Success!

The birthday was a success! We went out to a fancy restaurant and hubby had half a cow (that's the pic with the two round, extremely healthy, butter discs on it). I ordered a filet which for some reason I neglected taking a picture of, but yet I got a picture of all the booze - go figure. We also had caesar salad, which I would have preferred that they cut up for me, and some lobster macaroni and cheese. For dessert, we ordered some handmade truffles which were also just OK.

So, restaurant wise, I thought the food was OK. We definitely thought that it was an "experience" meal, but not a place we plan on going to again because we felt it was too expensive for the quality of what we had. It just didn't live up to my expectations, BUT we had a great time. We had an intimate booth and just enjoyed the time together. It was romantic and just loads of fun. So that made it all worth it.

Last week was definitely a week of food, food, and more food. Between the meetings I had for work which are always foodfests and the birthday celebration, I definitely ate more than a normal week. But when I look back at what I chose to eat, I really didn't do too poorly overall. Unlike the birthday meal where everything was very decadent, I made better choices the rest of time. Overall, I am very happy with how I navigated through it and that I just didn't eat everything in sight (there was plenty of oh so band friendly high calorie slider food!).

Unfortunately bootcamp was cancelled a couple days last week and I had a bad run on Wednesday. My tummy was NOT happy. I had to come home. I know what it was though - just too much food that I am just not used to eating. Not volume per se as I tried to keep to bandster portions, but in richness.

I still have not weighed this year. I thought about it last week and decided that it was crazy. Eating high sodium, etc. - why am I going to weigh in and freak out? Which for me leads to a lot of stress and other crap. I put on my dress slacks and they fit fine - so forget it. Plus I wore a tight skirt with a form fitting sleevelss top on Friday. When my hubby saw me, he looked at me and said, "you look hot". What more does a girl really need than that?!

Last Week's Plan

Monday – BC / 3 miles (3)
Tuesday – BC
Wednesday – BC / 4 miles (2.33 major tummy issues! Had to cut it short)
Thursday – BC was cancelled : (
Friday – BC was cancelled : (
Saturday - 6 miles (6)
Sunday – OFF

Calories: 2762...The () is actual mileage.

Wrong bag

It's my hubby's birthday this weekend. He has been away all week. A week or so ago, I went and bought a bag that I knew he wouldn't like and then asked questions about traveling bags. I knew he'd want one with wheels, which this one didn't have, so I let out a big sigh and said to him that I better show him what I bought so I can go ahead and return it. I showed it to him and no surprise, it wasn't what he wanted. I returned it that same day. He told me not to worry about getting him anything for his birthday, that it was just Christmas, he doesn't need anything, etc.

Well, little did he know, but I was messing with him! I've had his gift for a while. I'm excited to give it to him and since he's been traveling this week he'll be coming home to a few other surprises. He's been mentioning a particular restaurant for a few months and I kept just pushing it off...because that's where we're going to dinner tomorrow night. Tee hee.

Now, if I can just figure out what to wear...

That's it???

I was thinking that some might stumble across detail of my plan and think that I'm not running enough to train for a half. Why? Cause I looked at it initially and I said, "This is all I have to run????" "Am I going to be able to do it with this little (and not die)?" I did get my plan from a runner. She's run over 4 marathons (not sure how many) and too many halfs to even count.

I am by no means qualified to make up a running plan, there are many available on line, but if you look at them they are pretty much all running. I have bootcamp 5 days a week---it's too intense to do it and a running plan like what can be found.

So here's what she told me: A good plan is made up of some speed training, strength training, runs, and long runs. I go to bootcamp 5 days a week. The camp provides the speed and strength training (and explains why my mile, 5K, etc. speed has improved). Then I have two runs a week and a long run on the weekend. She considers me to have a quality base at this point.

My goal is to finish and finish comfortably---no records here. I don't want to hate this half. I just want to do it and check the box as part of my overall banded journey.

All this being said, if I don't get enough quality sleep, the thought of an evening run is torture. My plan is really run Mon, Wed, and Sat. The good news is there's some flexibility in this plan. I need to get the 3 runs in. She doesn't want me doing them in a row, but I can move them around as needed.

Let's take today as an example, I had commitments that meant that I was getting a maximum of 5 hours of sleep Mon and Tues night. This morning it was hard to get up and go to bootcamp. Really hard. I wanted to just stay in bed, but I got up and went. But this afternoon, the 4 mile planned run - it just was not happening. I was exhausted and I was going to hate every minute of it. Thankfully, I'll get a full night's sleep tonight. So I moved this run to tomorrow.

Wanna run a 5K, 10K, 15K, half, or full marathon? With a good plan, you can do it! Scared? Guess what, I personally think that's totally normal! Don't have a runner friend? Concerned about an online plan? Look to see if there's a running store in your area. If so, drop by and see what you can find out. You might find out that there is some free "social" runs to participate in or a training class that you can join and then have a coach to help you get to your goals.

You never know, you might find yourself turning into F0rrest Gump, remember this?

That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great state of Alabama. And that's what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.

Wish is a Four Letter Word

I was cooling down from my long training run on Saturday when this lady I had passed previously said to me, "I wish I had your energy." Even after all this time, I get taken off guard and am not quite sure what to say. I ended up saying something like, I've been working at it for some time. She said in return that she'd like to get there. I said to her that you honestly can get there and we chatted about how.

• Showing up is 51% of the battle. I think it's more than half the battle to get to your workout. I think of all the reasons (excuses) why I can't (don't want to workout) and I can come up with plenty! Think about it, who really drags themself to a workout, gets there, and then turns around and goes home????
• Have the right equipment for your activity of choice. For example, walking really isn't "just walking". Longer distances, faster pace, etc. really does require good shoes. Shoes with the right fit and right support for you. Make sure the rest of your clothes are comfortable and you are dressing for the weather in layers.One other thing I didn't share, but I think is important. - protect "the girls"! Get a good sports bra.
• Don't overdo it. No one is going to get out there the first day and run a long distance. If you do, you will hate it and you will feel sore as crap. Consider trying a program such as c to 5K. Personally, I started with time. I said I will walk X amount of time regardless of the distance covered and went from there.
• Consistency is key. All the other pointers contribute to consistency. If you show up, are comfortable, and don't overdo it (so you don't hate it), you will be consistent. Does that mean everyday? Nope. It doesn't even mean 6 days a week or even 5. Figure out what is realistic and do it. (I suggest starting out with 3 days a week increasing to 5 days over time).
• Change "I wish" to "I can". Wish is a four letter word. I believe that unless there is something that physically prevents a person from achieving a weightloss or fitness goal that it's possible. You just have to want it, do the work, and believe (I can do it!) . Hell, I am trying to take my own advice on this one in regard to the half marathon! If I don't think I can do it, I guarantee that I won't be able to!

That made me think of something else, I read frequently on blogs "I hate exercise". Honestly, I don't think people "hate exercise", I think they hate what they are doing or possibly it's one of the other things I've talked about that's contributing to these feelings.

If you find yourself hating the activity, try another one! Keep on trying different ones until you find one you like. Oh, and one other thing, please consider hanging in there for a while on whatever you choose. Anything that is "new" or "hard" is going to take a bit of time (Are you thinking: "I can't do this?" If so, knock it off!!!!). Give whatever you choose a couple weeks and you might surprise yourself and find yourself thinking "I kinda like this!" "I can do this!" or some other thought that may take you off guard....off guard in a good way!

And on a band note, it's a tool, a piece of equipment, but the rest of it is up to you. If you think about it, these items can be skewed a bit and apply. Believing in yourself, consistency, etc.

Thanks for the chat to the lady on the trail and I hope to see you out there again!


Last Week's Plan

• Monday – OFF (Holiday & I enjoyed it!)
• Tuesday – BC / 3 miles (3.4)
• Wednesday – BC
• Thursday – BC / 4 miles (4)
• Friday – BC
• Saturday - 5 miles(5.25)
• Sunday – OFF

Calories: 4110...The () is actual mileage

My Office Mate

For the most part, I am lucky that I work from home - no commute, no makeup, reduces clothing budget, more productive, and many other things! Anyway, sometimes that means I start work at butt-crack-thirty and at times I'll plan in one room before I go to my office. My office mate was very active today and she was very very busy. I had to take some pictures.

Hey, let me help you with that. You aren't doing it right!

Oh, let me get a better look at that. What do you mean you can't type?

BREAK TIME!

Back to work!

BREAK TIME! (Notice now in a different position)

You need a lot of supervision! I have my eye on you!

Safety first! Security patrol.

I'm not sure what my office mate was up to after this point, but I am sure she was very busy the rest of the day!

Yesterday's training run was C-O-L-D! The temperature was 29, which is not bad for most areas in January, but it was the wind that was the killer! It was something ridiculous like 11 with the windchill. But I told myself you HAVE to get this run in. There are only 3 training runs a week and no way to move this run because I also have to have a day of rest. Bright sides: it was dry, I have warm clothes, and I did it. And, as usual, I was glad I did it...after it was over!

I tried to view my training schedule on my last post and realized it's super hard to read. I'm going to have to work on an alternate way of recording it so I can go back and check it out.

My New BFF

I had heard people say how great foam rollers are, including the a$$kicker at bootcamp, but figured my stretches were good enough. Some days I am sore, but not miserable sore, just I've worked out sore. Yesterday I got an instant cash coupon in the mail for 15 bucks to a local athletic store and figured I could make a 10 buck investment to find out what was sooooo great about this foam thing. My hubby went with me and said, "I bet we can get that same thing at H0me Dep0t for 5 bucks" (funny guy, huh?). So, while watching tv last night I just rolled away. I even got hubby to try it out. Well, this morning after 8 billion swings and my training run yesterday, not a lick of soreness. My foam roller is my new bff. Got foam roller?

Sucking it Up!

I honestly have started the year feeling a bit blah. I can't quite put my finger on why. Weather? Job? I have no idea. I've hit the point that I just don't care to try and figure it out anymore and am just moving on to "sucking it up".

I turned down the new job. That position is setup to fail. It was a very difficult decision as passing up on any role can have a negative impact on your career progression. I explained what I thought were the challenges of the role and how I thought they could be addressed and thanked them for the opportunity. Don't you worry though, I still mentioned in all of that I was looking for a promotion! ; ) I won't be holding my breath though, I am honestly very very thankful to have a job I mostly enjoy and work for someone that respects me and my work.

I have not been reading blogs either! Good grief!

So, in the whole sucking it up theme, I am posting my training plan. I might have to modify it now and then because of things going on, but I still need to get the mileage in for the week. I need to see if I can force my own hand and sign up for the race. In the meantime, to help with my accountability, I am going to go ahead and post my plan with strikethroughs/changes as the weeks go on. Wish me luck!...or just kick me in the butt now and then if you don't see anything.

My favorite number: 11

11 has always been my favorite number. It was always the number I had in the sports I played and I HAD to have that number. Today is a really cool day, but not only cause it is 1-1-11 (oh, and yes, 11:11 on the clock is also my favorite)...I had said that I was going to say something about my job, well I started that conversation and it seems that I might have a new job...go figure.

I'm honestly in shock more than anything - and not in a bad way. You know how you have those talks now and then in your head and you plan it all out cause you are sure if you don't you are going to massively screw it up? Yep, I spent an entire day of conversations of how it could go with me raising the concerns that I head. I barely got started and this was never one of the scenarios. Anyway, I'm one of those put it in writing people, so who knows.

I have a training plan. A training plan for a half marathon, SIGH. I AM GOING TO SUCK IT UP AND DO IT! I want to talk to my "coach" before I sign up as I am considering a pace team and want to get her thoughts on it. I plan to knock that out tomorrow. Then I am going to bite the bullet. And ya know what is stupid? I have done one before. It was one of those things - "I am going to do a marathon by the time I'm 30" deals for me. I hated the half and decided I never needed to do a marathon unless I was in a car.

My goal is to finish the half. No time requirements, nothing. My friend is convinced this is where I went wrong. I was set on a time and come hell or high water I was going to do it. As a result, I was gutting it out and I HATED it. So, that's right. No completion TIME, just to finish. Stay tuned and please plan on beating the hell out of me if I do not get a half marathon in, because I will NOT have a valid excuse. (This is another reason I am putting this all out here today. I won't have to think very hard about where this post is when I need to give myself a kick in the ass. So for future reading: QUIT MAKING EXCUSES AND JUST DO IT!)

Crap!

So, I did my 5K on Saturday. My goal was to enjoy the 5K. I just went with the flow and finished in under 28 mins. WOW, was I shocked! Honestly, I wasn't pushing it. When I got close and saw what my finish time could be I was shocked. My fitness has seriously gone through the roof from bootcamp.

The crap? Uh, I "misplaced" (lost!) my transmitter for my Polar. It's the thingy that snaps on to the strap and works with the watch to give the heart rate. OOOOPPPS! I have continued to look high and low for it, but I think it could be gone. That little sucker costs half of what a new Polar costs! I am pissed at myself. I am going to wait a week or so and see if I can find it. I am guessing that my hubby will suggest me wearing my Garmin instead. Which is fine for a run, but not for bootcamp. It's just too dang big. *sigh* (Oh, and if anyone has seen my transmitter - or has a spare that they want to give me (ha) - please email me!)

And as a grand finale...SNOW in Texas. Pictures to prove it!!!

And it continues...

Nope, I did not win MegaMillion$, but two lucky people shared the big prize. I remain behind and have started the new year with a bad attitude about my job. I am going to have to figure out how to navigate through it stat! Otherwise, I am concerned it could get worse and go into other areas (more important areas too!) in my life. I have a meeting on Monday with my boss and plan to have my areas of concern PC'd by then. Ah well, can't think about it too much, cause honestly it's just not worth it. It will work out and I need to remember to focus on the things that I can change.

Anyway, bootcamp was good last week, but my Polar was acting up. It just kept dropping the heart rate. I actually broke down and READ the manual and am trying all the things that it says. I am thinking that my rinsing of the band may not have been enough to clean it after 7-8 months. Not sure.

Embarrassing, but true, the decorations are almost down, but one room remains. It will be finished this weekend, but then the cleaning starts to try and get up all the damn glitter. Hubby was nice about that though and said why don't we just have someone come in and clean the house to take care of it so you don't have to. So, unless I am feeling it, I might just do that.

I am still feeling a bit fluffy in some of my clothes, but figure I'll remain away from the scale. I'm just back in maintenance mode - generally eating well and exercising. Band wise - it's just there. For me, this far out, I will just remain where I am - which was years ago at this point when there was .2 (does that even count?) - that I last knew how much fluid is in there. I will continue what I have been which is I eat band portions, but when I'm hungry, I'll just eat more.

I'm trying to think of things that I'd want to ask/know reading this (please leave things in the comments if you do want to ask something!) and come up with - well, aren't you on a diet then? And, my answer is no. Band or no band, you have to make choices. I think it's one of the things that people learn on this journey. If I had eaten crap the majority of the time, then I know I would not have gotten to where I am now (which even surpassed my original expectations - blew them away really!).

Over the years, the band has helped me develop a different relationship with food. For me, this was the key. I also rediscovered activities that I used to love and new ones that have led to a very active lifestyle. So, while I have a band, bottom line what is also there is generally good food choices and moving. Funny how that sounds exactly like someone without a band, huh? And, I also am a firm believer that this was not an easy way out. It was a ton of work mentally and physically. Ooooo, getting on a soapbox, please if you want to know something though, please ask and don't be shy. I can remember when I started my journey wanting to ask questions, but there wasn't anyone out there that had the band a long time to ask!

I'm off to a 5K! Hopefully my Polar will cooperate!

Day 4 and Behind?

Yep, that's me. Behind. That's how I'm starting 2011, but probably the most important thing is: I don't care. Seriously, I am continuing my work on balance. Not sweating the things that don't really matter - or maybe "matter", but I need to put into a better, more balanced perspective. So a list of random crap...

• I have 1000 unread posts in my Reader. I haven't been on the computer for pleasure in weeks. Weird.
• Work does not own me. I have proven that this holiday season. I worked reasonable hours and took time off. You know why? Because it didn't matter. Spending time with family and friends mattered. I prioritized and focused on the important stuff and got what had to be done, done. Go figure.
• I worked out my 4 times a week goal for the holidays, but I also ate whatever I wanted and enjoyed the season. I do think I gained some weight as my jeans are a bit tight, but I am the only one that notices (self, read and repeat - I am the only one that notices). This doesn't mean that I am not back on track with better choices and working out, it just means that there is a little bit of fluff, but it's temporary. (The scale is NOT the boss of me!)
• My Christmas decorations are only partially down. Yep, I'm behind. Oh well, by the end of the upcoming weekend everything will be put away.
• I am running a 5K this weekend. My goal is a bit different. My goal is to slow down. Strange, huh? Well my buddy has told me that I need to work on slowing down to finish a half marathon more comfortably. So that's what I am going to do. Oh, the half marathon comment? Uh yep, doing one. Don't know when, but this year doing one. (My BC buddy is doing TWELVE this year. Yep, 12, so I figured my lame ass could do one.)
• Wild hogs are a problem in Texas. Seriously. And, I am not just talking about the country or fondly referred to as the sticks. Also, since I am on a "wild" bullet, it's Opossum, not possum. Just sayin'
• I got really cool stuff for Christmas. A kettlebell (YAH!), a Garmin (I'll have to post more on that), a NEW Kindle, boxing mitts (cool ones that are more like gloves that hopefully my partner at BC can't knock them off as easily!), and some other stuff that I'm not remembering at the moment. Yep, me = spoiled.
• Biggest L0ser Couples starts tonight. There is a contestant (dude) that is 650lbs...yikes!

Oooo, Mega Million$ is like 8 bajillion dollars (OK, like $330 million) tonight. I have to go get a ticket! Gotta go!

Kindness and Massive FAIL!

I was out plodding along this morning, listening to music, and really enjoying my jog. I started thinking about recent trends in posts and what came to mind is how we are unkind to ourselves. Self flagellation really.

It's the holidays and I think it's fair to say that they somewhat (well at least here in the US) revolve around food. I am done feeling bad or guilty or whatever for eating a treat now and then. Just not going to do it. So I thought I'd jot down some of the strategies I have that I use to really keep this negative crap at bay.

The basics:

• On the day of the event, I eat like I normally would. I don't cut back on meals or whatever as it will lead to feeling more hungry at the event.
• During the holidays there is always "something" that comes up that gets in the way of exercising. Shopping, events, whatever. There is just a lot of stuff going on and everyone is busy. I set a goal of the number of times that I would exercise per week for the holidays. I then workout in the mornings. Period. Get it in and done. If I don't, it's easy to talk myself out of it. And, honestly, what else do I have to do at 5am in the morning other than sleep? ;)
• I make sure that I wear something that I am comfortable in when I go. I think this means something different to everyone. For me, it's something that I feel good in. Both in how it looks and how it fits.

The food:

I decide before I go what I am having. Huh? OK, I don't know what they will be serving, but here's what I do.

• Buffet - I am having 6 whatevers. (Savory, sweet, whatever - I get 6 - or some number.).
• Sit down dinner - I will eat a bit or two of everything on my plate. If something is super good, then I'll have more of that. And yep, I'm having dessert. I'll have a bite or two to determine if it's really really good. If it is, I enjoy what I want (even if *SHUDDER* it's the entire thing). If it isn't, I don't eat it because it's there or because I feel I have to. Bottom line, I don't. This took time to learn for me. The "rude" aspect of potentially insulting the host, etc. But I got over it, when/if I get a comment about how much (or little) I am eating, I just rave about how delicious it is and say that I'm full from the prior course. It has worked well so far!
• Drinks - I'll have 2 maximum.

Interestingly what I have found is that I actually eat less. Not because I have to, I feel guilty, or anything, just that I don't want to. Notice that I didn't say "can" have. I said I "am" having. It might be a minor distinction, but for me it makes a difference. I am trying to eliminate this "can" / "can't" / "good" / "bad" mentality.

But then, there's the major FAIL! That's right, no pictures. I am a TOTAL weirdo. I took a pic when I was getting ready on Friday and it started messing with my head and not in a good way. "Uh, it looks like THAT" and other crap like that, so I deleted the picture and said "screw it". Obviously, I still have work to do in this area and wanted to take a pic on Saturday, but we were running late and it just didn't happen. Oh well, if we do something for NYE, I'll try again...or maybe Christmas---Santa brought me a new pair of boots. : ) ....loooovvveee them!!!!

Notes to Self for this Weekend

Dear Fluffy,

So what you don't know anyone other than your hubby at all these events this weekend. You WILL be fine. You have suitable clothing (hopefully!) and have nothing to feel self conscious about. Just get over yourself and have a good time. You are NORMAL and have been for some time, you are stressing out over nothing.

How about taking some pics? You have very few of you and your hubby and both of you will be dressed up. Step 1 - get your camera and pack it. And, should you forget to do this cause you are an idiot, you have a frickin' phone. So NO excuses!

Go back and look at some pics. Take your own advice and look at how far you have come. Get going. And yes, you have eaten more crap than you normally do this week and will again this weekend. Big deal! It's life and it's the holidays. It's been reasonable. Again, get over yourself. In fact, according to your Polar you worked out 6 hours, 6 minutes for 3336 calories---you got in some bonus time and not because you felt like you "had to", but just cause you felt like it!

So, to recap, take a deep breath, finish getting packed up, relax and have a good time. And, one more thing - Get Over Yourself!

Happy weekend!

Procrastinating

There are about 8 bajillion things I could be doing right now, but I don't want to do any of them. So, instead I made a few collages of various pictures of the Christmas swag around the house...dang, I might just have to do one of those bajillion things now...(After all of this, I then forgot to hit "publish". HA!)

Behind!

The holiday rush is on. Presents, parties, etc. This past weekend we had a party here at our house. I think it went well and people had a good time. This coming weekend it's parties both Friday and Saturday. I thought it would be good to catch up on logging my polar results, and also write out what I am referring to as my holiday insanity plan to ensure that I don't lose focus on myself during this time of year which is my normal tendency.

Holiday Insanity Plan

• Movement is key for me. I need the stress relief and it makes healthy choices somehow easier on days I do. Exercise goal is a minimum of 4 times per week between now and Jan 1. Anything on top of that is bonus work!
• Maintain my weight, but do not feel pressure to weigh at all if I don't want to---once a week maximum. There are too many factors that WILL create weight flux (such as salt in the food I will have to eat at the dinner events) that will temporarily artifically inflate the scale. I will focus on how my clothes are fitting!
• I will be kind to myself. The holidays ARE stressful for me. I am acknowledging and recognizing that. I will try to ask for help and support as needed from my hubby.
• I am giving myself permission to eat treats. For me giving myself permission to eat whatever I want leads to me eating less of the treats, sometimes not any at all, and lessened guilt (I am still working toward NO guilt). Proof is in the pudding and I have to remember that. I can't remember when I fully adopted this change - it must be about 10 months ago now - and it has worked. I maintained and shockingly lost more weight which I didn't expect, but quite a few books have said that this way of eating can and usually does lead to exactly what I have experienced. Go figure.

Have you thought about your holiday insanity plan?

Last week (12/8) - Polar Round Up:
Time: 4 hours 39 mins
Calories: 2663

Prior Week (11/29) Polar Round Up:
Time: 4 hours 33 mins
Calories: 2663

Fingers? What are you talking about?

The birthday weekend was great, I'll post some pics in another post. But I have to tell you about my present. My hubby had been saying for a few days when he should give me my present. So, I said, on my birthday. It went on and on, but it was pretty cute because he seemed excited? Anxious? Not quite sure.

Anyway, he gave me this wrapped box which is about a 12 inch cube and it's heavy. I think I'm getting a kettle b3ll because it was on a list of ideas. So, ooo and ahhh first that he wrapped the gift himself which I appreciated and said I don't think it's a dog, so must be a bell. He got a weird look on his face and I didn't think much of it. Well it was a dog.

Not this dog (my friend's):

But this dog which we saw in a furniture store that I thought would look cute on the corner of the desk in the office:

I started laughing because of earlier saying about a dog to find this dog statue. Meanwhile my hubby keeps saying, do you know why he has on a necklace (which he did - plastic thing)? And I said, no. His reply - cause he doesn't have any fingers. Well he just keeps repeating this. And I am thinking, what the HELL? So next thing I know he's wiggling his finger and THIS IS WHAT I SAW!!! It was still on his finger, but you get the idea. Dang, I wish I could get a better picture of it, but this will have to do.

O-M-G!!!! I can't remember if I put this in my blog or not, but when we got married I had a wedding band. No engagement ring, just a plain old tungst3n band. Why? Because I liked the idea of him getting me a big rock and when we had selected it and he was going to get it, I told him I wouldn't wear it. Yep, I just knew that a solitare would drive me nuts in the long run and I wouldn't wear it. It just wasn't "me". But I had to KNOW that he was willing to fork over the money to get me one. As soon as he was ready, it just passed because it was the "right" ring for me.

I wanted a ring that was wide and flat and sparkly. I'd go through spurts of looking, but figured one day when I wasn't looking I'd find it and sure enough. We went into a store for the fun of it and there it was.

Needless to say when he gave it to me, I was SHOCKED! It was unexpected and I cried and cried. Honestly, I had no idea that I would react this way, but I have to tell you that this ring just made me feel loved. The diamonds, right? Nope, it's stupid, but it was him sneaking around getting it, getting it resized, the creative way he gave it to me and telling me - you ALWAYS deserved a nice ring. This is long overdue and I love you...

Step awaaayyy from the decorations!

Potato peels should not go in the garbage disposal. OK, I have been putting them in a garbage disposal forever. Seriously - as long as I have ever had a garbage disposal. I may have heard you weren't supposed to, but it had not been a problem...Until the night before Thanksgiving, trust me - do NOT put potato peels down your garbage disposal. Thankfully (ha ha - Thanksgiving and all) my hubby is uber handy. He was able to fix the problem without calling a plumber. (In my defense, the drain was super clogged already which I did point out to hubby while he was working on it...quickly followed by, but I WON'T do it again. I promise.)

Once I get started on decorating for Christmas, I get out of control. Like seriously Martha St3wart outta control. I was done. Then addressed the areas that I cut corners on thinking "that will be fine". To - huh, that needs lights. Oh wait, so does that area. To the yard which then led to oooooo - the house needs lights (will be up Monday). OK, this insanity has GOT to stop! Oh, and the garland stuff - nope, no store bought assembled stuff for me. I have to make it. Here's an example:

I'll put another big long obnoxious post with more pics when I have time. I'm trying to get work wrapped up so we can leave tomorrow for our getaway weekend. Might be nice if I got around to figuring out what we will need and start packing. Oh well, at least we're driving which provides more flexibility if needed. I seriously do not feel 42 (well, technically not until the weekend). But I find myself looking in the mirror at my face trying to determine if I look 42. As if there is some way 42 is "supposed" to look? Anyway, will hit the road tomorrow and will bring a camera...

T-Week Goals Hit

Thankfully I got my 5 exercise sessions in last week, because I sure as heck kept my other promise of eating on Thanksgiving! The meal itself was pretty healthy, it was me saving room for dessert! And, boy, was it good!

I didn't weigh and don't plan on it until later in the week or maybe even the week after---who knows. Bottom line - it was one day of crap fest and I worked out plenty.

This week there should be a couple spins on my new BIKE! Hubby has been wanting us to get bikes for some time. We went to look over the weekend and there were some good sales. We were all ready to get two on Saturday and the bike guy said he would hold them and to come back on Sunday and we'd save 20% more! I had picked out a different bike and then I saw the bike that another blogger had...it was the bell that was the clincher for me! (Sorry - can't remember who it was. I guess I wasn't kidding when I commented that I hoped you didn't mind if I got one as well!)

We spent the weekend getting the house decorated. Santa has definitely puked all over the place, but we now have to do the cleaning again from putting everything up. I complained the entire time, which is typical, but then as expected I like how it looks when it's finished. It's our first year in this house for the holidays, so we are having a holiday party in a couple weeks.

This coming weekend is my birthday. We're headed to Oklahoma to stay in a cabin for the weekend, so it will only be a 4 bootcamp week this week and next unless I can get myself motivated to go to one of the night sessions to get a 5th one in. If not, no big deal and we're planning (fingers crossed on decent weather!) on doing some hiking this weekend.

Polar Round Up:
Time: 5 hours 35 mins
Calories: 3054

WIW

Thanks for the comments on the last post. Good stuff by all, so thought I'd cover off on a few things first:

Cody - Banana R3public. Fortunately I am by an outlet though. I don't usually have an issue with the rise or the length and the pants are very professional looking, but yet can be paired with other "stuff" to look cool enough for a night out. Other favorites: Ann Tayl0r L0ft and JCr3w. (I hope you are feeling better!)

Justawallflower - Believe me I am a frugal gal! I buy expensive ones rarely and wear them until they just look worn out. I am going to bet though as you continue on your downward journey that you might start getting tempted as well! And most definitely, I highly recommend at least going and trying LOTS of stuff on. : ) I'll take some pics and also the ones that I did get.

Sam - As you shrink, I think you might like shopping a bit more. (I honestly am not a fan of it and do it more out of necessity.) And, you'll also find that your options for getting bargains really expand.

Matilda - Well said! That's my thinking as well.

I figured I should figure out where I am in advance of the holiday weight wise (Weigh In Wednesday). I don't plan on weighing right after the holiday until mid-week or so the following week. I just don't think it's a good idea as the day after I KNOW I will be up weight wise. There is just no way (ha) not to be with the sodium content, etc. and why put that stress on me. I don't weigh every week any more, just now and then to see what's going on and if I'm within my range. Today was a new low, 129 lbs. I seriously got on and off that scale 5 or 6 times, but everytime the same thing. Good cushion for the holiday season, but man that sure would be weird to stay in the 2's!

Happy Thanksgiving to people here in the States. And, to each and everyone that actually stops by and reads this - THANK YOU!

How Much Would You Pay?

A number of years ago I changed my thinking on work pants / slacks. For me, spending $80 - $100 on a pair of pants that fit well while expensive wasn't really that expensive if I factored in the number of times that I was going to wear them, the style, and the quality (cause hello - if I spend $25, but they don't make it past 5 times through the laundry, did I really get a good deal?).

It's kind of like a MPG calculation, I have a DPW (dollars per wear) calculation. Now, don't get me wrong, I really prefer spending much less and am always on the lookout for a bargain. (I recently got some work slacks that are priced at some insane price like $120 for $50 with a combination of a sale and a coupon. That's how I prefer to buy them and they will last for a year easily of wearing them all the time.)

But let's talk jeans. I can get cheap jeans, but when I hit my original goal weight, I got an expensive pair. Let me tell you there is a BIG difference between cheap ones and expensive ones. I kept looking and found a pair that I put on and MAGIC! They fit like a glove, were long enough (I carry my height in my legs, not torso), and made my butt look good. Sadly, that $125 pair of jeans is now too big...(oh, and I swear they just get better looking with more washing!).

So, I'm on a hunt for a new pair, but I'm struggling a bit. (1) how much is too much to spend? But if I get a classic cut (such as not skinny) they won't go out of style and I can keep wearing them for years---it's back to DPW. So this one is really do I like them enough and do they fit well enough. Which leads me to (2), spandex is evil in my book. Period. I honestly would prefer my jeans to be without it because I want to buy a pair and KNOW that the dang things fit and are not really too big.

(OK, this is where I fess up to buying a pair of $100 jeans last month, swearing they fit, kinda feeling like they were going to be too big, freaking out about the size - uh no way, can I wear smaller, getting them, and YEP - too frickin BIG! Not horribly big, but definitely big and not "the magic" that I was seeking.)

So, I went to a Tru3 Religi0n outlet and tried some on there. I found a pair I really liked, but at the outlet, these jeans are still massive cash. And the added bonus, NO returns. You buy them, they are yours. I didn't really have 2 hours to walk around the store wearing them while I figured out how big they would get with the spandex (HA), the chick thought I should go down a size, so I left them there.

(Funny story - these jeans come in sizes like men's jeans. Which is really great, if you actually know what size you wear. I went wearing a really lovely outfit (NOT!) of a big sweatshirt and some pair of jeans I just shouldn't wear anymore. I honestly told the chick I have no idea what size I wear, but told her my dress/pants size currently (and why do I find that embarrassing?). So she said try these. I put them on and they were huge. Keep in mind this is a young girl with the next part, so I wasn't offended by what she said, she'll learn as she matures---or gets a customer that gets pissed off....so I show her so she can get an idea of how big they are and she says. "Oh, you really are the size you told me." Like I said, I just let it go. Hoenestly, who is going to LIE when you are buying a massively expensive pair of jeans?????)

I am also not totally convinced that you can't get this brand at a decent price elsewhere where I can return them, so more searching must occur. So how much? Check out the pic below. GULP! Read the tag though, it really cracked me up----they better be some special jeans at that price!!!! (How much would you spend?)

PS - Workout 2 of 5 completed.

Just logging...

I cannot believe it's Thanksgiving week! And, OMG, I cannot believe that I am hosting dinner at my house and I was supposed to have Wednesday off, but it's just not going to happen. Too much work. Yep, kinda stressing.

I am going to have a little bit of whatever I want on Thanksgiving, but I'm planning to workout 5 times this week. During the holidays it's just too easy to slip into a slump and I have some events coming up that I have to dress for. It sure wouldn't be convenient if the outfits I got to wear suddenly didn't fit!

Hear that self? 5 times, period. No excuses!!! It would be soooo easy to start making them and it's not going to happen. You LIKE the way you feel after working out and it HELPS with stress management. You WILL not feel as good if you don't.

One workout down this morning. I also have one that I planning to do Thursday morning. I find that I make better choices and eat less overall on the days that I workout. On Thanksgiving, the workout is intended to be a stress reliever and a great start to the holiday festivities (oh ok, all the eating!)

Last Week's Polar Results

• 7 hours
• 3176 calories

I actually thought the calories would be higher, but it  makes sense. The workouts last week were really more strength focused and my heart rate overall wasn't as high as it normally is for sustained periods.

Got Attitude?

The bar was there in front of me, well over my head. It was taunting me. I didn't know if the chin / pull up "threat" from the day before was going to happen or not....but I sure as hell wasn't going to ask. I had a stern discussion with myself on the way over at o'butt crack thirty that went something like:

"Knock it off. Attitude is everything. If you *think* you can't do it, well then there is no way you are going to be able to do it. Mind over matter!...And, quit obsessing because you don't even know if you will even be doing it. grumble...grumble...wish I was in bed, etc."

We did a bunch of stuff and there was plenty of hard stuff. I figure I've dodged a bullet and that bar is just going to remain where it is. "OK Ladies" - queue evil music - there's the smirk. In my head: "OH NO" and the battle ensues - "SHUT UP, you can do this. Positive. Think positive. YOU CAN DO IT!"

"Today ladies we are going to do a chin up position. You will step up and hold yourself suspended above the bar...." I pass out...no, but I am kinda tuned out and back in my head at this point. And KNOW I am going to be first. UH YEP. Good grief....I can do this, I CAN do this. It's not a chin up. It's a hold yourself up there (she's gonna hit you with the full on another day). You are 105 lbs lighter than you used to be. Focus on that."

I get up there and I DID IT. I held myself up there a long frickin' time---probably 10 years, um, no just felt like it. Until my arms were shakin' (isn't that a song?) and I hung on a bit longer and down. WHEW! But ya know what, I did it, but this is where it got interesting. There's another lady in the class that's fit ---well, there are plenty of them that are---but it's important to know that she is fit.

It's her turn to go and before she steps up she says, "I can't do this." Class responds with "yes you can" etc. But guess what? She couldn't. And I know she physically can, but her mind won out. It was truly mental.

And, I hate to say that I learned something from her challenges, but I did. It illustrated the mental game outside of myself. A different perspective - more objective somehow - because I know she has the strength to do what we did based on the other amazing things I've seen her do.

And, it's bigger than these silly little challenges I talk about here. It's this whole journey weight loss, maintenance, health/fitness...life really. Attitude is everything and especially during times when I am thinking that I can't do something or struggling. I will use my boot straps, put on my big girl panties, and soldier on by remembering I CAN do anything I set my mind to!

OMG Moment(s) (play on NSVs)

• It was 5 years since my surgery two days ago and I didn't even think a lick about it since I did the 5 year post. Go figure!
• I am almost 42!!! Yikes, like in 3 weeks. It's mind blowing to me.

Suspension What?

This week I have been doing suspension training. Oh, the asskicker is loving torturing us---you can see it in her twisted  little grin. Small crew for this workout, but O-M-G it is hard. Pike, fly, curl, one-legged burpee, mountain climbers, squat, single leg squat, plank, you name it, we did it. And more torture awaits!

The system was developed by a Navy Seal...uh, never would have guessed THAT! If you're really bored, you can watch a video on the T-R-X system by going here. The featured one "what the T-R-X in action"---It has quite a bit of what we were doing which you mainly see men doing in the video...Hmmmm...come to think of it, if you look at what the majority of the stuff that features women, it's more just stretching. What's up with that?

We are also integrating the workouts with kettleb3lls which has been a favorite of mine for a while. Seriously, I like swinging those steel(?) bells around and on a bad day I imagine that I am whacking someone with them! All my whining aside, I am really enjoying the challenge and the workouts. I have to make that really itty bitty cause I sure as hell don't want the asskicker to know!

But when I was leaving today, the asskicker said something about pull ups tomorrow. Um, excuse me? I only graduated to real full on pushups this year let alone a pull up! I don't know if she was kidding or not or if I'll be able to do it, BUT if that is her evil plan, I am going to think POSITIVELY and tell myself that I CAN do it and see what happens...Have I said I'M SCARED!!!

I think I am ebbing and flowing through some band / weight paranoia. I can recall other times that I would have this happen: wasn't losing, wasn't losing fast enough, was hitting a weight where I was really internally freaking out (ding ding ding, we have a winner!), etc. etc. So, I am chalking up my last post the "what the hell do I need a fill?" to that. Yes, I am getting hungry between eating much more often and sooner, but like I wondered maybe that is just normal for where I am weight wise and my activity level. Only time will tell...

As much as I wish I could say there is a finish line to this journey, there just isn't and that's reality...But feeling so strong and healthy is oh so worth it...And looking good in clothes ain't so bad either!

Round Up and Raging

Man, I'm glad it's Friday. I was hoping things would slow down at work, but no such luck. I forgot my round up from last week, so putting both here so I have them logged.

I am convinced that I have no restriction at all as my appetite is raging. It just feels different and is a bit hard to explain. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it at this point.

I honestly wonder if they would even give me a fill and I am not a fan of the cattle call place that I go to for fills. I'd really like to speak to someone that will give me more than a blank stare as that's how I feel about the place I currently go to. I can't even remember the last time I went. It could be pushing 2 years at this point- YIKES! And, I am guessing I weigh about 15 lbs less from what I remember weighing in there.

Here's what I envision: I go in and PAY out of my pocket $120 bucks. I fill out the sheet with all of their questions. I go back to the "person" (hmmmm, I just realized I don't even know the credentials these people really have). Weigh. And the response is: you are right where you need to be - "no fill for you" (ha ha Seinfeld reference). Anyway, who knows, but I can tell you I would be PISSED if this happened, because if I do go in, it would be for an itty bitty tiny fill and that's what I'd be paying for.

Aaarrrggghhhh, I'm just going to think about it and if my weight remains stable, my clothes are fitting, and I'm not hungry 24 hours a day, then maybe this is really the right spot for me for now.

Rambling...babbling...that's pretty much where I am on my band at the moment.

Polar Round Up for This Week:

• 5 hours 45 minutes
• 3153 calories

Polar Round Up Last Week:

• 4 hours 21 mins
• 2463 calories

Dear Hubby...

While you think and say that Veterans Day here in the US is for those "people that get shot at", it really is about everyone that has served, is serving, or lost his or her life for our country. It's every single person in the military regardless of his or her role that makes it what it is. You spent years of your life serving your country full time as a military officer and deserve a "thank you" and even decided to continue your service since. While we have struggled with this first year or so of our marriage, one thing has remained steady for me. I have never doubted loving you (just sometimes didn't like you very much and wondered if we should really be married - HA!). I am proud of you and I thank you for your service.

To every single person that has served or is serving in the US military - thank you for your service. To those of you that lost a loved one, there are no words adequate enough, but please know that there are many people across the nation that are thinking of (and thanking) every one of them that made the ultimate sacrifice for our country.

Should you happen to see someone today that is part of the military today (or any other day), please consider saying "thank you for your service". I know that when my husband is in his uniform and people say things to him that deep down it means a lot.

Swinging

(Uh, no dirty dirty minds - not that kind of swinging!) I can't remember how I ever stumbled onto Gr33n M0untains' site, but there have been a number of posts out there that have either given me something to think about or respond with "yep, that's EXACTLY it"...um, not outloud, but in my head. Anyway, you get the point. This post on appetite swings definitely hit home with me today.

Some days I'm super hungry and other days I'm not. Over time I made a conscious decision that it is OK. For me, it goes back to my former dieting mentality - the "shouldn'ts" and "can'ts" and all that crap. But for some time now I've changed that. If I'm hungry, I'm hungry and I eat. Some days I may have 2 meals while other days I may have 6 meals, but ya know what, it works for me and my weight has stabilized. I should also say that it was very scary to switch to this way of thinking and there are times that I still struggle with it!

The only caveat is when I see myself veering toward crap. I try to do a gut check (HA) to see if it's hunger, emotional, or just a desire to want something not so healthy. For me crap generally means it's emotional or just that I want it.

If it's "emotional", that's when I put the brakes on--at least I try to! Cause the crap food just isn't going to make me feel better and might even make me feel worse. By worse, not necessarily guilty as I'm trying to work on that as well, but it's this feeling after eating the crap that is a realization that wasn't what I wanted or honestly even what I needed. I try to figure out what is really going on. This has been hard, but I can thankfully say that it's gotten easier with focus and diligence.

Part of my shrink/counselor work over the years was it being pointed out to me that I can't identify or misidentify my feelings. As weird as that sounds, I really struggle with it. I was told it was from years of denying my true feelings in my childhood and learning to bury them because nobody really cared. I don't focus on that part - that's an "is what it is" thing for me. I focus on OK here's the problem, so how do I address it. It was a huge thing for me to learn. Today I have a cheat sheet. It's a paper that has a whole ton of feelings listed on it. So when I can't figure out what it is that I'm feeling, I look at the sheet and it helps me identify it.

If it's the "I want it and gotta have it", then I'll have it and move on. For example, I wanted coconut M and M's last week. It was lunch time and that's what I wanted period. Sure, I could have had something healthy, but the reality is that I still would have wanted those damn things! So, I had them for lunch and moved on.

Baby steps, but progress nonetheless. Breaking the cycle and learned behaviors is really hard, but worth it. While my outside looks a heck of a lot better, in a way I feel prouder of these other changes. Hmmm, maybe it's that I'm happier? Hell, where's my sheet!

FIVE Year Bandiversary!

On November 16, 2005 I was banded. Hard to believe it's been 5 years (OK, close enough!). In honor of that I am going to do a reallllllyyy long post. The first part is my standard one that I have been doing every year, but at the end I am adding more additional thoughts...oh, and there's a few before/after (never been seen) pics...

Official weigh in stats:

• Height: 5'8"
• Starting weight: 234 lbs
• Original goal weight: 149 lbs (Sat here for a while in maintenance and then decided I was still a bit fluffy)
• Revised goal weight: 138 - 142 lbs (Stayed within this range for a while and picked up boot camp)
• Revised goal weight again - Current maintenance range  132-136 lbs.
• Current weight today: 130.5 lbs
• Overall loss: 100+ lbs
• Lbs to goal: 0 lbs

BMI: 19.8 - 20.7 -  (Normal weight = 18.5-24.9)

How many fills have you had?

• 1st fill – 1.2cc – 12/21
• 2nd fill – 1.8cc – 1/25
• 3rd unfill - was just too tight - went to 1.4cc
• 4th unfill - dilated pouch - complete unfill
• 5th fill - .6cc
• I think I went up some from here to about .8cc; then unfill to about .4 cc; then another to .2 cc - that's where I remain.

Are you going to stay at your current fill level? Yes. Although I think the added drop in weight, has resulted in no fill whatsoever. This might be OK, but if I am struggling to stay within my maintenance range or not feeling at all satisfied with bandster portions (which seems to be disappearing) then I am going to consider a smidgen of a fill.

What are you going to do next? Keep doing what I'm doing and determine some sort of additional fitness goals (see thoughts at the end)

What size clothes are you wearing?

• Pants: 2/4
• Dress: 2/4
• Shirt: S/XS
• A year ago, I'm pretty sure that I was a 4/6. While there is not a lot of weight difference there was a whole lot of shape shifting. I have boot camp to thank for that.

What do you eat in a typical day? There really isn't typical anymore, but I always eat 3 to as many as 6 meals. I listen to my body and if I'm hungry I eat. I should say though that "meals" is used loosely here. It could be a few nuts, a string cheese, a yogurt, half a bar, etc. - each is a "meal" - and I consciously make it a bandster portion.

Was it worth it? Yes, it was! It was much more expensive when I got it than it is today, but it was still worth every single self-pay penny!

Have you had any problems? Yes, but not anything horrific in my book. You'll see in the beginning of my blog that shortly after my surgery I swore my stitches in my port popped. Everybody told me at the surgeon's office no way and not to worry about it (there was a huge snow/ice storm when I was supposed to go in for my after surgery follow up). When I went in for my fill, my port was on it's  side. I still have not had it fixed, but you can now see a big lump from it when my shirt is off and FEEL it. Feeling it is the grossest. (I think many people refer to them as port baby or something? Well, mine is more of a tween!) I have also had some problems with pouch dilation. Turned out that it was likely a combination of being too tight and eating too much over time. Signs? Eating more than you are supposed to (and also could be in conjunction with eating too fast) and getting heartburn (aka - reflux).

Have you pb'd? Unfortunately, yes. More so when I was too tight. Currently only from stupidity.

What rules do you follow? Eat slowly. Take small bites. When I feel full - stop. Eat bandster amount. Don't drink with meals. (See the side.)... and: Eat CONSCIOUSLY - am I hungry? Am I full? Does it taste good? etc.

Do you have loose skin? I had said no previously. As I got thinner, my skin is not definitely that of a 20 year old, but I'm not 20 either! I'd have to say that the skin situation has improved more over time though. How is that? Exercise! Boot camp and jogging. The only time you can see a "skin situation" is when I'm in a certain position that I only do when working out. You can also see a bit of loose skin in the tummy area when I'm naked and leaning over (so you won't be seeing it!) which is not noticeable when i am standing up or in a swimsuit.

Do you 'diet'? Yes? No? Even if I only ate hamburgers, wouldn't that be a hamburger diet? The bottom line whether you have a lap band or not is you have to make healthy food choices most of the time. For a while, I was roughly following Weight Watchers that my friend gave me all the scoop on---the intent though was to become more in tune with what I was eating (the eating consciously crap). It was successful for me, but with all the exercise it just wasn't feeling right. It was feeling like work, so I just started listening (and trusting!) my body and eating when I am hungry---what you can pretty much think of as intuitive eating. Your call on whether or not it's a "diet", but there isn't anything that is restricted from my eating if I want it. But then again, sometimes I want a bunch of crap and I tell myself no. So you tell me.

So what is all this about this 15lbs you gained? Well, for about 5 or 6 months sometime in 2008(?), I didn't work out, log my food, or make good choices. Major, major funk city---ironically this is when there was a "break" in my relationship with my hubby. The good news is that I only gained 15 lbs. In the past, this would have been much worse. I also avoided the scale, so it was my clothes screaming at me that they were tight that woke me up. I just slapped myself upside the head and said: HELLO, get a grip. You spent a ton of money. You are being an idiot. Get back on track and do it NOW! You will feel better if you do. (I think I was in a bit of a depression.)Well, I did - I'm just stubborn like that. That is what you see referenced in a period of 12 weeks. During that time with a lot of dedication and effort - and following all the rules - I lost 15.5 lbs....and, felt a whole lot better!

Favorite Posts:

If I was going to point out a few posts to go read, it would be:
My thoughts on protein and some other opinions
Restriction
Craziness (IMO) of what WLS success is
Golden(?) rules
My Most Important Rules
Why Do You Exercise?
Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3

Accomplishments this past year:

• Stronger and fitter than when I hit goal originally. (I can do man push ups!)
• Look and feel healthy and fit.
• Found a workout I really enjoy - boot camp - and got over feeling guilty about the expense!
• Feel like I am getting on solid ground in maintenance. (I'm sure I said it and thought it before, but for some reason now it's different. It takes a lot to convince me something has really changed I guess!). I guess I feel this way because I really do pretty much eat what I want and I don't obsess over eating things that are not the healthiest of choices and my lack of dependence on the scale. And, I probably need to distance myself more from the scale if you read my post about freaking out about the low that has been repeatedly displaying.
• I have gone into stores and found clothes that I really liked, but at times instead of not having a large enough size, it's now because there isn't a small enough one. (It's weird.)
• I realized I didn't do one of these posts at 4 years. I don't know why 5 years "feels" so different---more of a milestone, it just does. I figure that 10 years will be the same.

What's next? Next year I want to have more strength overall (build more lean muscle) and possibly consider seeking out another fitness goal or activity. I want to continue on this maintenance journey eating food in a balanced way of eating healthy most of the time, but also not when I want to! Continue working on not speaking negatively to myself and in regard to my body (it's a sub-conscious thing and I do it out of habit. I've gotten better, but would like to stop doing it entirely.) Continue to blog! ... maybe learn how to include pictures in this blog so they look a little better! : )

Here's to another 5 years of successful maintenance!

Notes on Pics:

• Top 2 pics - I probably weigh more than 234 lbs  (my starting weight) in these pics, but that is my highest recorded weight which was after cutting way back on crap while thinking about WLS.
• 3 pics in black - those were when I decided that some before pics would be a good idea and had probably already lost 20 lbs. I'd definitely have taken these differently in hindsight (maybe tighter outfit and not black for sure). 
• Halloween Costume - that's from 2008 - I weigh 145 lbs in that pic. What a difference 10 ish lbs makes though between this and the next!
• Recent Pics - I weigh 132 ish in those pics as I hadn't weighed myself. I've been weighing in around 130.5 - 131 lbs.

Don't Wannas!!!....Holiday Season Blahs?

For the past few days I have been having a case of the I don't wannas. I'm honestly not sure what the hell my problem is. I think part of it is my job. While I am daily thankful to have a good job at a good company with decent benefits and pay (seriously, I am.). I'm just in a funk about it. I think it's a lack of a break. Remember when I did try to go on a vacation? It was pretty much the vacation from hell - ended up getting sick and it was FAR from relaxing. So, I think that's part of it.

Another part is the holidays. No matter how hard I try, I get stressed. It's baggage from my past surfacing and I know it and do my best to manage it. It's hard to describe, but it's in me and it's just a layer of anxiousness that sits there and it ebbs and flows. And, when I'm honest, every year I do get a bit better, but it's the beginning of "the season" so I am suffering from that initial UGH! Plus, I am still adjusting to my husband's family during the season as it is only year two. I'm just moody and emotional.

I'm fortunate though, the family is very nice, it's my own personal holiday angst(?) that gets "poked" somehow on the most simple things such as what are we doing on Thanksgiving *BIG SIGH*. So far the husband has done very well navigating my troubles and has been very supportive... Is it January 2 yet?

And then I also think my weight is a slice in there as an added bonus! It's not bad really (and many will likely think I'm just stupid! and "oh what a problem to have - shut up"), but I have been consistently weighing in at 130.5 lbs. And I am weirding out about it! And honestly I even feel stupid blogging about it although I have been thinking about it in my head A LOT. So I am just biting the bullet and putting it out here because I want to be able to go back and reflect, etc. Anyway, my range is 132-136 lbs. That's what I set for myself, 2lbs above or below 134 lbs. I thought 130.5 was a fluke the first time and just went on my way. Weighed in a couple weeks later and it was the same. Then last week and still there. It was this third time that it's done something in my head.

I haven't been trying to lose weight (oh look more eye rolls! ha!), just living and generally making healthy choices. I knew I had shifted because I have shrunk out of more of my clothes. Anyway, I just seem to be obsessing a bit. And I think that obsessing is really in regard to a WTF reaction. As in is this a REALISTIC weight for the long term? It has always been my personal goal to land somewhere reasonable. Somewhere that I could generally make healthy choices and exercise at a reasonable level without it being a burden. (And, while my level of exercise may seem high to some, I really enjoy it! So, I'm not going to cut back on something that I enjoy and IS good for me.)

I thought I had landed at the "right" spot, but now I'm not sure. SEE!!??!! Even after five )@#*($#) years, I still think crap like this!! So, my goal for the holiday season will still be my current range - 132 - 136 lbs period. And while I *could* say I have some pounds in the bank for the holidays that IS a slippery slope for me. So I'll continue on my path...but please note that I do plan to eat a bunch of my favorite not-so-healthy crap on Thanksgiving! (Mmmmm, pumpkin pie!)

Danger...Candy Ahead!

I'm not gonna lie, I LOVE candy. There really isn't one that comes to mind that I don't like, I just may not love it. So Halloween and throughout the holidays can be a bit of a danger zone for me. One piece here, another piece there, ya get the picture.

I have candy every now and then --- sometimes more "now" than "then"! --- but I just can't keep big bowls of it around. I have struggled with whether or not I should do the trick-or-treat thing and have decided not to.

I don't really want to do it. I find it to be a pain in the butt and it falling on a Sunday night just makes it less appealing (and, yep, maybe I'm a scrooge!). And if I did do it, if I am really really honest about it with myself my motivation is to have a few treats myself. Don't get me wrong, a few would be fine, but around a big huge bowl of yumminess it's hard for me to stop at a few...mmmm, candy corn---pure sugar loveliness.

Regarding Comments from My Last Post on "How Much?"
Thanks to each of you that took the time to leave me a comment on the post! Each one made a difference and reassured me that I am not a big weirdo about how I felt.

Ms. Julie - OMG, if I could just SLAP your boss I would!!! First you should be proud and you look fabulous! And, while I would gladly slap your boss, I want to say that I think you are giving him too much credit. Not to man bash (sorry any male readers, stopper bys, lurkers), but I highly doubt he meant it that way. I bet you a zillion dollars that he has NO idea whatsoever that you weigh 175. I bet you he estimates your weight much lower. I don't say this to validate or rationalize what or how he made the comment AT ALL, just that men don't do so well in my experience in that arena. (My husband for one can't believe that I "weigh that much" and I have to kick myself in the butt to translate what he's saying from man speak.)

As for the rest of the people, I wonder if everyone asked those questions because Holy Moly Girlfriend - you have done AWESOME!??? Were they simply fascinated by your success and how the "thing" works? Again, not rationalizing, just another side of it for you to consider. Cause it PAINS me and makes me want to slap all of them that you felt anything but good and proud!!!! (Link to Julie's blog: http://imlosingtheweight.blogspot.com/)

Polar Round Up for the week:

• 5 hours 28 mins
• 3020 calories

Man, You've Lost a Lot of Weight! ... How much?

I ran into an acquaintance from work. "Wow Fluffy, you have lost a lot of weight! How much have you lost?" "Uh, I have thanks. Good to see you, how have you been?"

It's probably some weird insecurity I have, but people asking me how much weight I've lost kinda strikes me as rude. I'm also likely taking it the wrong way as an added bonus. But for non-close friends (my inner circle) to ask me, it makes me uncomfortable. You know it's a lot, so why isn't that enough? Why is the number so important?

I have been at my job for over 16 years. People witnessed my roller coaster ride - thin, not thin, thin, not so thin, fat, not as fat, FATTEST ever, to now. There are a lot of people where I work, so you can go for a year or more without seeing someone that you know. And, don't get me wrong, I understand it's shocking if his or her memory of me is my "before" and it doesn't really bother me if there is an exclamation of "wow, you've lost a lot of weight" or whatever---I think that's a normal, honest reaction as I am kinda like a BL unveiling in that scenario. It's shocking, I get it - just not the "how much?".

I'll dodge it. I'll say quite a bit. I've said a 5th grader. But while I guess I am proud of losing over 100 pounds, I just don't like to advertise it. It's just not me. Am I being a hypocrite since I talk about it on my blog? To me, no. This is my place to put my thoughts, etc. And, one of the original hopes of this blog was that maybe it would help someone else that is either considering or newly banded, so talking about weight and clothing sizes and all that helps me remember and stay true to my journey and potentially others that you can lose the weight you need to by using this tool and making other changes...and, most importantly, maintain the loss 5 years later (and yep, for some reason I am kinda obsessed with this 5 year milestone, but that's another post).

But now that I type this out, I wonder do I think/feel this because of my shyness overall as I get embarrassed when people say anything if I am truly honest about it? Maybe...But in full candor in this meandering post, I also remember when I was about 50 lbs down that I was PISSED that a person in the "inner circle" had not said one dang thing to me. And, if it was someone that had a major weight problem, I'm not so sure I'd mind either. So go figure...Maybe I just need to get over it!

Do people ask you how much weight you have lost? Does it bother you? How do you handle it? Should I be responding differently such as providing "a number"? Should I just shut the hell up and get over it?