The Reluctant Commenter

This morning I officially diagnosed myself - yes, on the Internet - with Comment Reluctance. I read a zillion blogs, which really is only a bit of an exaggeration, through reader. I'll read posts and think: I've felt that, I had that struggle, Oooo - I found this worked, heck - I'd probably try this, wow - that's impressive, hey - look how far s/he has come, etc. etc. And you know what? I am reluctant to post a comment. Seriously.

I start thinking - who cares what I have to say, what if I offend s/he, what if I come off as a "know-it-all", does a one word comment really matter, the dreaded - will s/he think I am only posting to get a follower? etc. Well, today I am officially OVER IT! I realized this morning while reading Michelle's post on her blog that it's great she is really liking exercise and that I had a couple ideas she could try for the mild heartburn she is having and you know what? I put them in her comments. I realized that if nothing else she'll know I'm reading and she might: feel good as a result of getting a comment or even find a nugget of info to try out.

My thinking is pretty stupid really. Especially when one of the things I have said in my blog is that five years ago when I was banded there were very few blogs and the blogs were from people starting out like me. So, I'm kinda proliferating that in a way if I am thinking "stuff", but keeping in the shadows and not sharing my perspective/thoughts.

I am a work in progress as there unfortunately is no magic pill, but I'm going to work on putting the reluctance aside and assuming that when I do comment that the reader knows that even if the comment lacks eloquence that I have commented out of the best of intent: to help, share knowledge, and support.

BTW - (1) If you don't follow Michelle, go ahead and do so! (2) To each and every one of you that has commented on my blog, THANK YOU for not being a Reluctant Commenter! I do appreciate each and every one of them and the comments are what prompted me to start thinking more about this!

No Matter How Much I Lose...

I am going to look big next to a $martCar. I decided to randomly go into someone's garage and have my husband snap a picture of me next to it. Believe me??? OK, me either, but that's my new car!

Working from home has greatly reduced how much I drive. It was time for a new car, but I couldn't think of anything and why spend a bunch of money on a car that sits in the garage? I had to have something though that I wasn't going to be pissed driving. I drive a nice car now and if I switched to a cheap one that wasn't cute/fun to me I knew I was going to be pissed off every time I got in it. I know pretty stupid, but I had to be honest about it for my sake and his. This car pretty much cracks me up. That's a good thing. Everytime I go to get into it I smile! What more do you need?

Fake TOTM

So, I have fake periods. I can't really remember if I ever blogged about this. But since I had my hysterectomy (kept ovaries), I have what I call a fake period. At first I thought it was in my mind, but it seemed to keep happening and my doctor confirmed it during my last checkup. Which reminds me I am supposed to be taking primrose oil daily. I suck at daily stuff, but probably should reconsider because of what follows...

I am band lazy. I eat band portions, but 98% of the time I don't have to worry too much about bite size and chewing because I have so little in my band. And I don't mean that I take a huge bite, but a reasonable bite with reasonable chewing. I kinda thought I felt a bit tight and should have listened to my brain when it said that. Anyway, I went on my merry way and at dinner time something just didn't sit with me right and something got stuck. I could tell that I was super irritated from this so I spent a day on liquids and a day on mushy to give my tummy a break.

So the moral of the story for me is to LISTEN to myself, but it also shows no matter how far you are out on your journey you can still experience some bumps.

Looks like the Boobs had a lot of fun! I can't wait to see more pictures and you girls looked great in those shirts at the race!!!!

Polar Round Up for last week:

• 8 hours 24 mins
• 4486 cals

You Just Have to Laugh

Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself. Sometimes it even is out loud. I experienced that this morning when I got back from bootcamp and looked in the mirror. I thought, "Man, what's up with my shorts?". Upon further inspection, I figured out that indeed they looked weird...Cause I had put them on and worn them INSIDE OUT!

For a brief second I wondered if anyone noticed, and then I realized I ddin't care. And what good would it have been for anyone to tell me if they did notice? Not like I had a place to switch them around and honestly who cares? I'm there to workout not put on a fashion show. Dang, maturity (a.k.a. getting older) sometimes pays off.

Thanksgiving Day Race?

Here in Dallas there is a 5K and an 8 mile race that takes place on Thanksgiving day. When I first moved to Texas, I had participated in the 8 mile race each year. Then depression, fat, etc. so I stopped. This year I am considering starting up the tradition again. The 5K honestly would not be worth the effort and hassle of going downtown on Thanksgiving where there will be over 40K people in attendance, so it's the 8-mile race or bust.

I asked my hubby if he wanted to do it with me and his response was, "Who will be chasing me? 'Cause that's the only way I'll be going 8 miles." Which I found pretty funny actually. He'll do the 5K though if I decide to do the race.

Why am I hesitant? (1) I'm not really sure what is happening for Thanksgiving yet (did you realize it's about 10 weeks away?? Can you believe it???) and (2) I'm kinda scared. I know I can do it---as in finish, even if I have to walk. I am just worried about a totally pathetic finish time. My "worst" time to date is under 80 mins. And while I know all that matters is finishing, it still makes me hesitant. Honestly, I just need to GET OVER IT!

I'm a bit concerned that my weekly mileage is not really setting me up so well for an 8 mile race because boot camp will remain my focus. So, I might do a 10K in October and see how that goes. Who knows. I'm rambling and at this point no decisions have been made.

I hadn't weighed in a while---maybe not even since I returned from vacation, but the good news is I'm still within my weight range.

Polar Round Up for last week: Whoa - I didn't realize it was this much!

• 7 hours 53 mins
• 4565 cals

My Name is Fluffy and I am a Shoe Whore...

O-M-G, I love shoes. Seriously. Love, love, love. Unfortunately (hubby would say fortunately), I have a weird size foot and normal width shoes are challenging. Luckily I am too cheap to spend hundreds of dollars on a single pair of shoes, but if I win PowerBall watch out people!! (And, I will buy a pair for each and every follower! Don't get too excited, I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning.)

Anyway, I absolutely fell in love with a pair of shoes and they weren't horrendously expensive. So today at lunch, I went and got them. It's hard to tell if they fit well enough because I want them so badly. As long as I don't wear them outside, they can be returned. I brought them home and immediately put them on for a trial run.

OK, no big deal right? Um, well I pretty much work from home, so I threw them on with what I had on for work today. See below...

Oh and I don't have a full length mirror, hence the gymnastics to get a picture. And of course I had to provide a close up so you could have some mighty shoe envy (um yah, my arch is a little high as well, ignore that --- look at the shooooeeee)....oh and have you seen the boots this season???

Recognizing My Behavior

I need to write this down for me so that I can think about it more and come back to it at some point. When I look at the pics that I took in this post - I seriously think I look big. And nope, I am not looking for people to tell me that isn't the case (I'll explain further), but please know that I was sincerely touched by the comments that were left on that post. So, thank-you.

I know that what I am thinking/feeling is pretty illogical really and dysmorphic sounding, but it's true. When I look at my clothes as an object, such as getting them out of the dryer I seriously look at them quite often and think they look super small and wonder if they have shrunk and if I am going to be able to fit in them. And then, when I go to put them on, they fit and I am instantly relieved (uh, isn't that kinda PSYCHO?!). And at times, I look in the mirror -- dressed in these very same clothes -- and think wow you look big. Not really fat per se, but big. Uh, hello? You were just looking at the clothes thinking how small they looked???? (Again, I am red flagging myself here.)

What makes this stranger to me is that when I started this journey I had no aspiration to get to the size I am currently---heck even the weight I currently am. None at all. I was this size in college and figured it was in my past and I was totally fine with that---I was living going forward and not in the past and wanted to be comfortable in my skin and clothes. My real goal was simply to get to a consistent size 8.

So what happened? Hell if I know...HA! In pondering this now, I got to goal and was doing fine, but then I wanted to be fitter. Healthier and stronger---I wanted my chicken arms to have some muscle and strength. I was running and doing other gym workouts, but didn't feel fit. So that was my goal, but as I have worked at it (and frankly enjoyed it - as much as I bitch I realize in off weeks from bootcamp how much I miss it!) it has resulted in additional changes. (Feeling fitter and stronger overall, mus-cles, etc.). Maybe not necessarily a lot of weight loss, maybe further shrinking in size (body shifting as I like to call it)---my theory there increased muscle and decreased body fat, etc., but further changes.And believe me, I am not complaining about that - I am more flagging myself and thinking "What the hell is your problem-o?"

When I was going to a counselor, I got the dysmorphic diagnosis---the you are a whack job and part of your problem is you see yourself no matter what size you are as bigger than you really are. I am using my tools - look at the clothes, take pictures of myself and look at them, etc. but am finding that I am still fighting this demon. This doesn't mean that I am going to try to lose more weight or workout more---cause I'm not. I am just bothered that I am feeling this way---and I think the pictures actually kinda triggered more thinking about it as I feeling sick and blah, the bumps with hubby, etc. which is also adding to my frustration!

Anyway, since I use my blog as a journal of my journey. (HA - say that 10 times fast!) I decided it was important that I put this out here to come back and reread in a couple weeks when I am feeling better and if I can figure out more of what is going on with me. I'm not interested in more counseling. I know the problem, I have the tools, and I recognized and acknowledged what is going on. I was also told that I would likely have it come up now and again and it's expected, but that I am supposed to use the tools and techniques that I learned to manage it. I'm just frustrated is all...and hell, probably worn out too. :)

Bright side: I've acknowleged and recognized the behavior (hell, even journaled!), pulled out my tools, (kicked myself in the ass and slapped myself upside the head), and I am going to keep on keepin' on. It's just part of the journey, right? : )

Resolution?

First let me start by thanking everyone for their kind comments and/or virtual hugs. I really appreciated it as I was feeling very much alone. For anyone that has read Men are from Mars / Women are from Venus, you will know what I mean by "cave". The morning of my post I had asked him to please go into his cave and come back when he had worked through it. I find this very hard to do as a female because I am the let's just keep talking about it, but like most guys he wants to go off and think or whatever guys do.

Anyway, I took Dinnerland's advice and called Dr. Laura...definitely a creative idea, Dinnerland, and made me smile. I actually am a big supporter of counseling. I've had a bunch myself.and since being married we have also gone to counseling. It's one of the pluses about being older I guess --- no problem admitting that help is needed. We're both very set in our ways and needed some perspective and tools on how to better communicate. The problem is that there is no *magic* that happens and it takes time, effort, and mis-steps to implement the changes.

Overall, I thought we had been doing very well, but I guess he thought otherwise. Anyway, I let him go and do his thing. It was hard and I was miserable, but it was the right thing to do. When he did exit his cave, we had a good conversation. Summary - he wants to remain married and continue to work through this. We discussed what we could do that would help each other and also talked about some of the things in counseling that would help us as well. Only time will tell, but I'm optimistic based on him also saying that he could appreciate the perspective about the bar being set too high, etc.

I'll apologize in advance for posting responses to the comments here...

• Grace - Thanks for the kind words. For some reason I am having a hard time seeing your blog contents? The header comes up, but not the posts? Hopefully it's just me.
• Jody - Appreciate the feedback that you too had/have ups and downs with Frank. My hope for you is that balance has been very much toward the ups which from your blog it sounds like it has. I hope that you have reunited with your Polar and your positive outlook is going your way!
• Elisabeth - I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing similar challenges. I tried to see if I follow or read your blog, but for some reason I couldn't figure out what it is. Please let me know if you have a chance. I love how you said "moving on with grace and strength". In or out, I plan to take that path, but had not thought of a way to sum it up so nicely.
• Island bandit - I just did a drive by of your blog, but only to see the post on insurance. Insurance sucks! I sure hope that you get the answers your are seeking and sure seems to me that approval is imminent (fingers crossed) with perseverance! Thanks for the nomination on the award and I'll be watching to see how things go for you. Please let me know if you have any questions along the way.
• Dinnerland - I wasn't kidding. I did laugh from your 2nd comment, but seriously in a GOOD way. And heck you came back when I know you are busy to come back and post that after the 1st comment you left. Thanks so much for that. (I know you can make your birthday goal!)
• Kerri - Thank you! I have got to get caught up on your journey, but WAY TO GO! What a major milestone! Congratulations on making it into the 2's. The 1's are in your future!

So as far as my journey, I did weigh myself at some point (I know it's strange isn't it that I'm not obsessed by the scale!?!) and I'm within my range (132-136lbs), so all is good on the weight front. Polar Round Up for last week:

• 4 hours 40 mins
• 2764 cals  

Sometimes I wonder...

Did I do the right thing by getting married? Is it normal for it to feel at times like it's a roller coaster? Did I make a mistake? Would I have been better off without him? I know I love him, but is that enough? I'm not so sure he truly loves me at this point vs. his desire not to fail at being married. (Heaven forbid! What would his parents think?)

When I married him, it was for the long haul for me. I knew there would be ups and downs and disagreements. I felt where I set the bar for success was reasonable and attainable. We had talked about this before we got married and honestly at the time it seemed like we were on the same page.

Strangely, I seem to be finding out that he has a fairy tale view of what being married should be like: always getting along, laughing all the time, etc. He has set the bar so high we cannot achieve it. I am just being realistic. It's life - it's not all this sugar plum Cinderella crap. He has set the bar is too high. It's unrealistic and unattainable. If he is not open to "re-setting" the bar to a realistic level this will not work.

If I have to, I can accept this not working. He will have to make the call though. What I don't like is the roller coaster. Yes, no, yes, no. That and hell I got married at 40. I had a very nice single life before getting married. ALL of that was given up by me. My house, etc. And yes, you could make the same argument for him, but it's honestly not the case. He got the house he wanted (I made a lot of compromises) and guess what? He still has his house from before we are married - it's just rented at the moment. It makes me frustrated and feel unsettled. If this doesn't work, I don't want the house we live in. Yet where the hell do I go? An apartment???? That makes me mad.

Whatever happens, I have always made it through the hard stuff. I will again this time. That's what strong women do. I don't "need" a man. I wanted a partner.

It's been an ugly few days.

The Blahs

Everyone gets them and I have also been diagnosed with "The Blahs". Isn't it funny how easy it is to get out of a routine (one that has good benefits---strangely I have no problems with "bad" routines) and hard to get back into it? I did make it to bootcamp this morning and yesterday morning, but with not feeling 100% and having all these drugs in my system, I'm not gonna lie it's a struggle. No worries, I am going to push through - cause ultimately I feel better after doing it and feel more centered / balanced (OK - less nutty, and dare I say *itchy!)

So I decided that I needed to do something to help a bit. I got out the biggest pair of jeans that I had saved. They are size 18w and full of stretch. Honestly, I could not even fit into them until I had lost about 20 lbs and what I was wearing at the time really wasn't fitted (that I can recall) so I just kept this pair of jeans. Anyway, first I compared them to a new pair of bermuda's that I recently got (and absolutely love!)...

Then I figured what the hell. Let's put these puppies on and see what they look like and take some crappy and somehow weirdly iridescent pictures (sorry). At this point I can even put myself into one leg of the pants. It's kinda freaky...

I can't say that I suddenly was all gung ho, but it did remind me of how far I've come. I need make the time to do a before/after thing as well. It has been a number of years since I've done that.