Life & Stuff

While my life isn't really "a dashing and bold adventure" (shocking, I know!) the last two weeks have been very hectic for me---work, my husband's work obligations, social obligtations...just stuff. I was able to get in 3 bootcamps last week, but it looks like it will only be 2 this week. I'm not sweating it (obviously - ha), but it does put me a bit off kilter eating and stress wise. This weekend is our wedding anniversary, so we're trying to figure out what we are going to do for that. I'm planning to get back into my normal routine next week---including posting. Life happens, right? Until then, I want to wish everyone a happy:

Canada Day

Creative Ice Cream Flavors Day

International Joke Day
I Forgot Day
World UFO Day
Build A Scarecrow Day - first Sunday in month
Compliment Your Mirror Day
Disobedience Day
Stay out of the Sun Day
Independence Day (U.S.)
National Country Music Day
Sidewalk Egg Frying Day

(These are all holidays between July 1-4 that I found listed on the internet. That has to make them real, right?)

Not Mo Jo, but Mojito

It all started with one really good mojito. (ok maybe it was two)

Who doesn't want a couple pygmy goats? (You can't have just one, they get lonely.) I figure we can house and crate train them to get around the home owner's association and the city oridinance that they are farm animals and not allowed. Who'd be the wiser right? Check these two out and you'll see why I want them.

You want one, I mean two, now don't you? Before you think I've lost my mind. Here's what my husband wants:

I don't know what his deal is with big dogs. The bigger the better in his book. We've been trying to come up with a dog we can both agree on, but we haven't landed on one yet. We did take a trip to a breeder to see some labradoodles here in TX.

Awwwwww, right? Too bad they don't stay that size. Needless to say, no goats or a puppy were purchased. We're sticking with the wild kingdom in the backyard for now.

And you thought this wasn't band related? I have a new slogan I'm a B.A.D.E, pronunciation - bad eeee. What is it? Bandster Against Drinking and Eating of course! (Yah, I blame it on the mojitos too)

Do your part! Become a B.A.D.E today! Don't drink & eat!!!

(and yah, don't drink and drive either)

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Thanks for all the great comments on "motivation"! Look at what Banded Bella said "...Motivation, to me is a mind over matter thing....when you stop minding it ceases to matter. We should always mind gaining weight or not exercising so that it always matters." I think that's great. Thanks Bella!
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Motivation Comment

LapBand Gal, I am now your official stalker. I tried 8,234,123 times to get my comment on your blog post on motivation with no luck. No joke - check your stats!. Lots of blogs have been discussing motivation in addition to LabBand Gal. Finding it, keeping it, losing it, etc., so I thought I'd chime in.

Motivation is a philisophical thing for me. It's like: Which came first the chicken or the egg? Or, do you get wetter running or walking the same distance in the rain? (Think about that one. It will drive you crazy debating with yourself! OK, it does me.)

Motivation is something that ebbs and flows for me. In various posts you will see references to "funks", "slumpville" and "sloth". A component of these for me is just plain ol' lack of motivation. What happens? Life. There's just ups and downs in life and I don't think that it's realistic to always be "on" or motivated. And, I also think that's alright. At least for me it is. ; )

But let's talk about motivation and exercise. I workout my fair share. Do I always want to? Nope. In fact, I have determined that I hate running in the Texas heat. Yep, me no likey. So I'm not doing it. I'll run when I feel like it (believe me there's a ton in bootcamp, so I'm not missing out) and pick it up again with the longer distances when it's cooler.

So what do I do when I'm lacking motivation? I take the: just do it, put my big girl panties on, I'll feel better after I do it, pull myself up by my bootstraps, fake it until I make it, get your ass out there, suck it up buttercup, whine a little (or a lot), there is no valid excuse approach. It's a million dollar question in my book that doesn't have just one answer and varies from person to person....hmmm, sounds like something else, huh?
(weight loss, banding, etc.)

Ultimately for me, motivation is like what I choose to eat. It's the law of averages. I need more days of motivation and healthy eating than days that aren't. Balancing the teeter totter that way (ooooo, another cheesy graphic!) has kept me at a steady goal weight for over 3.5 years.

This isn't a diet. Behavior modifications such as exercise and what I choose to eat are not temporary and to me that's what sets this journey apart from a diet. These life changes are never done and they have to continue. I refuse to have wasted my money, time, and effort...and most annoyingly for me personally to be a statistic that supports the "WLS surgery doesn't work" camp.

Why yes, I was going to put this entire thing in LapBand Girl's Comments. ; )

Flashbacks to a few posts

Today is a new day! Thanks for the nice comments yesterday.

When I get an email from someone that is considering or new to banding, there are a few posts that I suggest checking out on my blog. I thought I'd point them out as they are buried in the postings at this point and there are quite a few new followers (Thanks!).

Of course, these are my thoughts and opinions. You should always follow the guidance of your doctor or ask questions of him/her, but if you have a question and want an opinion, please let me know!

• My thoughts on protein and some other opinions
• Restriction
• Golden(?) rules

Weekly Round Up

• 6 bootcamps
• Calories: 3620

Acknowledging and moving on...

My husband is very squishy on the inside. While he may not always know how to express himself well, he is very sensitive and kind hearted---one of the things I cherish most about him. Most people don't know this or see this because of his profession, experiences, etc. and I think at times misinterpret his reactions because he tends to go inside himself when he's hurt or sad.

Yesterday he put off calling his dad to wish him a happy father's day. He loves his dad - very much in fact - but there have been many times that his dad has hurt him with his words and he doesn't know which dad is going to answer the phone. Unfortunately yesterday was one of those days that something was said that hurt my husband. Needless to say when this happens, I get pissed. I try to take the high road and provide the other perspective (his dad is joking, didn't mean it that way, etc.). Problem was, this time I was also hurt by what was said.

I was too shocked by what happened at the time to recall exactly what my husband said his dad said, but he said something to the effect of I guess I'll never have to get you a card for father's day. I had heard my husband say during the call some reference to there being plenty of children to adopt, but didn't know how that surfaced at the time, so this was the missing piece.

Anyway, I had cancer. Repeatedly I tried to address it without having a hysterectomy. But it just wasn't working. Living 90 days to 90 days with some it's clear reports to be followed by "it's back" was taking a toll on me after nearly two years, so I made the decision to solve the problem entirely by having a hysterectomy. Plus, my doctor at this point wasn't even sure if I continued down the current treatment path if I could carry a child. I was not married to my husband at the time, but we were dating again. It's funny how when I was choosing not to have a kid became so different than when the choice was made for me. It took my power away I guess.

Prior to marrying my husband, we had a long discussion about "You know I cannot have children. It's not a possibility. You are giving up having a child of your own." My husband said at the time that he didn't want children and if that changed we could consider adopting. I brought up that I was concerned that HIS clock hadn't really set off yet and wanted him to know that if he changed his mind that I would be willing to adopt. So, it's out there and we both know it's an option. One that we may or may not choose to pursue. Right now neither of us knows.

What I do know is that I'm just very upset today. Upset that was said to my husband by his father (I think my husband took it as a criticism and that somehow he has failed or disappointed his father). Upset that he may be missing having a child of his own because of me. Upset that I don't have a choice anymore to decide whether or not I want to have a child. We talked about it quite a bit yesterday, but while I was pissed and upset at the time, I was so concerned about my husband that I didn't realize just how upset I really was. Today I do. It sucks. But I also know that I am cancer free, I haven't let him down, and there are other options...and, I haven't been eating my feelings. I will allow myself to continue to be upset today, but tomorrow I will move forward.

Milestone & That's what BFFs are for?

Milestone

I realized, fluke really, that my last post was my 500th! It's hard to believe that my first post was October 9, 2005. In so many ways it seems like it was just yesterday and in other ways not. Well, here's to the next 500 posts and thanks to each and every one of you that take the time to read and comment!

My BFF

So my BFF found a picture of me. She thought it was just sooooo hilarious that she HAD to send it immediately. The email subject:: "Who the hell IS THIS???"

It's funny to hear her say that she didn't realize how big I was until I wasn't anymore. Since she sees me often, it was a strange kinda thing. She really didn't notice my weightloss until I had lost a lot and it really didn't hit her how fat I was until she saw me in past pictures. (She actually met me when I was thin.) Since then she'll come across pictures now and then and freaks out. It's pretty funny actually.

The picture was a bit small, but I did my best to do a side by side comparison. I can tell you this though that t-shirt in the original picture is a man's XL and I also fill out nicely(?) the XL loose fit (supposed to be) elastic waist capri sweat pants I had on. The other side XS and size either 2 or 4 pants.

 

Weekly Round Up

• 4 bootcamps
• Calories: 2687

Banging = Stomp = Husband

My husband likes to bang on things...pretty much constantly. Oh, it's not annoying at all (HA), but I have to say he does have some rhythmic skills. Thankfully the drum set is still not setup for him to add that to his banging routine.

I saw Stomp several years ago, but knew he hadn't and they had made changes to the show since I went. So we went over the weekend. After the show he said we should go to these more often and I was thinking in my head whether or not I can see him enjoying a full on musical. I think he's more Stomp, Cirque, Lion King, but who knows. We might just have to try it!

Weekly Round Up

• 4 bootcamps
• Calories: 2687

Fear

First and foremost, thanks for the nice comments on my picture on my last post. Please know that I am not trying to diminish or seek additional comments, but want to write about how I am feeling since that post.

Surprisingly, I felt fine in my bikini in Mexico, but I seriously would have felt like I had made no progress if I felt otherwise when I didn't know anyone there other than my husband. But having the picture on my blog makes me feel insecure and uncomfortable. I don't know, it just does. I know it is there and I feel naked. Which sounds stupid when I remind myself this blog is anonymous. I knew the post was outside of my comfort zone, but I decided to do it anyway because I used to look like this:

And it sure would have been helpful to know that getting from that to where I am today was a possibility back in 2005 when I was seeking people that already had a band. So, I will focus on the good things about doing the post that I need to remember:

• The comment on my paleness is a true feeling I was experiencing in Mexico (albeit a negative one, but  that I successfully told myself to get over and I did), but it wasn't about my body in the bikini really. This was a step forward for me.
• I also edited from that post some negative comments about the photo itself. The negative comments flowed from my brain to fingers so quickly that I didn't even notice them until I reread the post before publishing. But I did call myself on it and deleted them.
• Reality is that my body is not perfect and I need to try and stay on the side of the teeter totter that my imperfections are OK more so than not. My goal was to get healthy and at the end of the day I need to remind myself (give myself a good kick in the a$$) that I surpassed what I had originally hoped by a long shot. And frankly, my surgeon put 85lbs as my stretch goal and I landed at 107.
• That chair - see how I filled it up so nicely? I take about half that amount of space now.

So the work continues on this journey...

GOOOOOOO MAVS!!!!

Vacation Bullets

• It was the first week of the "rainy season". I was a bit scared and the forecast showed rain. Whew, we had awesome weather! It started pouring on the last day when we were getting ready to leave, but that made leaving easier. ; )
• We didn't have an agenda. We went to bed when we wanted, got up when we wanted, and ate when we wanted. It was perfect and just what I needed. I was pretty sad Sunday night that I had to return to the "real" world and am looking forward to going somewhere again.
• I didn't workout on my vacation. I did some active "stuff", but nothing strenuous. I just didn't wanna and that's OK. Regardless, last week I still got in 4 bootcamps for 2690 calories.
• It felt like I ate a lot, but I think it was more so that I wasn't as active as I normally am and felt a bit slothlike. I mentioned how much I ate toward the end of the trip to my husband and he busted out laughing. He said he was amazed at how little I ate. Funny how it's all perspective.
• The pool was deep everywhere -- 5.5" for the most part. Which wasn't over my head, but I don't know how to swim (hangs head in shame). My husband who swims like a fish towed me around the pool the first day. The second day we stopped by one of the shops and I got a kids floaty ring. It was big enough that I thought I could hold onto it or lay across it. I didn't think there was anyway I could fit in the center. Imagine my surprise when that floaty fit around me! seriously shocked
• I have some pictures, but I haven't messed with them and I think they are mainly scenery pictures anyway. I wore my bikinis to the pool and little dresses/skirts the rest of the time. I felt a little bit self conscious when we got to the pool the first time, but honestly it is because I am so pale. Which I told myself is STUPID. While I wish there was something I could do about it, there isn't. So I just got over myself! (Me and sunscreen are tight!)

Non-Vacation Related, but I just can't help myself...

• Weinergate - *gigglesnort* - I didn't believe him from the get go. There has always been something about him that has always made me feel "oogie" as a woman. Personally: Resign already dude. You only did what you had to do (no "responsibility" was taken in my book). You were caught in the act and are now trying to do a mea culpa and get away with it. And, for me the basis is not so much because you're a slime ball, but because you LIED and frankly you're an idiot for doing what you did and thinking that you could get away with it. (Oh, and honey, please at least separate from him.)
• The bachel0rette. Yes, I watch it (hanging head in shame, again!), but there's really nothing else on. I find her to be very insecure, but found the most recent episode to be even more cringe worthy. There is NO way they didn't know what a slime ball that bentley character was, but it's all about the ratings. The things he said - HARSH! It will make for a good reunion at the end though I'm sure.