Monday, June 20, 2011

Acknowledging and moving on...

My husband is very squishy on the inside. While he may not always know how to express himself well, he is very sensitive and kind hearted---one of the things I cherish most about him. Most people don't know this or see this because of his profession, experiences, etc. and I think at times misinterpret his reactions because he tends to go inside himself when he's hurt or sad.

Yesterday he put off calling his dad to wish him a happy father's day. He loves his dad - very much in fact - but there have been many times that his dad has hurt him with his words and he doesn't know which dad is going to answer the phone. Unfortunately yesterday was one of those days that something was said that hurt my husband. Needless to say when this happens, I get pissed. I try to take the high road and provide the other perspective (his dad is joking, didn't mean it that way, etc.). Problem was, this time I was also hurt by what was said.

I was too shocked by what happened at the time to recall exactly what my husband said his dad said, but he said something to the effect of I guess I'll never have to get you a card for father's day. I had heard my husband say during the call some reference to there being plenty of children to adopt, but didn't know how that surfaced at the time, so this was the missing piece.

Anyway, I had cancer. Repeatedly I tried to address it without having a hysterectomy. But it just wasn't working. Living 90 days to 90 days with some it's clear reports to be followed by "it's back" was taking a toll on me after nearly two years, so I made the decision to solve the problem entirely by having a hysterectomy. Plus, my doctor at this point wasn't even sure if I continued down the current treatment path if I could carry a child. I was not married to my husband at the time, but we were dating again. It's funny how when I was choosing not to have a kid became so different than when the choice was made for me. It took my power away I guess.

Prior to marrying my husband, we had a long discussion about "You know I cannot have children. It's not a possibility. You are giving up having a child of your own." My husband said at the time that he didn't want children and if that changed we could consider adopting. I brought up that I was concerned that HIS clock hadn't really set off yet and wanted him to know that if he changed his mind that I would be willing to adopt. So, it's out there and we both know it's an option. One that we may or may not choose to pursue. Right now neither of us knows.

What I do know is that I'm just very upset today. Upset that was said to my husband by his father (I think my husband took it as a criticism and that somehow he has failed or disappointed his father). Upset that he may be missing having a child of his own because of me. Upset that I don't have a choice anymore to decide whether or not I want to have a child. We talked about it quite a bit yesterday, but while I was pissed and upset at the time, I was so concerned about my husband that I didn't realize just how upset I really was. Today I do. It sucks. But I also know that I am cancer free, I haven't let him down, and there are other options...and, I haven't been eating my feelings. I will allow myself to continue to be upset today, but tomorrow I will move forward.

11 comments:

MandaPanda said...

I think what you've gone through (are going through) is tough enough without having others weigh in on it...even if they don't mean it in a nasty way. Sorry you're having to deal with this right now and that your hubby's feelings were hurt. I think it speaks volumes as to how unselfish you are in that your first concern was how HE was feeling.

Andrea Brooks said...

I'm so sorry! People's words can be so hurtful! I think you have a great attitude about it though. Allow yourself to be upset without turning to food and then move on.

Cat said...

I completely understand your hurt and anger at this comment. I think sometimes people don't realize how they come across. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Sandy Lee said...

I am so sorry you had to go through both yesterday and all the other cancer stuff. But today you are alive, and cancer free. That is true strength.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

That makes me sad. I hate it when people say hurtful things, you can't take that back. I hope that you and your husband both feel better soon. Your husband sounds like a wonderful person, in spite of his father!

Ronnie said...

I can't believe your father-in-law would say that, some people are just cruel. My father is also one of those that says things without even thinking, so I can sort-of relate. I hope he realized how hurtful what he said was and apologizes.

Beth Ann said...

Awww..I love you bunches, Fluffy. I'm so happy that you are healthy and you are here. That is what is important. You husband feels the same, I have no doubt!

FitBy40 said...

Wow, that really sucks. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt and that your FIL could be so careless with his words. YOU know you did what was best for your body, and life, it really doesn't matter what he thinks. Sending you big hugs!

Jody V said...

Wow Fluffy...what a horrible thing to come out of a father's mouth. I hope you and hubby are doing better today. Hugs from Jersey!

Justawallflower said...

I really don't know what to say on this, so I'll just say my thoughts are with you. (((hugs)))

Stephanie said...

You know I offer a travelling "bitch slapping service" and I'd be more than happy to take care of the father in law of yours!!! What a total douchebag...