Please Send "The Fairy"

My husband unexpectedly was out of town today, so I found myself at loose ends. I did a bunch of housework and knocked out the grocery shopping. Then I figured that I had procrastinated enough and I might as well go check out the sales in an effort to get a few "real" clothes. Yah, I really hate shopping for myself that much and my summer clothes aren't going to cut it through fall/winter and my trip to Chi.

Off to the mall. I wasn't looking for work clothes as my current wardrobe *ahem* tshirts and shorts will be fine as long as I get to continue to work from home. I was on a hunt for casual hanging out / weekend wear. Specifically jeans.

I was convinced that a certain store would have some jeans so that was my first stop. I haven't tried any on in a long time and the few pairs I do have are too big. I'm pretty sure I was wandering around the store looking lost. This young gal came up and asked me if I wanted some help. I told her that I was looking for jeans and had no idea what I wanted. She offered to help me find a bunch of styles to try on. Great! So, she asks me what size I am and I seriously started to mumble about how I'm not sure, etc. She said, well what about the shorts that you have on. What size are those? I tell her and I blushed with embarrassment! As in full on felt my face get hot red. Unbelievable! Well, and embarrassing! Even as I type this I'm not sure why I was embarrassed and am going to have to think on that more.

I did try on the 8 or so pairs of jeans, but I was Go1dilocks. There was something wrong with each pair, but unfortunately didn't find the pair that was "just right" either *sigh*. I left that store and did walk into a few others, but I didn't see anything that I liked and was pretty much out of the mood of trying anything on at that point. So, if you know the jeans fairy - or are convinced that you know THE brand of jeans to try - please send me an email and let me know the brand.

***OMG - This is exactly why I blog. I think I was embarrassed because in my head I'm thinking she's responding with *snort* uh huh sure you are that size. AND, then what if she brings me that size and then they ARE too small *horror*. Because I'm shocked that I fit in the size I do. Anyway, there's some pretty warped projection dysmorphia crap going on there, but at least it's some nugget to ponder.

I can't remember if I blogged about this when it happened, but a few months ago I went to a going away party for one of my husband's friends. There were about 14 couples. I knew the wife of the guy that is my husband's friend and one other wife. I had stressed about what I was going to wear and ended up wearing my white capris (in picture), a fitted top with some *bling* stuff on it, and heels.

Anyway, later in the night after a number of the stepford wives had a lot to drink were talking about shopping and/or dieting. I can't remember exactly what they were talking about except that one of them made a comment to me that was "oh, well I'm sure you are a size zero" AND something about white pants (not said in a flattering way either). And, I was embarrassed then too. I was also totally speechless. I mean really, what do you say to that? (My husband leaned over and meowed and said wow, that was bitchy.)

Hell, I don't know where I am going with this. I am going to publish it though as it will likely keep in on my mind on some level to think about it some more. I don't think I'll be doing anymore shopping this weekend though! Go figure it could bring up so much crap for me. Anyway, off to figure out something to do for the evening...

Fun Times in Maintenance

Every now and then I think about getting a fill. And recently I've had fleeting thoughts about it. But over the years I've noticed some general themes are usually surfacing when the thought does come to mind for me:

1. My stress level may be much higher than normal.
2. I may not be generally making healthy food choices. (Eating more crap which can also include increased adult beverages.)
3. My healthy food choices may not be ones that satisfy my hunger. 
4. My portions may be off which is usually attributable to eating slider foods.
5. My exercise routine may be disrupted.

People may disagree, but a fill isn't going to address any of these things. In fact, I believe that it could possibly make the situation worse for me as it could limit the healthy choices that I do have.

Note: Keep in mind I am in maintenance. While I think being tight to the point that eating 1/2 - 3/4 cup-ish of food is not possible is not good, that's me and my opinion. Everyone's journey is different and everyone should take anything they read on a blog with a grain of salt. Ultimately, I encourage everyone to reflect and be honest with yourself and your doctor to figure out what is in YOUR best interest to get to goal...and to stay there.

And when I dig really really deep...and am super duper honest, which is really hard!, about thinking about a fill...I think the desire is really about fear and control. Fear that I will start backtracking. Fear of failure. Fear of regain. Feeling "out of control" on other things, so a fill will give me some control. *sigh* But I really do have control over all the things that I've listed. I don't need a fill for that. What I need to do is:

1. Remember that stressing about stuff that is not under my control is just plain silly.
2. Choose mainly healthy food choices. I feel better and have more energy when I do.
3. Aim for balance in the healthy food choices---protein, fruits, veggies, fiber, etc.
4. Sliders are a fancy way of saying crap food for me. Crap food is OK now and then. But it needs to be less "now".
5. Exercise.  (git-r-done). I'm important. I'm a priority. It helps with stress and makes me feel good. (Ha - today it sounds like I'm channeling the "you like me" 0scar speech.)

So nothing psycho Fluffy, just a little bit more focus. You're stressed, sleeping like crap, and tired. Be kind to yourself. BTW -  You do not need to stand on the scale either...just sayin'.

Related posts:
My thoughts on protein and some other opinions
Restriction
Golden(?) rules
My Most Important Rules
Why Do You Exercise?
Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3
The Five W's
Divorcing the Scale

B00Bs 2011 Fun Facts!

How did you pick your blog name?
I can't really remember at this point, but I used to say to my bff that I'm not fat, I'm fluffy. Followed by yes, I am in denial, but I'm not ready to do anything about it...yet.  

When did you start blogging?
October 9, 2005. With this post. I just read it again and boy was I sad.

Theme of blog (weight loss, family, circus clowns, sci-fi, erotica, fly fishing, doll collecting, star wars, etc)
My journey with the lapband...but at this point it's a bit all over the place, but I continue to blog on whatever strikes my fancy to keep some focus and accountability and also in the hopes that it helps document long-term success or *something* of value to other banded people or people considering it. 

Did you go to BOOBs 2010?
Nope, but I saw how much fun everyone had and figured this year, why not? 

When were you banded?
Surgery Date: November 16, 2005  

How much have you lost?
105 lbs 

What are you most looking forward to at BOOBs?
Meeting everyone, my first drink or twenty, hanging out, no deadlines, no commitments, just F-U-N! 

What/who do you hope to find/see/accomplish at BOOBs 2011?
Just to meet as many people as I can and booze it up with the b00bs. (Man, I sound like a lush!)


Children? Pets?
No and a cat. 

Who is your roomie?
Angela @ Repair and Renovation 

What day do you arrive?
Thursday evening. 

What airport/flight/time?
O'hare....um, not sure. I remember seeing something about my flight changing. I better take a look at that.

What events are you signed up for?
Thursday night drag show which I got confused with the Sec0nd City show on Friday, meet-n-greet, and the dinner (Hmmm, did I miss it and I was supposed to pay? If so, please yell at me pronto!) so I'm in for that currently as well. I haven't committed to any of the day time activities as I am just going with the flow. Because I am afraid that I will stay out too late and might even be a tad bit hungover. 


Hobbies?
I can't think of anything that I would qualify as a "hobby"----'cause the work makes me think of dedicated stuff like scrap booking, photography, etc. Yep, I'm a loser. : ) 

Single? Married? In a relationship?
Told by husband that at times I still act single (whatever that means), but technically married. Funny tidbit: my husband would say quite frequently "get off my ball sack". Bad call on his part, it is now one of my most favorite things to say to him. Feel free to try it out, the first time I guarantee it will be hilarious (oh, but please tell me about it in Chi!)..... Most likely the reaction will kinda be like this:

Your birthday month?
December 

What do you want other BOOBs to know about you?
I put together this cheat sheet in a blog post with other random crap info. It's not very exciting or very personal, but I'm hoping to remedy the personal part in Chi! I am really looking forward to meeting everyone...you can find me cause I'll be wearing one of these:

Git-r-Done

Truth be told, there are things that I do not like about exercise. *gasp* Yep, I said it. Do Not Like. Weights and intervals are hard. I could half a$$ weights, but why even bother then? Intervals. They suck even more. Nuff said. My slogan is that I'm not built for speed. (And, yes that just smacks of excuse, doesn't it?)

I was thinking a lot about this at camp this morning while I was cussing my way through intervals and thought I'd note down some of my thoughts:

• Man, I #)(@*#$)($* hate intervals!
• Evil (hot) Trainer: "Pick it up Fluffy. I know you hate intervals." Fluffy : "Hey, a$$hat, thanks for calling me out in front of 40 people. How about you come over here and let me chase you? Until I catch you and beat you a bit...or a lot"
• O-M-G! We still aren't done.
• Excuuuuussseee me? Stair intervals today.&(@#*$&(&# (The stairs are a quarter mile away. Sure, let's just jog right on over!)
• It's )(@#*$)@#*$ hot.
• How you liking that crap eating from this past weekend NOW, Fluffy?
• Evil (hot) Trainer: "Good job Fluffy. I know you hate intervals, but I'm here to make you do stuff you don't like." Fluffy: "Ya, but it doesn't make me want to kill you any less while I'm doing it." (Yep,  told him that. He laughed and knows I'm joking...kinda sorta)
• Other variations on the same have been said all week and will continue for the remainder. Oh yes, it's intervals all week. 400m sprints anyone? (Oh not to worry. It's "only" 3x400; 3x200; 3x100. #@&*^$*^)

So what keeps me going?

• No excuses. It's hard for me to come up with a really valid excuse at 5am vs. the plethora I can come up with at other times of the day. Oh ya, I can rationalize day time excuses like a champ!
• There's crap I just don't like, but I have to do to progress my fitness level. It's just a fact. I bitch, but I just do it (tee hee---n-ike). I focus on the benefits and get over it---while cussing my way through : )
• Things I do not like, I will not do on my own. I might have good intentions, but I won't push myself the way I do at camp. So I have to find a group activity where it's included and I am forced to do it. 
• How my body has changed!

So I keep on going and I channel my inner Larry the Cab1e guy and I just git-r-done.

Again?!

I was watching a movie with my husband when we heard this huge pop. We both said something about it, but didn't think much of it. Until about 10 minutes later when we both smelled smoke!

We both started running. My husband to the garage to get the fire extinguisher (seriously, twice in ONE weekend?!) and me upstairs to try and locate where the smoke smell was coming from. I assumed it was going to be upstairs again. We could find nussing upstairs, so I ran downstairs and into the kitchen.

Imagine my surprise when I see a pot on the stove to remember that I was boiling a couple eggs for my husband to take for breakfast the next day. Ooopsie! That pop? Yep, exploding eggs. I wish I would have taken a picture of the carnage. It was quite a sight, but I was a little frazzled at the time.

This was definitely my fault, and nope not cause I had too many C0r0nas, I'm just preoccupied and it's getting me into trouble. Amazingly, the pot survived the abuse. Go figure.

In band news: This past weekend was not one of stellar healthy food choices---the balance was definitely off...let's say 75% unhealthy (yikes!). One weekend won't kill me, but it certainly doesn't make me feel good either. I feel fat and bloated. Remember this feeling Fluffy!

It's not so much the crap eating that bothers me. It is that a lot of this eating was mindless and emotional. So, I'm a bit frustrated with myself. I'm not dwelling on it, but I need to recognize that some old behaviors surfaced. *grrrr* Here's to moving on and getting the balance back the other way to more healthy choices to not!

Really?!

This weekend has been pretty exciting. I spent a lot of time with my friend:

Did some of this:

Source

Had a great meal...Oh, and a couple of these:

Shopped some of the summer clearance sales and found these:

And, did I mention this?

Um, ya there was a wee bit of a situation in the attic. No telling what happened (supposedly) other than the source of the small fire was these wires. Good news: everyone is safe, fire was very very small, and everything is back in working order. So after all this unplanned excitement, there will now be a lot of this:

I am officially ignoring tomorrow is Monday. Cheers!

Beat Down Week

I'm not going to lie. This week has really beat me down and I'm worn out. I'm just at a super high stress level and when I am it leads to a bunch of other stupid thoughts. I have learned though THE BEST way to control eating. My secret? Just have a TMJ flare up to the point that your jaw hurts so much that you can't chew! To help alleviate this, I've been asked to wear my guard all the time that I can and to reduce my stress (duh). It's clear and really unnoticeable until I talk and sound like I have a bit of a lisp, but still quite lovely. I kinda wish it was neon and glowed though. I just think it'd lead to some entertaining looks and who knows what people would say.

What have I done to manage the stress?

• Verbalized it to my husband. It's not really talking because I don't have enough information to talk at this point vs. just to say "I'm feeling super stressed". But for me, this is progress. Historically I have always internalized (or hidden from) my feelings.
• Went to camp as planned...every. single. day. I'll tell you it was a struggle. My sleep has sucked and I have a bad case of the don't wannas, but I knew the exercise would help me, so I dragged my a$$ there. Sometimes it just comes to that. Alarm goes off and it would be oh so easy to hit snooze or set it to a later time, but nope. Get up and get out!
• I have been tossing around the idea of running another half this year. For now, I've decided that training for it would just add to my stress and I'd probably not enjoy it with where my head is at currently. There's still plenty of time to make a final decision, but now is not the right time. (If there are any other b00bs training for a half in December, please let me know. I figure if I am I might need to do a 7-8 mile run while in Chi....*cough* hangover permitting. I like to plan ahead.)
• Made healthy choices. Having to eat soft foods/liquids is not my preferred method. I get the most satisfaction from eating "real" food and my bandster portions. To help, I went to the store and got a selection of soups that sounded good and some new flavors of yogurt. It's restaurant week here in Dallas, we're going to a fancy restaurant tonight so I'm hoping that all this babying of my stupid jaw will pay off and I'll be able to eat something!

So yah, some other crap has surfaced as well. Stuff that intellectually I know is stupid and it's just anxiety, will be fine, etc. I figured I'd throw them out here regardless in case there are other b00bs that *might* be having some similar thoughts...

• I saw on a few blogs "formal night" and getting clothes to wear. I saw that and my reaction was "whhhaaaaatttt?". Started thinking, hell I've got nothing to wear and it could still be 123 degrees here when I leave for Chi, but who knows what the temp will be there. What will I wear? etc. etc. Eh, I'll figure it out. I just repeat to myself that it's a great opportunity for shoes and it brings comfort to me. ;)
• My blog doesn't really contain much personal information other than about this journey. I start thinking things like "whoa, nobody is going to know me" and other thoughts on that same theme. Yes, stupid. I will just have to make sure that I introduce myself and to force myself to reach out to people (it's kinda like that feeling thing).
• And last, but not least, .... come on - somebody must also be thinking some of these same things! ---- I'm seen live and in person and I start wondering what the gals will think. "She could still stand to lose a few" "There's no way she weighs what she says she does" "She doesn't look that fit" "She's not as 'small' as I thought she'd be"....yep, I recognize these are MY insecurities surfacing and there may be only 1 or 2 people that think any of these things (seriously joking), but even if there is. Oh well, out of my control. It is what it is.

And yet, with all these thoughts, I look forward to meeting as many of you as I can. That's a good thing. : )

Changes and Stressors

How many of you remember that TV test pattern?  Man, I'm old! And ya, you are too if you remember it! Just sayin'. : P

Anyway, this is me at the moment:

Source

So this is my blog test pattern for myself. I need to read this and repeat to interrupt some of my stress.

• Change is good. It could be a great opportunity.
• Things could always be worse. 
• Worry about what is within my control/sphere of influence. Whatever else is what it is.
• It's only a job. And, I am very fortunate to have a job.

Instead I will focus on:

• Sticking to my routine! Continue to exercise and make healthy choices. I feel healthy and strong from doing both which makes me feel good physically and mentally.
• My husband and friends are supportive and can help me manage my stress IF I talk to them. Do not disengage.

That is all. Oh wait, I think it's: You will now be returned to your regular programming...

BYOC

Reasons why today is a better day:

• It's Friday!!! I am giddy about it just like that bunny.

• It didn't hit 100 yesterday! But unfortunately while it looked like it was going to storm, none of the wet stuff actually made it to the ground where I live. There's some projected storm activity, so hopefully some rain will come.

• My shoes arrived. : )  From a l0ft ad: "The simplest outfit can be elevated to an unforgettable look with the right pair of shoes." Nuff said.

• YOU! Sometimes it helps me just to vent out my blah's and it helps, but your comments helped even more! Thank you for that and I can't wait to meet you guys in Chicago! I'm still holding out that some people that aren't able to come somehow figure out a way to make it happen.

BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy – 5 questions you can copy and paste to your own blog if you so desire – in an effort to get to know your fellow bloggers better and to give your blog brain a break!

1. I have to do some MAJOR cleaning tonight…which is prompting me to ask…what is the absolute worst thing you hate to clean or cleaning chore you hate the most? (vacuuming, dusting, laundry, toilets, floors, etc.)
Garbage. It's stupid, but I just hate taking out the garbage. It was really the deciding factor in me getting married. Hmmm, should I marry him....Hell ya, he can take out the garbage! Unfortunately, my plan has not worked as well as I hoped as he travels a lot and "conveniently" the timing frequently is on the day that trash needs to be done.

2. Brown or Black? Fly or Drive? Hot dog or Burger? Gold or Silver?
Brown or Black - No preference.
Fly or Drive - whichever one gets me there quicker.
Hot dog or Burger - depends on my mood.
Gold or Silver - White gold or platinum please.

4. Even if you don’t have kids, how do you feel about kids in multiple sports during their school years?  Were you in MULTIPLE sports all during school?  Forced or by choice?

I like what I have seen friends do. They don't discourage their kids, but many have a rule that you can only have one sport a season. Kids choice.

I played soccer year round from essentially the time I was born...ok, well almost. During high school, I also played whatever sport was also going on. So, soccer and volleyball if that was the season, then soccer and basketball, etc. I was a sports dork.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

People have been hitting goal weights, great loses, and struggles and challenges with the journey. Ultimately though, everyone takes time to be supportive of one another in celebrating or supporting. It's great....there has been nussing else that I can thing of at the moment. ; )

Real life - I've had a rough week, but that's life. And, ultimately the things that were rough when put into perspective are nothing to get my panties in a wad about. I am very fortunate. Now and then that perspective gets interrupted with small stuff and I forget about the bigger picture. I had a talk with myself about that and gave myself a swift kick in the a$$. Perspective is back in place.

Yeeeooowwchhh!

There's this exercise at my boot camp it's called a "johnny c". I tried to find an example, but I'm not sure if it is technically called that or if I spelled it correctly, or it's just something the sadists made up (don't think so) because I couldn't find anything.

Anyway, it's an elbows and toes plank (also referred to as a forearm plank) and then you put one hand where your elbow was and repeat with the other arm (you are now in a push up plank position) and then you go back down one arm at a time. The goal is to hold your plank form and not have your hips sway. Repeat this 8 zillion times as quickly as you can while maintaining form. So I'm plugging away and somehow I peeled a nickel size piece of skin off one of my elbows....dry skin and this exercise do not mix. Learn from me, apply lotion.

To add insult to injury, I seriously thought today was Friday. As in the entire bootcamp this morning, I was telling myself that it was Friday as a motivation trick. Then it was pointed out to me that it's not. Husband is out of town and it's garbage day. Garbage is not out. Work has highs and lows. Right now it's a low...I'm grumpy. I now banish the grumpiness into the universe and outta me!

Cause I'm not any less...

Source

Of a shoe whore than the rest of you, I thought I *might* share another site in addition to the one that Stephanie and Draz frequent. First some musings from my shoe closet courtesy of some pretty funny chats with my husband.

• Husband: So that looks like another pair of black shoes. Fluffy: Yes, they are black, but that's pretty much all they have in common with the rest of my black shoes. These can only be worn with certain outfits just like the other ones can only be worn with certain outfits. Husband: *eye roll*
• Fluffy: I buy a pair of shoes, but I have to go to an event with the husband (his event) so I figure I can escape unscathed. Husband: I like that outfit. I really like those shoes. I haven't seen those before, have I? Fluffy: Nope, I got them today so I'd look nice to go to your event. Husband: Well, you look really nice. Fluffy inside her head: diabolical bunny tee hee
• Husband: I just don't understand why you have so many shoes. Look at mine. I have black, brown...or whatever he said after that as I tuned him out.... Fluffy: Well, I have to have shoes in other colors beside black/brown and shoes for the season---like boots and a whole list of reasons if you want me to keep listing them. Husband: No. But don't think that once your shelves fill up that you are moving over to my side of the closet. Fluffy: Don't you worry your pretty little head. (Ya, I whip that one out now and then on him. And, I can always find room for another pair of shoes. The out of season ones either get boxed up and put on a higher shelf to be swapped out or off to donation!)
• My fall back tactic is to always get pairs that I know he'll like. It's when I get ones that he doesn't that I tend to get on shaky ground. These boots here and here are good examples of success stories. 
• The ultimate happened this weekend though. We were watching that Adam Sand1er/Jennifer Anist0n movie (can't think of the name, but it was a cute movie) in the movie he takes her shopping. Fluffy: OMG, I looooooovvvee those shoes. Husband: You like those?!....How much were they? Fluffy: $1700 Husband: For ONE pair of shoes?! Fluffy: See, it could be much much worse than it is for you.

Oh yah, the site. It's...man, what was it? Oh, I'm kidding. It's: t i l l y s dot com. Seriously, check it out, but if it causes any marital/partner issues this is my disclaimer that I am not responsible for the number of shoes you are likely going to love and respond out loud,  by yourself, to your computer, "OMG, these shoes are only how much? I must have them!"....this may have happened to me just the other day when I might have purchased a pair. Now, go forth and shoe shop!....are my new shoes here yet?

Aarrrggghhh!

No, I'm not a pirate. I'm just getting irritated at this weather! I am trying to make a tough decision, but until the heat shows some hope of breaking I can't get myself over the hump to commit!

Why yes, the sun is sporting a different mustache or beard, so click the picture to truly appreciate them! Blame my craziness on the heat! 

Fast as a bunny...not so much

My race tactic was I-don't-wanna-be-a-hot-weather-statistic-on-the-side-of-the-road approach. Regardless it is still a struggle for me to go "backwards" and have a race time several minutes slower than I know I am capable of. Yes, it's stupid, but that's my perfectionism that I've also been working on as part of this journey.

Here's my race summary:

• Man, my back is sore. Uh huh, not sore enough. You're fine.
• Is this outfit going to be cool enough? Um, unless naked is an option. Yes.
• It's f-ing hot (92 degrees)! No $hit sherlock.
• Let's get this thing started already.
• Oh hell, it's starting.
• Great. There's some people I know and I have crazy hair.
• Is it over yet?
• Oh look, they changed the course from last year. 
• Oh look, they changed the )@(#*$)@(* course from last year to have a lot of inclines.
• Good grief, it's hot.
• Oooo, out and back! Nice! Hey, you over there, I'm fast...like a rabbit!!!

• Heck, three quarters of a mile left. Turn it on and let's get this over with!
• WOO HOOO! No speed record set, but it doesn't matter. I finished. 

If I post a goal on my blog it makes me accountable. It's like a promise to myself and also in a way to "all these people" that may be reading. It's just something that I found works for me. When the thought of bailing on something surfaces, I then have two options:

1. I'm not going to do it and I will have to explain why. And, sometimes this is OK, but it makes me think through why to figure out if the reasons are valid for me (if I were to read them, are they excuses or reasons?). A good example is when I decided earlier this year that I h-a-t-e running in hot weather and changed my mileage goal for the year. Hating something is a good reason in my book.
2. Then there's the other side of the coin. Bailing on a goal for me is hard enough, but doing so with reasons that I feel are lame just doesn't work. So, that's enough to keep me going. This was Saturday's race.

Thanks to everyone out there for the encouragement. I do appreciate it greatly.

Next up for me is an obstacle course race - The Jai1break.  Dang it! Now I have to do it! I joke...kinda :)

No Excuses!

I have a race tomorrow. Here's a list of some of the reasons why I shouldn't do the race.

• My friend bailed and is no longer doing it with me.
• It's hot.
• My husband has said to me that I don't have to do the race if I don't want to. Translation - he won't be mad if I just skip it and the registration fee is forfeited.
• It's really hot.
• My back is still sore.

Now for the reasons why I should do the race:

• While my friend isn't going, we weren't going to be together once the race starts anyway. Bottom line: this is just an excuse. I need to get over it.
• It's hot. Sure it's hot, but it's not as hot as later in the day and I have been doing bootcamps in this heat the entire summer. A 5K is much easier than a bootcamp for me. Bottom line: this is just an excuse. I need to get over it.
• Married life has been a huge adjustment for both me and my husband, but we have both been putting in a lot of effort. That effort though has paid off ten fold. He's my biggest fan and supporter. Bottom line: this is very supportive of my husband, but I can't use it as an excuse. I need to get over it. 
• While my back is sore, it's doing much better. Plus, it doesn't hurt when I jog. Bottom line. This is just an excuse.I won't be hitting my 27 min pace and need to take it easy ignoring my pace (plus it's hot!) and I just need to get over it.  
• I am a racing shirt phobia person. I won't be able to wear the shirt if I don't do the race. 

Bottom line: No excuses. I'm over it and I will be doing the race. Suck it up buttercup!

Buttercup P0wepuff Girl

Fluffy Cheat Sheet

Hi again! I thought I'd do a post for B00BS out there about me. A summary, if you will, because it's pretty hard with my anonymity to get to "know me", but hopefully this helps a bit. So, here goes...

• I'm 42, but will be knocking on the door of 43 when we are in Chicago.
• I was banded November 16, 2005 with a starting weight of 234. You can see other stats over on the sidebar.
• I have a Lap Band - 4cc with a low profile port.
• I was self-pay.
• Depending on how you choose to interpret my "goal" weight, I've been at my goal weight for over 4 years.
• If you go to this post - you will find a good summary of my journey on my five year anniversary.
• I started out my journey single, but am now married - related post - pictures on this post
• I ran a half marathon.
• I set wellness goals and am pretty much an outdoor bootcamp freak.
• I divorced the scale.
• Before & After - a glimpse anyway and headless, but I'll see if I can find a couple before pictures and put them on my phone as the changes in my face are pretty drastic.
• I'm very directionally challenged. Please take pity on me if you see me aimlessly staring around with a puzzled look on my face and drag me to where we are supposed to be. 
• I absolutely love to shop for clothes for other people! Just ask Beth Ann! So, if you are looking for someone to go with you and be a personal shopper (picking out 8 zillion things for you to try on and sending you to the dressing room), give me a shout.
• Angela and I are arriving Thursday evening. If you are too, please let me know.
• How can you find me? I'll be the one in the bunny costume. Ha, you just never know!

Can't wait to meet everyone!

Searches & Poop!

O-M-G! I have read on blogs about searches and the funny things that are used. I figured what the heck, I'm going to go see what is there. So I did and busted out laughing. As in laughing so hard that I snorted!

I don't know how there are so many POOP references, so if you're reading Draz, continue with caution!

• how can i easy my bowel movement?
• fluff panties
• why does it look like there's fluff on my stool
• 3 legged stool analogy

Not kidding you. 

Sorry Draz. : )

B.O.D!

Hi! Gulp. Yep, I really am shy in addition to be anonymous! Funny thing is that work people would not use shy to characterize me. But I am. So, just like many of you, going to Chicago is a bit stressful! Don't get me wrong, I am  looking forward to meeting everyone, but it's definitely an adventure out of my comfort zone. I just thought I'd share so that those of you that are feeling the same way know I am too!

• Will I survive? Sure.
• Will I meet tons of super awesome people? You bet!
• Will I end up having a great time? Yep!
• [Will I likely be a "drunk" one? Uh, Yep!]

But for anyone that's shy about being the first one to order an adult beverage, just find me! Cause I will be the first one in line and not shy about that! : ) Hey, a little liquid courage takes the edge off a bit.

Thanks Angela (my roomie!) and Draz for the nice words. I have kept my journey private. Outside of other people with the band that I have met, there are only a handful of people that know (about 6). I look forward to meeting you guys, but please know that if I duck from pictures that it's not personal!

Ouuchhhh!!

Because of this: 

Back Pain

I spent a lot of time this weekend doing this:

Even though it's hot for most people's standards in the morning here, right now it feels like heaven to me. I spent a lot of time in a reclining lounge chair reading and looking at:

I figured after the weekend of resting that this morning I could go to bootcamp. I trust the trainer a lot. He has a degree and a zillion certifications as well as working at a very prestigious and reputable facility outside of the camps he leads. I told him when I got there this morning that my back was bothering me, I had thrown it out a few years ago, and sporadically comes up now and then. He gave me alternate things to do where needed and I spent extra time after camp with some additional stretching. I do feel loosened up, but not better. He suggested only 3 camps this week, so I'm going to listen to his advice. The good news, I had to take today as a sick day because I can't concentrate for long on muscle relaxers. Proof: This short post has been in the works for over 3 hours now. : )

I heart this stuff!

http://www.nobrew.com/

After 897923 days of 100+ weather (OK, but I think today might be 30 days in a row!), hot coffee or tea is a bit hard to drink. Enter iced coffee. But not just any iced coffee, but cold dripped New Orleans style. Sure, I could get my own chicory coffee and make my own cold brewed coffee, but for those of you that don't know, I'm l-a-z-y. Seriously, no joke.

Plus I have rationalized the heck out of the expense. I'd have to get the coffee and spend time making it. shudder. When I calculate that (bet you didn't know that my time is worth 5 bucks a minute, huh?) this stuff is a bargain! And don't forget, this stuff is from New Orleans. I'm sure a real cajun even brews it!

Depending on the strength you like, it's a 1 part of the coffee to 2 to 3 parts of water or water/milk or milk. Personally, I use water/milk with some blue sweetener, throw in some ice and voila! Pure cold coffee yumminess!

What? You need more reasons??? Throw this stuff in a blender, some fake sweetener of your choice, and blend away and you have a frap...add some vanilla and you have a vanilla frap...add some cocoa and you have a mocha...you can even slide in some protein powder if ya wanna! The possibilities are endless.

So, hurry out and get some! I can find it at Whole Paycheck, but if you can't locate it ask your local store to get some stat or order it online.

PS. I have no affiliation with this stuff at all. I just think it's great.

PSII or PSS or whatever - I broke my Star bucks habit by getting my Keurig...so far this newly developed habit has remained under the radar from the husband....cause I do the shopping! : )

No, I'm really not crazy.

I have a lot of talks with myself in my head, but sometimes out loud. It can go kinda like this:

• Can I eat more of that? Yes, but I shouldn't.
• Should I go to bootcamp? Yes, you should.
• Can I have a drink while I eat? Yes, but I shouldn't.
• Blah, blah, blah...

You get the point. Side bar: Did your mother ever annoy you with the - "I don't know, can you?"  There are a lot of things I can do, but it doesn't mean I should and there's also a lot of things I should do and I can. Having this inner dialogue has made me think about my choices and making decisions more consciously. I've gotten over it when I'm caught talking to myself out loud! Sometimes it just works better.

Have I been perfect? Far from it and I don't ever expect to be, it's just me working on making conscious choices. Oh, and here's a cheesy graphic. : )

Me, a Grem1in?

This weekend my husband characterized me and my eating as a Grem1in. I'm all sweet and cuddly (he thinks so anyway) when I'm well fueled, but when I'm not, look out! The other one he has used is:

Yep, the hu1k. And, yes, both are even a bit true unfortunately. Normally I have a snack or two in my purse, but unfortunately sometimes I forget. At least he's getting that when I say I need to get something to eat that I'm not messing around!

It was a weekend packed full of events, but we did rent a movie Friday night - Limitless. We were actually surprised how good it was, so if you're looking for a movie this one might be worth checking out.





On Saturday it was "only" 100 (temp, no heat index)...and I was thankful for the break in the heat. It's strange how much those few degrees make a difference.

Weekly Round Up

• 4 bootcamps
• Calories: 2631

Whew, Almost Finished?

It turned out that hitting goal was a milestone not the finish line for me (whoa - I can't believe it's been four years since hitting my goal weight!). The modifications I made to get to my goal pretty much have continued with more flexibility in exercise and food choices overall. For me, that means some, and at times a lot, of conscious effort.

Another thing I learned about when I was honest with myself is that at goal some not so healthy trends were re-emerging. It was a vicious cycle. Lose X amount, maybe I need to lose Y more. Fit in size A, maybe I need to fit in size B. Don't get me wrong, this was an important part of my journey initially, but at some point it had to stop. I had to say it was enough, accept it, and figure out the long haul.

I try to focus on:

• Acceptance of food as mainly fuel and not escape from something else. That doesn't include indulgences at holidays, celebrations, etc., it's the stress/emotional eating. But I do pretty much eat what I want when I want it. I guess it's intuitive eating? Whatever you want to label it, it boils down to me eating when I'm hungry (still following my personal number one band rule of portion size) and doing a quick check if what I am hungry for is not the most healthiest of choices to make sure it's not to avoid a feeling.
• Accepting myself - being "enough"; stopping negative self talk; and focusing on the positive of my own self perception.
• Divorcing the scale. 

Change is hard. Especially considering until my 30's I was pretty much viewed as thin with up/down to a bit fluffy, but my relationship with food and exercise has always been far from healthy behind the scenes. That's a lot of years of practice with some unhealthy behaviors! There are still days now and then that I think man I should lose a bit more or fit in a smaller size, find myself veering toward food to escape some feeling, and thinking negative things about myself, but in the whole scheme of things I am getting better and the frequency of these behaviors is decreasing.

And on some days, I even find that it doesn't take any conscious thought at all. Ah, progress. : )

Related posts:
Hunger
The 5 W's
Divorcing the Scale
Motivation

Coleslaw In Summer

Source

It seems that coleslaw is pretty much a staple during the summer when grilling and my house is no different, so I set out to come up with a decent recipe that was also easy. Well, not only is this decent and easy, it's actually pretty fantastic! And then I took it up a level one time (channeling Emeri1) by adding a couple tablespoons of blue cheese one time. Guests and my husband couldn't stop talking about it or believe that it was a lower calorie version. Verdict: Super Yum. So, I'd thought I'd share...

• 1 bag coleslaw mix (I get the finally shredded one - more band friendly to me - that has the carrots and purple cabbage in it as well.)
• 2 packets sp1enda or equa1(I wouldn't recommend using sweet n 1ow - I figure it would give it an after taste.)
• 1 cup low fat He1lman's mayo **This one actually has better stats than the low calorie!
• 2-3 tbsp of apple cider vinegar
• Optional: couple tablespoons of blue cheese

Dump bag of slaw mix in a bowl. Sprinkle on the fake sweetener. Dump in the mayo. I mix it up a bit at this point. Add 2 tbsp of vinegar. Taste and add more vinegar if needed. I refrigerate it a couple hours or longer to give it time to "brew" and if I am adding the blue cheese add that about an hour before (doesn't really matter when you do it, but I like to give it a bit of time to add flavor as well). Serve!

easy peasy.

What a BEATING!

First, anyone that sits through the TEN hour class deserves a CHL license. There's about 20 mins of shooting and the rest is all class. And lunch, that time doesn't count as part of the ten hours either. With about 4 hours left, I started doodling...pictures of me with a gun to my head. My husband caught me and started laughing. Turns out he felt the same way.

I passed the shooting part with no issue. The target was larger and the distances were much closer for the actual "test" than what I had practiced. So, I did well (for me anyway). My husband knocked it out of the park. There was one big hole in the center of the target and that was it. Showoff  :)

I zipped through the written test - as in so fast that I was done 10 mins or so before the next person - I figured I missed 1 or 2, but knew that it wasn't worth worrying about or straining my brain with the double negatives in the two I wasn't sure about. Yah, maybe not the best attitude, but let me just remind everyone TEN hours. Bottom line - I passed the entire thing and can move forward with applying for a license. I may or may not. It's TBD.

Miscellaneous thoughts:

1. There are quite a number of risks with carrying a gun, but in reality they also apply to having and using a loaded weapon in your own home.
2. In this state, since September 2007 you can have a loaded weapon in your vehicle without having a CHL. Eh, it's Texas. With or without it being legal, people that want to carry a loaded weapon were most likely doing so prior to 2007 anyway.
3. Ten hours is a long day on one subject period. Especially if it isn't one that you are extremely excited about and you may in reality be attending the course because (a) it was 2 for 1 and (b) earned you a huge pile of brownie points with your husband (not that either of those apply to me or anything)
4. There may have been some people in the class that may not have gotten the point of the class...use of a gun should be a last resort and to stop an imminent threat to your person that cannot be addressed otherwise. I stared at these people e during the last 4 hours to burn their images on my brain in case of any future encounters.  
5.  My husband was beyond thrilled that I completed this course and did well...I see some new shoes in my future...which makes the ten hours not so bad.  : )

Fluffy out.

Source

Bodyguard in The Making?

Check this out:

I did my best Texan impression last Sunday by going to the gun range with my husband. I think that's how Texans roll on a Sunday by the crowd that was there. Go to church and then go shoot off some guns!

That's my target using a handgun - small holes 22; some sorta 45 glock thing for the larger - hey, it was an impression remember? And nope, never been before. But get this, there was a LivingSocia1 for a 2-1 deal to get CHL training (concealed hangun license). My husband didn't renew his license (stupid since it's free) and has to take the course again. I figured he would be thrilled if I took it with him and since it's "free" for the training for me as we would have had to pay for his anyway, I figured what the hell.

The "wife restriction" I imposed on my attendance was that if/when we got to the gun part of the course and I didn't wanna or got scared that I'd be done. Well, I thought about that and decided I didn't want to sit in a classroom for 8 hours to then find out no way was I doing the shooting part, so that's how the range visit came about. I went again this week to practice some more and might try to get in one more practice session today. No way am I going to look like an idiot at this class! : )

So, by next week, I might be licensed to carry....hilarious! --- OK state of Texas, but there are some other states it applies to.

So, you know with all these fine looking women that will be going to b00bs,  I think I might have just found my job! B00bs bodyguard!!! : )

I'll let you know how it goes...

Source

What? WLS & Exercise is Possible?

All I can say is DUH to this article. : ) And as far as the next step of "can it actually help them to maintain that weight loss"...My vote: Yes. For me I would not have gotten to where I am today or maintained the loss after all this time without exercise. Plus, in addition to being thinner, I really want to be healthy and strong. I'm not sure how those goals can be achieved without exercising (related post). Anyway, I thought someone else might want to read the article.

Hot Out?

My tips for hot-weather-outside workouts:

• Water is your BFF. I take a bottle or two of water and freeze them. The night before I need it, I move it to the fridge to melt a bit. Then I take those and some cold ones from the fridge to camp. As an added bonus, the frozen ones feel lovely if there's time to put them on your wrist, forehead, neck....OK, anywhere!
• Listen to your body. Feeling light headed? Thirsty? Short of breath? Stop, slow down, or whatever, but listen to your body! Give your body what it needs otherwise you might find yourself having a fun experience like one poor gal at camp who was puking her guts out. Personally, there are no heroes and it's not a competition. Do what you gotta do.
• Sweat can be your enemy. There have been a couple workouts that I sweat out too much "good stuff" (hey, I'm not a doctor or a professional trainer) and have felt a bit light headed. To counter this, I take with me some Gatorade G2 which I will sip on and off. 1/2 water 1/2 Gatorade is another option. Too much makes me feel yucky, it took some trial and error to figure out what worked for me.
• Bring a towel. No duh, right? Except the other day I forgot mine because I was actually washing it (miracle) and it sucked!
• Dress appropriately. Screw it if you aren't a size zero or a fitness model. You're there to workout. Wear some shorts, a tank, or some sort of moisture wicking shirt. Don't add to the misery by dressing in too many clothes.
• Refrain from negative self talk. (I can't do it, it's too hot. I'm gonna die (not you aren't, it just feels like it, ha). Blah, blah, blah.) You can do it and you are! I find a hot workout much more mentally challenging and sometimes have to gut it through and mentally kick myself in the a$$. Heck it's only X number of minutes or X number of sets, right? So, if it's 10 jump squats, 15 pushups, 40 mountain climbers, and run a loop, I know that the time on average will be 3 times minimum for me. So I just cheer myself on and switch my focus to surviving getting to 3.
• BE PROUD! You are out there and you are doing it. You're awesome!

Have something else to add?

Don't Wannas

I. Did. Not. Want. To. Go. To. Boot camp. This. Morning.

Know what I did?

I got up and went....suck it up buttercup!

And after - as I expected, but it is just sooooo hard to believe when the "don't wannas" hit...

I. Was. Glad. And, I felt good. : )

Wellness Goals - 2nd Quarter Results

The heat is killing me! Boot camp at 5:30 in the morning has been easily averaging 85 degrees without even adding the humidity. 5:30 AM??? Ridiculous! But a good workout *sigh*. This is impacting my original goals, because I have embraced that I am not a hot weather runner. So, I have officially sidelined running until the weather cools down. I refuse to do something I hate it and that's OK.

1. Boot camps. Goal: 200 camps. Stretch Goal: 240.

• So far: 115 camps
• At the rate I am currently trending, I'll hit my goal and depending if I add any extra days when it cools down, I might hit my stretch. 

2. Training/Race Total Miles. Goal: 416 miles. Stretch Goal: 520 miles.

• So far: 108.92 miles
• HA - laugh with me. NOT hitting this goal. Unless I turn into F. Gump where he takes off. I would be happy if I hit 208 miles "ish" by the end of the year. I figure that by mid-September it might be cool enough where I feel like hitting the road again.

3. Half Marathon(s). Goal: 1. Stretch Goal: 2.

• So far: 1 - Goal completed. : ) ... stretch goal - right now, I can tell you I have no interest. It could be because it is so dang hot here though and the thought of running a half is the last thing I want to do. It's possible that I could get one in before the end of the year *if* when the weather cools down I have some interest.

4. 5K or other races such as obstacle races. Goal: 3. Stretch Goal: 5.

• So far: 1 5K completed; Signed up for: 1 obstacle and 1 5K. I should hit this goal. Stretch goal up in the air.

5. Calorie Burn. Goal: 130,000 Stretch Goal: 150,000 (note: this is only "dedicated" exercise)

• So far: 87,044
• This goal might be set too low. Even with the cut back in running, I should still hit the stretch goal. I'm going to have to revisit this one next year if I use it for setting goals again.

I am strangely OK with where I am at this point. With all my whining about the heat, it might seem like I should try to find something inside. But while the heat makes me whine, I still love boot camp and just have to suck it up. This is definitely personal growth for me. I really am not beating myself up about the running. I did push myself to do some runs to be sure, but once I was, I just was. The rest, I'm good with where I am so far. HA - at nearly 43 years old, I actually might be getting some of this stuff!

Summer Watermelon Salad

Watermelons are super yummy in TX right now. On our trip to San Antonio, we went to a super fantastic restaurant for dinner. They had a watermelon salad on their menu which we both thought was great. I thought that I could duplicate tweak it more to our liking, so I did made it the other night. I try to make an "exciting" side item as it is 89234897234 degrees here, so it's grill only for protein.

Ingredients:

• Watermelon cubed **A good seedless watermelon is going to be key
• Cheese - They used feta, but I used gargonzola (like a stronger cheese)
• Balsamic reduction
• Basil - They used leaves that were cut up. For me, I find that basil goes bad before I can use all of a fresh bunch, so I tried chopped organic basil in a tube!

Now for the extremely tough directions. Cube the watermelon. Throw some in a bowl (your call on how much). Drizzle on balsamic reduction. Throw on some cheese. Dot on the basil in a tube. (Husband comment: What's the bird poop?) Ya, it was that easy and just as yummy as the one from the restaurant. Theirs looked waaaay fancier : ) When I can rescue get the pictures that are currently trapped on my husband's camera, I'll post the picture of the one we had at the restaurant for a good laugh of how ugly mine truly is.

**UPDATED**

Balsamic reduction: Seriously easy guys. Get some balsamic vinegar, a good pot/saucepan, and a heat tolerant whisk (If you don't have one of these - go get one now! ha - a spoon will work just fine). Measure a cup of vinegar, dump it in the pan, and cook the hell out of it on high stirring constantly (or you can lower the heat to have it simmer, but you need to stir it frequently). I'd estimate it takes about 10 minutes, but whatever amount of vinegar you start with, you want it to pretty much reduce by half. It will continue to thicken as it cools. Voila! Balsamic reduction.

Other tips:

• Most recipes will say something about sugar. The vinegar actually sweetens as it reduces. Personally, it's sweet enough for me, so I don't add any.
• Uh, this kinda stinks. Turn on your overhead fan  on your stove if you have one. Oh, and don't hover over the pan, otherwise you will end up wearing eau de balsamic vinegar. Nah, that has never happened to me or anything. I just heard about this tip from someone else. : )

Should yogurt require instructions?

After a weekend of too much food (not stellar choices) and about 2 or maybe it was 20 :) adult beverages, I am back on the wagon. I feel sluggish and "fluffy", but I expected to from all the crap I consumed. Nope, I didn't get on the scale. I just got up and went to bootcamp bright and early, I will get back to making more healthy food choices than not, and I will cut out adult beverages (during the week anyway).

I do think I've gained some weight in the past 3 weeks. My teeter totter just got a little off balance. I don't feel as lean and a skirt that fits well (as in no spare room at all) feels a bit snug. But I am sticking with where I want to be in maintenance at this point and not getting on the scale. I know what I need to do to get the fluff off and will just tip the teeter totter the other way for a bit without any extreme action or freak out. And honestly, it feels good, really good...and weird to say that too! Now for some thoughts on yogurt...

I think Fage is the best Greek yogurt on the market. Yep, it's expensive, but many times I can find it on sale and I just load up. I grew up on Greek yogurt so "normal" yogurt is runny to me and grosses me out. I have been excited about the Greek yogurt hype as it has made it readily available without having to go to a "special" store. Drum roll for the whammy....

BUT I HATE the fruit thing!!! Seriously, I can't get all the fruit out and it's a pain in the a$$ to mix in to the yogurt in that little side thing. I guess it's the purist attitude that the yogurt maintains it's integrity and all that, but seriously??? And guess what? I am such an idiot I didn't even realize that you were supposed to pour the fruit from one side to the other. Was I the only one?

OK maybe I am, but it doesn't work well---at least for me, so maybe it's user error, but I don't think so. And I am still left scraping the fruit out and trying to mix it in the other side. And get this, look at the side of the container. There is a "suggestion" to "Please Do Not Stir". Have you tried the fruit alone? It's sweet---too sweet for me to have a glob with the yogurt unmixed.

And one more rant - why does it seem that the "exotic" flavors are in 0% fat and the "standard" are in 2%? I don't want blueberry something or other, I just want blueberry dang it!

I feel so much better now that I'm off to get one from the fridge. : )

Dear Social Media Fage Person:
If you happen to be reading this, please note my email address is on the right ---->.
I'd be happy to publish your response to my feedback.

Life & Stuff

While my life isn't really "a dashing and bold adventure" (shocking, I know!) the last two weeks have been very hectic for me---work, my husband's work obligations, social obligtations...just stuff. I was able to get in 3 bootcamps last week, but it looks like it will only be 2 this week. I'm not sweating it (obviously - ha), but it does put me a bit off kilter eating and stress wise. This weekend is our wedding anniversary, so we're trying to figure out what we are going to do for that. I'm planning to get back into my normal routine next week---including posting. Life happens, right? Until then, I want to wish everyone a happy:

Canada Day

Creative Ice Cream Flavors Day

International Joke Day
I Forgot Day
World UFO Day
Build A Scarecrow Day - first Sunday in month
Compliment Your Mirror Day
Disobedience Day
Stay out of the Sun Day
Independence Day (U.S.)
National Country Music Day
Sidewalk Egg Frying Day

(These are all holidays between July 1-4 that I found listed on the internet. That has to make them real, right?)