Thursday, June 09, 2011

Fear

First and foremost, thanks for the nice comments on my picture on my last post. Please know that I am not trying to diminish or seek additional comments, but want to write about how I am feeling since that post.

Surprisingly, I felt fine in my bikini in Mexico, but I seriously would have felt like I had made no progress if I felt otherwise when I didn't know anyone there other than my husband. But having the picture on my blog makes me feel insecure and uncomfortable. I don't know, it just does. I know it is there and I feel naked. Which sounds stupid when I remind myself this blog is anonymous. I knew the post was outside of my comfort zone, but I decided to do it anyway because I used to look like this:

And it sure would have been helpful to know that getting from that to where I am today was a possibility back in 2005 when I was seeking people that already had a band. So, I will focus on the good things about doing the post that I need to remember:
  • The comment on my paleness is a true feeling I was experiencing in Mexico (albeit a negative one, but  that I successfully told myself to get over and I did), but it wasn't about my body in the bikini really. This was a step forward for me.
  • I also edited from that post some negative comments about the photo itself. The negative comments flowed from my brain to fingers so quickly that I didn't even notice them until I reread the post before publishing. But I did call myself on it and deleted them.
  • Reality is that my body is not perfect and I need to try and stay on the side of the teeter totter that my imperfections are OK more so than not. My goal was to get healthy and at the end of the day I need to remind myself (give myself a good kick in the a$$) that I surpassed what I had originally hoped by a long shot. And frankly, my surgeon put 85lbs as my stretch goal and I landed at 107.
  • That chair - see how I filled it up so nicely? I take about half that amount of space now.
So the work continues on this journey...

GOOOOOOO MAVS!!!!

5 comments:

julie said...

I never would have thought, back when I weighed 350 lbs, that I could ever be unhappy with a 170-lb body. I tell myself that if I could just get rid of the excess skin that is around my stomach, hips, arms, thighs, and breast, that I would be okay, but would I? Won't there always be things we could correct about our bodies, things that no super model would ever sport, but that every other woman in the world has? It's good to see where we were and how far we've come in our goal to be healthy...NOT perfect!

As always, you always write about things I need to read to help me in my journey. Thank you!

Ronnie said...

Being kind to ourselves is something we'll probably struggle with for the rest of our lives. I think the fact that you realized what you were saying and then edited to reflect that shows alot. :)

Darlin1 said...

Good for you.....it is the journey....right?

MandaPanda said...

Dumb question. What is a MAV?

Good for you for moving past your insecurities and not only talking yourself into wearing the bikini but being brave enough to post the picture. You look fabulous!

Beth Ann said...

Thank you for sharing your feelings on this. Knowing that these types of feelings don't just go away with weight loss helps those of us that aren't at goal yet prepare ourselves. We look to you pioneers for guidance. :)

Go Mavs!!!!