSED that a person in the "inner circle" had not said one dang thing to me. And, if it was someone that had a major weight problem, I'm not so sure I'd mind either. So go figure...Maybe I just need to get over it!

Do people ask you how much weight you have lost? Does it bother you? How do you handle it? Should I be responding differently such as providing "a number"? Should I just shut the hell up and get over it?

My Most Important Rules

I have been thinking for a couple days about what I think are the most important things I do with the band for success. So, this is my list. Some may agree or disagree, but when I think about what I do consistently, this is it:

• Measuring my food. My eyes are unreliable. I need to measure. Some people may say that sounds like a diet, but not sure how that is. It doesn't matter if the food is healthy or not so healthy, I still measure it. 1 cup of whatever total. Most times I finish it, sometimes I don't. If I get hungry later, I have a snack. (And no, I am really not as anal as this sounds, but I can't stress enough how key this is.)
• Eating slowly and consciously. Food needs to have a chance to move out of the pouch. But yet a meal should not last more than 30 minutes (well unless you are at a social event). There is also a Part B to this one - no drinking while eating. I drink all the way up to when I'm eating. Then not while I'm eating and then I try to wait until at least 30 minutes after I finish.
• Eating well most of the time. Essentially the 80/20 rule. If 80% of what I am eating is quality healthy food and 20% isn't, then I'm on track. I really might be more at 90/10 though.
• Moving. Exercise is my friend. Most of us weren't or maybe haven't ever exercised. Muscle (lean body) mass is important. Having more muscle burns more calories and there are other great benefits such as strength, looking more toned, etc. The only way to get more muscle is by exercising and doing strength training. Try lots of stuff. Find something you like!

I fear that the rest of this might be controversial here in blogland, but here goes anyway...

The band shouldn't be "telling me" how much to eat. That's on me. I have to eat the right amount of food. The potential problem with allowing the band to "tell me" is at that point I may actually have eaten too much (or if I have only eaten a few bites and this occurs frequently, my band is not adjusted correctly). I am guessing that I am more sensitive to this because of my own experiences. There was a time that I thought that the band should "tell me". I ended up with a dilated pouch.

It seems that most bandsters now get a fill without fluro. This was not the case for me (the protocol has also changed at the office where I used to get adjustments). So every single time I was adjusted, they saw the "health" of my pouch. My symptoms were not that pronounced and I had a "slight" dilation. I think it would have had to become much worse without the fluoro.

I have pondered why there has been a change in the protocol and the theory I keep coming back to is that when my pouch was dilated that this is technically a complication. It's been diagnosed and I wonder - do they have to report it? Let's be real, this is a business. Statistics are important. If they are having to report it and then "their" patients are having this complication it effects their numbers.

So now they relying on us, the patient, to be open and honest about everything that is going on. Then because of what is said, they might do fluro. But for me, my symptom (mild heartburn---heartburn is not normal) was sporadic, I didn't even think to tell them because from my perspective it was isolated and infrequent. I'm convinced that my dilation would not have been found as quickly as it was without the fluro. I'd encourage anyone that has heartburn to discuss with their doctor/provider and even to consider asking specifically about dilation. Hell, if there's a fluro machine in the office like there is at mine, I'd encourage you to even consider pressing them for a swallow to check it out.

I had my best success when I was adjusted correctly. I was able to eat the "bandster portions" and eat a variety of foods (not necessarily all, but most). I had energy and I was losing weight. It's not a race, but a journey. Enjoy the journey, eat food, learn stuff along the way, make changes, and move more to develop the foundation to make maintenance easier...

And even if you set your mind to "enjoy the journey", it is going to suck at times. It;s just life, so I try to do the best I can and always remember: Change is hard...But oh so worth it!!

Ah-Chooo!

This year my allergies have sucked. The worst they have ever been the entire time I've lived in TX. I swear it's not just me that thinks this year has been bad as many people I know have said the same thing. I am sneezing, coughing, etc. and nothing is working (two kinds of allergy pills - nope; nasal allergy spray - nope; allergy shot - nope). AND, to top that off - no voice for the 2nd time this year. I don't mean it's kinda there - I mean GONE! So, if you find my voice, please let me know and I'll gladly pay you for postage...or you might get more $$$ from my husband to keep it. ; )

And in "go figure, who knew" news: I learned at the doctor last year when I had no voice for an extended period of time that whispering is actually bad for your voice and you should either talk or in my case write things down. Oh and I found that out cause I kept whispering thinking no big deal, well that was a banner no voice time - uh, doctors orders TEN days NO talking period. I wonder where that dry erase board is anyway...

Polar Round Up for the week:

• 5 hours 50 mins 
• 3543 calories

Fat Free

I've mentioned at times about how I'm kicking my own butt when I start saying bad stuff about myself. The nit-picking that I think most women can relate to: I hate this..., I look fat in this..., I feel fat..., etc. It is so ingrained in myself that it takes a conscious effort to stop it. I'm a little better, but let me tell you I still catch myself doing it quite frequently. (This blog has a related post and many others that I can relate to. It's associated with Gr33n Mountain a women's healthy w3ight l0ss program.)

Negativity is also one of the reasons that I put the scale away to weighing once a week and even less now. I was letting that number set the tone of my day---feeling defeated, negative, failure, you name something negative and it was a thought inside my head. I'd also "say" to myself it's OK, but if I'm honest the other crap was really "winning". Now, some weeks I don't weigh at all, I talk myself through it. I've been mostly making healthy food choices, I've been exercising, clothes are fitting no tighter than the week before, etc. This has been helping to break the cycle.

Surprisingly when I did weigh most recently, I was on the low end of my maintenance range. This approach works for me, but it really was an evolution through what I'll refer to as phases in this journey. I have learned something in every one of the phases and have also tweaked my approach as the journey continues.

Do I think there is a "right" way? Definitely not. Each of us much figure out what works for us, but every single one of us must make changes. The "old" way definitely was not working and change was and continues to be required. Change is hard, lasting change is even harder, but I am dug in and going to make these healthy changes permanent....

Shhhhhh...

Don't tell Angela, but she is lovely - inside and out! On top of that, she's also a really smart gal (successful professionally to boot, and no surprise) and a whole heck of a lot of fun!

I think we were both a bit nervous, it's a little weird meeting someone from blogland in person the first time, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? I was definitely glad to have done it. Once we got rolling, we really seemed to just chat away.

Angela knows how to bake, but not how to cook. Having a baking foundation, I am confident that cooking is going to be a piece of cake (HA - couldn't resist) for her. We talked about getting together to cook. Don't get me wrong, I didn't cook a whole bunch either when I was single, but it's a nice option to have and can be fun.

I know that Angela is going to continue her great progress. She's already shrinking out of the pants she had on for lunch!

HA - just saw Angela's post. "Tiny" - that is very weird to hear! But thanks nonetheless Angela!

I'm Excited!

Guess who I am going to meet on Sunday for lunch? The lovely Angela from Repair and Renovation! This will be the first time that I've met a fellow bandster, so I am really looking foward to it. Plus Ms. Angela has been rocking the band and lost like 65 lbs since April! (Check out this post to see what I mean!) So, if you don't follow her, please go over and check out her blog.

Are there any other North Texan WLS Bloggers out there? If so, please let me know!

Polar Round Up for the week:

• 4 hours 21 mins
• 2462 calories

Larry & I...

I have a relationship with Larry. It goes many many years back. If Larry isn't on it, then I'm not eating it! Huh? Wait, aren't you married? (Yes.) Anyone know who Larry is?

He's the dude on the Quak3r 0ats box. Yep, seriously his name is Larry. And yes, Larry is related to this post, because much like my blog which is pink this month, so is Larry!

If you live in the US, unless it's under a rock, you know this month is Breast Cancer Awareness month. So, if you haven't done so, FEEL YOUR BOOBIES! (And this applies to everyone worldwide!).

As I continue to get leaner, my port is starting to bother me...again. Not physically, but cosmetically. At one point, I was going to go see the surgeon about it, but then I found out I'd have to pay for an office visit (self pay and insurance has covered nothing) and decided not to. Man, I found that post. It was 65 bucks and I decided not to go. Kinda funny, but I am pretty sure that I was thinking at the time that the 65 is just a drop in the bucket. Estimated cost was about $2K --- which I think is a lot for a stupid port. Especially when I factor in the risk for infection, etc. Anyway, just something that popped in my head...I seem to recall reading somewhere that they use a different technique for attaching the port now, so hopefully that has reduced this risk for people since.

Texas Fair

I did make it to the fair! Just a few blurbs about it and other thoughts at the end...

Big Tex!

Steer - $101,000. Nope, that's not a typo. Get this, the steer from the Fort Worth Stock Show usually goes for more than this.

Goat - I believe both the sheep and the goat remained for sale. I think goats are cute. I have always said to my husband I want a goat. He thought I was crazy. Then he saw this goat and others and now HE wants a goat. HA!

Pig - OK, this pig was big (and went for $10,000), but there was a pig that was seriously 4x the size of this one. It was kinda gross to me, it was just strangely BIG!

Food - 1/4 of a corn dog with mustard, 1 chicken strip, and about 4 fries. What I had was good, but I had enough. I didn't want anymore fried food EXCEPT the fried cookie dough. I didn't have the cookie dough though because I didn't think it was worth standing in line. I did check out the fried beer. My guess is that it was frozen and then sealed into ravioli pasta --- so, looked like beer filled ravioli to me, but I didn't see anyone eating it. The line for fried frit0 pie was INSANE! Seriously. I saw the battered and fried bacon - honestly, I thought it looked disgusting.

Other thoughts...

• Thanks for the nice compliments on my last post! I didn't plan to take it in a sports bra and when I went to upload the pics is when I noticed it, but said "what the hell". In reading some posts today, I consider this my exposed post. One thing I've been working on is ELIMINATING negative talk about my body. I immediately started picking at the pics and after the first thought in my mind yelled STOP. It's just a habit and a bad one and I'm just not going to do it anymore!
• I am a little pre-occupied with my 5 year (band) anniversary in Novemeber. I guess technically 5 years should be calculated from goal weight vs. banding date, but oh well --- maybe I'll just mark both. It's funny, the first year was a big deal and my recollection is that the others kind of came and went. This one is different. I think it will be the same for 10 years.
• Angela and Nella - Are you guys in North Texas?

Reflections...

On Saturday or Sunday, if I feel like it, I'll go on a jog. I don't count it in my weekly workout time/cals as the intent is for reflection and relaxation. It's one that's just for me.

I go to the same place that I started 5 years ago. It's a lake that has a paved loop around it that also has some incline and decline. It's quite pretty. Filled with geese and ducks and miscellaneous birds with a fountain in the middle. Most of the day, you'll see people there. These people are of all shapes and sizes and ages. The busiest time is the morning and evening when people are, I assuming, getting in their exercise for the day.

I'm one of those people (weirdos?) that will say hello, good morning, good evening, etc. to whomever I pass. I guess it's just a habit that I kinda like and have continued. Today was no different, but for some reason it triggered some thoughts for me today.

Five years ago, I started going around this lake. I started out walking around it once (it's a bit over a mile) and continued from there. I now jog around it easily 3 times in under 30 minutes and have been known to go around it 6 or 7 times. I saw a number of ladies today that don't appear to be as heavy as I was when I started, but nonetheless are not at healthy weights (whoa - hold on - not being mean!) I found myself when I said good morning to these ladies that in my head that hello really meant - please keep going, you can do it, I KNOW you can do it. When roles were reversed, I would see women that seemed to be "whizzing" by and think - "one day that WILL BE me". And today, I realized it was and started to cry. You are your best cheerleader, but I KNOW you can do it.

Happy Thanksgiving to anyone that happens to read this from Canada!

10-10-10 - How cool is that?

Fried Food Capital of Texas!

That's right. I'm off to the State Fair of Texas this weekend and it seriously is referred to as the "Fried Food Capital of Texas" (which is also a registered trademark reference so I don't get in trouble!). So you name it, they fry it. We're not talking Twinkies - that was loooooonnnng ago. I'm talking butter, cookie dough, bacon, cheesecake, etc. (No, I'm not kidding.) This year's winners: Most Creative is Fried Beer and Best Tasting is Fried Frit0$ pie.

I have no idea how the fried beer works - I'll try to find out, but I do know the fried Frit0$ pie is frozen first, dipped in batter, and then fried. And yes, for anyone that is going what the hell? Most are frozen, dipped in batter, and fried. Honestly, it's kinda disgusting to me, but I am fascinated by the whole concept of it. (If you do a search, you can find the website and the food section.)

I might have something, but didn't last time. My favorite thing at the fair is the roasted corn - not a bad thing to have as a favorite!

Polar Round Up for the week:

• 7 hours 58 mins
• 4341 calories

I've got...

Nothing! Seriously - Nada, Nen, Nichts or any other way to say it - that's what I've got. So for a check in I am going to tell you about oatmeal. Yep, oatmeal. Exciting, huh? You can barely stand it? Well, here we go...

Oatmeal is good for you. Lots of reasons - you can find the list if ya wanna on the net or just trust me. I like oatmeal and used to have it in the instant packages in the morning. Well, shockingly it started tasting sweet to me. Too sweet. Weird, but true (don't worry I still LOVE candy). So I needed to come up with a new breakfast "thing", but it was rough and figured out I wanted oatmeal. (I know you can hardly stand the excitement!)

So, I now make my own oatmeal in the microwave. Here's what I do Q*auker Oat$ 1 minute variety. I put 1/2 cup into a 2-cup microwaveable container (it's important it's 2 cups in size at least due to "oat expansion"). 1 cup of unsweentened almond b*reeze (it's nutty and only 80 cals, but you can use milk or water or whatever you want), and a dash of salt. I then put in the microwave for 2 mins. YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT. TRUST ME! It will make a mess if you don't. Usually about 1 min in, it will start expanding and I mix it to kinda deflate it. I continue to monitor it and mix it periodically. I like it at about 2 mins and 15 seconds, but I think there is a dependency to your microwave and also your personal preference.

But it looks so runny!!! Yep, cause it is molten lava at this point! Let it sit for a minute or two and it will be thicker. Depending on my mood, I'll add some dried fruit, cinammon, nuts, or whatever striikes my fancy.

It makes a pretty big serving (1 cup I'd say). Sometimes I eat it all, other times I don't. I just eat what I want and toss the rest. I'm just too lazy to figure out the right ratio to make less and usually there is only a few spoonfuls left. Enjoy!

Five years of blogging...

Go figure, since October of 2005 when I started this blog, they have added new features. I was just flipping around in the tabs and found the Stats page. Pretty interesting! Right off the bat I figured out there were some blogs that I wasn't following and some of them I actually thought I was. I also have everyone added to my Reader.

 

Is there any way to add everyone all at once that follows your blog? Anyone know? I try to go through it now and then, but honestly it's a pain in the butt and I quickly lose my place. (Thanks to all of you that follow my blog.)

 

I'm guessing that if you check the Stats that anything that is coming from Reader isn't registering, so please know that I'm reading your blog. If you happen to see I am not a follower on your page and would like me to follow yours "officially", please just let me know.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if Reader will automatically update with anyone that follows me but isn't already on the list? Sure would be nice if the two things worked seamlessly together!

 

In honor of the 5 years of my blog, I've gone through and listed all the followers blogs below. For some of you, you didn't have a link and I couldn't figure it out - (please provide it to me if you don't mind!)

 

You KNOW you want more blogs to follow! Get to gettin'!

Polar Roud Up for this week (Doubt I'll workout this weekend, if I do, then bonus. Numbers are lower because I just didn't work out as much. Weight: within range.)

• 5 hours 55 mins
• 2953 calories

Blogs to follow:

 

http://bandedconundrum.blogspot.com/
http://islandbandit.blogspot.com/
http://nellaskinnybitch.blogspot.com/
http://dinnerland.blogspot.com/
http://gettingmyskinnyon.blogspot.com/
http://gwens-wls-journey.blogspot.com/
http://lisetheloser.com/
http://www.girlmeetsband.blogspot.com/
http://myluckylapband.blogspot.com/
http://lapbandgalsjourney.blogspot.com/
http://justmeandmyband.blogspot.com/
http://bandmeimready.blogspot.com/
http://banded4me.blogspot.com/
http://mybigfatbandgeeklife.blogspot.com/
http://metamorphicjourney.blogspot.com/
http://sistersbandedtogether.blogspot.com/
http://db1119.blogspot.com/
http://iamsweetpea-seckert08.blogspot.com/
http://jennyr1222.blogspot.com/
http://byebyebiscuits.blogspot.com/
http://secretdiaryofabandgirl.blogspot.com/
http://sparklersstory.blogspot.com/
http://www.jenisgonnaloseit.com/
http://losingweightgainingtons.blogspot.com/
http://nwanonymom.blogspot.com/
http://graces-fat-chance.blogspot.com/
http://bandgroupiethesweetspot.blogspot.com/
http://andjustwhowereyouexpecting.blogspot.com/
http://girlmeetsband.blogspot.com/
http://lifeisgood1966.blogspot.com/
http://abrandnewroo.blogspot.com/
http://sosamalicious.blogspot.com/
http://skinnieminniebrisbane.blogspot.com/
http://jodyvworld.blogspot.com/
http://thelongroadtothenewme.blogspot.com/
http://slimmingcindy.blogspot.com/
http://jenniferx-journeytohealth.blogspot.com/
http://scrummybits.blogspot.com/
http://angiandthelapband.blogspot.com/
http://daggs2shaggs.blogspot.com/
http://downsizemystomach.blogspot.com/
http://bridgetparker.blogspot.com/
http://zenaharford.blogspot.com/
http://mylapbandblog.blogspot.com/

The Reluctant Commenter

This morning I officially diagnosed myself - yes, on the Internet - with Comment Reluctance. I read a zillion blogs, which really is only a bit of an exaggeration, through reader. I'll read posts and think: I've felt that, I had that struggle, Oooo - I found this worked, heck - I'd probably try this, wow - that's impressive, hey - look how far s/he has come, etc. etc. And you know what? I am reluctant to post a comment. Seriously.

I start thinking - who cares what I have to say, what if I offend s/he, what if I come off as a "know-it-all", does a one word comment really matter, the dreaded - will s/he think I am only posting to get a follower? etc. Well, today I am officially OVER IT! I realized this morning while reading Michelle's post on her blog that it's great she is really liking exercise and that I had a couple ideas she could try for the mild heartburn she is having and you know what? I put them in her comments. I realized that if nothing else she'll know I'm reading and she might: feel good as a result of getting a comment or even find a nugget of info to try out.

My thinking is pretty stupid really. Especially when one of the things I have said in my blog is that five years ago when I was banded there were very few blogs and the blogs were from people starting out like me. So, I'm kinda proliferating that in a way if I am thinking "stuff", but keeping in the shadows and not sharing my perspective/thoughts.

I am a work in progress as there unfortunately is no magic pill, but I'm going to work on putting the reluctance aside and assuming that when I do comment that the reader knows that even if the comment lacks eloquence that I have commented out of the best of intent: to help, share knowledge, and support.

BTW - (1) If you don't follow Michelle, go ahead and do so! (2) To each and every one of you that has commented on my blog, THANK YOU for not being a Reluctant Commenter! I do appreciate each and every one of them and the comments are what prompted me to start thinking more about this!

No Matter How Much I Lose...

I am going to look big next to a $martCar. I decided to randomly go into someone's garage and have my husband snap a picture of me next to it. Believe me??? OK, me either, but that's my new car!

Working from home has greatly reduced how much I drive. It was time for a new car, but I couldn't think of anything and why spend a bunch of money on a car that sits in the garage? I had to have something though that I wasn't going to be pissed driving. I drive a nice car now and if I switched to a cheap one that wasn't cute/fun to me I knew I was going to be pissed off every time I got in it. I know pretty stupid, but I had to be honest about it for my sake and his. This car pretty much cracks me up. That's a good thing. Everytime I go to get into it I smile! What more do you need?

Fake TOTM

So, I have fake periods. I can't really remember if I ever blogged about this. But since I had my hysterectomy (kept ovaries), I have what I call a fake period. At first I thought it was in my mind, but it seemed to keep happening and my doctor confirmed it during my last checkup. Which reminds me I am supposed to be taking primrose oil daily. I suck at daily stuff, but probably should reconsider because of what follows...

I am band lazy. I eat band portions, but 98% of the time I don't have to worry too much about bite size and chewing because I have so little in my band. And I don't mean that I take a huge bite, but a reasonable bite with reasonable chewing. I kinda thought I felt a bit tight and should have listened to my brain when it said that. Anyway, I went on my merry way and at dinner time something just didn't sit with me right and something got stuck. I could tell that I was super irritated from this so I spent a day on liquids and a day on mushy to give my tummy a break.

So the moral of the story for me is to LISTEN to myself, but it also shows no matter how far you are out on your journey you can still experience some bumps.

Looks like the Boobs had a lot of fun! I can't wait to see more pictures and you girls looked great in those shirts at the race!!!!

Polar Round Up for last week:

• 8 hours 24 mins
• 4486 cals

You Just Have to Laugh

Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself. Sometimes it even is out loud. I experienced that this morning when I got back from bootcamp and looked in the mirror. I thought, "Man, what's up with my shorts?". Upon further inspection, I figured out that indeed they looked weird...Cause I had put them on and worn them INSIDE OUT!

For a brief second I wondered if anyone noticed, and then I realized I ddin't care. And what good would it have been for anyone to tell me if they did notice? Not like I had a place to switch them around and honestly who cares? I'm there to workout not put on a fashion show. Dang, maturity (a.k.a. getting older) sometimes pays off.

Thanksgiving Day Race?

Here in Dallas there is a 5K and an 8 mile race that takes place on Thanksgiving day. When I first moved to Texas, I had participated in the 8 mile race each year. Then depression, fat, etc. so I stopped. This year I am considering starting up the tradition again. The 5K honestly would not be worth the effort and hassle of going downtown on Thanksgiving where there will be over 40K people in attendance, so it's the 8-mile race or bust.

I asked my hubby if he wanted to do it with me and his response was, "Who will be chasing me? 'Cause that's the only way I'll be going 8 miles." Which I found pretty funny actually. He'll do the 5K though if I decide to do the race.

Why am I hesitant? (1) I'm not really sure what is happening for Thanksgiving yet (did you realize it's about 10 weeks away?? Can you believe it???) and (2) I'm kinda scared. I know I can do it---as in finish, even if I have to walk. I am just worried about a totally pathetic finish time. My "worst" time to date is under 80 mins. And while I know all that matters is finishing, it still makes me hesitant. Honestly, I just need to GET OVER IT!

I'm a bit concerned that my weekly mileage is not really setting me up so well for an 8 mile race because boot camp will remain my focus. So, I might do a 10K in October and see how that goes. Who knows. I'm rambling and at this point no decisions have been made.

I hadn't weighed in a while---maybe not even since I returned from vacation, but the good news is I'm still within my weight range.

Polar Round Up for last week: Whoa - I didn't realize it was this much!

• 7 hours 53 mins
• 4565 cals

My Name is Fluffy and I am a Shoe Whore...

O-M-G, I love shoes. Seriously. Love, love, love. Unfortunately (hubby would say fortunately), I have a weird size foot and normal width shoes are challenging. Luckily I am too cheap to spend hundreds of dollars on a single pair of shoes, but if I win PowerBall watch out people!! (And, I will buy a pair for each and every follower! Don't get too excited, I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning.)

Anyway, I absolutely fell in love with a pair of shoes and they weren't horrendously expensive. So today at lunch, I went and got them. It's hard to tell if they fit well enough because I want them so badly. As long as I don't wear them outside, they can be returned. I brought them home and immediately put them on for a trial run.

OK, no big deal right? Um, well I pretty much work from home, so I threw them on with what I had on for work today. See below...

Oh and I don't have a full length mirror, hence the gymnastics to get a picture. And of course I had to provide a close up so you could have some mighty shoe envy (um yah, my arch is a little high as well, ignore that --- look at the shooooeeee)....oh and have you seen the boots this season???

Recognizing My Behavior

I need to write this down for me so that I can think about it more and come back to it at some point. When I look at the pics that I took in this post - I seriously think I look big. And nope, I am not looking for people to tell me that isn't the case (I'll explain further), but please know that I was sincerely touched by the comments that were left on that post. So, thank-you.

I know that what I am thinking/feeling is pretty illogical really and dysmorphic sounding, but it's true. When I look at my clothes as an object, such as getting them out of the dryer I seriously look at them quite often and think they look super small and wonder if they have shrunk and if I am going to be able to fit in them. And then, when I go to put them on, they fit and I am instantly relieved (uh, isn't that kinda PSYCHO?!). And at times, I look in the mirror -- dressed in these very same clothes -- and think wow you look big. Not really fat per se, but big. Uh, hello? You were just looking at the clothes thinking how small they looked???? (Again, I am red flagging myself here.)

What makes this stranger to me is that when I started this journey I had no aspiration to get to the size I am currently---heck even the weight I currently am. None at all. I was this size in college and figured it was in my past and I was totally fine with that---I was living going forward and not in the past and wanted to be comfortable in my skin and clothes. My real goal was simply to get to a consistent size 8.

So what happened? Hell if I know...HA! In pondering this now, I got to goal and was doing fine, but then I wanted to be fitter. Healthier and stronger---I wanted my chicken arms to have some muscle and strength. I was running and doing other gym workouts, but didn't feel fit. So that was my goal, but as I have worked at it (and frankly enjoyed it - as much as I bitch I realize in off weeks from bootcamp how much I miss it!) it has resulted in additional changes. (Feeling fitter and stronger overall, mus-cles, etc.). Maybe not necessarily a lot of weight loss, maybe further shrinking in size (body shifting as I like to call it)---my theory there increased muscle and decreased body fat, etc., but further changes.And believe me, I am not complaining about that - I am more flagging myself and thinking "What the hell is your problem-o?"

When I was going to a counselor, I got the dysmorphic diagnosis---the you are a whack job and part of your problem is you see yourself no matter what size you are as bigger than you really are. I am using my tools - look at the clothes, take pictures of myself and look at them, etc. but am finding that I am still fighting this demon. This doesn't mean that I am going to try to lose more weight or workout more---cause I'm not. I am just bothered that I am feeling this way---and I think the pictures actually kinda triggered more thinking about it as I feeling sick and blah, the bumps with hubby, etc. which is also adding to my frustration!

Anyway, since I use my blog as a journal of my journey. (HA - say that 10 times fast!) I decided it was important that I put this out here to come back and reread in a couple weeks when I am feeling better and if I can figure out more of what is going on with me. I'm not interested in more counseling. I know the problem, I have the tools, and I recognized and acknowledged what is going on. I was also told that I would likely have it come up now and again and it's expected, but that I am supposed to use the tools and techniques that I learned to manage it. I'm just frustrated is all...and hell, probably worn out too. :)

Bright side: I've acknowleged and recognized the behavior (hell, even journaled!), pulled out my tools, (kicked myself in the ass and slapped myself upside the head), and I am going to keep on keepin' on. It's just part of the journey, right? : )