Sunday, October 09, 2005

My journey...

Fluffy, fat, overweight, obese...all ugly ugly words! I have got to do something about my weight. It is truly out of control. Some days I care and other days I don't. Is my depression a contributing factor or am I depressed because I am so fat??? I think I am depressed because I am so fat.

Oh yeah, I know what you are thinking. So do something about it! I have. I have been on every diet known to man. You name it, I've been on it. Did I lose weight? Sure did on every single one of them. The problem - the weight does not stay off. Just stop eating? Easier said than done. There is something wrong with my 'full button' plus I also know that I use food as my drug of choice.

So, what am I going to do? I am considering a drastic decision and contemplating lapband surgery. I'm not even sure that I will qualify for it. Isn't that hilarious? I might not be fat enough! Then there is also the cost ($15K) which I will have to pay myself because it is not covered by insurance. But if I am a good candidate the expense will be worth every penny. I am going to call and speak to them tomorrow about the cost and setting up a consultation.

Then again, I started this blog deal and am wondering if I could do it myself. Today I feel like I can. Don't know about tomorrow. It's the long-term that wears me out. Getting the weight off, but then not being able to keep it off. Who knows?

I want the days back that I could wear whatever I wanted and it was more a question of what I was going to wear rather than what can I fit into. Currently what I can fit into is a very few select items. That also stresses me out 'cause I know people are noticing how much weight I am putting on and also likely that there are only a few things that I keep wearing. Who cares, right? It just makes me feel self-conscious.

This weekend I didn't get out of bed except for a total of 10 hours. That would be on the high end. I'm not eating much so the weight is steady. The depression right now is bad. I am on medication, but it doesn't seem to be working. I'll speak to the doctor this week at my appointment. Although, I know it is the weight. I'll have to consider asking about the lapband surgery too. It would make me mad though if they said that they would not approve it because of the depression---because I'd be paying for it myself.

1 comment:

Ashleigh said...

Just keep trying exercise some and eat the right food. But just remember not every one is a size 0.