Halloween..."Before" / "After"

Well, the one in the all black is me in my fat suit Halloween costume. OK, not really, but I seriously couldn't resist. (I have a weird sense of humor.) This is me at 234 lbs.

The other one is me in my Halloween costume from last year (2008). Yep, still camera shy people. I want to keep my anonymity. I am 145 lbs. in this picture. What a difference 89lbs. makes.

I need to take a pic of my 'before' jeans and my 'after' jeans. Now that I think about it, I haven't even put them on since I *had* to wear them. That's kinda weird in a way too.

I'm in a reflection mode at the moment. I can't believe that I am nearly 4 years out. I currently stay within a goal range of 138 - 142 lbs. (Less than even this picture AND the outfit is much looser in the waist and hips.)

So, I'm going to answer my yearly questions. Any questions? Please let me know. Nothing is off limits.

Official weigh in stats:
Height: 5'8"
Starting weight: 234 lbs
Current weight: 138 lbs
Overall loss: 96 lbs
Lbs to goal: 0

Current goal: Maintain between 138 lbs - 142 lbs

BMI: 21.0 - (Normal weight = 18.5-24.9)
Clothing size: 6. Sometimes even a bit loose and end up in a 4.

Shirt: S

How many fills have you had?

• 1st fill – 1.2cc
• 2nd fill – 1.8cc
• 3rd unfill - was just too tight - went to 1.4cc
• 4th unfill - dilated pouch - complete unfill
• 5th fill - .6cc
• I think I went up some from here to about .8cc; then unfill to about .4 cc; then another to .2 cc - that's where I remain. There is .2 cc in my band. It's pretty much empty.
  

Are you going to stay at your current fill level?
Yes.

What are you going to do next?
Work on my "mojo". I need to set some new goals and figure out how to maintain my motivation.

What size clothes are you wearing?
6 pants/dress (sometimes a 4).

Shirt - Small

What do you eat in a typical day?
I always start with weight control quaker instant oatmeal with 1/2 oz of dried blueberries or cherries for breakfast. (Good source of fiber. Keeps me full without being too substantial to feel uncomfortable.) For lunch, pretty much whatever. If I'm tight - which you can tell over time - I'll have something soft. For dinner, I'm loosest then and eat pretty much anything. I pretty much stay away from pasta and bread entirely. When I do eat some, it might be a bit of pasta or crackers---pasta always has a lot of sauce. Dry meat has to have sauce. Chicken breast is tricky some days. Dry meat of any kind is a problem, but as long as what I eat is chewed well and within the amount I am supposed to have - I don't have any issues. (Update: Same answer as last year, but I have added more fruit to my diet.)

Was it worth it?
Yes, it was. I stress though that I would only recommend it as a last resort. I felt I was there. I could get the weight off, but just couldn't keep it out without exercising and watching what I ate ALL the time. Now, I live a life of moderation on everything and the weight stays off. Other than the gain of 15lbs that was totally MY FAULT and choice (via bad choices and not working out) I have remained the same weight or lost a bit. It was worth every penny and I was self-pay. (Update: Keeping this one the same as well. I need to go back and read that post about the 15 lbs.)

Have you had any problems?
Yes. You'll see in the beginning of my blog that shortly after my surgery I swore my stitches in my port popped. Everybody told me no way and not to worry about it. When I went in for my fill, it had. So it is on it's side. I still have not had it fixed, but you can now see a lump from it when my shirt is off and FEEL it. Feeling it is the grossest. I am considering getting it fixed. I have also had some problems with pouch dilation. People being too tight is BAD. The other thing is that your portion size is also very important. It can also lead to stretching of your pouch. Signs? Eating more than you used to and getting heartburn (aka - reflux). (Update: I haven't gotten my port fixed. I might, but I'd rather have some new boobs - lol!)

Have you pb'd?
Yep. When I was too tight, a lot. Now, I pretty much know how and what to eat depending on the tightness of my band. When/if I have problems, it is around my period. I have learned sometimes it is best not to fight it and let it happen. This seems to work for me and then does not lead to repeated pb's or irritation. Be sure to follow your surgeon's instructions for when this occurs. I find that I get very tight (swollen and irritated) and need to follow the instructions. I'll stay on fluids for a number of hours and then depending on how bad it is (believe me you get to where you know) I'll put myself on self-imposed soft foods for a day or two. Usually within a day I am totally back to normal. (Update: I'm not sure, but I'd guess that I've have 2 episodes in the past year.)

What rules do you follow?
Eat slowly. Take small bites. Don't eat first thing in the morning. When I feel full - stop. Don't drink with meals. No soda. That pretty much sums it up. There aren't a lot of them. These are pretty much the standard bandster rules. The latest addition is the first bite rule. I am sure to chew well and make sure it is small. There is some suspicion that not doing this may have contributed to the dilation. Again, no one knows for sure. (See the side.) (Update: Since my band is essentially empty, I focus on good choices and eating the *right* amount. If I eat hard foods like I am supposed to, guess what - full. If not, I have a little snack.)

Do you have loose skin?
Surprisingly, I'd have to say no. I wear a bikini and look pretty damn good for my age. Over time since I hit goal and continued to workout, I'd say that I even look better. Now, that being said, I'd like to have a boob lift. I don't think that has anything to do with the band though. Just age and gravity. Believe it or not, my boobs are THE SAME size they were before banding. (Update: my boobs are smaller. Seriously. I'm essentially the same weight, but I'm smaller - less fat I figure. So, my boobs don't fill the bra cups like they were. Me wanting new boobs is getting higher on the list.)

Do you 'diet'?
I guess most people would say yes. I'd say no. The bottom line whether you have a lapband or not is you have to make good food choices. I roughly follow Weight Watchers that my friend gave me all the scoop on. The daily points with the flex keeps everything in check. I have journaled my food and exercise since I was banded - except for the time that I put on the 15lbs. This is very successful for me. Conscious eating is critical. (No Update)

So what is all this about this 15lbs you gained?
Well, for about 5 or 6 months, I didn't work out, log my food, or make good choices. The good news is that I only gained 15 lbs. In the past, this would have been much worse. I also avoided the scale, so it was my clothes screaming at me that they were tight that woke me up. There were a whole lot of factors that contributed to my not caring - work stress, break up, just not caring - in fact, I think I was in a bit of a depression. Well, I kicked myself in the ass and got things under control. That is what you see referenced in the past 12 weeks or so. In those 12 weeks, with dedication and effort - and following all the rules - I lost 15.5 lbs. (Update - huh, guess this is what happened. It's funny how you forget things and how a blog can help you remember.)

Lack of Payoff?

Thanks for the comment Julie:

"I was just talking to a friend last night about maintaining weight loss. She said the same thing - that it's harder to maintain than to lose. However, she couldn't explain why. What you said about lack of payoff makes a lot of sense. Is there a way to still get that payoff while maintaining?"

I have friends that 'do' Weight Watchers and it seems to be a feeling that many people have at goal. You know how you are losing weight and you are looking at the scale and going, "OMG, I have worked so hard there better be a loss" and then there is? Payoff. The compliments you receive on your journey? Payoff. The milestones you receive? Payoff. The clothes that now fit? Payoff. The smaller sizes? Payoff. The NSVs? Payoff. Etc. etc.

Well, almost 4 years out and over 2 years since I hit (and surpassed) my goal, it's different. You are just 'you'. People are now used to you. You are at goal weight. Your goal is to maintain your current weight and remain in your current clothes. Compliments are few and far between. Heaven forbid you put on weight, cause look out! Then, "Did you notice? So and so is gaining weight."

All of this really is kinda stupid (I recognize that), but it's also the reality. I give myself a pat on the back for staying within my range (138-142) for all this time, but sometimes I just get plain old worn out. And, I am sure people are thinking, "Well, get over yourself, I'd pay money to get where you are." Well, first of all I did pay money to get where I am! OK, I couldn't resist that 'banded humor' as I am self-pay. : )

As we all know - or are learning - the band is not magic. It's work. The band is a tool and nothing more. You can eat around it and do all sorts of things that are going to lead to weight gain (what I refer to as self-sabotage - cause hello? you put a frickin' band around your belly - there has to be some self sabotage there!). I *should* be proud that I have avoided that and I am....well, kinda - ha!

But banded or not, staying at a healthy weight and fit at almost 41 years old is work. Will I continue? Sure I will. But I will have my ups and downs and general bitchiness about what it takes to stay in my range.

Thanks for your post as well "Dinnerland", but it's not so much about having a goal as I have one - to stay within my range - it's just hard to explain. I do think it's feedback and something outside of 'me' that made losing 'easier' vs. maintaining.

How exciting is it to come back to my blog each week to find out that I stayed within my range? To me, not much. I'd much rather read about the people that are losing and making progress (and I do - way to go all of you!!!). I know that sounds stupid as there is this 'you need to do it for you' mantra. I agree 100%. I did this for me. I got to my goal for me. I stay in my range for me. But bottom line - it's hard.

I'll have to think more about it. Like I said, I do think it's a funk, but it's also a valid 'feeling' that I just can't adequately describe and is there, but not really talked about. Counseling anyone? (ha) I think I just need a swift kick in the butt, a 'get over yourself', and keep on keepin' on. But this is what my blog is for, right? To *talk* about the 'stuff' that is really going on inside of me. So that's what I'm doing.

Thanks again to Julie and Dinnerland. I appreciate your feedback and duly noted. I need to figure out how to get the 'payoff'. Overall, I do think I am OK, but thought I'd share a bit about this inner struggle? challenge? whatever you want to term it that is somewhere deep inside of me.

Oh wait, here's the exciting news: I'm within my range as it is weekly weigh-in. And, go figure, low end: 138 lbs. See, not so exciting, huh? : )

Work, work, and wait - more work...

Last week sucked. I wasn't able to workout and I can prove it wasn't 'just an excuse' this time as well. I ended up practically working around the clock Monday - Friday. I slept about 12 hours between Monday night until Friday night (when I got a whopping 6 hours). It couldn't be avoided, but was a stress on me and also my poor hubby.

Not sleeping, stress, not exercising, and not the best eating is likely going to reflect itself on the scale this week. I must focus on it being out of my control and something that doesn't occur very often....*sigh* - I have to tell you that maintaining SUCKS! I've said it before and I'm saying it again. As weird as it sounds, there is this lack of 'payoff' or 'something'. It's hard to explain. If someone out there can relate and explain it better, please do so! (Then again, maybe I am in a big ol' funk from not sleeping, stress, not exercising, and unscheduled weird eating - it's not that I'm eating crap, just that everything is off.)

Testing, testing, 1-2-3?

I have noticed that I have a bad habit. Every now and then I 'test' my band. I think this is a bad practice and something I need to stop doing. It's not good overall as it can lead to PB'ing and/or pouch stretching (dilation) - both bad things overall. Therefore, going forward I will not test my band anymore. I will remember:

• The band is in there and it is doing it's job.
• There are days that I have more tightness (restriction) than others. My personal experience and opinion is that this has to do with 'lovely' woman hormones.
• I need to eat what I am supposed to and also the amount that I am supposed to period. If I do, then I'm done. I will and can (giving myself permission) to eat more later if needed.
• Eating too slow is as bad as eating too fast. I can't remember the 'eating time' that I was given, but I think it was 20 mins max.
• Am I really hungry or am I emotional? Do my test - do I want something good for me or crap? If crap, not hungry period.
• If I HAVE to have crap. Then make it a portion-controlled conscious decision.

What brought this up? I've just been reflecting on my journey and what I can do to further my long-term success since I am almost FOUR years out. Wow! I can't believe it has been that long. Some people may say, "Well, maybe you need a fill?" My response to that is no. (See this post.) When I have gained weight, the honest answer is cause I have been eating CRAP and a lot of times compounding that by not exercising. Getting a fill, in my opinion, is not an appropriate response. The behavior needs to be corrected. Am I hungry sometimes? Sure, but sometimes it is head hunger and other times it is 'real' hunger. When it's real, I have a small snack and it passes. Good enough I say. : )

The scale is whacko right now. I am still within my range, but yesterday (official weigh in) it said 141lbs and today it said 138lbs???? Nope, I'm not weighing every day, but I was just curious this morning as I have been diligent for the past couple of weeks on both eating and exercising and expected that I would see a lower weight. (Oh wait, don't we all??? (ha))

The increased diligence has been greatly caused by my hubby going around saying he was 'fat' (which he's not) and his decision to exercise more and eat better. Nothing but a good thing for me! BTW - boys SUCK! He has lost SEVEN pounds. That's right people, 7 frickin' pounds by a few dietary changes and exercise in two weeks. Venting now: and my results? Uh, nothing!!!!! : )

SALT!

Emotions - OMG, I am UP 2.5 LBS from YESTERDAY morning????? WTF?????

Emotions - OK, get off and try again. Scale has to be WRONG!!!

Emotions - OMG!!!!! Still the same - f-ing 142 lbs. That is HIGHER than last week. WTF? WTF? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Brain - OK, CALM down! There is NO way I gained 2.5 lbs in one day when I have been making good eating choices and exercising since the last weigh in a week ago.

Emotions - Well, you remember what Jillian on Biggest Loser says - something to the effect of the scales don't lie. You weigh what you weigh. It's all excuses.

Brain - True. You weigh 142 lbs (which by the way is technically within your range), but at least 'some' if not 'most' of that weight is likely water retention from the salt gorge (soup at lunch very high salt content and dinner was a packaged meal also with very high salt content) which you normally monitor so the body is reacting. To gain 2.5 lbs, you would have had to eaten an EXTRA 8,750 calories!!!!

Emotions - Well, I don't like it!

Brain - Well, too bad! Get over it!

Emotions - Well, I'm not gonna! Cause the scale RULES me! I don't wanna weigh 142 lbs. I'm fat.

Brain - That's just stupid. The scale is only one measurement. How are your clothes? How has your eating been? How has the exercising been?

Emotions - Fine, fine, fine. Don't care, still don't like it.

Brain - Well just keep doing what you are doing. It will be fine.

Emotions - Don't like it. And, ya know what? Now I just wanna not exercise and not make good food choices? Where's the ice cream?????!!!! Candy????!!!! (MmMMM, candy corn)

Brain - You are going to exercise and you are going to make good choices. No ice cream and no candy. HA! This is why there isn't any in the house and HELLO? it's just you EMOTIONS!!!! Quit being a big whiny baby and get over yourself. Just move on and keep on doing what you are doing.

Emotions / Brain - I will eat as planned today. I will drink extra water. Exercise is done for the day, but I will go again tomorrow. The scale while not "lying" will go back down in a couple days.....uh, and try to quit sneak weighing which you keep doing when you are on the high end of your range. Then again, it does keep me focused on staying to the low end.

To Emotions AND Brain - Shut the hell up and focus on something else!!!

: - )

Sometimes...

You just HAVE to tell yourself 'good job', right? Well, I did today. Nothing big really, I was just sore and having the 'I don't wannas', but I got myself on the treadmill and did a workout. I'm not going to lie - I was not into it! So, I told myself: 3 miles. The faster you do it, the sooner you are done. Warm up, 10 minute mile, 9 minute mile, 8:30 minute mile, cool down, and DONE!

I just felt good about having done it more than anything. I also found that putting it in the post earlier today served as an incentive. It's funny how that works. The same thing happens with my food journal. Sometimes it is quite a magical tool that keeps me on track and prevents from eating stuff that I shouldn't (encourages good choices)...Well, at least most of the time!

Gotta watch Survivor! Yep, I'm a junkie. Same with Biggest Loser. : )

Weekly Weigh In and Weeeeeee!

Well the scale showed a 1 pound loss down to 141. Still within my range 138-142 and going the right way. I'd like to get back to the low side and am working toward that.

The 'weeeee' is really a reference to my new Nintendo Wii!!! I had considered getting a WiiFit as well, but had used it at a friend's house in the past and it was a ton of fun, but it didn't seem like much of a workout (for me - and not a comment on anyone that finds that it helps them toward their goals, if so - great!). So, I went with EA Sports Active.

I've added the 30-day challenge within the 'game' to my treadmill workouts. I'm doing the hard level and whatever it throws in front of me. The good news is that it is definitely engaging muscles that are not engaged by my treadmill work. How do I know? Cause I can feel it!!!

Overall I like it so far, but the resistance band that is included is a joke. I am planning to go get one to replace it with to increase the resistance. As long as it has the handles, it should work as a replacement without an issue (I think anyway!). With all the lunges, I am getting a good lower-body workout (that's where I feel it), but the upper-body due to the lack of resistance isn't so good.

It does take some practice to get into the rhythm of the system as the controllers have to be held still, correctly, and in time. I am still trying to get the hang of it and more importantly trying to not focus so much on the controllers that I forget about my overall form. Only 27 days to go! (HA!)

Workouts:

• Monday - 4.6 miles treadmill (60 mins including warm up and cool down)
• Tuesday - 4.8 miles treadmill (60 mins including warm up and cool down) / 30 mins Wii EA Active Sports
• Wednesday - 4.8 miles treadmill (60 mins including warm up and cool down) / 30 mins Wii EA Active Sports
• Thursday - pending - I *might* take a day off - if so, then note to self: MUST workout Fri/Sat

What a difference a week makes!

And I don't really mean that in a good way. Man, vacations are hard. I eat poorly and no 'real' exercise - and you know what - that's OK in my book. The problem though is getting back on track - it's HARD!

The funny thing? I feel yucky by the end of a 'break' - bad food and no exercise = feeling fat and about 110% of the time weight gain as well. Guess what? No difference this time around. I'm feeling fat and I am at the top end of my maintenance range (142 lbs).

And in full disclosure, I really could have worked out on Thursday of last week, but I had a serious case of the 'I don't wannas'. Bottom line - I'm human and normal just like everyone else, but I did force (and I mean force) myself to the treadmill this morning. Repeat to self again: I'm human and normal just like everyone else. : )

I am hoping that the next few days will require less and less 'force' as the days pass. Using the power of positive thinking: "I'm sure it will"....and I just need to focus on my Thursday weigh in. The scary thought, as all of us know, is that my weight *could* be higher and that was a low weigh in from the damage. Man, now that is a scary thought!!!!

Physical Inactivity Poses Greatest Health Risk to Americans

Translation: All we do is sit. And I believe we eat more. Eating more and moving less = weight gain. Here's a snippet from the article:

Research has shown approximately 25 percent to 35 percent of American adults are inactive, Blair said, meaning that they have sedentary jobs, no regular physical activity program and are generally inactive around the house or yard. "This amounts to 40 million to 50 million people exposed to the hazard of inactivity," Blair said in an interview. "Given that these individuals are doubling their risk of developing numerous health conditions compared with those who are even moderately active and fit, we're looking at a major public health problem." Link to entire article here.

I don't make excuses for getting fat. Bottom line - I was eating more (and it was crap - plain and simple crap), severely depressed, and not moving period. I have nobody to hold accountable for that other than myself. Up through my 20's that had not been the case and not any major weight issues. It was a slippery slope and a downward spiral that was further exacerbated by the depression. Excuse? Nope. It's the explanation. I own up to it and took what honestly was drastic steps to get back on track and out of my depression.

The real point of my post though is that I think there is way too much focus on food and weight in the media vs. the lack of MOVEMENT. When you think about it, all the foods that are 'bad' have been around for a number of years. Yes, the portion sizes have also grown, but ultimately everybody has to be accountable for the choices they make when eating. In other words, this crap about taxing 'bad' food pisses me off. Just because you tax it doesn't mean people are going to stop eating it. And, who the hell in the government is going to decide what a 'bad' food is that warrants this tax? Stupid I tell you.

And as far as kids go, I'm old. When I was a kid it wasn't until my early teens (I think) that Atari was even around (that's a game unit like Wii and XBox for any youngsters that may be reading). Therefore we were always playing. And that meant riding bikes, chasing each other, and even some rough housing (ha). But the play was physical. When you think about kids today they are plugged in all the time. TV, gaming, texting, chatting, etc. etc. It's no wonder to me that kids are much heavier.

Bottom line - We need to look at the bigger picture of overall eating habits (choices) and exercise. And yes, I bet some people are saying, "well, easy for you to say you have a band." Well, my band is empty. I have minimal restriction that is only triggered when I eat a big bite of something that is not well chewed (and it's only protein like chicken or beef) or frankly just eat like a pig. And the stuff that got me fat (candy, ice cream, etc.) will go right through regardless of how tight my band is. As I've said in previous posts, variety is important for everyone in what they eat for overall health. But I have also harped on exercise. Some may be able to get to goal without exercise, but I believe that is a small number. I also believe that long term success is ultimately tied to exercise.

Man am I on my soap box? : ) And truth be told, I am NOT a fan of exercise. I just do it cause I need to, it's good for me, and at the end of the day makes me feel good. So my soapbox summary is: generally make good choices - which personally I find is WAY easier on the days I do exercise for some reason - and MOVE people!!!

Exercise today:

• Tuesday - Steep incline - 60 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 4.6 miles

Workout Post

In an effort to stay on track, there might be a whole lotta here's what I did posts. I find like many others that it increases my initiative, etc. I'm going away for a family visit from Friday - Tuesday (Labor Day weekend here in the States), so there will be no 'defined' exercise and likely not the best choices in food available, so I am attempting to take a pre-emptive strike at the damage.

• Friday- Plod (again) - 60 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 4.6 miles
• Saturday - jog - 15 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 2.5 miles / 1 hour walk on beach
• Sunday - 1 hour walk on beach
• Monday - varied - 70 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 5 miles

I want one of those tracker things that Nike makes and goes on your shoe (it fits on some Nike shoes, but that is not my shoe of choice). The problem is the stupid thing works with a Nano, iTouch, or iPhone. I have a Shuffle that I use when I work out and have an iTouch. But I am not a fan of having to strap a gadget to my arm and if you have seen an iTouch/iPhone, they are pretty big. I'm not even totally convinced that I'd like a Nano on my arm and it would cost roughly $140 for that and another $20 for the Nike gadget. OK, I think I have convinced myself it is a definite luxury item. But it tracks miles and stuff and syncs to a website...yes, I know I'm a nerd. : )

Scale - Friend? Foe?

I refuse to let the scale rule my life. Therefore I only weigh in once a week no matter what. That day is Thursday. While I have managed to stick to the once a week weigh in for several months now, I just can't seem to get over the trepidation of the damn thing. It's that feeling of: "OMG, did I gain weight?" and then either the feelings of happiness or disappointment that occurs as a result. I guess it is normal, but somehow it bothers me that a stupid scale and a number influences how I feel after I get on it.

I can't remember which magazine I was thumbing through (wish I could!) when I stumbled across a story that essentially followed this chick around for a period of time. I seem to recall that pictures were taken maybe once a day of her in a swimsuit to document what she looked like. Then each day she would say how she felt: skinny, fat, etc. The funny thing is that she looked EXACTLY the same from picture to picture. I am trying to remind myself of this story because it is important. Bottom line if I stay within the 138-141 lbs range I AM going to look the same as well.

Another weird thing - when I do weigh in on the low side of my range it is like I don't believe it. I have to stand on the scale a few times to 'make sure' it is right. *SIGH* This is just the stuff that is going through my mind at the moment. Bottom line: the scale really isn't just a number. But then again, without it I can easily see how my weight could (OK would) creep up on me. In reflection, when I was gaining and heavy I NEVER stepped on a scale - if I didn't know what I weighed - somehow I could avoid the reality. Can you say DENIAL? : )

So, I have decided that with the good and the bad, the scale is my friend. : ) Weekly weigh in on Thursday will continue and as long as I am within my range I am OK. Workout goal: 4 times a week (That does not include walks or other activities, but real "I am working out" times). Anything above that is bonus.

• Weigh in Thursday - 138.5 lbs
• Workout - Thursday- Plod- 60 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 4.6 miles

Stress!

This week has been very stressful on the work front. After a weekend of not making the best choices food wise and little exercise, I am a bit concerned if I am in my weight window. Oh well, I will find out tomorrow. I thought as a reliever though and reinforcement of getting on track with exercise for the week that I would post progress so far. Maybe this will trick me into working out again tomorrow and Friday. Well at least I can hope!

• Monday - Speed - 60 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 5 miles
• Tuesday - Distance - 75 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 6.5 miles
• Wednesday - Hills - 60 mins on treadmill (including warm up and cool down) - 4.75 miles

I find that variety in both food and exercise is important. If you do the same exercise day in and day out (as well as food), your body gets used to it.

For exercise I change the goal (speed, distance, hills, etc.) and as appropriate also the duration. After my slacking off last week, I can definitely feel the workouts in my legs this week. I plan on doing a 'plod' tomorrow - which I define as easy pace for an hour on the treadmill that still gets in exercise, but in a way gives my body a bit of a rest as well.

On the food front, this being married "thing" helps out a lot. I think some people might find that strange as I have heard people say they got married and gained weight. For me, I find it helpful. Go figure? Because I like to cook and have someone to cook for, we eat at home except for 1 or 2 meals a week. Everything I cook is healthy and I cook enough for us to eat at dinner and then leftovers are usually used for lunch. So every night tends to be something different.

Planning on checking back in tomorrow. : )

All Better!

Well, much much better from my horrendous stuck pain tummy experience. There is some residual stress about "I wonder if there is something wrong with my bad? Did it move? etc etc.", but I am just trying to get past it. I am not having any pain nor any reflux, so I figure things are good. I am planning on eventually getting around to contacting my provider though to get a band checkup. I like to have it looked at once a year for peace of mind that the band and pouch are OK.

I slacked quite a bit on exercise this past week, but with the multiple days of liquids I managed to stay within my 138-141 pound range at 139.5. But now there are no more excuses other than me being a lazy a$$ and I need to get to it!

Off to read other people's blogs!

Yep, it still happens...

Nearly 4 years later and yep - food still gets stuck. That's right people - I got stuck. Chicken skewers with some sauce. That's all I had. For me, the mistakes are as follows:

1. I usually try to have a mixture of food. It seems to keeps food moving. Eating just one type of 'real' bandster food can lead to getting stuck for me. Everyone is different.
2. Eating at a bar at the actual 'bar'. Too many people and NOT paying attention. Talking and eating. What I refer to as not eating consciously.
3. Hindsight - eating too fast, not paying attention, bites too big, not chewing enough, not eating consciously...what does this mean? STUCK!!!!

I felt fine at first, but a while later you banded readers know all the symptoms and what happens without me going into the details. It was NOT pretty.

Funny thing (ok maybe ironic) - I swear this was the worst stuck experience I have ever had (Yep, worst than this one, but look - similarities!). My stomach hurt so badly afterwards and the next day that I honestly started to panic. I did the "absolutely nothing" for 4 hours and then sipped some water. It went down, but I still felt like crap. Had a few sips of water after that and nothing else period. All I had the next day was liquid and not a lot. My stomach still hurt. I figured OK, still keeping down liquids. Just give it some time.

Day 3 - still liquids, but tummy is feeling better. That night I had some mushy stuff and all still good. It's day 4 and I'm still only doing liquids most of the day with mushies in the evening. Feeling much much better - back to normal essentially and will try regular bandster food tomorrow.

I just wasn't in the mood to pay the $150 bucks to get essentially the instructions that I followed--my provider says that as long as you are keeping down liquids see how it goes. I am not advocating the approach I took above at all nor my provider (you should always follow the guidance of your provider), I'm just explaining why I didn't go to the doctor. (And, I'm writing like there are readers. That kinda makes me chuckle.)

I do expect that I will feel tight when I eat bandster food tomorrow. Let's be real - there HAD to be some major irritation, but if it is in anyway just not 'normal' tight I'll be making an appointment. The past few days have put a wrinkle in not only eating, but also going to the gym. The last thing on my mind was working out (ha). Going to try to get back to the gym as well tomorrow.

WID...

I have been doing what I KNOW is emotional eating - I am pretty sure it is separation anxiety from my new hubby, but am still mulling it over. I think I added insult to injury on those days by not going to the gym. I was 'supposed' to on those days and it just seems to throw me off. Even if I don't get the best work out in, any kind of workout makes a difference and I have to force myself to go on planned days. (No excuses!)

Thank goodness I got myself back on track relatively quickly. How? Stern talk with self: "What the HELL are you doing???? Just go!" and forced myself to go to the gym even though it was the LAST thing I wanted to do. Lucky me it worked and helped get me back on track. I am forcing myself to weigh in on Thursdays and also blog a bit more for the next month in the hopes that it will give me an extra boost of accountability while hubby and I are apart.

And, go figure? I'm at 139 lbs for the week. Funny how sometimes when you don't eat the best or workout as much that as long as you get back inline quickly there doesn't seem to be much damage. In my case, I'm down .5 from last week. More stern talk here though: MUST focus!!! Need to stay within my set range of 138-141.

(Secret thought though - man, it would be a good use of this month to get back around 135. But I don't want to put more pressure on myself, so will just see how it goes.)

WOOT!

Weighed in at 139.5 lbs. I'll take it! I'm within my window and all the freaking out was for nothing! I need to remember at this point that what I am doing works for long term maintenance and to quit freaking out. Reminders to self...

• Always eat correct portion sizes.
• Don't drink while I eat period.
• Make good healthy food choices (variety, variety, variety) and eat protein first most of the time.
• Hungry between meals? Ensure that it is 'real' hunger vs. 'head' hunger. Good choices = real. Bad choices = head. If good, then have a snack.
• Exercise a minimum of 3 times a week for 1 hour (5-6 miles jogging). 4 is better, but 3 is the minimum.
• The scale is only a number and does not dictate how I feel. Remain in window of 138-141, but know that a zillion factors can make the scale fluctuate. (That being said, don't rationalize a gain if/when there is one if behavior has not matched these basic items outlined in this list.)
• Remember other measurements such as clothes and fitness.
• Maintenance is hard. Weird how a goal to maintain just doesn't provide the incentive that losing does.
• Give myself a pat on the back now and then. I have been at my surgeon's goal weight for 2 years now. That goal was 149 lbs. I personally reset that goal lower and have maintained that for some time. My ongoing weight goal is 138-141 lbs.

Weight In Day...tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is the day. I am going to jump on the scale and see where I am after not weighing in for about 6 weeks. The funny (as in stupid) thing is that since I made the decision to weigh in, it has filled me with anxiety! I feel like I have been eating everything in sight. I have been eating more and I think it is a combination of the weigh in and also separation from my husband.

We are going to be separated for five weeks seeing each other only twice (two weekends) during the entire time. Longer apart than we've been married! I guess I should be used to it with how our relationship has been "doing the long distance thing", but this is a long separation even prior to us getting married. I get lonely at night and then ya know what happens!!! The food gremlins overtake my mind!

The good news is that while I have been eating more it hasn't been crap! (Yeah me!) But calories ARE calories. I will focus on the scale showing 141. Anything below that icing on the cake. Anything above - I think I will have a bit of a meltdown, but will just need to step it up and get more control over the eating and work out a bit more to get back within my range (138-141). I'd really like to be at the 138 regardless, so if I'm not I think for the next 4 weeks (this week we were separated as well) focusing on weight loss again for a bit.

Other things I need to remember when I weigh tomorrow (so I can re-read if I freak out!):

• My wedding dress was a size 6 and fit perfectly.


• My clothes all fit and are a size 4-6.


• I can easily jog 6 miles in under an hour. (Translation: I'm pretty dang fit for 40!)


• The scale is only one measurement (re-read the bullets above)

Enough rambling! Until tomorrow...

Note to Dalia: Congratulations on your banding! I am sure you will do great. Please let me know if you have any questions. Thanks so much for the compliment and good wishes. I had hoped that my blog would be useful to someone. I'm glad you have found it helpful.

MARRIED!

Thanks for all the good wishes! I did get married and couldn't be happier! My dress did arrive - actually dresses - and I tried on the one that I liked the best as well as all my friends and it fit perfectly. Like it was made for me even, so that's the only one I tried on. (Picture to the left (not me) - it's from JCrew.) Funny what happens when you follow the size chart that they provide and use a measuring tape? : )

A week before the wedding and since then, I have found it pretty easy to stay on my routine of 4 or so workouts and good food choices most of the time. I swear that I have lost weight - clothes are looser - but don't have my scale with me to check. I thought about getting a scale, but figured that I am better off with just one that I go by. I guess I am feeling more 'stable' for lack of a better word and that is helping me stay on track.

I plan to weigh in next week though and see where I am. I'd like the looseness of my clothing to translate into a change on the scale, but as long as I am within my 138-141 range I'm good. (I'd rather have 135 though! Not going to lie!) I am definitely in much better shape, I can jog 5 miles in under an hour without a lot of effort. I need to consider increasing my intensity a bit or at least put in some intervals or something on some of the days. I'll have to think about that more and report in.

I do want to get on my soap box for a minute though as I read a lot of blogs etc. and speak about fills.

First the not going to mince words - No one should be tight enough that they are not able to eat solid food period. That is not the purpose of the band. Everyone should be able to eat *most* foods and should be eating a well-balanced diet.

Being at the right fill level and eating what I am *supposed* to has been key to my success. Did I have some bumps along the way? Sure. But I firmly believe that my long-term success has been that I recognize and live by the band as being a tool. It is still up to me to make good choices.

Think long and hard about whether or not you really need a fill or do you need a head adjustment? Are you eating what you are supposed to? Both in types of food and amount. (Remember - hard foods are what works - eat your protein first, have some veggies, etc.) Are you exercising? It is my opinion that if you are relying on the band to do all the work for you that you will not be as successful than using it as a tool. And don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people that are using the band that way, I just had to get this out cause it has been bugging me (again).

For anyone that is reading this and wondering, "Well smarty pants, how much do you have in your band?" I have about .1-.2 in my band. It's pretty much empty in other words. I am able to eat pretty much anything (some times of the month I can have problems with bread), but I ensure that I stick to the right amount of food (see right side of blog). I think that keeping my "pouch in shape" has also helped me tremendously. If I get hungry, I make sure I am craving 'real' food and not crap. If it is crap, then I am not hungry - it's my head/emotions. If it is 'real' food, then I have a snack.

Am I perfect? FAR from it! I have crap now and then in moderation, but since I am at goal and working out this works. It's a reasonable and healthy way to live without feeling deprived. Honestly, I think a before and after pic would go a long way to proving these points, but I am not comfortable with that. That being said, I am considering setting up a separate blog that I would lock down and provide access to people with their email address. If you are interested, please comment.

Here's some info from a previous post (guess this topic comes up now and then for me!) that I think provides some additional info...

Do you really really need a fill? Or maybe you just need...

• An eating change
• A behavior change
• An activity change

An eating change

• Are you eating what your provider told you what you are supposed to eat? Or are you eating crap? Be honest.
• Are you avoiding liquid calories?
• Are you eating the correct portion size? Seriously, try it. You will likely see that if you measure everything and quit when full or when the food is gone that within about 15-20 mins that you are full. (Brain delay is what I call it.)
• Are you avoiding soft foods?

A behavior change

• Are you eating only 3 times a day? Or if truly hungry and not head hungry making a wise choice in snacks?
• Are you eating breakfast? (Even if a liquid one...My experience anyway was without breakfast of some sort it stalled my weight loss.)
• Are you eating CONSCIOUSLY? Paying attention to indications that you really are full? (Some people experience a runny nose, a burp, etc.)
• Are you grazing between meals?
• Are you drinking liquids while you eat?
• Are you eating when you aren't hungry?

An activity change

• Are you moving? Like real exercise?
• Walk. No excuses not to. Work up the time if you have to, but I'd suggest 30 mins every day or with one day off. If you increase the time, then you can shorten the number of days.
• Get a pedometer. Walk 10,000 steps a day.
• EVERYONE has the time. Be honest about how much you sit around or watch TV. You can watch the TV at the gym while you are walking on the treadmill.

Bottom line - if you are or are not doing the things above as appropriate to what I suggested and are not losing weight, then I think you need a fill. If you aren't doing these things and aren't losing weight, then I don't think you need a fill. That's my two cents and I'm sticking to it!

I'm Getting MARRIED!

Yep, that's right people, I'm officially engaged! And my wedding is the first weekend in July. Um, nope not of next year - that is THIS year! There is no reason to wait. It makes the bi-state working less stressful for me (my boss is great, but working in another state for your husband instead of your boyfriend just has a better ring to it).

I don't want a traditional wedding and *shock* didn't even want an engagement ring. I'd rather use the money toward us buying a house wherever we decide to live. Oh, but don't fret, if I change my mind, I get one. He's feeling bad about not getting me one - says I deserve one, etc. (sweet, huh?). I kinda want one and then I go nope, but I just think it is cause I don't have a ring on my finger. When I have my wedding ring, I think I'll be fine. If not, I'll just get one, but I'd rather be sure. :-)

So what about him? It's a first wedding for both of us, but thankfully he doesn't want all the drama and complexity of a wedding either. If it was important to him, I would definitely do it. Thankfully it isn't.

We are having a ceremony and some hoopla, but it is only us. I think it is going to be great and am excited! I was hoping that I'd be more of a traditional bride with a big huge desire to get on a 'wedding diet', but unfortunately that isn't me! In fact, I am having to battle not eating crap 'cause some of it is stressing me out.

I'm waiting for some dresses to arrive and will post my final decision. No veil or anything and a simple dress that is something that is 'me'. I will be carrying a bouquet as well. I want the damn things to get here. I think the dress is stressing me out the most. I still suffer from some dysmorphia and didn't know what size to order. I forced myself to trust both the sizing chart and the tape measure. We'll see, but I just wish I had a dress selected that looks good and fits well. Worst case, delivery will be Monday. I'll update and I'll either be relieved or freaked out...

Just being...

That pretty much sums it up. I've been busy with life. From my job to a cross-country relocation trip (7 states and 3,000 miles) with my BF as he starts a new job. Movers took care of the 'stuff', but the vehicle had to be driven. Everyone had said that one of the 'best' tests of a relationship is a cross-country trip together in a car. I'd have to agree. There were some bumps along the way, but we managed to make it through them and compromise (both of us!) and look back on it with amazement in the journey and also what we accomplished in a short time once we got here in getting the place ready.

I will still continue to travel between two states as we figure things out. I have been settled in TX for a long time, friends, have a house, etc., but am very fortunate that my job will also be flexible should we decide that relocating is the next step (and has been flexible in letting me work remotely from another state). The delay in the decision to relocate is around his job. He needs to be sure that he likes it, etc. and that we can plan on a 2-3 year time period. It just seems to make the most sense to both of us.

I mind and don't mind the long distance. The 'I mind' part is when I start freaking out about where is this going and what am I doing. Which honestly is pretty stupid when we are both committed to this and are planning to eventually get married. That being said, it is hard to be so independent and then co-dependent (not in the bad sense, but from the perspective of taking into account another person - you married people know what I mean). The toggling is hard and vulnerability in general is hard for me as well because of some experiences in my childhood. Anyway, I've asked for a plan as it will help me feel like things are more stable. So, we are working on that.

I'm sure I'll have more blabbing about this as things go on...On the band front, really no news. I am still below my goal weight - guess I should just start saying that this is my goal weight rang - and stay within 138-141 lbs depending on what has to be water weight as my clothes continue to fit fine. So for now I am focused on maintaining. Maintaining to me is eating well most of the time and exercising most of the time. I check my weight and make sure my clothes are still fitting OK. It seems to work, so I am sticking with it for now. Bottom line - (and not to be a negative Nancy) - band or no band - diligence is important. Diligence and consciousness is important otherwise it's a slippery slope...