Fill Up & Trash

For some reason there are two things I really hate doing. They are really quite stupid too! I absolutely hate taking out the garbage and filling the car up with gas. Right now the car needs filling and I was looking at it on the way back from the store - hmmmm, looks like there's enough to get to the gym in the morning and back. So yep, you guessed it. I didn't fill it up. Why is that stupid? Well, I was right next to a filling station! And, reality is I will have to get gas tomorrow. As far as garbage, taking it out sucks. 'Nuff said!

While I absolutely love reading all the blogs - banded and weight loss in general (and way more than I have listed on my blog - I use Google Reader) - I have decided that my blog is B-O-R-I-N-G! That's right, I can admit it. The problem? I am leary of sharing super personal details and therefore my blog remains about being banded. Since I am at goal, there just isn't much to say. Summary: It's hard to maintain and anyone that says otherwise I am saying is L-Y-I-N-G! (Yep, I am having a spelling bee this post.) Don't get me wrong, I have done well with staying in my range, but I will not lie. It takes effort and focus and all that yucky stuff, but DANG IT I am going to continue to maintain. : )

Anyway, I'll continue to keep posting now and then, but I'll make it a minimum of one post a month. So please keep checking in now and then. (It does add to my accountability as weird as that sounds!) I also have some pretty tasty recipes that I need to get out here. For now though - I want to cover some of my favorite sauce/dressing/condiment finds in no particular order.

• Ketchup - I can't have meatloaf without it. Just hate it without. But Ketchup is full of sugar. Ah, but here comes REDUCED Sugar Heinz Ketchup! It's awesome. Tastes exactly like the normal to me and get this FIVE that's right FIVE calories per tablespoon.
• BBQ Sauce - Again, high sugar. There are many times that I just need a little sauce for meat to ensure it isn't too dry. But oh hidden calories! Enter KC Masterpiece Low Calorie Classic Blend Barbecue Sauce. It's awesome! Calories? Forget about it! TEN calories for TWO tablespoons!!
• Mayo - Some things just aren't so good with the light stuff or the fat free stuff. WRONG!!!  Hellman's Low Fat. Man, it tastes exactly like the full fat mayo! 15 calories (1 gram of fat) per tablespoon.
• Salad Dressing - How about ZERO calories and ZERO sugar? Oh sure, you are thinking it tastes like crap. NOPE!!! Maple Grove Farms of Vermont - Sugar Free Balsamic Vinaigrette. It's made with Splenda and it rocks.

I am always on the hunt. If you have a favorite sauce/dressing/condiment, please share!

How many times...

Am I going to start a post and not get it out there? OK, this time it's happening. To ensure that, it is going to be brief and to the point about what has been going on since my last post.

• Happy belated: Thanksgiving, B-day to me, Christmas, and New Year's.
• Moved hubby back to TX. (Packing, cross-country drive, etc.)
• Bought a new house in TX (found, offer, purchase, and closed. It's ours - wow.).
• Prepared "old" house in TX to be put on market.
• "Old" house (TX) is now listed (anyone looking for a really nice house? tee hee)
• Worked out enough to stay within range.
• Have joined the January frenzy at the gym and feeling maybe a little bit re-energized (not going to lie, it's just a little bit!)

Now I am off to catch up on everyone. I am sure it will take days!

Weighed In

I decided to bite the bullet and weigh in last Thursday on my weigh in day. I'm telling you people - the scales just don't make sense. I am going to quit trying to figure it out and just hop on every week and see what it says. (Uh huh, sure I am. HA!)

My weight was 141lbs. Higher than I would have liked - of course. But lower than I expected. I was within my range as an added bonus. Honestly, it was a shock to me. I swear I am not as lean as I was as my clothes fit differently. I don't think this is my imagination either.

Remember a pound of fat WEIGHS the same as a pound of muscle, but that pound of fat takes up more room than that pound of muscle. It's a volume thing. I see people say "muscle weighs more than fat" - not true. A pound of anything weighs the same as a pound of something else, it's just that one "pile" may be bigger than the other. So while my weight is within my range I do think I am *fatter*.

So, what am I going to do about it? Hit the gym. I went 4 times last week and am working toward getting my mileage up and my speed down to where it was before. I look forward to January. I like it when there is a huge influx of people at the gym - many people don't - but I find it somehow motivating....I keep forgetting that this coming week is Christmas. I don't know what it is, but it just doesn't 'seem' like it.

Ah-Ha Moments - Good Read!

So, I have a Kindle (which I love) and I'm an avid reader. So, I troll around a lot just looking and sampling books. I stumbled across a book called: "Secrets of a Former Fat Girl" by Lisa Delaney. I read the free sample and something about the book just grabbed me. So, I bought it and read the book. I had alluded to having some ah-ha moments in my last post and the source of those was reading this book. (I highly recommend it.)

Even though it's intended for those that are on or starting their journey, there's a lot of good stuff here that really made me think. Here's a couple examples (quoted text is from the book):

On weight loss: "The real issue was not "How do I lose weight?" it was "how do I begin to think about myself as someone who can lose weight?" She goes on to talk about she is convinced that it's how you think about yourself and how you carry yourself that leads to being a "former fat girl". Well, my ah-ha here was, "HMMMMMM, I don't think I think of myself as a former fat girl." I think that deep down even now I think that the weight will come back - it's only a matter of time. This is not good and something that I am working on changing. I agree that this "fear" is a defeatist attitude and will eventually lead to failure. Not because I can't do it and keep the weight off, but that I *think* I can't. Interesting stuff for me...

On her birth order: "Sandwiched in the middle was me---the peacekeeper, the please, the good girl, the one who didn't want to make any waves. I craved my parents' approval, but I was uncomfortable being singled out for any reason, good or bad." - WHOA! This struck home with me. I am middle child and good grief this is me. To this day I get uncomfortable being singled out and I am also all of those things that she described.

And this one I had never heard anyone say, but wow is this me. It's about her brothers and how they treated her. "...comments that might have rolled off other kids penetrated my spirit like needles in a cushion." My brothers TERRORIZED me with taunts and teases of "fat", "pig", etc. And guess what? I wasn't. I have always struggled with my weight, but managed to keep it relatively in check until I was hit with major depression (that's somewhere in my blog if interested). But it was nice to hear someone validate this as I seriously just thought it was me and I was 'too sensitive'.

Loved this in regard to her exercise. There are a lot of spots in the book that made me chuckle. I seem to recall that her goal was 3 miles or something. So she's describing a workout and recalls her thoughts at the time: "After all, we've made it through two whole miles. That's like fourteen in the Fat Girl time/space continuum, right?" ---OMG, that is funny isn't it??? Haven't you thought that exact same thing?????

And my new mantra: "It's not an option." Referred to in acronym form: INO. For me that's things like: Exercise = INO; Making good choices most of the time = INO, etc. Meaning exercise is not an option. It is the norm. Meaning it will happen because it is not an option, but a requirement. I plan to work on more detail of my "real" INO list.

Ponder this: "When I think about it now, I wasn't as much putting others before me as I was putting myself last. That might seem like a game of semantics, but it's not. My lack of self-confidence and self-respect made me feel like I didn't deserve to be first." Ah ha?

Another mantra: "How I spend my time is my choice." She goes on to talk about you need to realize that for the most part your "lack of time" for the most point is the result of your own choices and related to the previous blurb about "choosing" to put other people's need above your own. Hmmmmm

There are just so many others! "When in doubt, laugh." "Choose you. Choose you. Choose you."

Consider getting this book. For me, if I get one or two things out of a book it was worth the read. There were wayyyyyy more than that in this book.

Thanks Lisa!

What?!

How can it already be the middle of December? OK, first I didn't hit any of my goals for November. That's right. Not one of them. I'm not proud of it, but I'm also not disappointed. I'm just OK. And, you know what? That's OK!

So, what's been up? We decided that we are going to stop the bi-state thing (yipppeee!) and going to make it Texas. So, since that we have:

• Found a house, put in an offer, and close on it later this month.
• Prepared one house for selling AND put it on the market. (Fingers crossed it sells in a decent amount of time!)and

When I see it like that, it doesn't look like much. But it was a ton of work in a short period of time. I stayed in Texas the entire time working and taking care of the prep work on the house while hubby had to be in the other state and traveling. So my priorities shifted. Between work and cleaning, etc. there just wasn't time to get to the gym. I was tired and stressed. I'm not going to lie, I could have gone and I might have even felt more stress, but I just was not in a place to force myself.

I acknowledged these feelings and said to myself to go to the gym if I want to and if I don't so be it, but that once every item was done on getting the house on the market, no excuses - back to the gym. Today was that day back and I figured I should also get back on track with the blogging while I was at it!

I didn't weigh in the entire time. I just didn't need the added stress. (This would have led to stress about not going to the gym, potentially gaining weight, feeling guilty, beating myself up, etc. etc.) Between sickness and all of this crap, I had not been to the gym in some time. And yep, I feel it. But I was back at it this morning and will be back there again tomorrow. I'll possibly weigh in Thursday, but I might also give myself a 'grace' week as long as I am continuing to eat what I am supposed to. (Note to self: you just need to be in your range. You do not have to be suddenly at the low end or below. Within the range is GOOD and it is your plan.)

I'm reading a good book too. I've had some 'a-ha' moments. I'll have to blog about that another time. Off to catch up on everyone else!

Jumping on the "band" wagon - bandster quiz

1. How long have you been banded? 4 years and 5 days. (OK, I don't really count the days, but it was just 4 years for me and I thought it was kinda funny.
2. What was your highest pre-band weight? / Current weight now? / Total lost to date? 234 lbs / 138.5 lbs / 135.5 lbs
3. What is your best "go-to" food to get in your protein? Any meat that is not overcooked. It does the best job of keeping me full for the longest period of time. Hmmm, ya think that's why they want us to eat it? ;)
4. What is your favorite protein brand/shake? I use low carb Slim Fast - chocolate - in the can. I only use liquid when I have to. For example, had a bad pb experience, tight following hormone patterns, etc.
5. What food do you miss the most now being post-band? None. I can eat anything I want in a small amount. The key is to make 'good' choices most of the time and when the choice isn't the best (and can bypass the band which the yummy stuff usually can) I am sure to watch portions.
6. What is your favorite "mushy" food? Soup, but I've always been a soup freak. When I have it, I make sure that it is either one of those healthy canned ones (Obsessed with Progresso Sante fe Chicken) or I make it myself.
7. What was your worst PB experience? The most recent one is here (a year ago!), but I bet there are others somewhere in my blog.
8. What has been the hardest part of this journey so far for you? Honestly - I think it's all hard. You have to want it and no matter what anyone tells you, you earned your success. The band is not magic. (Maintenance is also hard!)
9. What is your best NSV to date? Hmmmm, there are so many. I'll go with the cliche answer of looking good in my wedding dress.
10. What is your top non-weight goal for your band? Man, this quiz is kinda hard. I can't think of an answer to this---maybe it's just from being at goal for a while.
11. What is your goal weight or size? My goal weight that I set with my surgeon was 149lbs. I stayed there for a while and decided that I wanted to go to 139lbs. I am considering at the beginning of the year when all the weight loss insanity starts to consider seeing if I can get to 134lbs (100 lbs lost and see how that goes). I currently maintain between 138-142 lbs.
12. What band "rule" do you live by (i.e. don't cheat on)? There isn't one because I'd be lying if I said there was. Sometimes I eat more than I should and sometimes I have soda - (alcoholic drink mixer, but I stir it well with a straw to get a good amount of the fizz out)
13. What band "rule" do you not follow as much or aren't so good at? See above.
14. What is your goal "reward"? You know - I didn't set one for myself. Or at least if I did, I forgot and don't recall getting anything. Maybe I should get one NOW! : )
15. What are you most thankful for? All the other band bloggers out there and the comments that are left now and then on my blog. I enjoy reading everyone's journey!

FOUR YEARS!

Wow, I just realized that I missed my four year banding date! It's hard to imagine that it's been that long. Feeling better, but chest crap takes a lot out of you and makes exercise tough - direct path to fits of coughing.

So, I'm not going to hit my workout goal for the month. My attitude is good though - it's oh well, out of my control. Oh, oops - not my posting goal either. : (

I'm within my goal range though (139 lbs), so some good news. Man, I have over 600 entries to read! I'm off to catch up on everyone else.

Sick!

Really bad bad chest cold and sinus infection. All bets are off at this point. Dang it! But I feel like crap and am giving into it. : (

Bad Case...

Of the "I don't wannas". I have now been sitting here reading for two hours dressed in my gym clothes. The problem is that I haven't been to the gym. And, unfortunately just putting on the clothes doesn't count as exercise. Man, what a great thing if it did though!

As of right now, I can't say one way or the other for sure if I will go to the gym today. It may or may not happen, but what I have decided is that I am not going to stress about it. I am using today to 'veg'....heck, I really don't even have anything to post, but at least I can check the box on the daily posting activity for November.

What I need to put in perspective is that I set a goal for 20 workouts for November. It's still reasonable that I will attain it, but it's also reasonable that if I end up close that is (and should be) good enough.

Exercise so far for November:

1 - Off
2 - 65 mins - 4.6 miles
3 - 65 mins - 4.6 miles

4 - 65 mins - 4.8 miles
5 - Off
6 - 65 mins - 5.3 miles
7 - 65 mins - 5.3 miles
8 - ?

In looking at this, I think I should consider a week to start on a Sunday. Therefore, for 'last' week, I totaled 5 hours and 25 minutes of exercise for a distance of 24.6 miles. Back to vegging in my workout clothes!

Do you ever wonder...

if banded people that used to blog, but don't anymore achieved their goals or maintained their loss? I can tell you that I sure do. Many say they are 'too busy with life' or that their life 'no longer revolves around the band'. I'm not sure if I buy into either of those.

Am I busy? Sure, but I was busy before. And, I don't consider that my life ever 'revolved around the band'. I'm not saying that I wasn't focused on my goal, etc., but just like everyone my life is and always has been busy and full.

Maybe I am just being b@tchy this morning and this is a b@tchy post, but I do wonder. I wonder if some *disappear* because they have re-gained. (I hope not as I want everyone to achieve their goal and maintain!) Going back through my blog you can see that I gained something like 12-15lbs at one point. It was a major funk, but I got out of it and learned from it, got focused, setup my weekly weigh in, and my range that I had to stay in.

I'm not saying in any way shape or form that somehow I am 'better' than the people that no longer blog (and good grief, I hope this doesn't read that way), but I can tell you that I get reassurance and motivation from the blogs I read (regardless of whether or not they have a band). The consistent theme that underlies all the blogs when you sit back and think about it is that regardless of how you get healthy getting there and staying there takes a helluva lot of hard work.

I also find that my blog helps me to keep *me* and my *health and wellness* a priority and I like to think that those that have started or are in the midst of their journey are somehow helped by my stumbles and successes along the way. So, while there may be breaks in my blog, I will continue to share my struggles, frustrations, and successes.

To anyone out there that was blogging and isn't anymore: HEY, give us an update! Even if it's once every couple of months, we'd love to hear from you! We hope you have been successful and wish you well, but if you weren't - remember we are also here to help and support you!

Off to the gym!

What is it...

About Broccoli Slaw?!?! Yep, it's my recent addiction. All I do is take the slaw and mix it with Maple Grove Farms of Vermont Fat Free Balsamic dressing. The dressing is super awesome (yes, I am a valley girl tonight)! It has 40 calories for the ENTIRE bottle. Yep, 40 calories. And it tastes great!

Anyway, broccoli slaw in a bowl, add some dressing, and instant healthy salad. The other reason I like it vs. regular salad is that I can't eat much at a time. It keeps well for days. (If you are banded and can't eat broccoli slaw, couple things to consider: Are you chewing enough? If you are, then you can nuke it to essentially steam and soften it, then cool, add dressing, etc.)

Exercise:

• 65 mins - 5.3 miles - 16 more days to go

Accepting Reality

Well, I did NOT get to the gym yesterday. A friend of mine called and she was really down and stressed. She asked me what I was doing and I said nothing - which at the moment was true - and she asked if I wanted to go grab some dinner. Yes, I could have said I need to go to the gym or that I needed to go to the gym first, but she was coming from work. She's a good friend, so I decided to say come over.

Since last night I have thought a lot about this. Working out at varied times wasn't so much of a challenge when I was younger. So what has changed? I have a varied group of friends - sizes and fitness - so, it's not that they 'just don't workout and are unfit'. But what is different in my opinion is that as you get older there is just more 'stuff' going on: more work obligations, spouses, kids, friends with limited time/availability, etc. And, in the end, 'sacrificing' yourself is just the easiest one to go with.

All that being said, I don't feel like I sacrificed to be there for my friend in this case. I did the 'right' thing. But it is just one of many examples of what comes up that gets in the way of me going to the gym. So, I have to accept the reality: if I don't make going to the gym in the morning a priority, it just isn't likely to happen that day. Accept it and move on.

I think there are many other 'realities' that I should take the time to jot down, but right now - I'm heading out the door to the gym! : )

What realities have you had to face on your journey?

Weekly Weigh In

I was pooped last night and thought I'd be able to get up to go to the gym first thing this morning. The alarm went off and I could have forced myself, but I decided that it would likely just carry over to Friday morning. So, after a long discussion in my head about am I *really* tired or am I on 'gym avoidance', the conclusion was truly tired and I slept in.

I WILL be going to the gym later this afternoon though or during Survivor to ensure I get to my 20 workouts for the month.

After candypalooza I decided it was not in my best interest mentally to get on the scale until my 'standard' Thursday weigh in and to just focus on eating right and exercising. The last weigh in I show is from October 21 - I was at the low-end of my range at 138lbs. Today - I'm at 140lbs which is right smack in the middle of my goal range (138lbs - 142lbs). So up two lbs from that last weigh in I show on my blog, but still within my range.

I'm relieved that I am within my range, but still feeling like I am detoxing from all the sugar. My pace has definitely suffered and I need to work on that. When? That'd be later today when I go to the gym! ; )

I love my Keurig!

Early this week, I got a new coffee maker. It's a Keurig Special Edition Gourmet Single Serve Coffee Maker. (How's that for a mouthful?)

Here's their description of it:

The Special Edition Brewing System is our mid-luxury home brewing system that offers a blend of styling and convenient features. The Special Edition features chrome accents, a blue, back lit LCD display and three brew size options.

Programmable features include a Digital Clock, Adjustable Temperature and Auto On/Off. The 48 oz. removable water reservoir holds up to eight cups before refilling and for the removable drip tray allows for easy cleaning and the use of travel mugs.

Here's mine - You put in this thing called a 'k-cup'. It really looks like an oversized creamer container. It has coffee in it, but they also have tea, hot chocolate, chai latte, mocha, etc. Put down the handle, press a button, and voila! There's my coffee.

I used to have an addiction to venti lattes from Starbucks. Then I got married and just had a problem rationalizing spending 4 bucks a day on coffee---the 'my' money vs. 'our' money; please note though he had no problem with it - he's a good husband. I had thought about getting something that would make a latte, but I decided that coffee made more sense and that I could have a Starbucks on special occasions.

This thing will have paid for itself in a month. From that point onward, I will continue to save 100 dollars a month by replacing my Starbucks.

A k-cup works out to $.60 each, but that is not getting them on sale (which you can a lot of the time) or from Sam's. If I get them at Sam's, they go down to $.40 each.

Exercise:

65 mins - 4.8 miles - 17 more days to go.

I am finding that my goal of posting every day is helping me get to the gym. This morning I almost did the 'I'll do it later today' thing to sleep in, which for me never happens, but I had committed to my daily posting and it really did help get me out of bed!

Biggest Loser - OK, for the record, I was not a big Tracey fan. She just bugged me with her wide-eyed 'what do you mean' looks and stuff, but WOW did she look good! I think there are going to be some shocking reveals at the end of this season.

I will not be a statistic!

Well, at least a bad one! I can't remember who's blog it was that posted this (sorry), but he or she (sorry again!) was having the psych evaluation in anticipation of having surgery and one of the things that was brought up was that after 2 years of hitting goal weight that *most* people gain back 20% of the weight that they lost. (Dang, I sure wish I could remember the blog, so I could get it right and ask about it!)

Anyhoo, seeing that has helped me to recommit (the funniest things seem to trigger me) and motivate me to keep on track and within my goal range of 138 - 142 lbs. I have not been on the scale since 'candypalooza' as Thursday is my official weigh in day. I figured I might as well just stick to that and *maybe* I'll luck out and be within range when I weigh in on Thursday. : ) And - note to self - If I am not, I only have MYSELF to blame from candypalooza.

(Yikes, my goal weight was 149lbs. If I gained back 20% of what I lost to get there (85lbs), that would be 17lbs to bring me to: 166lbs! Uh, no way jose.)

So, my immediate goals for November (thanks to all the people that have been posting monthly goals - that also has triggered me!) are as follows:

• Post a blog entry once a day.
• Workout at least 20 days this month (5 days a week).
• Workout a minimum of 60 mins each time.
• On Thanksgiving (November 26), target weight is 138 lbs - low-end of target range.
• Setup a cool virtual route like Julie.

Exercise so far:

• November 1 - uh, none (Not a good start! But Sunday is usually a rest day for me.)
• November 2 - 65 mins (4.6 miles - in anticipation of setting up virtual route.) - 19 workouts to go.
• November 3 - 65 mins (4.6 miles) - 18 workouts to go

Candypalooza!!!

That's right. I started on Friday and kept on eating a TON of frickin' candy through last night. I am still trying to figure out why it turned into such a binge of crap, but once I had all that stupid sugar it just kept on keeping on. I said to myself, "OK, eat it. You can keep on eating in through Sunday night, but you are going to have to live (and accept) with the repercussions."

Whoa, am I feeling it today! I'm also sure it's going to continue for a couple days at least while I detox from all of this. Sugar - as in candy and crap like that - has a double whammy for me as I am hypoglycemic.

So, as far as the why. I'm stressed and missing my hubby. If I am honest, it got to a point where I was medicating how I was really feeling. Oh well, I'm human.

Good news - I did get up and go to the gym today. It would have been really easy to continue 'the funk' and not gone. It's amazing how badly 3-days of crap eating makes me feel! Oh well, the first step in getting back on track completed. Detox has begun!

Halloween..."Before" / "After"

Well, the one in the all black is me in my fat suit Halloween costume. OK, not really, but I seriously couldn't resist. (I have a weird sense of humor.) This is me at 234 lbs.

The other one is me in my Halloween costume from last year (2008). Yep, still camera shy people. I want to keep my anonymity. I am 145 lbs. in this picture. What a difference 89lbs. makes.

I need to take a pic of my 'before' jeans and my 'after' jeans. Now that I think about it, I haven't even put them on since I *had* to wear them. That's kinda weird in a way too.

I'm in a reflection mode at the moment. I can't believe that I am nearly 4 years out. I currently stay within a goal range of 138 - 142 lbs. (Less than even this picture AND the outfit is much looser in the waist and hips.)

So, I'm going to answer my yearly questions. Any questions? Please let me know. Nothing is off limits.

Official weigh in stats:
Height: 5'8"
Starting weight: 234 lbs
Current weight: 138 lbs
Overall loss: 96 lbs
Lbs to goal: 0

Current goal: Maintain between 138 lbs - 142 lbs

BMI: 21.0 - (Normal weight = 18.5-24.9)
Clothing size: 6. Sometimes even a bit loose and end up in a 4.

Shirt: S

How many fills have you had?

• 1st fill – 1.2cc
• 2nd fill – 1.8cc
• 3rd unfill - was just too tight - went to 1.4cc
• 4th unfill - dilated pouch - complete unfill
• 5th fill - .6cc
• I think I went up some from here to about .8cc; then unfill to about .4 cc; then another to .2 cc - that's where I remain. There is .2 cc in my band. It's pretty much empty.
  

Are you going to stay at your current fill level?
Yes.

What are you going to do next?
Work on my "mojo". I need to set some new goals and figure out how to maintain my motivation.

What size clothes are you wearing?
6 pants/dress (sometimes a 4).

Shirt - Small

What do you eat in a typical day?
I always start with weight control quaker instant oatmeal with 1/2 oz of dried blueberries or cherries for breakfast. (Good source of fiber. Keeps me full without being too substantial to feel uncomfortable.) For lunch, pretty much whatever. If I'm tight - which you can tell over time - I'll have something soft. For dinner, I'm loosest then and eat pretty much anything. I pretty much stay away from pasta and bread entirely. When I do eat some, it might be a bit of pasta or crackers---pasta always has a lot of sauce. Dry meat has to have sauce. Chicken breast is tricky some days. Dry meat of any kind is a problem, but as long as what I eat is chewed well and within the amount I am supposed to have - I don't have any issues. (Update: Same answer as last year, but I have added more fruit to my diet.)

Was it worth it?
Yes, it was. I stress though that I would only recommend it as a last resort. I felt I was there. I could get the weight off, but just couldn't keep it out without exercising and watching what I ate ALL the time. Now, I live a life of moderation on everything and the weight stays off. Other than the gain of 15lbs that was totally MY FAULT and choice (via bad choices and not working out) I have remained the same weight or lost a bit. It was worth every penny and I was self-pay. (Update: Keeping this one the same as well. I need to go back and read that post about the 15 lbs.)

Have you had any problems?
Yes. You'll see in the beginning of my blog that shortly after my surgery I swore my stitches in my port popped. Everybody told me no way and not to worry about it. When I went in for my fill, it had. So it is on it's side. I still have not had it fixed, but you can now see a lump from it when my shirt is off and FEEL it. Feeling it is the grossest. I am considering getting it fixed. I have also had some problems with pouch dilation. People being too tight is BAD. The other thing is that your portion size is also very important. It can also lead to stretching of your pouch. Signs? Eating more than you used to and getting heartburn (aka - reflux). (Update: I haven't gotten my port fixed. I might, but I'd rather have some new boobs - lol!)

Have you pb'd?
Yep. When I was too tight, a lot. Now, I pretty much know how and what to eat depending on the tightness of my band. When/if I have problems, it is around my period. I have learned sometimes it is best not to fight it and let it happen. This seems to work for me and then does not lead to repeated pb's or irritation. Be sure to follow your surgeon's instructions for when this occurs. I find that I get very tight (swollen and irritated) and need to follow the instructions. I'll stay on fluids for a number of hours and then depending on how bad it is (believe me you get to where you know) I'll put myself on self-imposed soft foods for a day or two. Usually within a day I am totally back to normal. (Update: I'm not sure, but I'd guess that I've have 2 episodes in the past year.)

What rules do you follow?
Eat slowly. Take small bites. Don't eat first thing in the morning. When I feel full - stop. Don't drink with meals. No soda. That pretty much sums it up. There aren't a lot of them. These are pretty much the standard bandster rules. The latest addition is the first bite rule. I am sure to chew well and make sure it is small. There is some suspicion that not doing this may have contributed to the dilation. Again, no one knows for sure. (See the side.) (Update: Since my band is essentially empty, I focus on good choices and eating the *right* amount. If I eat hard foods like I am supposed to, guess what - full. If not, I have a little snack.)

Do you have loose skin?
Surprisingly, I'd have to say no. I wear a bikini and look pretty damn good for my age. Over time since I hit goal and continued to workout, I'd say that I even look better. Now, that being said, I'd like to have a boob lift. I don't think that has anything to do with the band though. Just age and gravity. Believe it or not, my boobs are THE SAME size they were before banding. (Update: my boobs are smaller. Seriously. I'm essentially the same weight, but I'm smaller - less fat I figure. So, my boobs don't fill the bra cups like they were. Me wanting new boobs is getting higher on the list.)

Do you 'diet'?
I guess most people would say yes. I'd say no. The bottom line whether you have a lapband or not is you have to make good food choices. I roughly follow Weight Watchers that my friend gave me all the scoop on. The daily points with the flex keeps everything in check. I have journaled my food and exercise since I was banded - except for the time that I put on the 15lbs. This is very successful for me. Conscious eating is critical. (No Update)

So what is all this about this 15lbs you gained?
Well, for about 5 or 6 months, I didn't work out, log my food, or make good choices. The good news is that I only gained 15 lbs. In the past, this would have been much worse. I also avoided the scale, so it was my clothes screaming at me that they were tight that woke me up. There were a whole lot of factors that contributed to my not caring - work stress, break up, just not caring - in fact, I think I was in a bit of a depression. Well, I kicked myself in the ass and got things under control. That is what you see referenced in the past 12 weeks or so. In those 12 weeks, with dedication and effort - and following all the rules - I lost 15.5 lbs. (Update - huh, guess this is what happened. It's funny how you forget things and how a blog can help you remember.)

Lack of Payoff?

Thanks for the comment Julie:

"I was just talking to a friend last night about maintaining weight loss. She said the same thing - that it's harder to maintain than to lose. However, she couldn't explain why. What you said about lack of payoff makes a lot of sense. Is there a way to still get that payoff while maintaining?"

I have friends that 'do' Weight Watchers and it seems to be a feeling that many people have at goal. You know how you are losing weight and you are looking at the scale and going, "OMG, I have worked so hard there better be a loss" and then there is? Payoff. The compliments you receive on your journey? Payoff. The milestones you receive? Payoff. The clothes that now fit? Payoff. The smaller sizes? Payoff. The NSVs? Payoff. Etc. etc.

Well, almost 4 years out and over 2 years since I hit (and surpassed) my goal, it's different. You are just 'you'. People are now used to you. You are at goal weight. Your goal is to maintain your current weight and remain in your current clothes. Compliments are few and far between. Heaven forbid you put on weight, cause look out! Then, "Did you notice? So and so is gaining weight."

All of this really is kinda stupid (I recognize that), but it's also the reality. I give myself a pat on the back for staying within my range (138-142) for all this time, but sometimes I just get plain old worn out. And, I am sure people are thinking, "Well, get over yourself, I'd pay money to get where you are." Well, first of all I did pay money to get where I am! OK, I couldn't resist that 'banded humor' as I am self-pay. : )

As we all know - or are learning - the band is not magic. It's work. The band is a tool and nothing more. You can eat around it and do all sorts of things that are going to lead to weight gain (what I refer to as self-sabotage - cause hello? you put a frickin' band around your belly - there has to be some self sabotage there!). I *should* be proud that I have avoided that and I am....well, kinda - ha!

But banded or not, staying at a healthy weight and fit at almost 41 years old is work. Will I continue? Sure I will. But I will have my ups and downs and general bitchiness about what it takes to stay in my range.

Thanks for your post as well "Dinnerland", but it's not so much about having a goal as I have one - to stay within my range - it's just hard to explain. I do think it's feedback and something outside of 'me' that made losing 'easier' vs. maintaining.

How exciting is it to come back to my blog each week to find out that I stayed within my range? To me, not much. I'd much rather read about the people that are losing and making progress (and I do - way to go all of you!!!). I know that sounds stupid as there is this 'you need to do it for you' mantra. I agree 100%. I did this for me. I got to my goal for me. I stay in my range for me. But bottom line - it's hard.

I'll have to think more about it. Like I said, I do think it's a funk, but it's also a valid 'feeling' that I just can't adequately describe and is there, but not really talked about. Counseling anyone? (ha) I think I just need a swift kick in the butt, a 'get over yourself', and keep on keepin' on. But this is what my blog is for, right? To *talk* about the 'stuff' that is really going on inside of me. So that's what I'm doing.

Thanks again to Julie and Dinnerland. I appreciate your feedback and duly noted. I need to figure out how to get the 'payoff'. Overall, I do think I am OK, but thought I'd share a bit about this inner struggle? challenge? whatever you want to term it that is somewhere deep inside of me.

Oh wait, here's the exciting news: I'm within my range as it is weekly weigh-in. And, go figure, low end: 138 lbs. See, not so exciting, huh? : )

Work, work, and wait - more work...

Last week sucked. I wasn't able to workout and I can prove it wasn't 'just an excuse' this time as well. I ended up practically working around the clock Monday - Friday. I slept about 12 hours between Monday night until Friday night (when I got a whopping 6 hours). It couldn't be avoided, but was a stress on me and also my poor hubby.

Not sleeping, stress, not exercising, and not the best eating is likely going to reflect itself on the scale this week. I must focus on it being out of my control and something that doesn't occur very often....*sigh* - I have to tell you that maintaining SUCKS! I've said it before and I'm saying it again. As weird as it sounds, there is this lack of 'payoff' or 'something'. It's hard to explain. If someone out there can relate and explain it better, please do so! (Then again, maybe I am in a big ol' funk from not sleeping, stress, not exercising, and unscheduled weird eating - it's not that I'm eating crap, just that everything is off.)

Testing, testing, 1-2-3?

I have noticed that I have a bad habit. Every now and then I 'test' my band. I think this is a bad practice and something I need to stop doing. It's not good overall as it can lead to PB'ing and/or pouch stretching (dilation) - both bad things overall. Therefore, going forward I will not test my band anymore. I will remember:

• The band is in there and it is doing it's job.
• There are days that I have more tightness (restriction) than others. My personal experience and opinion is that this has to do with 'lovely' woman hormones.
• I need to eat what I am supposed to and also the amount that I am supposed to period. If I do, then I'm done. I will and can (giving myself permission) to eat more later if needed.
• Eating too slow is as bad as eating too fast. I can't remember the 'eating time' that I was given, but I think it was 20 mins max.
• Am I really hungry or am I emotional? Do my test - do I want something good for me or crap? If crap, not hungry period.
• If I HAVE to have crap. Then make it a portion-controlled conscious decision.

What brought this up? I've just been reflecting on my journey and what I can do to further my long-term success since I am almost FOUR years out. Wow! I can't believe it has been that long. Some people may say, "Well, maybe you need a fill?" My response to that is no. (See this post.) When I have gained weight, the honest answer is cause I have been eating CRAP and a lot of times compounding that by not exercising. Getting a fill, in my opinion, is not an appropriate response. The behavior needs to be corrected. Am I hungry sometimes? Sure, but sometimes it is head hunger and other times it is 'real' hunger. When it's real, I have a small snack and it passes. Good enough I say. : )

The scale is whacko right now. I am still within my range, but yesterday (official weigh in) it said 141lbs and today it said 138lbs???? Nope, I'm not weighing every day, but I was just curious this morning as I have been diligent for the past couple of weeks on both eating and exercising and expected that I would see a lower weight. (Oh wait, don't we all??? (ha))

The increased diligence has been greatly caused by my hubby going around saying he was 'fat' (which he's not) and his decision to exercise more and eat better. Nothing but a good thing for me! BTW - boys SUCK! He has lost SEVEN pounds. That's right people, 7 frickin' pounds by a few dietary changes and exercise in two weeks. Venting now: and my results? Uh, nothing!!!!! : )